Jealousy & Marriage

[Liberanosamalo]

Obviously, your wife has issues with the kind of friends you choose and your judgement of people. She’s not going to wait till the house is burning down before she acts. She sees herself as needing to do a preemptive strike. Because you have way too much history, while not being technically unfaithful, you give the appearance of a dog that will stretch the chain and pull in the direction of the open road. Body language says one thing, no matter how much your mouth may be saying you’re happily married. What you say to us indicates you’re not. You are annoyed at your jealous wife who doesn’t trust you and let you talk to younger extremely attractive women online and leave you in peace to do so.

Oh, and there are women who will be very kind and patient and listen to your problems and promise to pray for you. And they may want you too. Not all serpents appear ugly and scary. Just a word to the wise.

Why do you need to be friends with every kid from grade school, high school, and all the girls from college? And what is going on in their marriages that they are all looking you up and chatting? You’re all right on time. About 15 years after college, reality is looking kind of ho-hum and as if on cue, especially with facebook, everyone starts looking to see what old flames are up to. It’s not all innocent. Some women are looking to see if a spark is still there, and you’re complaining because your wife is standing with a bucket of water ready to put it out.

Methinks your wife isn’t dumb. You protest a little too much about how faithful you are and how wonderful she is. Her jealousy is a symptom of a bigger problem: You say one thing with your mouth, but your eyes and your body and what you do with your time say a whole lot different. Your wounded wife has learned the hard way: Your actions speak so loudly she can’t hear a word you’re saying.

Her opinion of your friends should matter to you. Often wives can see things that a guy can’t see as to which friends are helping and which aren’t good for them. Maybe your wife has some suggestions for who you might want to become friends with. I’d ask her and listen very carefully to the list SHE gives you and her reasons why.

Drop the friends. Join a church group. Listen to your wife. You seem to drift to some dubious people. And I don’t want to start a storm here, but if they are the artsy crowd, some of them are… well, different. With different values. I know. I live in a city with a LARGE population of them. Just thinking there’s too much smoke here and too much justification for a guy with a very busy emotional social life. Dial it back. Do you have a daughter? Would you want her married to someone who did this kind of thing? If you don’t want that for her, don’t be it now. Because she’ll see you as an example and find a guy like you someday.

 

[ac_claire]

My biggest concern, though, is that the anger over the friendships is a symptom and not the actual problem. In other words, if I quit talking to each and every person she feels uncomfortable about, we’ll still be left with the mistrust and jealousy. Who will I have to turn my back on then?

I don’t know. Good question. But why not try it and see? For your wife’s sake. Put your money where your mouth is, when you say she’s the most important person in your life and you care about her feelings, etc. Prove it by doing this one thing for her.

Instead of heading down a path that would get us back to that state, I’d rather work on improving the situation and having her be happy about the fact that she has a faithful, loving husband and not punish us both over any insecurities or treatment someone else inflicted upon her in the past. I honestly believe that each time I agree to quit talking to someone, it adds fuel to the fire, giving her a reason to think that her suspicions were grounded. Giving into that doesn’t seem to help either of us.

TRY IT, Gordon! Please, for Heaven’s sake stop over-complicating this issue! Limit or eliminate these communications and see what happens. Tell your wife clearly and sincerely that you’re taking a FB hiatus because you’ve seen how it bothers her and you don’t want her to have to feel that way, period. If it in fact makes things worse, then go ahead and rekindle these unnecessary relationships even though it bothers your wife, if you feel you must. At least then you can say that you tried, you know?

I also think (again, blunt = love! ) that you’re being a bit of a hypocrite here. I came across this post, by you, on another thread:

I think Facebook is great, particulalry for how it’s allowed me to get in contact with friends I’ve not seen or spoken to in 15-20 years. While my experiences have been almost entirely positive, my wife has been contacted by a couple old friends on there who have made it very clear that their intentions were anything but honorable, and/or that they had a bit more than friendship in mind. While I’m not particularly bothered by her getting those initial messages (it disgusts me that they would send the messages when they her profile makes it clear she’s married, but I know she would never act on them), I wouldn’t appreciate her keeping in contact with them. I will admit that I insisted upon her “un-friending” one of the guys, but that’s after he continued to send lewd and suggestive messages after my wife firmly insisted that he quit.

Now…I think I can already hear what you’re going to say. But this other situation with your wife’s old flame was totally different! It was inappropriate, she didn’t pursue or want it! etc., etc. But the fact is, for whatever reason, your continued and prolonged associations with female friends is bothering your wife as much as the above situation bothered you.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Gordon, I see a disturbing double standard here.

