I've Fallen In Love With A Married Woman! Please Help!

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hasikelee said:
I was on the receiving end of a single man attracted to me at work. We spent on average 20 hours a week on projects together. I felt no attraction towards him, although it was a friendly relationship.

I am still employed at the same company and I see him Monday thru Friday.

What it takes is you firmly telling her that you can not be her friend. Period. Friend, comrade, confidante, whatever you call it, you cannot be it.

If this is a work-related project and you two are employed by the same company, you better have a copy of your SOP (standard operating procedure) and any other company comment on this situation. My company would have fired me and him if they had found out he was attracted to me. Fortunately, I had the foresight to see this, and I was able to sit down with him and my HR to make a polite cease and desist.

And this was over nothing but a nice, single man’s attraction to me.

You are putting her job and your job at risk. If she is pulling a lot of income for the family, as many families today depend on two incomes, you are basically putting her little kids at risk.

Your posts on this thread remind me very much of that coworker. You are secretly only concerned about yourself and how you feel. For some reason, on top of all this woman is giving to her family and job, you feel the need to get something from her. It’s not sex, but there are plenty of other things besides sex.

Probably, you can’t even see what you are really doing and you sincerely believe this is some true form of friendship. I bet if she had a legal meeting in your HR’s office about never contacting her again, you would lose those feelings very quickly.

If you can’t possibly accept that your feelings and motivations are pure BS, at least pretend you DO love her and butt out before you ruin her marriage, her kids’ lives and her career.
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This illustates the main problem here. Way to much suppsition! No ones job is in jeporady! NOTHING inappropriate has happened except between my ears!

Once again sure seems to be alot of concern for her job and family but I’ve heard little of how to hand this off. You all seemed convinced that everyone who is married with children has some bucolic life. that Christ does appear daily to us and we’re all saved if only meddlers like I stay out! As if I remove myself they will be saved and if I keep temporary contact all our souls are doomed?

If you think a medal and prayer can ruin a marriage…

If she possibly embraces the Catholic Church it follows her marriage will be saved! NO not by me! But God has worked via strangers means than me!

C’mon people think here! Read!

God Bless,

Warren
 
Off to Confession!

My next post will be the final word .

i realize this is difficult to comprehend in a series of postings. Thank you all for helping me to see a little clearer. I agree with so much despite some of my contrary “arguments”.

I’m now sure I can make a thorough Confession.

You’ve ALL been a Blessing to me!

God Bless you ALL>

Warren
 
Whalstib said:
This illustates the main problem here. Way to much suppsition! No ones job is in jeporady! NOTHING inappropriate has happened except between my ears!

Once again sure seems to be alot of concern for her job and family but I’ve heard little of how to hand this off. You all seemed convinced that everyone who is married with children has some bucolic life. that Christ does appear daily to us and we’re all saved if only meddlers like I stay out! As if I remove myself they will be saved and if I keep temporary contact all our souls are doomed?

If you think a medal and prayer can ruin a marriage…

If she possibly embraces the Catholic Church it follows her marriage will be saved! NO not by me! But God has worked via strangers means than me!

C’mon people think here! Read!

God Bless,

Warren
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Your feelings on mutual attraction in the workplace are a prime example of my point…mainly that you are not realistically aware of yourself or actions.

No doubt, your company has a very strict policy. If your email address is provided by the company, or if you or her have even once emailed each other on company property, then you are bound by company policy and they can take action against you or her.

Also, if there was enough evidence to prove that you two had a relationship ongoing outside of the workplace, that could be grounds for termination.

In my case, just the fact that the coworker expressed attraction towards me was grounds for immediate termination for both of us.

Now, some exceptions and nuances may apply, such as two associates on the same level, or two associates from different departments. Nevertheless, companies without a strong stance towards workplace romance are few and far between.

So, OP, have you pulled the SOP from your company and read it?
 
Whalstib said:
Off to Confession!

My next post will be the final word .

i realize this is difficult to comprehend in a series of postings. Thank you all for helping me to see a little clearer. I agree with so much despite some of my contrary “arguments”.

I’m now sure I can make a thorough Confession.

You’ve ALL been a Blessing to me!

God Bless you ALL>

Warren
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It would seem that, at this point, I can only offer my prayers that you do not damage this family.
 
Warren–if you had not posted ‘i have fallen in love with a married woman’ our replies might have been A LOT different.:o I will pray for you–you seem like a good hearted person, who got wrapped up in his feelings–it happens, and you are seeking God’s forgiveness. The key is knowing these feelings, and not acting on them. In your act of contrition today, you said…‘I promise to avoid near occasions of sin…’ This would be one. Sin is often deceptive. You are ‘helping’ someone, yet in it, you have developed feelings. No matter how positive the outcome–we can’t take an immoral sideroad to get there. Like stem cell research–it helps save lives right? But at the cost of innocent embryos…so the ends do not justify the means.

