I've Fallen In Love With A Married Woman! Please Help!

[ks60]

A cancelled wedding is far better than a divorce or adultery.

How old are both of you?

If she really loves you, she wouldn’t want to put you in the place of adulterer; you are choosing to commit this sin as I read your post. You are actually counting on her marriage to fail in order to get what you want. Shouldn’t your standards be higher than that?

Her being in HR isn’t a guarantee that neither of you can get in trouble; it could actually magnify trouble for her. She is out of line professionally.

Married women shouldn’t be falling in love with anyone except their husbands, and vice versa?

Why wouldn’t you want, and expect, to have a realtionship with a girl who is available to you, and who can give you the attention you need? This adventure that you are on will get old when you want to see this woman, but she has to sneak around or contact you via email.

 

[Roberto86]

I see your point entirely, but I don’t see as I’m doing anything wrong what so ever. It’s a very selfish point of view and I understand that.

22 and 29 are the ages of both of us.

I guess you’re right, my standards should be higher but love does strange things to the head and mind. I am relying on it failing and if I could afford to pay off the wedding myself trust me I would because I actually contemplated it, but I got my sister out of trouble not to long ago and basically spent every last penny I had to get her free of her problems, and I’m left with nothing for myself…money that has been saved for 10 years, all gone! Money isn’t everything though and I know that. I do want her to call off the wedding, and so does she…but how does she do it? Letting down 2 families aswell as many other people. If the wedding wasn’t so soon (or we’d met earlier) then things might have been much different…but they aren’t.

I see what you’re saying, I worked in IT in the company I work at, and I have no fears of getting caught as I know the kind of people that work in IT…they’re useless and wouldn’t care if e-mails are flying about, they wouldn’t think anything of e-mails flying back between people that work for the company…however if it was adult content and images that shouldn’t be sent around work THEN they will catch on. My point is: if we were to get caught, it would have been a lot longer than now, this has been going on for a long time and if we were to get caught it would have been sussed out a lot longer than before now. Once again however, I really appreciate your comments, it means a lot!!!

As for married women shouldn’t be falling in love with anyone except their husbands…I know, but in many cases it does happen that they fall for other people, and in this case its a very special connection we have. We trust each other with everything, she knows everything about my life, and vice versa…the connection has built up and its very very strong now. There is no turning back really…its too hard, especially since we work together.

Some people see thrills in sneaking around, I’m not one of those people so I see what you’re saying. However, if he isn’t keeping her happy, then why can’t I keep her happy for the time being…and possibly in the future. As for seeing a girl who is available to me, been there done that…I was with someone for 5 years, but split up a while back because we fell out of love, but now this girl has came along, I’m falling back in love, and it seems stronger than the love for my previous girl.

Thank you very much for your comments.
Appreciate it.

 

[iamrefreshed]

Sorry to say this Roberto but the woman you’ve ‘fallen in love with’ is a cheater!

She’s cheating on her future husband. What makes you so sure the next one cheated on won’t be you?

Bail now. Find yourself a nice unattached girl and stop with the fantasy’s.

 

[brandymmiller]

Thanks again,

here’s something that has slipped past. We’re involved in a “project” and see each other 3 times a week. The project involved some emailing. So the idea of just unplugging and running is not viable.

In fact the entire idea of running away doesn’t sit well with me and I don’t know why. I’d rather confront the issue and with circumstances as they are may be my only choice…

Should I actually explain it all to her? I could just more or less clam up and hold my breathe for 3 weeks…

I’m going to Mass and Confession right now!

God bless all and thank you for the prayers and help.

W

You are weak against this woman, and though she doesn’t intend to be an occassion of sin for you that’s what she is. We are told to avoid occassions of sin, not boil ourselves in them. Resign the project and save your soul! The project can’t be more important than your eternal life!

 

[brandymmiller]

I see your point entirely, but I don’t see as I’m doing anything wrong what so ever. It’s a very selfish point of view and I understand that.

22 and 29 are the ages of both of us.

I guess you’re right, my standards should be higher but love does strange things to the head and mind. I am relying on it failing and if I could afford to pay off the wedding myself trust me I would because I actually contemplated it, but I got my sister out of trouble not to long ago and basically spent every last penny I had to get her free of her problems, and I’m left with nothing for myself…money that has been saved for 10 years, all gone! Money isn’t everything though and I know that. I do want her to call off the wedding, and so does she…but how does she do it? Letting down 2 families aswell as many other people. If the wedding wasn’t so soon (or we’d met earlier) then things might have been much different…but they aren’t.

