Jealousy in relatioship

[PeterCampbell]

Hi there. Me and my girlfriend have been dating for 10 months now, we are both Catholic and she’s 21 while I’m 20

Now, everything is going fine most of the time, we pray together and are really in communion. And in love!! The only trouble is I have a very sensitive personality and sometimes much worse than others, I got terrible jealous last night when she mentions past boyfriends… She would mention stuff she may used to do, and places she used to go with them and it would just hurt me to picture her even being in a relationship with anyone else. but my jealousy often turns to anger and resentment …

I don’t know how to control it as she means a lot to me but I can’t just turn off this jealousy even though I wish I could as she always reassures me that she loves only me

Please help !

 

[Lasting_faith]

To be jealous is normal, easy to say, but it can go too far.

Why do you think she tell you about her past? Maybe she need to talk about it to someone she trust, in this case you. It might be that she want to be upfront and tell you all, to clean the table so that nothing from her past will affect what she want to be her future with you. I admit that is not the best way to do it but usually there is a very simple explanation. Or maybe she want to check if you are the jealous type and try to find out if you are, most likely because she don’t like when people are jealous. There is a flip-side with being jelaous, it can be a hinder somewhere along the line and she is trying to make sure you are not jelaous because she may feel that she would be trapped in a relationship where jealousy may be an issue at some point.

 

[PeterCampbell]

To be jealous is normal, easy to say, but it can go too far.

Why do you think she tell you about her past? Maybe she need to talk about it to someone she trust, in this case you. It might be that she want to be upfront and tell you all, to clean the table so that nothing from her past will affect what she want to be her future with you. I admit that is not the best way to do it but usually there is a very simple explanation. Or maybe she want to check if you are the jealous type and try to find out if you are, most likely because she don’t like when people are jealous. There is a flip-side with being jelaous, it can be a hinder somewhere along the line and she is trying to make sure you are not jelaous because she may feel that she would be trapped in a relationship where jealousy may be an issue at some point.

Hey, thanks for replying. We are both open with her, and she’s not the kind of girl who doesn’t tell me things. The problem is she’s very sincere to the point where she will say things that I guess she doesn’t know affect me! I know that it’s me and my jealousy that is the problem as I’m sure that sh wouldn’t say things to annoy me or make me jealous and it’s clearly not a big thing for her to bring up her past…

 

[paseo]

Have you ever tried talking to her about how you feel? Not in a blaming sort of way, and especially not while you’re feeling the jealousy and anger rising. But in a cool headed and calm manner.
Girls tend to love heart to heart talks and talking about feelings (at least I know I do!), so she might appreciate you being honest about this, especially if it bothers you that much.

You can say something like “This is completely my problem and I realize it’s not a good feeling to have, but I sometimes feel jealous when you talk about your exes”, or something along those lines. Basically, you want to make sure that the way it comes out does not make her feel like you are blaming her at all for how you are feeling about what she is doing, especially since you said you know that she would never say or do things to purposely hurt you like that.

It’s true that some people could easily talk about past relationships in a casual manner, I’m one of those people. But if I’m aware that my boyfriend doesn’t like hearing about it and it makes him jealous or uncomfortable, then I would acknowledge that feeling and make sure that I don’t mention exes, unless of course if he asks about it.

God Bless!
Theresia

 

[PeterCampbell]

Have you ever tried talking to her about how you feel? Not in a blaming sort of way, and especially not while you’re feeling the jealousy and anger rising. But in a cool headed and calm manner.
Girls tend to love heart to heart talks and talking about feelings (at least I know I do!), so she might appreciate you being honest about this, especially if it bothers you that much.

You can say something like “This is completely my problem and I realize it’s not a good feeling to have, but I sometimes feel jealous when you talk about your exes”, or something along those lines. Basically, you want to make sure that the way it comes out does not make her feel like you are blaming her at all for how you are feeling about what she is doing, especially since you said you know that she would never say or do things to purposely hurt you like that.

It’s true that some people could easily talk about past relationships in a casual manner, I’m one of those people. But if I’m aware that my boyfriend doesn’t like hearing about it and it makes him jealous or uncomfortable, then I would acknowledge that feeling and make sure that I don’t mention exes, unless of course if he asks about it.

