IVF "epidemic"

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sydney28

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Is it just me, or does it seem like IVF is the new fad? I have FIVE friends right now who are doing in-vitro, and I’m getting so frustrated of hearing about it and pretending to be happy for them or “supportive” when I feel so strongly against the morality of it. Only one of the five is Catholic and I have talked to her about the church’s stance on it. I think they are going to do it anyhow. 😦
 
It is definitely very popular. I know I’m going to have to explain a lot to my RE (when we switch to a specialist) that it is not something we are going to do. I think doctors advocate it so much because it bypasses so many potential problems–not to mention that it is a huge money maker.

I also find that many Catholics are just very misinformed. There are not that many resources that explain to women struggling to have a child what is and is not approved by the Church. And then there’s a lot of women who just don’t care…

I very much sympathize with women in the situation where they are told that ivf is their only option for having a biological child. I know I may be in that situation someday, and I really dread it. But I also know that there are morals and I could never live with myself knowing that I had created children contrary to God’s laws and possibly left some of my children to be either frozen or “discarded.” 😦
 
I don’t understand why people don’t adopt rather than conceive through IVF. I know that sounds callous. But there are so many children out there who desperately need parents. And there are parents who want children. Logical conclusion …
 
In the cases of 4 of my 5 friends - they all want to “exhaust all their options” before adopting. It is seen as a last resort, basically…

For my Catholic friend, they don’t want to adopt because apparently adopted children are looked down upon in her culture and her family (parents, aunts, uncles, etc) would always see their child as second class. Which I think is just HORRIBLE. Especially considering that her entire family and the majority of her culture is Catholic. 😦
 
That’s so sad!!! Dh and I were a little bit worried about that as well, but we’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that we’ll leave it up to God.
I want to apologize as well - I feel like my last post was really unfeeling, and could be read as hurtful to those who don’t agree with me.
 
I talked to one of my friends (non-Christian) who is going through infertility treatments to help her get pregnant, and we discussed IVF. Her opinion is that it doesn’t always work the first time, and since it is so expensive, she might as well just save the money and adopt.

My heart goes out to those who desperately want to conceive, because I know how deep the desire goes, and I can understand that IVF might feel like a bit of hope in a hopeless situation to some.
 
Never crossed our minds, even after YEARS of trying for a baby. Not only is it unethical to kill all those ‘extra’ :rolleyes: babies, but it’s ridiculously expensive for something that has a very low probability of working! Why waste all that money killing babies when we could take a much smaller amount of money to the adoption agency and be guaranteed to come home with a child? So that’s what we did! 😃 I do know the pain of infertility, but killing some babies just to maybe have a chance at getting another one will never be right. 😦
 
Why didn’t we adopt?

Domestic Adoption is upwards of $20,000, and can take up to 10years or more for a couple to be ‘chosen’ by the birth mother.
She can change her mind about things anytime, even up to (I believe) a month after the birth in GA. You may never get chosen, and spend all your childbearing years waiting.

The above may be an option if you know a mother willing to work with you, and can go through private lawyers and such, but it wasn’t available to us. We also didn’t have the money.

Why not foster adopt? We really wanted an infant, and even took a class on the procedure for Foster/Adopt. We didn’t go that route because infants are almost never put up for adoption, they always to family first. Now if you’re willing to adopt an older child, esp one with special needs, this may be the way to go. We just didn’t feel that, as first time parents, we were ready to take on that responsibility.

Foreign Adoption? Got about, oh say, $30,000+? Able to spend anywhere from 2 to 6 weeks or more in the host country? Willing to risk that you get a special needs child when you specifically asked not to? Can you stand to lose that money if you refuse said child that’s offered? We didn’t have the money first, and the risks here were again, just too great.

We even looked into embryo adoption (I know, it’s controversial).
But that’s about $15,000, and no guarantees of the embryo ‘sticking’ once implanted. We just couldn’t risk it, and again, didn’t have the money.

Adoption is a wonderful blessing, both to the child,and the family they come to. We would have been thrilled to have taken this route, but they were just not for us, either emotionally or financially.

We’re pregnant now, 25w, 6d, through IUI/DS. Neither of us is Catholic, though we did undergo counseling about this with our pastor. I posted this basically to say, please don’t say to someone dealing with IF (infertility) ‘why don’t you just adopt?’
It’s not always that easy, and doesn’t always work out.
 
TC2 said:
I posted this basically to say, please don’t say to someone dealing with IF (infertility) ‘why don’t you just adopt?’
It’s not always that easy, and doesn’t always work out.
Click to expand...
IVF doesn’t always work out either, though. I don’t think there’s any sure way to go about becoming a parent, especially when you’re struggling with infertility.

My good friend has taken a year to even get a referral to see a fertility specialist, and once there she has no idea how long it will be to actually achieve pregnancy (if she can). The hard thing is that she will have to wait 7 years before she can even apply to adopt, if she can’t get pregnant. It really sucks no matter how you look at it. It’s emotionally and financially draining.
 
TC2 said:
Why didn’t we adopt?

