Jealousy & Marriage

[Liberanosamalo]

She had all but given up on men at that point and took a lot of that out on me. I knew we were meant to be together so I didn’t give up on her. She realized that all along and finally got to the point where she couldn’t deny it any further, come up with new ways to push me away or reasons why we shouldn’t be together. Her home life was awful, but she had resigned herself to it. I’ve spent nearly every day since then working to make her as happy as I can.

C’mon, SMHW and kage-ar, two can play at that game. Or maybe here is a man who met a woman who had issues and spent years pushing him away and he didn’t take no for an answer and though she was unhappy he thought it was a challenge to fix her and he married her and has spent 13 years trying to make her happy and is writing to us wondering why SHE didn’t change.

I find it another set of conflicting language he’s giving us between the “We were fated to being together” and “she spent all her time pushing me away.”

He knew when he met her and was dating that she took her insecurities out on him and now he’s wondering why she takes her insecurities out on him.

You can’t marry someone thinking they will be a project you can fix. And I’m interested in those “cultural differences.” What cultures are clashing here? That might also be a big clue here.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

I’m not trying to disrespect anyone but I don’t see how treading down an already failed path can bring us further. Due to her past experiences, my wife believes that most if not all guys act a certain way; that if they do A & B then C will inevitably follow. To try to avoid this, she asked me to make certain changes which, the first time around, I was willing to do. Once that happened, the only purpose it served was to justify her suspicions that I had done A & B, leading her to insist on further restrictions to avoid C. Every time a new demand was met her misguided suspicions were simply strengthened and entrenched more deeply. We were both miserable and she still lacked that trust in me. I don’t want us to get back to that point. What I do want is to have her self confidence and faith in me strengthened to the point where I can look both ways at a stop sign without having to worry that I’ll end up in the dog house because of it.

I’ve tried to explain that I’m not engaging in inappropriate or intimate discussions with these people but that point keeps getting skewed or missed. I have married acquaintances who carry on very inappropriate relationships with members of the opposite sex and it truly sickens me. I have other friends, though, who have plenty of appropriate & proper platonic relationships with members of the opposite sex. I get the feeling that some people are either incapable of such relationships, or unable to believe that such relationships can exist. I had several very close female friends in high school and college. They were never anything other than friends, and the thought of being more than friends with them is odd or even laughable. These were people I cared a great deal for, but I felt that way about my core group of guy friends as well. I don’t find it unnatural or wrong for me to want to keep in touch with these people. They all meant a lot to me and had a hand in helping me grow into the person I am today. I seldom see them in person, very rarely speak to them on the phone and only occasionally exchange notes or emails with them. Aside from big news like births, deaths, etc., these are almost invariably extremely casual notes–car advice, recipes, funny stories about the kids, etc. I can’t see any sort of logical reason why someone should feel threatened by such things, or how they can read something into them more than what’s on the surface. If we’re going to put an end to these then we may as well get rid of the phone line as well; it’s just too big a temptation.

I do like some of the advice that’s been given here, and just discussing the matter lets me look at it from a different perspective. I’ll likely get Seven Levels of Intimacy and work with my wife to read it with her. I’ve suggested marriage encounter weekends, counseling and talking with our priest but she doesn’t feel comfortable with that. I know that limits some of my better options, but I’m doing what I can with what I have on hand.

One thing she did tell me this past weekend was that she gets depressed because she thinks she’s not as attractive to me anymore. She said it gets worse when she sees me looking at other women, but then she admitted that she can’t think of the last time that actually happened. I pointed out to her that she’s just as beautiful now as she was the night I met her, and honestly doesn’t look that much different. I keep telling her that she needs to quit worrying about it and that she can let it bother her when I start complaining (the caveat being that she knows I’ll never complain). I can’t think of a single day in the last 3-4 months that I haven’t spent at least an hour holding her close, telling her how wonderful she looks, how much I care for her, etc. I don’t know how better to get that to sink in. I don’t want to validate her suspicions by doing something that will make her think she has a reason to have them.