You made her unfriend someone who made suggestions to her.

Yet you resent her doing the same with you.

Here’s a cluebat. Let me hit you over the head with it.

Men lack subtlety a lot of times. One man texting saying “I want you. Let’s rent a room” is understandable to everyone. Even a man.

Women understand each other a little better.

A woman writing you as a blast from the past sharing stories about your hard life and your hard times and giving you tea and sympathy online and promising prayers can be every bit as much a proposition. Women know that. We’re not always as obvious as asking guys for a quickie. Some women even deny what they are doing and then say “I don’t know what happened. We didn’t plan this. We just fell in loooooovvvve. BOOOHHHOOOOO!”

Yeah, right.

Trust your wife’s instincts. And understand that you were able to trust she wouldn’t act on those propositions. Apparently, she doesn’t feel you are as trustworthy. Why not is your issue. And you have given us lots of little pieces to a puzzle. Not looking good, Gordon. Not good at all.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

I’m not sure how it’s come across that I seek relationships with other women on a constant basis, but that’s not the case. A handful of the (non-family) people I’ve contacted are ones that I looked up without having been in contact with them otherwise and blindly sent friend requests to. A few contacted me and others are due to my involvement with organizing a class reunion. Of the women I have as friends on Facebook (I think that encompasses all the ones I communicate with regularly), well over half are family, old friends who are as close as family or spouses of old friends and family. Of the rest, over half of those are ones who I’ve never communicated with, don’t know or don’t remember (the main reason I leave them on is because that friend count is a big deal to my son, and I’m in the lead, haha). That leaves about 10 with whom I’m ever actually in contact. Nine of the ten are old friends from school, seven of those are married and one is gay (only notable because it’s pretty clear that there’s no fathomable way anything at all could ever develop between us). That leaves a grand total of one new friend I actively sought out, and she’s the one my wife doesn’t mind me communicating with. (I’m not trying to be defensive, just setting the record straight.)

As far as how I hold myself, if I’m doing something wrong I have no clue what it is. I think all but 3-4 of the women who’ve made passes at me were strangers, (I’m no longer in contact with any of the ones who weren’t strangers). I didn’t approach them, didn’t make eye contact, didn’t do anything that I would interpret as out of the ordinary or the actions of someone looking to hook up with someone. Then again, I haven’t been in a singles bar in years so maybe sandals, sweats, a ball cap and two crying babies is the new look.

Back when my friends & I would go to strip clubs that was seen as typical, accepted behavior. I know saying “everyone did it” is no excuse, but that had been a pretty regular activity among not just my friends but a lot of my family for years. Maybe it has something to do with my artistic outlook, but the whole “arousing” aspect of it was lost on me by the time I was 20 or so. Whereas my friends would go there looking to spend a ton of money, be flattered and fawned over by naked or near-naked women and kid themselves into thinking they had a shot at taking one home, I’d spend most of my time there talking with my friends and chatting with the girls who sat down with us about the weather, politics, what classes they were taking, etc. (my one friend was always irritated this and tell me I needed to keep my eyes below their necklines). I won’t deny spending the occasional dollar, but even after we were married I never viewed my presence in those places as sinful simply because I think you need to have some sort of sinful or lascivious intention in order for it to be wrong. In other words, the viewing of an unclothed body isn’t an inherently evil or sexual act (otherwise, I’d never set foot in a museum)–it’s the viewer’s intentions that makes it a sin. All that being said, I no longer saw a point to going there for a wide variety of reasons.

Regarding my outlook on reality at this stage in my life, I couldn’t be more thrilled. I have three great kids and my wife & I are closer than ever. I’m closer to God than I’ve been since I was a child and I look on every day as a blessing. I have no desire to look up old flames or to rekindle any lost romances. My old flames were all improbably horrid individuals and are better left in the past (however, I do believe that those awful experiences were all designed to prepare me for being the best husband I can be to my wife).