God Bless!
Theresia

Thanks very much! We do talk, but I suppose I have a tendency to get more angry about it and bottle things up rather than talking in a calm manner!

I often worry that me telling her what to speak about is too much of a restriction for me to put on her and could lead her to not being open which scares me!

But I suppose it is the right thing to do

Thanks

 

[GenosFutureWife]

Love is patient, love is kind, love is not jealous… (Corinthians)

Girls are complicated… I know, since I am one… lol Sometimes when I bring up something it’s because I really want my guy to bring it up, but I want him to do so voluntarily… so, maybe she wants to hear about your x’s. or, if she doesn’t, then hearing some about yours will shut her up about hers…
It takes some people longer to process the past than others, once she has processed whatever, she probably won’t talk about it… If I was you, I think that next time she starts to talk about someone else I would say “I really want to spend our time together talking about US.” or simply “It hurts when I think about you being with someone else, let’s plan what you and I are going to do together.”

Alot of people live more in the past, or the future (worry), rather than enjoying what is happening right now. It’s a bad habit.

Underneath anger, is usually sadness… this is good training for you to be able to catch things at the sadness stage, and change whatever… she might be trying to figure out what you do when you get angry… she needs to know that she will be safe.

 

[PeterCampbell]

Love is patient, love is kind, love is not jealous… (Corinthians)

Girls are complicated… I know, since I am one… lol Sometimes when I bring up something it’s because I really want my guy to bring it up, but I want him to do so voluntarily… so, maybe she wants to hear about your x’s. or, if she doesn’t, then hearing some about yours will shut her up about hers…
It takes some people longer to process the past than others, once she has processed whatever, she probably won’t talk about it… If I was you, I think that next time she starts to talk about someone else I would say “I really want to spend our time together talking about US.” or simply “It hurts when I think about you being with someone else, let’s plan what you and I are going to do together.”

Alot of people live more in the past, or the future (worry), rather than enjoying what is happening right now. It’s a bad habit.

Underneath anger, is usually sadness… this is good training for you to be able to catch things at the sadness stage, and change whatever… she might be trying to figure out what you do when you get angry… she needs to know that she will be safe.

Thanks a lot for the reply! I don’t think she wants to hear about my x’s , I think she just genuinely doesn’t care so talks about it normally and she is very open and sincere even to a point where she doesn’t notice that things may hurt me. Upon noticing this she is very apologetic it’s just I don’t want to react in the way I do!

I guess you’re right about anger being sadness as that is what is at the core and I suppose I need to trust that she’s with me as she wants me!

 

[GenosFutureWife]

Well, she needs to care… that’s what a relationship is all about!

I am praying for both of you.

It seems you are both abusing each other… it’s unintentional… but hurtful.

She disregards your feelings, which is a form of verbal abuse. And you yell at her, which is a different form of verbal abuse. Both are unhealthy, and either will destroy a relationship even though there is love there.

You need to learn how to walk away when you start feeling angry… go for a walk, and cool down.

Maybe spend some time praying in front of the blessed sacrament. Or saying a favorite prayer.

It’s healthy to set limits. It’s perfectly ok to tell her that you don’t want her to tell you anything about her past unless you ask. Be firm about it, and if she starts in again tell her to “stop it”. If she truly loves you, she should be able to change her behavior.

Then once in a while when you are feeling particularly calm, you might ask her to pick one thing to tell you… set a time limit if you have to… the goal is for you to stay calm, and know that the past is over and done with and she is with you now. Then it’s your turn, and you tell her something. If she truly doesn’t want to hear about your x’s, she’ll stop talking about hers… either way, without the yelling, you two will grow closer.

The man is the head of the household, just like Jesus is the head of the church. When a man sets a limit that is fair, even though the woman may grumble about it on the surface, she gains a great deal of respect for him. If it’s not fair, then she sees him as being … ridiculous… I can tell already that you’re the type of man who will set a fair limit.

May God heal the past for both of you, and help you to build a strong, healthy, loving friendship.