To put it in a different light, I know a guy who’s a bit backwards. He’s the sort who has every degenerate in the neighborhood coming in and out of his house morning, noon & night. A couple years ago a black family moved in on the end of the block. Not long after that the guy’s house was robbed, and then shortly after that someone looted his garage. The same thing happened twice to a guy several doors down who does the same thing (non-stop parties, never knows who’s there). The first guy told me he blamed the rise in crime on all the blacks moving into the neighborhood. I tried to point out to him that it more likely had to do with his letting anyone and everyone tramp through his house without knowing who they are or where they came from. He looked at me like I was insane and told me they’d rob him blind given the chance. Not long after that, the black family moved out. A couple months later, he was robbed again. This time it was due to all the Mexicans moving into the neighborhood (there weren’t any, but he had to blame someone; another neighbor was having his roof redone and one of the roofers was Mexican). That winter he was robbed again, only now it was the blacks AND Mexicans, none of which had moved into the neighborhood, but you couldn’t convince him they didn’t exist. I’m sure there’d be some way to convince this guy that these boogeymen aren’t out to get him without leveling every house he suspects of housing one minority or another, just as I’m sure there’s a way to get my wife feeling better about her and our relationship without leveling any relationships of our own.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

As to what you can do about it… You do have to be sensitive to your wife’s feelings. Married people do have to place some limits on outside relationships. It seems to me that your wife needs to cultivate some healthy relationships herself. Perhaps you know some couples with whom both you and your wife could cultivate friendships.

I’ve tried quite a bit to get us to socialize with other couples. Most of the friends we had when we first got married have moved away, while the ones from that period who are left in town are ones we’ve grown apart from. I’ve pushed to have us spend time with her friends and their spouses, but she’s still more comfortable just doing things one-on-one. I continue to work on that.

Although I don’t want to get too personal/detailed about the cultural differences (we are both Catholic), one side of her family seems to view it as a betrayal that she didn’t marry back into the culture. There’s nothing I could do to live up to their expectations because I’m not “like them.” They typically don’t look at me, don’t talk to me and want nothing to do with me, then say that I’m the one making things difficult. The other side of the family is infinitely better than us and everyone they’ve ever meet. They’ve projected their negative feelings toward her parents onto us from the start of our relationship and made several large attempts to ruin our marriage over the years. They’ve placed a fairly unbridgeable gap between us and while I suppose I should be bothered by that, it’s a wound I’m no longer willing to put effort into healing.

I’ve never viewed her as a project or something that needed fixing and didn’t know about how truly awful her situation was until we started dating. I knew from the beginning that we would have to overcome some challenges (mainly in regards to our son), but I never thought that it wasn’t worth it. Some of the struggles were overwhelming at times, but the alternative (being without the two of them) was much worse than having to deal with the problems. She loved me from the start as well but had been conditioned to expect disappointment and pain. She was accustomed to lashing out like that, which gave her a comfort zone–she didn’t have to open up too much or care too deeply for me which made my inevitable (in her mind) mistreatment and abandonment of her easier to deal with. When I didn’t treat her bad, leave her, let her family scare her off, she finally let her defenses down. It wasn’t until about our 7th year of marriage that she finally started believing that I wouldn’t leave her. We’ve had other more serious problems and have worked through those, and I’m confident we can get past this as well.

 

[msmusic]

Gordon, I totally understand where you’re coming from. I’m having sort of a similar issue with my husband. I am not really a social person and neither is my husband. But I have friends–male and female. I try to spend some time with all of my friends and email those I don’t see very often. I don’t go out very much and don’t travel very often and am a real homebody. But we have two children with disabilities and I find that every once in awhile I have to do things for myself to stay sane. I’ve never cheated on my husband and as far as I’m concerned have never given him the reason to believe I’ve cheated on him. But he thinks that the fact that I need to spend some time focusing on myself once in awhile is reason to think that I’ll have a fling with the first guy that pays attention to me. Honestly, I have devoted practically my entire life to trying to show my husband I love and respect him and trying to make sure my kids get the help and attention they need to be successful in life. I even put together a book of my poetry as a present to my husband for father’s day. The poems speak about our children and our family and how much I love them. I try very hard in many ways to let him know I love him and that he’s #1 in my life.

I also have to note that I’ve lost about 30 pounds over the past year and am feeling great. I originally started working on that to try and inspire my husband to begin taking better care of himself. But it didn’t work.