A friend of mine used to like to quote the lyrics, “Make new friends but keep the old; one is silver, the other gold.” That’s always been my outlook, and I’ve always valued my true friends. Although they all have their flaws, I believe that the choices I’ve made with my friends over the years has been pretty positive overall. If nothing else, I’ve benefited in some way from each of my true friendships. My wife’s experiences have not been as positive as mine (lots of betrayal, including a couple of instances that I wouldn’t believe had I not witnessed them), so I can sympathize with her trepidation. However, I also see how difficult and stressful it is on her being so unable to trust in others (myself included). I want her to be able to trust and rely on others more than she does now. There’s a huge difference in her demeanor after she’s spent the day with friends she trusts (at least somewhat) versus how she acts after spending time with people she doesn’t trust. As it is she’s reluctant to impose upon the friends she has now because of how things turned out in the past. She’s also afraid that I’ll get as upset with her as she does with me if she spends time with them. I’d much rather see her go out, have fun and be happy. I’ve even offered to watch all the kids just so she could have a day out with her friends (talk about sacrifices!).

Keeping in touch with these friends isn’t as important to me as seeing her feeling better about herself and having a positive outlook about the relationships in her life (our, friends, family, etc.). As I said before, I don’t believe that cutting these people out will actually improve the situation and will likely make it worse. I suspect that, with time, things are getting better, but it’s frustrating seeing how little progress we seem to have made after all these years. She tells me that her mistrust isn’t with me, but with other people. I don’t entirely believe this, but I also tell her that if she really trusted me then the intentions & actions of others wouldn’t matter. I hate to sound like I’m looking for a quick fix, but I also don’t want to be 15-20 years into our marriage and still be dealing with the same issues we had when we were newlyweds.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

Gordon, I see a disturbing double standard here.

You made her unfriend someone who made suggestions to her.

Yet you resent her doing the same with you.

The difference, though, is that none of my friends did the same. I’ve had people suggest we get together as couples, invite us for dinner if we’re ever in town and suggest that a group of us old friends have lunch together, but I’ve never been sent suggestive messages or inappropriate gifts.

For anyone unfamiliar with Facebook, they have applications that allow you to send gifts to people (smiles, hugs, drinks, all sorts of silly things). One of the gift applications this friend of hers signed up for was boobs. Among other things, he sent her one of these and included a message telling her how nice hers were back in high school and asking for a picture of how they look now. This wasn’t a private message and could be seen by anyone who viewed his or her Facebook page, including his wife, his teenage daughters and our son. She was online when he sent it so she deleted it from her page right after she showed me, but that doesn’t make it any less inappropriate. The other gifts were even more suggestive, while the private messages were truly unmentionable. Aside from how wrong it was for him to be sending those messages, my wife uses the family PC, so if the kids logged in or walked by they could easily see what he was sending. I didn’t want this idiot harassing her, and I didn’t want the kids to see what he was sending.

I truly don’t see it as a double standard. If any of my friends had sent me similar messages I’d have dropped them in a heartbeat. I understand the notion that men & women have their differences, but an old, happily married family friend telling me they’re glad to hear from me isn’t in the same ballpark as (or even remotely comparable to) someone telling my wife they want to “hook up” with her (that’s one of the few phrases he used that can be repeated). On the contrary, the raciest conversations my friends and I have are about the things our kids do, book & movie recommendations, and to exchange recipes. As far as the thoughts & prayers, we’d just lost our baby. Even my wife didn’t think those messages were out of line.

 

[nodito]

Keeping in touch with these friends isn’t as important to me as seeing her feeling better about herself and having a positive outlook about the relationships in her life (our, friends, family, etc.). As I said before, I don’t believe that cutting these people out will actually improve the situation and will likely make it worse.

Hi Gordon, here’s the thing. You worry that cutting these friends out will make things worse, but I don’t think that has to be the case at all. I think there’s a way to recognize that these contacts hurt your wife without making it seem as if you feel guilty or that there’s reason for her to distrust you. It’s actually pretty straightforward:

“Sweetie, I love you and I want you to feel that you can trust me. I have absolutely nothing to hide from you on facebook, and I feel that these friends are harmless. In fact, I sometimes feel as if you’re being unreasonable when you act jealous or distrustful of me for having professional relationships with other women or occasionally talking to old friends. It bothers me a lot, actually. However, given that this upsets you so much, I’ve decided to cancel my facebook account, create a shared e-mail account with you and/or CC you on all my outgoing e-mails to single women.”

Then follow through. You don’t need to do internet gift shopping. (The real gift will be your sacrificing some privacy for your wife’s self esteem). You don’t need to use facebook, no matter how convenient it is. There are plenty of people who only see old college friends at reunions or when they run into them at the mall. You don’t need to be friends with single women. You just don’t. You don’t have to make a big deal about dropping facebook or writing to these people explaining why you won’t be contacting them. Just post a message on your wall about FB taking up too much family time, deciding to cut back, and leave it at that. If you get an e-mail from one of these friends, wait three or four weeks before writing back, and when you do, CC or BCC your wife.

