Well, it looks like you’re already working on it and you know where to start and where to go from there. As I see it from here, please don’t understand me wrong - I certainly don’t want to suggest slowing down in your efforts - contrary, keep them up - but make sure you do it because you love her and not because you’re walking on eggshells to avoid a problem. If I were in your shoes - and supposing I’d be able to stay calm like that, which I’m not really sure of - I’d probably try to give that other person the impulse to meet me halfway.
Early in our marriage I think that some of the efforts I made were done mainly to avoid problems and the headaches that came with them. I think that’s part of why a lot of our little issues turned into big problems, and the big problems never seemed to get any better. With a little age and experience, I began to approach them from the perspective of wanting to make us both happier and to strengthen our marriage, which helped out a lot. Having our daughters helped out a lot, too, because it showed me just how boundless love can truly be (that also helped me make huge leaps as a parent). One thing that worries me is that my wife sometimes still tackles problems from a self-centered perspective (as in wanting to make things better/easier for her and not to resolve them for the sake of the family). I approach that as delicately as possible so that it doesn’t sound as though I’m accusing her of selfishness, even if that’s how she usually takes it.
Whatevergirl, one of the biggest struggles I’ve faced is her past issues and the laundry list of people who have treated her bad (not only ex-boyfriends and family members but people like the close friend who didn’t like the fact that my positive influence got her to quit smoking and cut out most of the drinking & partying (which led to her having a healthier, more positive outlook, but also led to her seeing that friend less often) so she invited my wife to a “party” consisting mostly of their ex-boyfriends where the intention was to get her drunk & gang rape her…I showed up in the proverbial nick of time and had to drag her out with one arm while holding an empty gin bottle in the other). When she gets to feeling that I might start treating her like one of them had, all I can really do is be as loving and supportive as possible and try to reassure her that, since I haven’t acted like that in the last 18+ years, I’m probably not going to do it in the future.
I don’t believe that most of her actions are done in a hurtful manner, but are mostly reactions based on defense mechanisms she built up in the past. I often pray for the strength to keep that in mind when things turn bad, and for the most part I do quite well. I’ve worked on the things that I do that I know are a problem in these situations and have gotten them under control for the most part (i.e. talking down to her, losing my temper). The way I see it, I can either lose my temper/patience and add to the problem, or keep my cool and ride out the storm and hope to make things better. While we’d gotten to the point where we were having daily arguments, they’re much less common now, averaging about once a month.
Although some of what I’ve said may make it sound as though things aren’t improving much, they’ve actually gotten much better over the last year. As odd as it may sound, and something that just helps to reinforce the notion that God moves in mysterious ways, the thing that’s helped more than anything else is our miscarriage. I’ve said before that it brought us closer together, but it also let my wife see a side of these friends she’d been suspicious of previously that she’d not seen or had ignored before. They showed the kind of genuine concern that we failed to get from a lot of our family, and when my wife was finally able to read their notes and emails she was able to see why I was so glad I’d kept in touch with some of them.
I honestly believe we’re on the right path, and that we’re not too far off from being where we need to be. It just feels at times as though we’re missing some key ingredient or step that we need to get us there.
But taking for what you say as face-value, I think no matter what you do, she will continue to be insecure. Insecurity is an inward problem, and only the person with the insecurity issues can overcome it. You can’t cure your wife of this. You CAN mitigate anything that might contribute to her insecurity growing worse, but really…from what you say here, you have tried to be attentive, accomodating, complimentary…it seems to be falling flat. She needs help. I pray for her, that she overcomes this. Jealousy, and insecurity can really zap the true joy from a marriage.
lol. It’s just an impression that comes across very strong and also goes along with what I already know in general about men and women.
She has abandonment and trust issues from how she was treated by others…I feel badly for her. I lost my parents as a young child, and I had trust issues when I was first married…they didn’t manifest quite like your wife’s, but I was always worried my husband was going to die, if he left my sight.