Same holds true here–if you start having feelings for this woman, it doesn’t matter if you’re trying to convert her–the situation serves as a near occasion to sin–for you, at this time. Maybe you can overcome these feelings, and it won’t be…but either way–if something leads us into sinful thoughts, etc…we should try to avoid those situations.

Hope I’ve helped in a small way.
 
Whalstib said:
Despite any claims to the contrary I KNOW lust and my heart is free from it. I’ve not been sitting here plotting. I’ve been praying. I cried in front of the Blessed Sacrament for even having entertained such ideas for a moment. I prayed for her and her husband and for their marriage. I spent 3 hours in church!

I’m not trying to justify anything…Do you think everyone ends up Catholic? Does everyone go to Heaven?
The arguments against Cathoicism are headlines daily! The popular media is flooded with them. My friend never heard of Chastity, as we were speaking of it a young man approached and said he’s doing the same thing! Coincidence?

I came to the back to the Church via the same impossible circumstances. At anyone point I’d still be lost if others played by the rules…

The idea that we aren’t responsible for others goes against the very teachings of the Church. Yes lust is a sin! One of the most basic and face it Satan’s favorite! Satan hates Mary and would use any crack in anyones armor to keep another soul from approaching Her.

I was brought to Mary via more improbable circumstances!

The fact I recognize this is telling me to pray harder get help but not to run away which is nigh impossible due to our project situation which has 3 weeks left. I can’t change that…

I will concede to Fr. Abbots wishes on this but tell him I feel compelled to at least give her the medal and prayers…

Isn’t this interesting? I know I started out with an entirely different tone. It may seem as though I’m trying to justify my actions but I sincerely believe I have been clouded by something else to prevent the simple gift of a prayer and a medal. Yes it’s kinda like an alcoholic walking into a bar to deliver the mail. Gods grace makes that possible though.

Still open for discussion.

God Bless!

Warren
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Man, if you feel deeply attracted to the married woman, that’s a warning shot for you to sever contact (seeing personally, mailing, phone calls) with her. If not, sooner or later, you will lust for her.

If you are convinced that you are God’s instrument of salvation for someone else like her, ask the Lord to send someone else to minister to her as you recognize your frailty. It is folly to save someone while you damn yourself in hell. To choose “flight” in that situation is not abandonment of your duty as a “brother’s keeper” (in this case, a sister’s keeper). Take for example, monasticism–shunning oneself from the things of the world and mundane relationships to be able to devote oneself in prayer and the things of God offering oblation for the salvation of others. It is easier to live a life of consecration in the monastery than while staying in the world. Remember, despite the sacraments, we are still struggling against concupiscence. It is said…HE WHO LOVES DANGER SHALL FALL TO IT. No matter how wet the firewood is, if it is thrown into the fire will be burned eventually.
 
Feanaro_s_Wife said:
**
OK, why not take a different perspective here. So far everything has been about YOU. How you feel. What you can do to help. Etc etc etc.

What if she has lust in *her ***heart? What if she thinks you are her salvation from her unhappy marriage? What if, by sticking around, you are causing her to focus on what she could have with you instead of fixing what she does have with her husband?
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So, instead of contemplating how to save her own marriage, she may be fantasizing her “savior” which worsens more the crisis.

Warren is unconsciously giving her false hope.
 
Hard as it may be, severing ties altogether is really the only thing you can do. It doesn’t mean that you stop loving her, but that you remove yourself from a bad bad bad situation. If you love her and want what is best for her, then you can’t allow this to continue…even long distance. It can only hurt you both, and has the potential to put you BOTH in a state of mortal sin.

I will be praying for you.

:signofcross:
 
There’s nothing wrong with falling in love. We do it all the time. What becomes sinful is what we do about it. You already know what not to do and you seem to be controlling that. It is good that you will be moving away soon. She will stay behind and you will have pleasant memories of how you felt about her.
Relax. It’s all good.

Matthew
 
**Warren,

You can’t control your feelings. But you can control what you do about them. Perhaps it’s best to avoid contact with her. After all, what’s the point? There are better suited women out there for you. Controlling what you do regarding this matter will help you to get over it and find someone else.

I hope my answer is better than, “just say no”.

Irish Blessings,
Nicoletta**
 
I know what you mean. I’m married and am going through a difficult time in my marriage. I just recently got in touch, by email and phone, to my first boyfriend. I was only 15 when I was with him, this was before i was Catholic. Anyways, 20 years have gone by and I still love him. I know it sounds crazy, but he really stuck with me.I am deeply in love with him and he feels the same way. He is not married and he knows I am. We haven’t seen each other in over 12 years. He recently sent me a picture of him, and it was hard to look at it because it brought back it all back again. He knows I’m unhappily married, and wants to spend time with me, if I leave my husband. But, I told him that I can’t divorce my husband and remarry. I know if I meet him now, I will want to stay with him. We are emailing each other a lot and discussing our feelings. I know I have to let go of him, but I don’t want to right now. I want to keep it going for a while longer. I just can’t let go.
Help!!!
 