If you’ve tried these kinds of things before, I can see how you might feel that they would only make things worse. But then, you started contacting friends again, so they couldn’t have been permanent measures. What I’m suggesting is that you permanently stop using facebook, myspace, or e-mailing single women friends without BCCing your wife. Forever. If you value complete honesty and transparency, then these things should be doable for you.

God bless.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

The problem we ran into before, though, was that she wanted me to cut ties with Friend A, so I did. That showed her that there was a valid reason to be suspicious so now she didn’t want me to talk to Friend B. I cut ties with them as well. After Friends C, D & E, she decided that she didn’t want me talking to one of my cousins. Eventually it was my brother, then my sister, and finally my parents. Over the course of six months it had gotten to the point where, to try to resolve the situation, I was no longer talking to my friends or family, with the exception of my parents who I’d stop and see on my way to & from work once a week. The only social life open to us was to visit her parents who were causing additional problems on their own. We missed out on several family birthdays, a slew of holidays and cookouts and a couple anniversaries. I put up with this experiment until she said she didn’t want us to see my family for my birthday and instead wanted to spend it with her parents and extended family, none of whom liked me. I finally told her that wasn’t acceptable anymore, and it’s certainly not an acceptable situation for us to return to.

In our current state, she has a handful of friends that she spends time with. None of the scenarios she’s presented involves her abandoning her friends. Based on what she’s suggested and past experiences, were I to give into her wishes I’d once again be expected to cut ties with each of my friends, while she could continue to stay in contact with hers. I don’t see how that’s fair or realistic. I did cut ties with the one she was most upset over, but at what point is it too much? I’m guessing it’s somewhere between one more friend and my entire family.

As I’ve already stated, I’d rather fix the underlying issues. Isolating myself isn’t going to do anything more than make me miserable. It’s also going to have a negative impact on the kids when they’re kept from seeing their aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents (which I really think is inevitable if we head down that path again).

 

[GraceDK]

Another thing that sparks her jealousy is any time I talk with or make friends with other women. She’s much more introverted than me & doesn’t believe a spouse should have friends of the opposite sex. I personally don’t share that view and believe that someone who is fully devoted to their spouse can have friends of the opposite sex without issue.

I’ll admit I’ve misjudged people in the past, but that hasn’t impacted my devotion to my wife. On several occasions I’ve had friends & acquaintances make passes at me. In each of these situations I told my wife immediately afterwards. Each time it resulted in her being more upset with me than the person who made advances on me. To this day I can’t understand her reaction because I was completely honest and transparent with her about it & never initiated or reciprocated any of it.

.

I wonder why it is that you repeatedly get into situations where a woman can make a pass at you… you place your self in that occasion, circumstance and in such confidentiality that a woman thinks you’d be interested… Thats disturbing.

I dont think of my self as a more jealous person than other people. Actually I have had boyfriends that were jealous when other men looked at me. I took that as a compliment, but since I loved my boyfriend I tried everything in my power to not let him feel hurt/jealous.

I am a very social person, but I totally agree with your wife.
If I one day get married I am not gonna get married to a man who has severel close women friends. Especially if there has been romantic feelings involved from either side. I cant grasp why anyone would hurt their beloved by maintaining contact with such other “friends”.
Also I will expect that whatever friends me and my husband have, they will meet us TOGETHER, or at least hardly ever alone and if so then in the public space.
My sister who is married told me she would feel ackward meeting a guy friend without her husband. I totally understand her.
Actually where I come from thats an unwritten rule… I would say its rooted in the commandment of Christ to love.
I can imagine you put your wife through endless and unessesary pain by acting like this.

Would you like it if you wife was the very extroverted one of you, and severel handsome men on occasion came on to her, and she wanted to continue spending time with them?
Come on now, you are not a teenager…

 

[dulcissima]

So, your wife had a baby shortly before you met her and you rather quickly stepped into a father role? How much time did you and your wife get to spend alone as a couple where you courted her? Do you think like she felt like she had a lot of options at that point or do you think she felt like she had an obligation to get married for the sake of her son?

I think it would be good to talk over that time, how she felt on her own, what life was like for her then, why she chose you. I just have this feeling that perhaps she is projecting a lot of her own feelings onto you. Perhaps she has a need to be courted, to be wanted in her own right and not just as a mother. Perhaps she also has a need to make a conscious decision that a life with you is the choice that she would make all over again.