I see what you’re saying, I worked in IT in the company I work at, and I have no fears of getting caught as I know the kind of people that work in IT…they’re useless and wouldn’t care if e-mails are flying about, they wouldn’t think anything of e-mails flying back between people that work for the company…however if it was adult content and images that shouldn’t be sent around work THEN they will catch on. My point is: if we were to get caught, it would have been a lot longer than now, this has been going on for a long time and if we were to get caught it would have been sussed out a lot longer than before now. Once again however, I really appreciate your comments, it means a lot!!!

As for married women shouldn’t be falling in love with anyone except their husbands…I know, but in many cases it does happen that they fall for other people, and in this case its a very special connection we have. We trust each other with everything, she knows everything about my life, and vice versa…the connection has built up and its very very strong now. There is no turning back really…its too hard, especially since we work together.

Some people see thrills in sneaking around, I’m not one of those people so I see what you’re saying. However, if he isn’t keeping her happy, then why can’t I keep her happy for the time being…and possibly in the future. As for seeing a girl who is available to me, been there done that…I was with someone for 5 years, but split up a while back because we fell out of love, but now this girl has came along, I’m falling back in love, and it seems stronger than the love for my previous girl.

Thank you very much for your comments.
Appreciate it.

You are definitely confused. You were with a girl for five years but split up with her because you fell “out of love”. I’m going to tell you today what I have told my son every day of his life since I first explained how things are between men and women. If you love someone enough to want to share with them the gift of sexuality, then you must love them enough to promise them your love unconditionally within the bounds of marriage so that they will know that if there are children which come from this union you will be there to support those children. If you do not love them enough to make a life long commitment to them, you do not need to be doing the things which incur lifetime commitments such as children. You clearly have real love confused for infatuation. Real love is the promise of no matter what you do I’ll continue to love you. I may not support what you are doing, or like it, but I will see past your action to the person and love you. Real love doesn’t fade because you continually chose not to let it fade, you find something to love about the other person even when it’s hard.

You need to break off this relationship. She’s married, she has obligations to her children and to the man she married. If you can, change jobs to get away from her and the temptation she represents. Then go to confession and get counseling, because I see in you someone who has serious commitment issues which speaks of terribly low self-esteem.

 

[Roberto86]

You are definitely confused. You were with a girl for five years but split up with her because you fell “out of love”. I’m going to tell you today what I have told my son every day of his life since I first explained how things are between men and women. If you love someone enough to want to share with them the gift of sexuality, then you must love them enough to promise them your love unconditionally within the bounds of marriage so that they will know that if there are children which come from this union you will be there to support those children. If you do not love them enough to make a life long commitment to them, you do not need to be doing the things which incur lifetime commitments such as children. You clearly have real love confused for infatuation. Real love is the promise of no matter what you do I’ll continue to love you. I may not support what you are doing, or like it, but I will see past your action to the person and love you. Real love doesn’t fade because you continually chose not to let it fade, you find something to love about the other person even when it’s hard.

You need to break off this relationship. She’s married, she has obligations to her children and to the man she married. If you can, change jobs to get away from her and the temptation she represents. Then go to confession and get counseling, because I see in you someone who has serious commitment issues which speaks of terribly low self-esteem.

There is no children involved in my case, although the person who started the thread there is children involved although none involved in my case. I know that doesn’t make it any better what so ever, but no-one can help who they fall in love with…its impossible.

If it could be helped, trust me I would not be falling for this woman and that is a dead cert.

 

[graceandglory]

Hi,

It’s with great sorrow and shame in my heart i come to you like this on my initial post.

First of all, you are NOT in love with a married woman.

You have chosen to be attracted to her and have made a conscious decision to think of her and have made a committment of your will to think of her.

Spending time thinking about how you shouldn’t be feeling this way, is in fact more time thinking about her, and you have a choice whether to think of her or not.

Read Karol Wojtyla’s Love and Responsibility. He is Pope John Paul before he became Pope. He will tell you that in love, you make a choice, a commitment to think of a person. He addresses “unrequited love.” So, instead of filling your mind with a married woman, fill your mind with something else. Learn what LOVE REALLY IS. I have suggested one book. Read about the Theology of the Body, and learn what Catholic marriage really is all about.

Once you have tasted and seen the goodness of God’s will for our lives in relation to love and marriage, you will not ever want to go back to the garbage dumpster and sniff around for a meal there.

Right now, you need a change of mind. Your mind is filled with thoughts of this woman, and you continue to keep those thoughts in your mind. Minus a mental illness (obsessive-compulsive disorder), you can change what you think about.

 

[graceandglory]

Despite any claims to the contrary I KNOW lust and my heart is free from it. I’ve not been sitting here plotting. I’ve been praying.