I don’t think that having male friends is opening myself up to sin. God speaks to us through every person we meet and I don’t think that God’s words to me are just limited to the words of my female friends.

I was going to come on the board today to express my sadness and frustration at the situation because my husband is having a hard time right now and is immersed in unwarranted suspicion and jealousy. I love my husband very much. But I won’t let him project his insecurities on to me and I continue to pray for him every day and say a rosary every night for him, for me, and for our marriage.

Sorry if I sound like I’m focusing too much on myself. But I just wanted to show you why I understand your situation. I agree with some of what the folks (and you) here have said, like trying to include your wife in your friendships and making sure she understands that she’s #1 in your life, bringing your wife out to spend some time with your friends, etc. Maybe you should also try getting involved in some sort of activity or sport together, even if it’s only walking. You can’t make her improve her self image, but maybe if she gets out of her regular routine with your walking, biking, running, roller skating, etc together, it will help her feel better about herself and bring her out of her shell. You also can’t erase the memories she has from growing up or the pain, but you can try to show her by example that there’s a different way to live life and that it isn’t necessarily her fault.

good luck and prayers

 

[ac_claire]

I’m not trying to disrespect anyone but I don’t see how treading down an already failed path can bring us further. Due to her past experiences, my wife believes that most if not all guys act a certain way; that if they do A & B then C will inevitably follow. To try to avoid this, she asked me to make certain changes which, the first time around, I was willing to do. Once that happened, the only purpose it served was to justify her suspicions that I had done A & B, leading her to insist on further restrictions to avoid C. Every time a new demand was met her misguided suspicions were simply strengthened and entrenched more deeply. We were both miserable and she still lacked that trust in me. I don’t want us to get back to that point. What I do want is to have her self confidence and faith in me strengthened to the point where I can look both ways at a stop sign without having to worry that I’ll end up in the dog house because of it.

I’ve tried to explain that I’m not engaging in inappropriate or intimate discussions with these people but that point keeps getting skewed or missed.

Yes but this is according to *your *perspective only. Your wife seems to disagree. And to be honest I don’t know any men who are so frequently “hit on” by women the way you are who don’t offer anything up front to lead the women on. It may even be unconscious on your part; that’s entirely possible. But it’s a problem.

All the objections that you cover in this post have already been addressed many times over by me and others on this thread. You can go ahead and write another 5-page novel of a post to try to explain yourself better so you’ll be “understood”…if that’s how you like to waste your time, go right ahead. But the fact is we don’t need to hear more. We’ve heard enough and we really, really, truly do understand the situation as well as strangers on a forum can, and we understand that you’re not entirely at fault and that your wife may even be unreasonable about this at times. We all know and understand this. But the advice still stands and it’s not gonna change.

I gotta say you’re one of the most stubborn people I’ve ever dialogued with on these forums lol. I don’t mean that in a “calling you names” way…it’s just an observation. I’m literally shaking my head in wonder. You are consistently refusing to give an inch. If you’re not willing to change and only want to argue about how you’re right or how you’ve “already done that!” then there is no hope for your marriage at this point.

I pray that your wife will be able to draw some comfort and peace about all this from your children and from God because she sure as heck isn’t getting it from you.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

Msmusic, I wish you and your family the best and in a way it’s comforting to hear from someone going through a similar situation. We spend a lot of time walking & hiking together, but those usually lead to more insecurity (we’re bound to pass other people, at least half of whom are female, and if any of them are at all attractive or scantily-dressed then I tend to end up in trouble, even if I’m not around when they pass). I also went through a period of losing weight and getting in shape a few years, which I did mostly for the sake of my wife & kids. This actually brought the jealousy back to its current levels (her thinking was that I did it in preparation of looking for someone else, although I’ve since convinced her that wasn’t the case). I fully understand your need for some personal time and tend to only get mine while either of us is working (so, no, my “wasted time” on here is not taking time away from my wife or family (and not my job, either, since I reserve personal internet use for during my breaks)).