It sounds like a very complicated situation, and on a side note I will say that perhaps I have lived a very sheltered life, but I never knew that men ever had a problem with women randomly coming onto them, especially where it isn’t just a one time oddity.

 

[flyingfish]

The problem we ran into before, though, was that she wanted me to cut ties with Friend A, so I did. That showed her that there was a valid reason to be suspicious so now she didn’t want me to talk to Friend B. I cut ties with them as well. **After Friends C, D & E, she decided that she didn’t want me talking to one of my cousins. Eventually it was my brother, then my sister, and finally my parents. **Over the course of six months it had gotten to the point where, to try to resolve the situation, I was no longer talking to my friends or family, with the exception of my parents who I’d stop and see on my way to & from work once a week. The only social life open to us was to visit her parents who were causing additional problems on their own. We missed out on several family birthdays, a slew of holidays and cookouts and a couple anniversaries. I put up with this experiment until she said she didn’t want us to see my family for my birthday and instead wanted to spend it with her parents and extended family, none of whom liked me. I finally told her that wasn’t acceptable anymore, and it’s certainly not an acceptable situation for us to return to.

In our current state, she has a handful of friends that she spends time with. None of the scenarios she’s presented involves her abandoning her friends. Based on what she’s suggested and past experiences, were I to give into her wishes I’d once again be expected to cut ties with each of my friends, while she could continue to stay in contact with hers. I don’t see how that’s fair or realistic. I did cut ties with the one she was most upset over, but at what point is it too much? I’m guessing it’s somewhere between one more friend and my entire family.

As I’ve already stated, I’d rather fix the underlying issues. Isolating myself isn’t going to do anything more than make me miserable. It’s also going to have a negative impact on the kids when they’re kept from seeing their aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents (which I really think is inevitable if we head down that path again).

The way you described it before was that your wife was only upset about your many female friends.

If she wanted you to stop talking to your cousin, brother, and parents, clearly this is not something you can fix. Is she open to seeing a therapist? She clearly has some serious issues if she tried to get you to cut ties with family.

If she were the man, and you the woman I imagine many of us would be talking about controlling and abusive husbands now.

 

[Lifeisamazing]

The way you described it before was that your wife was only upset about your many female friends.

If she wanted you to stop talking to your cousin, brother, and parents, clearly this is not something you can fix. Is she open to seeing a therapist? She clearly has some serious issues if she tried to get you to cut ties with family.

If she were the man, and you the woman I imagine many of us would be talking about controlling and abusive husbands now.

Whoa- wait a minute. Your sister, brother, etc? I kind of understand about how a spouse can ask you to stop hanging out with friends that are causing trouble, but I doubt your whole family would fall into that category.

What you are describing there is a totally different issue. Attempting to isolate you from healthy family relationships is not ok.

Would she be willing to go in with you on some marriage counseling or a workshop? Even healthy couples sign up for workshops to learn and grow in better communication together. I would approach it that way- “Honey, I saw an interesting marriage workshop flyer. It is about growing together and communicating better. I would love to deepen our relationship. Would you like to go with me?” I have heard some of the workshops on CD and they are humorous and the group gets to laugh at the silly things that happen in marriage and hold hands and meet other couples looking for positive growth. Gee, I hope that you can do some positive growing together and reconnect with your family.

 

[ac_claire]

Gordon, it’s clear that you see absolutely no problem with your behavior, you don’t care that you’re hurting your wife, and you don’t intend to change at all.

Your only response to these pages of advice you’ve been given is just one excuse after another. It’s excrutiating to read.

I’m sorry none of us can help you, but I hope one day things get better in your marriage.

 

[dulcissima]

If she were the man, and you the woman I imagine many of us would be talking about controlling and abusive husbands now.

I was initially thinking about this, that is why I asked how she treated him. He never did say that she called him names, went on and on about what a loser he is, cut him off from sex for months at a time, or any of the other things that women who tend towards abuse do.

She does sound controlling. Not wanting him to see friends and family or get outside opinions is a symptom of a controlling personality and a red flag to be concerned about.

However, the OP seems to have a high self-esteem and a good grasp on who he is as a man, so it would seem that he is not suffering the ill effects of abuse. He, like many husbands, is subject to being controlled to some degree by his wife’s emotions. As long as it is not too out of hand, that’s part of the job description. It sounds like he has no problem thinking things through and putting up boundaries from time to time.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Gordon, I’m with AC Claire on the excuses. A bunch of women here are telling you we’d not like this from our husbands and why and you continue to justify, at once claiming it’s not often, but then in another post making it seem like you have a cascade of friends emailing and sending wishes. It’s hard to sort it out.