You know what, W, something’s messed up, or you wouldn’t be “have fallen in love with a married woman.” “Flee youthful lusts.”

---

“The heart is perverse above all things, and unsearchable, who can know it?”***Jeremiah 17:9

I’ve heard that the only unforgivable sin is the one that we refuse to acknowledge.

I say stop praying for her, she was fine before you knew her. Pray for your own soul that you would be able to acknowledge the secret motives in your heart. “Praying for her” is your way to keep thoughts of her at the forefront of her mind. Find a good spiritual book, fill your mind with SOMETHING ELSE. Flee youthful lusts, man.

 

[ElizabethAnne]

Thank you all for your advice. I always knew what I should do, but hearing it from strangers really influenced me to do the right thing.
I just emailed him and explained it to him. I told him never to contact me again. I really think he’ll respect that. If not, then I will change my cell number and email address.
I feel so ashamed, I will learn from this.I am so scared to confess this, because I am so embarrassed and sorry for what I’ve done to God.

Thanks again!

Evil has this funny little way of looking good to us sometimes! I am so very glad that you talked with someone about it; we are a community of believers in order to support one another. What’s more, I am sure God is pleased that you sought others’ advice and did the right thing in the end. And He’s ready to forgive you in confession!

 

[ElizabethAnne]

We could be together by next year…

Roberto, if this woman is getting married in August, I find it impossible that she will be able to get married, figure out that it is not going to work out, separate and file for divorce, get a divorce and get an annulment (without which you cannot date her) in one year!

As for married women shouldn’t be falling in love with anyone except their husbands…I know, but in many cases it does happen that they fall for other people, and in this case its a very special connection we have. We trust each other with everything, she knows everything about my life, and vice versa…the connection has built up and its very very strong now. There is no turning back really…its too hard, especially since we work together.

The two of you do not have a “very special” connection anymore than any other couple that is cheating. You need a job change, fast, and to cut all communication with this woman. Your attraction to her will fade with time if you don’t feed it.

There is no children involved in my case, although the person who started the thread there is children involved although none involved in my case. I know that doesn’t make it any better what so ever, but no-one can help who they fall in love with…its impossible.

If it could be helped, trust me I would not be falling for this woman and that is a dead cert.

You can help who you share intimate details about your life with. You can choose who not to e-mail during the day. You have chosen to grow close to this woman even though she is unavailable.

What if there are children involved in the future? She’s getting married and could conceive at any point. Do you want her to break up her family for you?

 

[9nicole]

I’ll tell you from experience… If she is not 100% sure about marrying this man, which she is not because she is having a relationship with you, she needs to call it off. Who cares how much money is into this wedding or if it’s even days away. Marriage is very serious and it shouldn’t be taken lightly. I regret marrying the one I’m with now, because I wish I would have married my one true love, my exboyfiriend. But, I’m married and determined to make it work. Being engaged is a committment, and she is cheating on her husband to be and not even married yet!! I feel so sorry for her fiance. Call it off with her or she needs to call the wedding off! Please listen to me I know it would be hard for you, as I’m going through torture, too. But I came back to reality and did what’s right. We can go to hell for the rest of our lives for adultery!!! If you think it will end between you two when she gets married, your wrong. Do the right thing.

 

[9nicole]

I have to say one more thing, If you have never been married before, and she is obviously not married yet, and you two truly are in love with each other, then get married. Life is too short, you still have a chance to be with the one you love, I don’t. I envy you in a way. But, the one concern I would have, is she going to do this with someone else when you are together, and what about you. Are you a practising Catholic? God will give you the graces to make a marriage work if you love and serve God faithfully. And most importantly pray the rosary together everyday. I lacked this, and look what happened to me.

 

[homewardangel]

I did try to avoid posting on this thread - because I realize what I am up against. Obviously very few people understand the emptiness of some lives. Its an emptiness that we don’t ask for, an emptiness that we try to fill but can not, an emptiness that we ask and beg God to help us with - but for some unknown reason we can’t rise above it.

If it were as simple as asking for God’s help, wouldn’t we all do that? If it were as simple as giving it time to work its way out, wouldn’t we all do that?

I am in a similar situation as the OP - whenever I honestly reach out I am met with harsh responses. I am treated as if I am not trying, that there are other people lining up to be in my life that I am pushing away, that I must not go to confession and mass, ect… So I shut down and I don’t talk to anyone. I suffer in silence, but that doesn’t make the problem go away. I have gone to counseling, and my counselor told me to stay in touch with this person. When you meet a special person, they are a special person…its just that simple. I am very sad and very alone - I don’t ask for that. That is what I have. I pray and I beg God - I don’t understand why He doesn’t bring me someone else. I go to confession - probably not enough, but I am willing to bet as much as most others. I feel abandoned by God…its like the only person that I have to talk to is this married person who 99 out of 100 people tell me not to talk to. Maybe I’m too sensitive - I don’t know. I do know that its been years and I am very, very, very tired of it…but we don’t need to condem eachother over things

Prayers don’t solve all problems and trying to live your life right doesn’t make things right - I have a handicap neice to prove that. Just because you know what’s the right thing to do that doesn’t mean you can do that. That doesn’t mean that you are shaking hands with the devil because you are human.

