I've Fallen In Love With A Married Woman! Please Help!

[Mirror_Mirror]

Thank you ks60, you are so right. Sometimes I feel I should meet him just to have some closure. But, what if I met him and realized my feelings are real, I know it could go either way.
I have a 2 year old daughter. As far as fixing the problems with my husband, it’s up to him whether he wants to fix them. I’ve tried talking to him and we had a big arguement. He hasn’t spoken to me in 4 days now.

Just a quick word of encouragement to you. Marriage takes 3, you, your spouse and most importantly God. So to say that it is his problem is not right. It is “YOUR” problem as a married couple. I pray that the two of you can reconcile whatever problem it is that you have right now. Why? Because you have a 2 year old daughter that needs her mother and father more than you can ever, ever realize. It is time to set aside foolish, selfish pride for the sake of that precious little girl. The one that is so innocent in this situation. I understand that you “think” that you made a mistake with your marriage and that your ex “looks” more appealing, but things are not always what they seem, ask Eve.

I think that you have done the right thing by cutting ties with him and moving forward…like Little Texas said…“I try not think about what might have been, cause that was then, and we have taken different roads”

Matthew Kelly does an amazing job of describing secondary relationships vs. primary relationships. Secondary relationships serve us in our lives to “fill a time and a space.” They are there for that given moment, however long that may be. Maybe a year, maybe a month. But once those relationships are over, we need to do our best to see them as such and not hang onto them. The weight of those will drag us down and hold us back from giving our time, attention, emotion and dedication to our primary relationships.

Focus on your marriage. Make things better, for the sake of your daughter.

 

[9nicole]

Thank you mirror mirror, finally someone who puts God first in their lives. I will work on it, but, it is so hard. Please pray that I will find the strength to do this. You know what will make this easier for me. When I told him it’s over, he said that he loves me enough to let me go. And if it means being happy with someone else, then that is what he wants, but this is devastating.for him he told me and that he wants me to be happy…now, he’s not Catholic, and what a gentlemen he is!

 

[9nicole]

-I think that you have done the right thing by cutting ties with him and moving forward…like Little Texas said…“I try not think about what might have been, cause that was then, and we have taken different roads”

Focus on your marriage. Make things better, for the sake of your daughter.

/-]

One more thing, what you have said here, is hitting me hard. I am trying to type this as I am crying, because my EX-BF and I have taken different roads. How I wish it could have been different. Look at the pain this has caused me. To all of you who are dealing with something like this, get out of it now. Because if you don’t, one day reality will settle in and it will be so much harder.I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. To go on seems impossible, but I have my daughter to get me through this.

 

[iamrefreshed]

See that is exactly what I am talking about. Exactly what type of time frame do you call “right away” - as in when God doesn’t help right away we push him aside? (besides did I saythat I pushed him aside?)

How does one try? PLEASE tell me what I am doing wrong? Maybe you can give me examples - didn’t I ask for that? I have example after example of my trying - “Tough love” seems to make people feel superior…why don’t people just be hones and come out and say that in these situations we are all stupid, lazy, sleazy, horny, or whatever else you are truly thinking.

I hope I can help here.

If I were injured would you poke a stick in my wound?
If I were thirsty would you drink in front of me and laugh?
If I had a child and you didn’t, would you kidnap mine?

If not, then why would you steal my spouse?

 

[iamrefreshed]

I won’t stop pursuing this woman. If we’re meant to be together, which I believe we are…then we simply will be together I think.

Maybe its a selfish attitude to have, but I really want to be with her, and even though she’s not with me every night…I believe she wants to be with me. I’m going on what she tells me, and how she is with me…feelings towards someone cannot be changed, you can’t change feelings no matter how much we try!

I really want to be with her!

First off, love is a choice.

Secondly, why are you posting? You’ve made up your mind. You don’t care one iota for this man’s feelings. If you were half a man you would walk away.

But you’re all…I want, I want, I want!!!

What about what God wants?

The point here is you CAN have this woman. If she doesn’t get married.

 

[kevinsgirl]

Love can make people do stupid things I guess…

Thats probably the best explanation I can come up with…

Infatuation makes people do stupid, selfish, hurtful things. Not love.

So, Romeo and Juliet, let’s get the facts straight.

Romeo loves Juliet.

Juliet loves Romeo.