Ac claire, I’m not sure what else I can say that won’t be misconstrued. I don’t engage in improper relationships and neither do the friends I keep in contact with. Me posting a general note on Facebook about how my day is going or having someone send me a recipe or suggestion for a book isn’t the kind of thing that invites an affair. I’ve never led anyone on or put myself into inappropriate situations that have led to someone making a pass. Regardless, these incidents happened with a good deal of frequency up through a few years ago. They rarely, if ever, occurred before I was married, and the only time I can think of it happening when I didn’t have my wedding ring on was in a group setting consisting mostly of family members. The person who came onto me was a friend of a family member, knew full well that I was married, had met my wife & kids before and still made a fool of herself (the fact that this family member still considers this person a close friend bothers me quite a bit, and we have to ask if they’re going to be present anytime we go to this family member’s house). I didn’t care much for this person before this occurred, so the only signals I was sending in their direction were just shy of hostility. I rebuffed her once which led to a much more blatant effort on her part, which devolved into a fairly ugly scene. She followed this up with emails (she got mine from a joke my family member had sent out), which I not only showed to my wife, but had her sit with me as I first replied then added this person to the blocked senders list. It was important to me to show my wife just how offended and opposed I was to what someone else characterized as “harmless flirting.”

I’ve made monumental sacrifices in the past, for this and other issues. Sometimes they’ve worked, but for this issue in particular they were not successful. Had I not already tried it then I’d agree that my current refusal is a sign of stubbornness and that I’d be wrong not to attempt it. I’ve seen the results of it before and I simply can’t fathom how it would be different this time. I was hoping for some alternatives and I have gotten a few. I don’t see this as something that will jeopardize our marriage (I did cut all ties with the one person my wife was adamant about), but I do see things being much better if we can work through this. I’m not saying things aren’t good now, but I know that we’d both be happier if the insecurity wasn’t there, and if we could have more active social lives (yes, I realize that’s not the most important things particularly in a marriage, but I also know the positive influence good friendships have had on both of us in the past).

 

[kage_ar]

Cultural differences, that shines a whole 'nother light on things. These can be huge!

My only advice is try to learn as much as you can about her culture, and the subtle interactions and expectations.

 

[whatevergirl]

*Gordon–you and your wife sound like you are very unhappy together, sadly. I have you in my prayers that somehow, someway, you will both be able to get past these differences, and problems in your marriage–that your wife will begin trusting you and looking to you as her husband and not competition–and you will enjoy your marriage together. As I read more and more, just reading your ‘side’ so to speak, it sounds like you both have a lot to work on. At first, I thought you gave her reason to doubt, but it sounds like your wife has a lot of unresolved issues that she brought into the marriage, in hopes that you’d be the cure. I did this to my own husband (not the mistrust issues, but had unreasonable expectations of marriage) and it nearly cost us our marriage.

Thankfully, through prayer and realizing that a spouse is not a cure for our past problems, we are once again happily married. I will be praying for you both. *

 

[Gordon_Sims]

*Gordon–you and your wife sound like you are very unhappy together, sadly. *

We’re actually quite happy most of the time, which is why it’s so important to me to iron out the things that give us trouble. We’ve weathered some storms and tremendous tragedies, but we keep coming out of them with a stronger bond and deeper love for one another. A lot of my frustration comes from the fact that we can get through some of these huge things just fine, but then something that seems so insignificant (to me, at least) can turn into a huge argument.

When I first met my wife I knew she was the person I wanted to spend my life with. Thanks to my own insecurities it took two years and a ton of alcohol for me to get up the nerve to ask her out. It took a great deal of love, faith and commitment on my part to get over the insecurities I had about her, but not only was I able to do it, I was much happier once I did. I now view our life together as part of God’s plan, and I believe that if she had as much faith in that as I do, then the few problems we do have would largely go away.

 

[ac_claire]

Ac claire, I’m not sure what else I can say that won’t be misconstrued. I don’t engage in improper relationships and neither do the friends I keep in contact with.

I don’t care if your relationships are, in fact, actually inappropriate or not. That’s not the point. Point is, it bothers your wife. And you don’t seem to care enough to stop the behavior that’s bothering her.

 

[gilbertgea]

My. $0.02…

Full disclosure: I am a traditional Catholic man, a husband, and a father.