Nicole, for the sake of your marriage and your family, you have to end all contact with this man. You are playing with fire, and could wind up hurting quite a few people that you love.

I don’t know the reasons that you are unhappy in your marriage, but can they be fixed? Do you have children?

Right now, you are falling for a fantasy. You have grown and changed since you were 15, and he has, too. He is not the boy that you remember.
 
You have to cut off all ties, don’t email dialogue anymore. There may be circumstances where you both by chance meet, that will be public. Don’t talk to her alone, make sure you have your wife, or one of your friends with you or make sure she is with her husband when talking.

What this will do is cut your feelings off for her at that moment temporarily when you see her husband. So when your feelings are cut off, you will think more clearly.

Then what you do at home is to stop emailing her.

😃
 
Thank you ks60, you are so right. Sometimes I feel I should meet him just to have some closure. But, what if I met him and realized my feelings are real, I know it could go either way.
I have a 2 year old daughter. As far as fixing the problems with my husband, it’s up to him whether he wants to fix them. I’ve tried talking to him and we had a big arguement. He hasn’t spoken to me in 4 days now.
 
9nicole said:
Thank you ks60, you are so right. Sometimes I feel I should meet him just to have some closure. But, what if I met him and realized my feelings are real, I know it could go either way.
I have a 2 year old daughter. As far as fixing the problems with my husband, it’s up to him whether he wants to fix them. I’ve tried talking to him and we had a big arguement. He hasn’t spoken to me in 4 days now.
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9nicole,

I went to a retreat this weekend where a girl shared the story about how her father’s infidelity affected her. She was devestated by it, and I realized that affairs break apart families and hurt more than just the couple involved.

Please, stop all contact with this man. The fact that he would write some of the things he has written and send a photo of himself to a married woman is a huge red flag. He does not respect the vows you made nor your marriage, and continuing to speak to him will only dig you a deeper hole.

God bless you.
 
Thank you all for your advice. I always knew what I should do, but hearing it from strangers really influenced me to do the right thing.
I just emailed him and explained it to him. I told him never to contact me again. I really think he’ll respect that. If not, then I will change my cell number and email address.
I feel so ashamed, I will learn from this.I am so scared to confess this, because I am so embarrassed and sorry for what I’ve done to God.
Thanks again!
 
Go ahead and confess it so that you can forgive yourself. You did the right thing by telling ExBF not to contact you.

I wish I could be more help with your husband. He shouldn’t give you thr silent treatment. I’ll pray that you two can come to an understanding and work things out.
 
I have to disagree with a few things said on here. I actually fell in love and when I say FELL IN LOVE, I mean fell in love, not this attraction thing that someone spoke of. I work with a woman who was due to get married in August of this year, but I met her last year…through work.

I’ve been meeting up with her for sometime, and we’ve gotten so close. She is much older than me, but everytime we’re together we are all over one another, kissing and all the rest, but no sexual contact!

We’ve spoken about things and I’ve asked if she sees me as a lust thing, and she said she did, but not anymore. We’ve became so attached and we’re falling in love with one another. I do believe that she will get married later in the year, but we know that we love one another. It’s more than an attraction thing and I don’t regret any of it. We have to be different at work when we’re together so that no one else clicks on, but we e-mail all day long and I really don’t regret any of what we’re doing.

If he can’t keep her happy, and I know I can, I will do.
 
If she loves you as much as you say, why hasn’t she cancelled the wedding? Are you willing to settle for another man’s wife? I’m afraid that you are heading for heartbreak.

Please be careful with the all-day emailing. IT and human resources probably frown on it, as it interferes with productivity.
 
I have set myself up for it to be heartbreak…the wedding is too far on, and so much money has been spent by both families, so what can she do? There isn’t anything that can be done now…its too far gone. If our relationship had maybe been serious earlier than now the wedding could have been called off, but its too late for that.

We’ve spent alot of time together lately, and even this past Friday spoke for hours on end about what we should do, there is nothing I can say or do that would change the situation now as the wedding is too close…although who is to say that in the future things could change? I always have a positive outlook on life and who knows what could happen? We could be together by next year…

Someone said there is a difference between attraction and love, yes very true but in some cases a married woman can fall in love again and in this case I trust this woman when she says she does! She trusts when I tell her also. This has been going on for a year. We speak on MSN and e-mail all day…but if IT were to click on then would they not have thought of it before now?

The woman I’ve been seeing…she works in HR, so I have no fears there.

I would like peoples advice on it though, I’m not going to shy out of hearing what people have to say about it.
 
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