Jealous of husband

[Canary5]

I have been married to a wonderful man for almost 10 years. We have 5 children. Before we were married I had an extremely strong sex drive and struggled with masturbation for many years. Managed to get that bad habit under control and DH and I waited to have sex until we were married. Then after we were married, it’s like a switched turned off and I have no sex drive. Since day 1 being married absolutely 0 libido. I am going to get into the doctor to see “what’s broken” but even if something changes, how do I move beyond the hurt I’ve felt for the past 9 years? My DH enjoys sex so much and I just lay there wishing it could be over soon. He’s had almost 10 years of enjoyable sex and I’ve had nothing but pain (sex doesn’t hurt physically, just mentally). I didn’t even get to enjoy sex on our honeymoon. I am bitter and angry and these feelings control my life. I am the one who went through the pain of carrying and giving birth to our children yet I don’t even get to enjoy the sex that made them!? We’ve tried everything sexual within the boundaries of our faith- taken weekends away from kids with new positions, long foreplay etc. Sex is such an important part of marriage but I have no idea what pleasure married sex can bring. I love my husband so much. He is a smart, funny, attractive man and a good husband and father. I want more than anything to have amazing passionate sex with him. Just so angry that God made men and women’s sex drives so different. I know we are supposed to compliment eachother but why do men get all the “fun”? Why is it so easy for them? I hate being a woman! I’ve said many novenas and have been praying (and confessing) about it frequently. What more can I do? Anyone else battle with this and find a solution? (I can’t afford nor do I have access to a good Catholic counselor.)

 

[SuperLuigi]

Well, I think you need to at least see what your doctor says and go from there.

This could be some kind of a medical issue.

 

[Bodhi303]

Hi Canary5

I can’t imagine the disappointment and frustration you must feel unable to emotionally connect intimately with your spouse.

Considering you went from high sex drive single woman to no sex drive married woman, do you think there is a correlation between the masturbation issue you had and this current issue?
I"d ask myself these questions?
Was there some guilt about having a masturbation habbit that you havent delt with?

Was the source of your masturbation emotional pain thus making it a coping mechanism?

And without masturbation to redirect your pain do you think possibly your coping techniques have evolved into subconsciously forfeiting your sexual appetite?

In order to overcome your masturbation habit did you somehow subconsciously forfeit your sexual appetite to achieve overcome masturbating.

Just food for thought. Not judging you, just trying to help you understand some possible causes

My wife has difficulty giving herslef permission to be “sexual” I tell her all the time. It is 100% OKAY to have sexual desires and be a sensual woman. Just as it is for men. Maybe you too just need to give yourself permission once more to be that “single girl” BUT this time be that “single girl” with your loving husband.

Praying for your resolution.

 

[ClearWater]

I have been married to a wonderful man for almost 10 years. We have 5 children. Before we were married I had an extremely strong sex drive and struggled with masturbation for many years. Managed to get that bad habit under control and DH and I waited to have sex until we were married. Then after we were married, it’s like a switched turned off and I have no sex drive. Since day 1 being married absolutely 0 libido. I am going to get into the doctor to see “what’s broken” but even if something changes, how do I move beyond the hurt I’ve felt for the past 9 years? My DH enjoys sex so much and I just lay there wishing it could be over soon. He’s had almost 10 years of enjoyable sex and I’ve had nothing but pain (sex doesn’t hurt physically, just mentally). I didn’t even get to enjoy sex on our honeymoon. I am bitter and angry and these feelings control my life. I am the one who went through the pain of carrying and giving birth to our children yet I don’t even get to enjoy the sex that made them!? We’ve tried everything sexual within the boundaries of our faith- taken weekends away from kids with new positions, long foreplay etc. Sex is such an important part of marriage but I have no idea what pleasure married sex can bring. I love my husband so much. He is a smart, funny, attractive man and a good husband and father. I want more than anything to have amazing passionate sex with him. Just so angry that God made men and women’s sex drives so different. I know we are supposed to compliment eachother but why do men get all the “fun”? Why is it so easy for them? I hate being a woman! I’ve said many novenas and have been praying (and confessing) about it frequently. What more can I do? Anyone else battle with this and find a solution? (I can’t afford nor do I have access to a good Catholic counselor.)

Does your insurance cover a regular counselor? Just tell him/her upfront you’re Catholic.

Had you also tried “sensate” focusing? It’s almost like reverse psychology.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Is there something you’re afraid of, when you make love? Or maybe something you associate with lovemaking from an early age, that makes it burdensome to you?

 

[ClearWater]

For women, often, courtship is helpful…going out to dinner, romance…candles, flowers…kind words, an emotional element.