Juliet is getting married but doesn’t love the guy. The families are not going to kill her if she doesn’t marry the guy. The family doesn’t have a longstanding feud with Romeo. The only reason…and I repeat…the ONLY reason Juliet is going through with the marriage is because she has spent money on it…and maybe there’s a part of her that feels guilty about jilting her fiancé.

So Romeo’s solution? Be secret lovers, the marriage will fall apart and they will be together again.

Give me a break.

Then you’ll have to pay for a divorce…not to mention the families are gonna be way more ticked with adultery right after marriage as opposed to breaking an engagement.

Oh, and did I mention how God’s gonna feel about this? Promising Him to stay faithful to your spouse but having your lover in the pews a few rows back just waiting for the days he has to work late? Do you think God is dumb?

And you think the fiance’s heart is gonna break if she breaks up with him? Believe me, he’d rather that than a wife who cheats on him and betrays the greatest promise and woman can give a man.

Grow up.

Love doesn’t play games because of money (and that argument doesn’t even make sense anyway). Love is honest and above board; it is unashamed because love is noble and selfgiving.

Neither of you are married and there is no reason why you can’t get married. If you both feel that you would like to get married someday, then be fair to each other and her fiancé. Call off the wedding. Date for a while. Marry someday, even. But don’t go breaking everyone’s trust, breaking God’s laws, and eventually dooming your relationship. If you don’t do things right, given enough time, you’ll have periods where the spark leaves your relationship. That’s when the good character you have shown earlier in your life in this decision will help your relationship stay strong.

 

[Mirror_Mirror]

Thank you mirror mirror, finally someone who puts God first in their lives. I will work on it, but, it is so hard. Please pray that I will find the strength to do this. You know what will make this easier for me. When I told him it’s over, he said that he loves me enough to let me go. And if it means being happy with someone else, then that is what he wants, but this is devastating.for him he told me and that he wants me to be happy…now, he’s not Catholic, and what a gentlemen he is!

Your welcome.

Jesus never said it would be easy, only that it would be worth it. I have learned that the saying “you made your bed you lie in it” rings true more and more these days. While that can be harsh advice and is it not always applicable, many times it is. Again, I do not nkow your situation and what is going on and am not asking you to reveal anything that you do not wish to, however, from what you have said so far it does not seem like this is lost forever.

Now, even though he is not Catholic, do you both pray together? Would it help to talk to a priest? What about Retrouvaille? This has proven to save a lot of marriages, just ask anyone on CAF that has been there.

You and your husband did get married for a reason. God brought you together for a reason. You are called to get each other to heaven. To love one another as Christ loves the Church. In good times and in bad? Right? Sickness and health?

It is time to focus on what is important. Is the way a towel is folded or who’s turn it is to do the dishes what is important? Is the fact that one of you wrecked the car important? Is the credit card what is important? I think you understand what I am trying to say. What is most important is your family which includes that innocent girl. Truly you husband cannot think that another man could be a better father than him? Today is the day. We are not guaranteed tomorrow. Take the initiative today and make that step. Make ammends and make today the first day of a new future.

 

[9nicole]

My husband is Catholic, it’s my EXBF who is not.My EXBF is the one who said that he loves me enough to let me go and be happy.

 

[Mirror_Mirror]

My husband is Catholic, it’s my EXBF who is not.My EXBF is the one who said that he loves me enough to let me go and be happy.

My mistake, sorry. Again, time to leave the past where it belongs.

 

[ks60]

I won’t stop pursuing this woman. If we’re meant to be together, which I believe we are…then we simply will be together I think.

Maybe its a selfish attitude to have, but I really want to be with her, and even though she’s not with me every night…I believe she wants to be with me. I’m going on what she tells me, and how she is with me…feelings towards someone cannot be changed, you can’t change feelings no matter how much we try!

I really want to be with her!

If you are meant to be together, you don’t have to pursue her.

This is going to sound condescending, but you are only 22, and don’t have enough life experience to make this decision. This is a life experience that neither of you want, believe me.

Aren’t you worth a cancelled wedding to this girl? You are fooling yourself by believing that this is a solid relationship. I just can’t believe that you are willing to settle for this mess!

Now, I’m going to be judgemental…I think that this girl is using you to get through an engagement that she isn’t sure about. I think that you, this young, attentive man, makes her feel younger and more attractive. I think that your relationship with her will fizzle faster than you can imagine. If you were as important to her as you think, her engagement would be broken.