Domestic Adoption is upwards of $20,000, and can take up to 10years or more for a couple to be ‘chosen’ by the birth mother.
She can change her mind about things anytime, even up to (I believe) a month after the birth in GA. You may never get chosen, and spend all your childbearing years waiting.
Foreign Adoption? Got about, oh say, $30,000+?
Click to expand...
Not usually the case IRL. You hear all the time about these horribly expensive adoptions, and they do exist, but you can adopt for MUCH less than this in most cases. Even international can be as little as $8,000 in some countries, all inclusive. Domestic can literally be done for less than a $1,000 if you find a private adoption.
And as for waiting 10 years? Only if you insist on a blond haired blue eyed newborn who’s mother lived the perfect prenatal life and every health detail is known about both birth parents. There are LOTS of kids, babies, even newborns out there that need homes. We got referrals on 10 newborns in 5 months–and came home with our perfectly healthy newborn daughter only 5 months from our very first call to the agency. That was just slightly less than average.
And many states have much better laws than yours apparently does, although I’d have to do research on that too. In most states, the birthmom only has a few days to change her mind, in some, once the paper is signed that’s it.
Please don’t put these scare tactics out there to push people away from adoption, especially when it’s not even true. That is not cool. Sure, there are people who will charge an arm and a leg to take advantage of desperate couples–but it’s not the norm. Adoption can be quick, easy, and relatively inexpensive, and our daughter is proof of that. We are not the exception to the rule, either. Also, the method you promote is against Church teaching, which takes it out of the running for most folks here anyway, since most of us follow Church teachings on moral issues.
 
Gettingthere, you’re right, it is hard, no matter how it happens.

Teakafrog, I’m glad you had a quick and happy adoption, they can happen. And I posted this not to scare anyone away from adoption, as posted, I do feel it is a wonderful blessing for all involved. But it’s not always as easy as ‘just adopting’.

As for IUI not being Catholic teaching, I am aware of this.
I posted not to promote it, but to state our reasons for not adopting and what we did in response. I did mention we
weren’t Catholic, and did not mean this post as an IUI promotion.

Trust me, there are many things here on CF I’d love to discuss,
but b/c of our different viewpoints, I don’t say anything. So please
don’t take this post in a negative way, I didn’t mean it as such.

The phrase ‘why don’t they/you just adopt’ is a trigger for me, I’ve found.
 
I guess my frustration is when couples see adoption as a “last resort”. Yes, it can be expensive, but in doing research (we have been unable to get pregnant, so I’ve done LOTS of research) I have found that there are plenty of programs that will lead you to an infant at the end of the process and for much less than $30,000.
Also, the fees associated with adoption are spread out over the course of the process. You aren’t expected to come up with thousands of dollars all at once, plus there are many organizations that offer grants for couples seeking adoption. Some countries don’t even require you to travel there to pick up your baby - they will escort them to you!

It just saddens me to see people spend thousands on fertility treatments that:
a) may not even result in a pregnancy,
b) are immoral,
c) sacrifice human lives in the process - either by discarding unused embryos or “selectively reducing” the number of embryos implanted (a.k.a. abortion), or
d) result in a multiple pregnancy which puts the babies’ and the mother’s life at risk (as a NICU nurse I’ve seen families lose all three triplets that were conceived in-vitro because they were born too early)
 
Has any one noticed that 90% of those (stupid) baby shows on TLC, Discovery Health, etc. all go something like this…

“We were married for 10 years and then decided to have a baby. When we couldn’t conceive for 2 years, we did IVF…”

Or else it’s the “Jon & Kate plus 8” multiples story…

For whatever reason, popular media is in love with the IVF narrative.
 
Teakafrog said:
Not usually the case IRL. You hear all the time about these horribly expensive adoptions, and they do exist, but you can adopt for MUCH less than this in most cases. Even international can be as little as $8,000 in some countries, all inclusive. Domestic can literally be done for less than a $1,000 if you find a private adoption.
And as for waiting 10 years? Only if you insist on a blond haired blue eyed newborn who’s mother lived the perfect prenatal life and every health detail is known about both birth parents. There are LOTS of kids, babies, even newborns out there that need homes. We got referrals on 10 newborns in 5 months–and came home with our perfectly healthy newborn daughter only 5 months from our very first call to the agency. That was just slightly less than average.
And many states have much better laws than yours apparently does, although I’d have to do research on that too. In most states, the birthmom only has a few days to change her mind, in some, once the paper is signed that’s it.
Please don’t put these scare tactics out there to push people away from adoption, especially when it’s not even true. That is not cool. Sure, there are people who will charge an arm and a leg to take advantage of desperate couples–but it’s not the norm. Adoption can be quick, easy, and relatively inexpensive, and our daughter is proof of that. We are not the exception to the rule, either. Also, the method you promote is against Church teaching, which takes it out of the running for most folks here anyway, since most of us follow Church teachings on moral issues.
Click to expand...
Teaka thank you. Wonderful and INFORMED post.

I wonder why and how these myths about the cost of adoption get spread and accepted.:confused:

I know of 3 couples that I can think of that adopted VERY quickly and inexpensively (under 3000).
 
My husbands boss wanted to adopt. They had 3 boys already and his wife wanted a little girl. They found an agency that went through Guatemala. They said those kids have “lighter skin”. :rolleyes: Anyway, after paying TONS of money for this and that, they were finally lined up to adopt a 3 year old little girl. Suddenly, it fell through, the childs FATHER found out. I guess this mother was going to basically sell her 3 year old daughter. :eek: So anyway, my husbands boss started over from scratch, paid even more money still trying to get a girl from guatemala. They finally got one just this year. She’s a cutie but her skin isn’t light at all and all the bosses wife does is complain about how she can’t talk and her hair is too thin and etc… It breaks my heart.

My brother and his wife are in their early 40s. They’ve only been married for a few years but have apparently been trying to concieve to no avail. They just announced earlier this month that they will be adopting a child from Korea. We should have a new little shaver in the family by Christmas! 👍 I hope they ask me to be the Godmother! 😃
 
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