In my opinion, your wife should be your primary, if not sole, confidante. Like St. Peter was the rock upon which Our Lord built His Church, your wife is the person ‘upon whom’ you are going to build your family. She occupies a unique and singular place in your life; indeed, when the two of you marry, you become one flesh. She is you, and you are she.

You, as the husband, are the head of your family: the pater familias. Your role is to lead your family to heaven. Your wife, when she becomes your wife, owes you (among other things) obedience; that is to say, she is to follow and support you insofar as you follow the traditional Catholic Faith. Not slavish obedience, but true Catholic obedience.

However, as your supporter, it is her duty – not anyone else’s – to advise you in how to lead your family. If you are cavorting with other women, whether or not you consider them to be friends, you undermine that special trust and confidence that she has bestowed in you. You could be doing nothing more than talking about the weather: that is completely besides the point. If you’re doing it without her, as a routine matter, she is absolutely justified in feeling left out.

It cuts both ways. Imagine that your wife were confiding routinely in one of her former male friends. Perhaps it began innocently, e.g. ‘So, what do you think I should put in my pasta sauce?’ Over time, her questions could become more intimate, ‘What colour dress should I wear for my husband?’ Or perhaps something to do with your husband’s children, ‘How should I discipline my children?’ or ‘Do you think this book is appropriate for my children?’

Finally, when problems arise between your husband and you (no relationship is perfect, even the most well-intended people disagree sometimes), will you go to your male friends and ask their advice? ‘My husband thinks I’m too . What do you think?’

For what it is worth, I limit anything having to do with serious discussions to a very narrow group: my wife, my commanding officer or my boss, and my priest. My priest, because he will lead me to heaven, my commanding officer or my boss because his professional opinion of me impacts my ability to provide for my family, and my wife because she *is *my family. She is the other half of me. To confide in someone else about a family matter (aside from, perhaps, my priest) is, simply, unthinkable.

I know it is an antiquated way of looking at the world, but I think it is nonetheless valid. For a marriage to work, there has to be a sense of hierarchy and authority or there can be no unity. Yes, a marriage is in a sense a partnership, in that both the man and the wife are working towards the same goal: their salvation and that of their children. However, if you look at a marriage from a more traditional POV, and realise your unique role as the head of your family by virtue of your sacrament of marriage, and that your wife willingly ‘surrendered herself’ to you, trusting that you will have an exclusive trusting relationship – and if you understand that respect is mutual, i.e. it goes both ways – then there is no reason to have other female confidantes apart from your wife.

So, when you confide in other women, you are going outside of your family, outside of your hierarchy, outside of your unity, breaching the special trust and confidence *de facto *that you wife has granted you, and you’re abusing your authority as her husband. It is her right to advise you, her right to support you, her right to aid and comfort you.

Perhaps, the best thing to do, since she has given you her trust and her confidence, is to simply ask her if she minds whether or not you ask the opinions of other women in each and every circumstance that you think you need someone else’s advice. She has the right to tell you ‘no’. You dont have to listen, but if it is not for some grave, compelling reason, you should respect her wishes.

Yr. obt. servt. in Christ,

G. Gilbert

 

[Sunflower15]

I have read most of this thread, though not all of it, and it seems to me that women who have the exact same issue as your wife are all over the thread!
I am a very one-on-one type of person, however, marriage places limits on certain things…not on everything, such as family, interests, opinions, religious beliefs, feelings, etc. No one can tell another human being what to think or feel, how to feel or relate…

Your relationship sounds great to me. You guys have been together for over a decade and speak out your problems to find solutions. You insist on being truthful…WOW!
NEVER give that up! I cannot understand why she doesn’t trust you…as much as I’m trying…really!

I find it VERY unhealthy to think one cannot have friends [of either gender] because one is married! Healthy adults need relationships with different people to stay healthy because it introduces discovery, breadth, depth, variety, diversity, however you want to call it…and makes them feel alive…what Christians call a ‘rich, abundant life’. The exact opposite is a ‘micro-managed’, limited, shallow type of existence.

IF you were to do what most of these posters are suggesting…you may not make it another 10 years…because then YOU wouldn’t want to be with her! The marriage is both of you…Her AND You! You mentioned you have never been unfaithful…then, there is NO need to feel/worry/walk on eggshells/agonize/be mortified as IF you had!