That last paragraph sounds really mean, but I wanted to be blunt. There is no sugar-coating this nonsense.

I guess you can tell by the tone of this that I am old enough to be your mother.

 

[MCGar]

I’m a 28 year old planning a wedding right now. I know about the costs, stress, family ties, and that whole she-bang associated with it.
That being said…there is no way on this green earth I would go ahead with the wedding if I was ‘IN LOVE’ with someone else. I mean REAL EARTHSHATTERING LIFE CHANGING LOVE!

If she LOVES you that way, then she wouldn’t be able to stomache marrying and then consumating anything with another man.

The thing is, she just doesn’t LOVE you. LOVE self-sacrifices, LOVE is so powerful that it respects and gives dignity to those involved!

She doesn’t LOVE you like this and to be perfectly honest it doesn’t even look like you LOVE yourself enough to think to deserve someone’s complete and utter unquestionable loyalty and respect.

Do you really believe that her fiance, whose about to get married, isn’t on cloud nine and showing her all the affection he can at this perfect moment for him? Do you really think that she’s not hugging him, telling him her hopes and dreams, sharing with
him all those ‘about to be married’ tender feelings? Don’t you think this fiance would be totally flipping out if she withdrew all this affection?

Your responce may be, yeah, well she doesn’t mean it when she tells him she loves him.



Hello!?! That means she is an insincere person! You may want to think differently about her, but the truth is if she wasn’t insincere then she wouldn’t be doing this. If she wasn’t insincere she wouldn’t go ahead with a wedding if she truly loved you instead.

You may think standing by and waiting for the inevidable is totally ok, but it’s not. Sabatoging (directly or indirectly) another person’s marriage is not right. You hurt her Future Husband as much as you hurt her (by leading her into this temptation).

Please don’t be angry I wrote this. You know as well as I that this is correct, it’s HARD as heck to let yourself realize it, but it’s true. It’s painful and cruel for this situtation to arise but imagine how painful and cruel both of you are being to her fiance.

She’s about to vow before God you know.

The only way that this can truly be good with God is if she cancels the wedding that she doesn’t truly mean, or she cancels any and all communication with you. Although I think she should cancel the wedding completely if she can be so unfaithful emotionaly to her fiance.

 

[natsclem]

I have set myself up for it to be heartbreak…the wedding is too far on, and so much money has been spent by both families, so what can she do? There isn’t anything that can be done now…its too far gone. If our relationship had maybe been serious earlier than now the wedding could have been called off, but its too late for that.

We’ve spent alot of time together lately, and even this past Friday spoke for hours on end about what we should do, there is nothing I can say or do that would change the situation now as the wedding is too close…although who is to say that in the future things could change? I always have a positive outlook on life and who knows what could happen? We could be together by next year…

Someone said there is a difference between attraction and love, yes very true but in some cases a married woman can fall in love again and in this case I trust this woman when she says she does! She trusts when I tell her also. This has been going on for a year. We speak on MSN and e-mail all day…but if IT were to click on then would they not have thought of it before now?

The woman I’ve been seeing…she works in HR, so I have no fears there.

I would like peoples advice on it though, I’m not going to shy out of hearing what people have to say about it.

So what if both families spent huge amount of money for the wedding? The most important thing in getting married is that the couple loves each other so much that they cannot imagine being separated. If she does not love her husband-to-be she cannot be faithful to him. That will not only be a waste of time, money & efforts but will also be a hellish dehumanizing situation. She should be honest with her family at this time. I believe they will understand her later.

The fact that she falls in love with you is a sign that she should not get married with the guy and should be ready to face the consequences.

 

[natsclem]

If you are meant to be together, you don’t have to pursue her.

This is going to sound condescending, but you are only 22, and don’t have enough life experience to make this decision. This is a life experience that neither of you want, believe me.

Aren’t you worth a cancelled wedding to this girl? You are fooling yourself by believing that this is a solid relationship. I just can’t believe that you are willing to settle for this mess!

Now, I’m going to be judgemental…I think that this girl is using you to get through an engagement that she isn’t sure about. I think that you, this young, attentive man, makes her feel younger and more attractive. I think that your relationship with her will fizzle faster than you can imagine. If you were as important to her as you think, her engagement would be broken.