If anyone has answer to my problems - please let me know:thumbsup:

Terry

 

[9nicole]

Maybe you’ll find someone to sugar coat it for you.
Sorry for the lack of faith, as soon as God doesn’t help right away, we push Him aside. You’re not removing yourself from a bad situaation. If you did God would help. We can’t sit back and let god do it all, we have to try first.

 

[homewardangel]

Maybe you’ll find someone to sugar coat it for you.
Sorry for the lack of faith, as soon as God doesn’t help right away, we push Him aside. You’re not removing yourself from a bad situaation. If you did God would help. We can’t sit back and let god do it all, we have to try first.

See that is exactly what I am talking about. Exactly what type of time frame do you call “right away” - as in when God doesn’t help right away we push him aside? (besides did I saythat I pushed him aside?)

How does one try? PLEASE tell me what I am doing wrong? Maybe you can give me examples - didn’t I ask for that? I have example after example of my trying - “Tough love” seems to make people feel superior…why don’t people just be hones and come out and say that in these situations we are all stupid, lazy, sleazy, horny, or whatever else you are truly thinking.

 

[Roberto86]

I won’t stop pursuing this woman. If we’re meant to be together, which I believe we are…then we simply will be together I think.

Maybe its a selfish attitude to have, but I really want to be with her, and even though she’s not with me every night…I believe she wants to be with me. I’m going on what she tells me, and how she is with me…feelings towards someone cannot be changed, you can’t change feelings no matter how much we try!

I really want to be with her!

 

[9nicole]

This is a Catholic website and you should be ashamed talking like that. Saying hor…I can’t evn repeat it.
If you want to be with her and she wants to be with you, then stop the wedding and get married. If money is stopping you…is that more important then loving someone. You can always make money, you can’t always find true love.

 

[Mirror_Mirror]

I won’t stop pursuing this woman. If we’re meant to be together, which I believe we are…then we simply will be together I think.

**Maybe its a selfish attitude **to have, but I really want to be with her, and even though she’s not with me every night…I believe she wants to be with me. I’m going on what she tells me, and how she is with me…feelings towards someone cannot be changed, you can’t change feelings no matter how much we try!

I really want to be with her!

After the brief little bit that I have read here, I would have to concur with your statement bolded above. This is a selfish attitude and this is potentially playing with fire. This is a woman that is engaged (which under “normal circumstances” should mean off limits) to another man, yet she is spending time (intimate, not sexual) time with you. This raises so many red flags for all parties involved.

First and foremost, do you not see this as a problem? Or has “love” made you blind to it? This is a woman that is engaged and spending time with another man. Keep that in mind if the two of you become engaged and you are sitting at home waiting for her to get home from work, wondering where she is at…where is the trust? I believe that another poster mentioned, once a cheater, always a cheater.

Secondly, where is the concern for her future husband? Or is he insignificant? Does he not factor into this equation? What is that was you, because it could be, what if the shoe was on the other foot?

Third, the foundation of any relationship must be solid, rock solid, building a relationship on a lie is a set up for failure. And you are lying, you are lying to each other and so many others around you.

Fourth, she is going forward with wedding plans. I know that money is not the factor here, but to let her continue to spend her money, his money, parent’s money is (again) lying. Borderline stealing. I have a strong feeling if her future husband finds out about this, you may be the one left holding the bills and trying to “pay for” (in many ways) a wedding that you helped to ruin.

I am not trying to be rude or mean here, but c’mon, are the “love glasses” that you have placed over your eyes completely blinding you to the reality of this situation? Do you really think that there is some way that this can end on a good note? What the two of you together with a relationship that has issues with trust?

“Love” can make you blind, and it is time for you to take a look at your life 5 years from now. See where you will be. See where you want to be. Is this it? Will this make you happy? Put yourself into her future husband’s shoes, not knowing. Giving 100% and not getting that returned to you. Think, just think!

 

[Roberto86]

Love can make people do stupid things I guess…

Thats probably the best explanation I can come up with…

 

[homewardangel]

This is a Catholic website and you should be ashamed talking like that. Saying hor…I can’t evn repeat it.

Give me a break…is saying lust really any better?