It’d be helpful to have him touch you, just to touch, hug, or kiss you without trying to get anywhere.

 

[ClearWater]

A friend of mine was married 3 times, and he said in his experience, there’s nothing that will take away a woman’s libido quicker than a wedding ring, just his “take” on this.

A lot of times, couples marry, and the “dating” stops, often altogether.

 

[Xantippe]

A friend of mine was married 3 times, and he said in his experience, there’s nothing that will take away a woman’s libido quicker than a wedding ring, just his “take” on this.

A lot of times, couples marry, and the “dating” stops, often altogether.

There’s a common variable in your friend’s story, besides the wedding ring…

 

[ClearWater]

Anyway, in sensate focus, you go 2 weeks where you can touch, hug, but you are not to actually make love. Sometimes, this in itself, helps.

 

[EasterJoy]

I don’t know if it will help, but this is hardly a problem that is only faced by new brides. Sometimes it is the bride, sometimes the groom, sometimes neither, and sometimes even both. IOW, while we totally understand that you of course want your turn, your husband is not taking anything away from you by having a sex drive and being able to enjoy sex with you. When all things are working as they should, both enjoy each other together. (Because our hormones and bodies go through more, we women are more vulnerable to these problems, but these are not inevitable, and certainly not for such a long time!)

You can look at it this way, then: Half of your problem is taken care of, because although you lost your sex drive after marriage, at least he didn’t. That is something to continue to be thankful for, because people lose their libido at many different times in life, and for many different reasons.

So–it would seem that counselling isn’t an option. We will, at any rate, assume you’re looking into what you can find that won’t cost much. (I would call Catholic Charities, because sometimes they know of Catholic counsellors who take some clients pro bono. You never know until you ask.) Also, we gather that simply doing the obvious “bring on the rose petals” things have not helped so far. We can’t do therapy, but we could ask a few of the more basic questions that you might wish you could ask your friends without disclosing more than you feel you want to with people you see at church and in the supermarket. Believe us, we can all appreciate the desire to talk to friends who could not pick us out of a line-up. Just remember, though: Everything you hear here has the authority of simple-minded suggestions you might pick up from a friend. No one here can do anything more than that. We all hope you can find someone who can give you better.

Let us get this straight without getting too graphic. Is the problem that you physically cannot climax or is the problem that you do not get something pleasurable from climax that you once got? If the latter, it may be that you fantasize differently than what you once did because you have given yourself a persona different than you once had. That is not to say you ought not want to be a saint. It is to say that maybe saints don’t have such a tight grip on their imaginations when they are with their spouses that they cannot relax enough to enjoy themselves, as something in the libido part of your brain has come to think. (I do not for a minute think you are “doing this to yourself” in any conscious way!!)

Other than that, it is very important that you let go of jealousy over your husband “getting something” that you don’t get. That is not how it is, because by your account he is doing whatever he can think of to bring you along with him, which is the goal. It wouldn’t help you if he were having problems similar to yours. It might actually make it worse. It will make things worse to think of him in un-glowing terms. It is hard to turn on a woman who begrudges you your “fun.” Your lights are all kind of on the same circuit, and you have to be wanting them all blazing bright, both his and yours.

I hope you can find a Catholic therapist, though, because other than making fairly vague references to things you might try between the two of you, we can’t offer much except to say that there is hope. It is possible for you and your husband to figure this out. It may be like one of those old-fashioned string of Christmas lights, where you have to keep trying every socket before you figure out which one(s) have the short in them, but this is something that can be figured out. It is just going to take a lot of patience, especially when you can’t afford to get someone who has fixed a lot of strings of lights to help you. (Try to figure out how to find a real “electrician” to help you, because ten years is too long to go without the colored lights coming on at Christmas.)

 

[ClearWater]

If you haven’t tried sensate, you haven’t tried it all.

You said you had sexual feelings during your courtship, and when the courtship ended, your feelings disappeared. So, that’s why I asked if you would consider rekindling your courtship, first without the sexual intimacy.

 

[Canary5]

Sorry, I’m new and I am still trying to figure out how to respond to specific peoples posts. Hopefully this works. Bodhi303, I stopped masturbating about 2 years before we got married. I have been to confession many times so I don’t think I am holding on to any guilt. I masurbated because my sex drive was so strong. I got out of the habit by lots of prayer. Saying a rosary instead of fantasizing.
For so many years I didn’t know it was wrong because my parents NEVER talked to me about sex.