That last paragraph sounds really mean, but I wanted to be blunt. There is no sugar-coating this nonsense.

I guess you can tell by the tone of this that I am old enough to be your mother.

I feel you are right…the girl may be using roberto to get away with the probably parents-initiated wedding.

 

[Roberto86]

Well what can I say to this woman without sounding harsh, I don’t want to be an ultimatum giver but going by the sounds of things I really should be…so what do I say without sounding harsh about things?

 

[Schultzz]

Am I sinning by living in the echos of… gosh… i don’t even think what we had was anything. It’s all been in my mind and heart. i went to confession and am now in the aftermath of that and still having a bit of a struggle. Do I need to confess daily? Like I said no lust, no plans no schemes.

I do pray for her and her family and her husband. IF I had a fantasy about all this it would be the entire family gets baptized Catholic! I know that’s not up to me but that’s where my mind takes me not down some seedy path of iniquity.

I felt great after confession and perhaps am not accepting Gods forgiveness and living in a state of guilt for what “almost” happened.

Honestly I never initiated this consciously which is what scares me. I was being friendly and answering some questions. She was sad and appreciatted someone being nice to her. All my emails have been to support her and keep her family together. Not once have I made an inappropriate suggestions or harbored any for long and none after confession.

I feel at a loss as the answer of turn it off is not working. I feel i have nowhere to turn and am on my own with this…

hence my guilty feelings.

Thank you all for being firm yet non judgmental. I know I can get through this with some support and time.

Blessings
W

Take a good long look at what you get from a relationship with a married woman. What is it that YOU get from it? Be brutally honest with yourself.
This may NOT be the last time you face this type of situation and if it happens again which I have a feeling that it will, you will either be strong or weak. satan knows where we are weak, so should you. Is your ego flattered by this woman? Is this a fantasy left over from your teen years?
Do you want and need a good woman? Get married. Go about it right.
Obviously these “feelings” you have are very strong. Sexual urgings are the strongest ones we have and they often veil themselves behind “innocence”.
Be careful! This woman may not have the moral convictions that you profess. People in recovery are never cured, they accept a daily reprieve from their addiction through a belief that through the 12 step program and God they will stay clean and sober. Do not tempt this woman by continuing to communicate with her through the guise of “Love”. Your love for her does not give you the right to compromise her recovery. Find someone else who is not married, and who is healthier emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. She has a tendency to weakness and obviously so do you. Get honest with yourself. Sick people attract sick people. Think about that and stop trying to fool yourself. Look at your posts. You have already answered your questions. Please do not make the same mistakes again.

 

[ks60]

Well what can I say to this woman without sounding harsh, I don’t want to be an ultimatum giver but going by the sounds of things I really should be…so what do I say without sounding harsh about things?

The truth. She is in a relationship with another man, and it’s not right for you to be so close. She is confused right now, and you are stepping aside so that she can figure things out. You don’t want a relationship that began like this one began; you want one that begins on a positive note.

The truth. There is nothing harsh about it, but sometimes we don’t want to hear it. You don’t have to make up reasons in order to spare her feelings. Think about what you want to say, and tell her gently and firmly. Let her know that your personal relationship is ending, and make it clear. Don’t leave it open based on whether her marriage ends. End it. If her feelings for you are TRUE, she will make the next move by calling off her wedding, but she would still need time WITHOUT you to sort her feelings. You don’t want to be the rebound guy; that’s just temporary. Having a guy in the wings is a safety net to her, but you deserve more than that.

You would be doing the right thing by ending this.
Then, date a few women so that you can really learn what it is you want in a serious relationship. And pray. Look forward to your future.

 

[Roberto86]

You have all given some good positive and some negative advice, but I value it all and I thank you all. It has all been very much appreciated, I hope I can get my head sorted out as well as my life.

Thank you all very much.

 

[natsclem]

You have all given some good positive and some negative advice, but I value it all and I thank you all. It has all been very much appreciated, I hope I can get my head sorted out as well as my life.

Thank you all very much.

You sounds like you don’t like to hear from us anymore. Anyway, Godspeed. I wish all the best for you and the girl as long as she doesn’t get married with that guy.

Remember, you deserve exclusive and unconditional love as much as you are willing to give it to her. She should be either exclusively for you or none at all. If she indeed will get married with that guy, bother her no more. You deserve better.