I’m deducing that primarily mental people will agree with you, and that primarily emotional people will agree with her…it seems to be a matter of personality types!

Even if you tried/wanted to, which I doubt is the case…you couldn’t be who you are NOT, anymore than you could demand from her to be who she is not! [And, I wonder if you had posted that you demand of your wife to cut off all her friends because you are jealous, even though there is no justification, what would all these people say? ]
Or on the opposite side of the spectrum, if you insisted that she MUST be the social butterfly that she naturally isn’t, and doesn’t feel comfortable being…

It is imperative that you NEVER betray her trust because then your word would not be any good…regardless of how she feels [since she feels the same whether you are faithful or you aren’t] And I’m saying this purposefully, because at some point, you’ll be tempted for that precise reason…what difference does it make to her? *. You are faithful because YOU are a faithful person. period!

Other than that…be compassionate with her…that she has insecurity issues [yes…something IS odd there!] And it would help both of you if you keep insisting in letting her know how interesting, wise, [not just beautiful], you find her…it seems she is not jealous of body as much as for your attention [what you find interesting].

Other than that…remember to be respectful of her place [very special place] as your wife, and make it a point w/everyone…but she cannot be the Sun. all the time [she must be sometimes! ] We are social creatures. She may consider getting involved in things that she would admire in others [if she thinks it’s great to paint, or to write, or whatever], then she will admire herself. Self-esteem comes from within…you cannot give it to her…

A note: some people do not know how to have close friends of the opposite gender…which I find extremely sad…but it is common… I have always had great male friends, very close ones of whom I ask advice [especially when I need a guy’s opinion, rather than a woman’s because the woman would most likely see it just as I do, or simply doesn’t understand what is inside a guy’s head]. I mention this because if people have never had close relationships [very proper ones!] with the opposite gender, they may not be able to understand the insanity of being jealous of them! [in all fairness] Has your wife had male friends? To me, the very last people of whom anyone should be jealous of is close friends. Is it possible for her to become friends with your female friends as well, instead of cutting them off from both of your lives?

Sorry if I’m digressing here…I just can’t understand at all, and I keep trying…
*

 

[crenfro]

Hello.

As I read through your post I noticed most of your concerns were about how YOU felt. Love is being concerned about the welfare of the other, love involves sacrifice.

And there are also temptations that can arise from “lack of custody of the eyes.”

I like to people-watch too. But from hard experience I’ve learned to be very careful and honest with myself about my motives. Got to the point where I take my glasses off a lot in public so I won’t place myself in a near occasion of sin, and today, where examples of “walking occasions of sin” are all over the place, seems my glasses are almost always off.

If you’re a writer, can’t you use your imagination a little bit more and watch people a little less?

How much do you care about having a happy marriage?

Just my ideas, take or leave them, and thanks for your post.

 

[ptsearch]

I don’t often post here but after I read your post I felt compelled to do so.

I would suggest that you do some research and reading on emotional infidelity. There is also good information on how to affair proof your marriage. You can google and find a lot of good information.

Your wife is right. If someone is having a close relationship with a member of the opposite sex then it can constitute an extramarital affair. If these women are feeling comfortable enough to make passes at you, you are probably doing something that indicates “it’s ok” especially if it has happened more than once. It does not make it OK just to tell her about it.

Seek out a good marriage counselor and one that has had experience with emotional infidelity. You may also want to seek individual counseling to understand why you are turning to other people so much…facebook, e-mail, relationships… All of those things take time and there is only so much time in a day. If you are spending your time elsewhere and not on your marriage well…

Seek help…marriages are too important.

You need to protect your marriage and earn her trust. She will trust you but you both will need to make changes. Take a look at the USCCB’s website foryourmarriage.com and for resources.

 

[ptsearch]

I don’t often post here but after I read your post I felt compelled to do so.

I would suggest that you do some research and reading on emotional infidelity. There is also good information on how to affair proof your marriage. You can google and find a lot of good information.