 

[Canary5]

EasterJoy, I like your Christmas tree lights analogy. I live in the middle of nowhere. I looked into phone counseling but it was over $100 an hour! I have never been angry with my husband about his feelings. He is so understanding and tries his best- such a great man and I know I am really blessed to have a man who is considerate instead of angry about it all. More upset with how God made women so different. I am amazed at how common it is for women to have problems with libido. I have days when I am able to just be thankful that I can have children and that I have such a great spouse but some days I like to have myself a nice long pity party. Yes, it is so hard to talk to anyone about this- even shy to ask my doctor! I will see him again in December (he’s 7 hours away now) and I am determined to get my hormones tested. When I was in the habit of masturbating I did fantasize in order to achieve orgasm. With my husband though you think it’d work because it’s actually happening but I do notice a difference if I start to fantasize. This is the only way I can orgasm but I feel like I go off into my own world and it’s sinful to think dirty thoughts, right? Maybe I ruined myself with all my earlier fantasizing and now my hubby isn’t “enough” to get me aroused. Wow, that’s a depressing thought! We read theology of the body together and did a novena to St. Monica, and Our Lady Undoer of knots. It hurts me even more to not be able to respond to him than missing out on my own pleasure. He deserves better! Thanks for listening.

 

[EasterJoy]

Sorry, I’m new and I am still trying to figure out how to respond to specific peoples posts. Hopefully this works. Bodhi303, I stopped masturbating about 2 years before we got married. I have been to confession many times so I don’t think I am holding on to any guilt. I masurbated because my sex drive was so strong. I got out of the habit by lots of prayer. Saying a rosary instead of fantasizing.
For so many years I didn’t know it was wrong because my parents NEVER talked to me about sex.

This is just a guess, but I’m wondering if your imagination has not yet squared with a good and holy act being just as shoot-the-lights-out fabulous as something that allowed you to simply think of the most arousing thing that could ever cross your mind and going for it for no other reason than your own satisfaction. After all, you didn’t know better except to concentrate 100% on what felt good. You didn’t used to have that little interior traffic cop with the flag, the one that says–No! Not that Fantasy! Down, Girl! Bad dog! Go lie down!!–and you didn’t have anyone else to concern yourself with but you. You could be the most fabulous body ever in your imagination, because who is to know? You could not get pregnant. If you weren’t in the mood, you didn’t do it, and if you were, there was no one there who wasn’t. Anyone could instantly be there, instantly say the most perfect thing, and instantly be gone, because it was just you and your mind. There was no one else to satisfy, no one else who did not have a biofeedback loop going directly to your brain. There was no communication necessary, and if there had been, there was nothing that could not be said.

They say the brain is the most powerful sex organ, and it is true. I think you may be in the situation of someone who kept their own house for years and years and then found out that it is wrong to have a house all to yourself. You went and moved in with some roommates, cleaned up your act, then got married, and now you’re keeping house with someone else. The problem is that you know how absolutely at home a person can be when they like living on their own. I’m saying that there are totally innocent solitary pleasures that make other pleasures pale by comparison. There is no reason that this won’t be the same for anyone in the realm of sex. As a pleasure recedes into our past, it also picks up cache. We can ruin tomorrow’s pleasure by over-rating how great it was yesterday.

In that case, perhaps your work is to “sell yourself” on the excitement of a real man by comparison. I’m not sure how to go about doing that, but I’d suggest looking for things about your husband to find yourself lucky to have. Think about how much better it is to be with him than to be alone. Think of it as a turn-on when he is turned on; not a race to see who “gets there” but a “wow, he’s exciting, and he’s finding me very exciting, and how exciting is that?” If you were to mentally assess “how it used to be” in a more critical and realistic way, that might help, too. (Sour grapes are not always a bad tactic.)

There really is no home like a married home, but perhaps your fantasy life needs to be brought around to believing that.

 

[WilT]

Hi Canary5

I can’t imagine the disappointment and frustration you must feel unable to emotionally connect intimately with your spouse.

Considering you went from high sex drive single woman to no sex drive married woman, do you think there is a correlation between the masturbation issue you had and this current issue?
I"d ask myself these questions?
Was there some guilt about having a masturbation habbit that you havent delt with?

Was the source of your masturbation emotional pain thus making it a coping mechanism?

And without masturbation to redirect your pain do you think possibly your coping techniques have evolved into subconsciously forfeiting your sexual appetite?

In order to overcome your masturbation habit did you somehow subconsciously forfeit your sexual appetite to achieve overcome masturbating.

Just food for thought. Not judging you, just trying to help you understand some possible causes

My wife has difficulty giving herslef permission to be “sexual” I tell her all the time. It is 100% OKAY to have sexual desires and be a sensual woman. Just as it is for men. Maybe you too just need to give yourself permission once more to be that “single girl” BUT this time be that “single girl” with your loving husband.

Praying for your resolution.