Your wife is right. If someone is having a close relationship with a member of the opposite sex then it can constitute an extramarital affair. If these women are feeling comfortable enough to make passes at you, you are probably doing something that indicates “it’s ok” especially if it has happened more than once. It does not make it OK just to tell her about it.

Seek out a good marriage counselor and one that has had experience with emotional infidelity. You may also want to seek individual counseling to understand why you are turning to other people so much…facebook, e-mail, relationships… All of those things take time and there is only so much time in a day. If you are spending your time elsewhere and not on your marriage well…

Seek help…marriages are too important.

You need to protect your marriage and earn her trust. She will trust you but you both will need to make changes. Take a look at the USCCB’s website foryourmarriage.com and for resources.

 

[beacon]

Sounds like to me he wants to eat his cake and have it too. Keep his wife and still flirt and make female freinds that will stroke his ego . He is treading in dangerous waters and the sooner or later this marriage will end when the another female falls in love with him and wants him . Does he tell these other women how JEALOUS his wife acts? Does he complain to them? Then he is searching for another to get out of the relationship he is presently committed too.
I can feel for this woman she feels insecure and unwanted and not needed in his life other than housekeeper , wife in name. Men seek other women out for friends when they need their ego stroked and nine times out of ten these relationships lead to affairs. She needs TLC and he needs to TALK to her and flatter her and DO things with HER. Above all show her he loves her by spending time with her.

Do they share the same interests? Hobbies? Why did they get married in the first place? She is unhappy and he cannot figure this out because he is so happy???

PRAY for each other and best is to PRAY togther. It takes 3 to make a marriage last and work God , man and woman.

Just sharing some other thoughts

 

[ac_claire]

In my opinion, your wife should be your primary, if not sole, confidante. Like St. Peter was the rock upon which Our Lord built His Church, your wife is the person ‘upon whom’ you are going to build your family. She occupies a unique and singular place in your life; indeed, when the two of you marry, you become one flesh. She is you, and you are she.

However, as your supporter, it is her duty – not anyone else’s – to advise you in how to lead your family. If you are cavorting with other women, whether or not you consider them to be friends, you undermine that special trust and confidence that she has bestowed in you. You could be doing nothing more than talking about the weather: that is completely besides the point. If you’re doing it without her, as a routine matter, she is absolutely justified in feeling left out.

Brilliant post, thank you!

Your relationship sounds great to me. You guys have been together for over a decade and speak out your problems to find solutions. You insist on being truthful…WOW!
NEVER give that up! I cannot understand why she doesn’t trust you…as much as I’m trying…really!

Hm, ok… That’s a very interesting definition of “great” you have. The OP’s wife clearly is insecure and unhappy much of the time, and her husband doesn’t care enough to do what he needs to do to ease her mind and show her that she’s #1 in his heart. She doesn’t trust him because he’s incapable of being honest with himself or her about his behavior and his opposite sex “friendships.” I pray that one day they will truly have a great relationship, but they aren’t there yet.

 

[kage_ar]

Our Church does not encourage us to do things that are sinful or harmful. Remember, Jesus had friends of both genders.

What is wrong is jealousy. Song 8:6 “Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm; for love is strong as death, jealousy is cruel as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, a most vehement flame.”

Read what Holy Mother Church says about friendship (bold mine)…

scborromeo.org/ccc/para/2347.htm

2347 The virtue of chastity blossoms in friendship. It shows the disciple how to follow and imitate him who has chosen us as his friends, who has given himself totally to us and allows us to participate in his divine estate. Chastity is a promise of immortality.

Chastity is expressed notably in friendship with one’s neighbor.*** Whether it develops between persons of the same or opposite sex, friendship represents a great good for all.*** It leads to spiritual communion.

 

[ac_claire]

kage_ar…Yes friendships are important. I don’t see anyone disputing that. Don’t you think that a man should be willing to limit his numerous acquaintance-y flirtships if sustaining them is causing real tension between him and his wife?

 

[kage_ar]

kage_ar…Yes friendships are important. I don’t see anyone disputing that. Don’t you think that a man should be willing to limit his numerous acquaintance-y flirtships if sustaining them is causing real tension between him and his wife?

I believe the man above when he says he does not flirt.

I’ve known many women who are uber jealous, I don’t understand it. This couple needs good Catholic counseling.