 

[WilT]

Canary 5 you have grown up now that your married. Marriage is about you two now and of course your kids. Masturbation when singled was wrong then but somehow I feel your not over it still. You must acknowledge that all those times were truly wrong. You haven’t decided that. Plus, it may be a control issue you had over yourself doing as often as you wished, when you wished. Let that go as well. You are 2 now (in the bed). It’s about you 2 so enjoy it. You have probably everything a woman wants in a husband. Enjoy life then. Don’t hang onto the past. Start a new. Your concern about your sexuality seems concerning to me? Perhaps the responsibility of having children one after another has made sex unpleasant. Child = maternal labor. My best advice for you is enjoy your time with your husband and children. Worry less about the past and enjoy your future together. Pray to the Blessed Virgin Mary for female guidance. God Bless

 

[Canary5]

Masturbation when singled was wrong then but somehow I feel your not over it still. You must acknowledge that all those times were truly wrong. You haven’t decided that. Plus, it may be a control issue you had over yourself doing as often as you wished, when you wished. Let that go as well. You are 2 now (in the bed). It’s about you 2 so enjoy it. You have probably everything a woman wants in a husband. Enjoy life then. Don’t hang onto the past. Start a new. Your concern about your sexuality seems concerning to me? Perhaps the responsibility of having children one after another has made sex unpleasant. Child = maternal labor. My best advice for you is enjoy your time with your husband and children. Worry less about the past and enjoy your future together.

Why on earth would you say I haven’t decided that masturbation was wrong?! It’s been probably 15 years since I have masturbated- I’m over it. I’ve been to confession many, many, times since then. Also, I don’t think it is a frequency issue at all, DH is up for sex whenever! It’s not as simple as you saying “enjoy it”. I’ve tried that! That’s like telling someone with Depression to “just be happy”. I do enjoy time with my husband and children- I love them very much and enjoy being around them. I was either pregnant or nursing for a long time. My youngest is now 19 months old and I haven’t nursed him in over 6 months. I was hoping that once I wasn’t pregnant or nursing that I would get my drive back but it hasn’t happened yet. I am hoping it’s just hormonal and it will get fixed over time (and hormone treatment if it comes to that). I may need counseling to get over the past (not masturbation but the pain of no sex drive for the entire 9+ years I have been married) but maybe if I get my sex drive back then I can get over it and maybe even appreciate sex more than I could before. P.S. I pray a daily rosary and I’ve done numerous novenas.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

I may need counseling to get over the past …

I asked before, but I’ll try again. Is there anything from your childhood that could cause you to have a fundamental distrust of men? For a woman, sexual pleasure often comes as a fruit of placing herself wholly and fully in the power of her beloved. It is very hard to do that when, at some primal level, one doesn’t trust men in general.

 

[EasterJoy]

Why on earth would you say I haven’t decided that masturbation was wrong?! It’s been probably 15 years since I have masturbated- I’m over it. I’ve been to confession many, many, times since then. Also, I don’t think it is a frequency issue at all, DH is up for sex whenever! It’s not as simple as you saying “enjoy it”. I’ve tried that! That’s like telling someone with Depression to “just be happy”. I do enjoy time with my husband and children- I love them very much and enjoy being around them. I was either pregnant or nursing for a long time. My youngest is now 19 months old and I haven’t nursed him in over 6 months. I was hoping that once I wasn’t pregnant or nursing that I would get my drive back but it hasn’t happened yet. I am hoping it’s just hormonal and it will get fixed over time (and hormone treatment if it comes to that). I may need counseling to get over the past (not masturbation but the pain of no sex drive for the entire 9+ years I have been married) but maybe if I get my sex drive back then I can get over it and maybe even appreciate sex more than I could before. P.S. I pray a daily rosary and I’ve done numerous novenas.

There is something a friend of mine calls “True, True, and Unrelated”:
You used to masturbate. You now have trouble finding any desire for or satisfaction with marital relations. Those two can both be true without being related at all. There are women who have a great sex life with their husband, never masturbated in their lives, and then they have a child or a stressful job or some other trigger and “boom” it is gone. Or they marry and never have satisfactory sex. This may have no necessary connection with your past masturbating at all, excepting that you know there was a time in your life when you were capable of climax and sexual pleasure.

Let go of the masturbation thing. That is repented from, gone, and you can’t change it. Just look for whatever self-help ways there are to overcome this problem, if you can’t afford professional help.

 

[CatholicRaven]

Are you comfortable enough to “act out” with your husband some of those previous fantasies that aroused you before (assuming they wouldn’t be sinful to do with your husband)?

Don’t have to answer that here. Just thought that might help, or maybe you’ve tried that already.

Praying for you!