I do agree that your wife insisting you cut off contact with your family is completely out of bounds. Wow. Unless they are feeding pot to your kids, having orgies there in the living room or practicing Wicca and trying to recruit your kids, she has no valid reason to try to drive your family out of your life.

And her family doesn’t like you.

Hmmmm.

Did your family have negative opinions of her when you married because of her baby? Is there still ill will over that time?

Or is your wife just paranoid.

Because then we’re teetering over into controlling behavior. And red flashing lights of another kind. And it makes me wonder how much of a “victim” she is in all of her failed friendships. Because there is a certain kind of person who can’t seem to keep friends and all the friendships end badly and they always claim to be the victim when people turn on them.

We aren’t hearing her side, so I don’t know what to think.

You both need joint counseling to get an expert to sort this out. Because this controlling behavior, making you be the disciplinarian, punishing you for what she is sure you might do in the absence of any history, insisting you cut off contact with your family and who knows what else is kind of what I put up with from a man. And I’d say that if you were a woman with a husband I’d be wondering if you were abused.

Don’t drag her to a counselor to “fix her and enlist the counselor to help her see your point.” Go so the both of you can get to the root of why there is so little trust and why she wants to control you and your access to your own family.

 

[whatevergirl]

The way you described it before was that your wife was only upset about your many female friends.

If she wanted you to stop talking to your cousin, brother, and parents, clearly this is not something you can fix. Is she open to seeing a therapist? She clearly has some serious issues if she tried to get you to cut ties with family.

If she were the man, and you the woman I imagine many of us would be talking about controlling and abusive husbands now.

*I agree. I think as the thread unfolds, we’re seeing more to the story here than just a wife who wants her husband to end female relationships. While it’s not abnormal for a wife or husband to wish a spouse to limit their time spent with friends of the opposite sex, it seems that Gordon, your wife has a control issue. And when I was in an abusive relationship prior to meeting my dh…the guy wanted me to cut off friends, and contact with my family. It was weird, to say the least. The sad thing was, I did it, for a short time…until I realized that the guy had serious problems with his own family. Which leads to my question…how is your wife’s relationship with her own dad? Her family, in general? Does she have no friends of her own? These things can lend themselves to how a person behaves in a romantic relationship. I think that while your behavior could use some changing regarding online ‘relationships’ with women…your wife needs some professional help to get to the heart of why she wants to isolate you. Yes, it’s called isolation. She wants to be the center of your world…which as spouses, of course our spouses are the number one thing in our lives, well, second–God comes first. But, it sounds like she wants it in somewhat of an immature way. So…get counseling…and if she says no…keep insisting. You both need an objective person to hear you both out…I hope it gets better. In the meantime, keep praying…and limit the time you chat with women. I have you and your wife in my prayers!! *

 

[AlmostDrS]

I think she sounds controlling.

I have a number of guy friends with whom my husband is not friends. I deal with them in school situations, and we often socialize on a limited basis outside of class.

I’m sorry, but if he ever raised concern about me having friends of the opposite sex, I would be livid. I don’t question his friendships. We don’t know all of each other’s friends, and that is completely okay with both of us. We trust each other 100%, and I feel no pressing need to know every single person with whom he makes contact.

We’re adults. Adults should be able to make choices about with whom we associate. Unless you have friends who are clearly bad apples, I don’t think there should be any discussion as to whom you associate.

I disagree with most of them women in this thread. I don’t think you have any obligation to terminate friendships because your wife takes issue with them. Instead, I think it is best to sit with your priest or a counselor for a few sessions and work through the issues.

We all work with people of the opposite sex. We form friendships with those people, and sometimes we confide in them. As long as the friendships aren’t replacing the marital bond then I don’t see a problem with that. If her jealousy is interfering with work friendships and casual friendships [ex. sending a condolence note] then she needs professional counseling.

Like I said, unless you are surrounding yourself with bad people or you are acting inappropriately, she is overreacting. I would be just as frustrated as you are. You’re supposed to trust your spouse, and it seems she is just trying to control you. That’s a huge red flag for me.

 

[kage_ar]

Your wife is a SAHM? Maybe she needs something that is just hers, to have an identity beyond “mom and wife” in order to feel more in control of something.

Encourage her to take some classes at the college, to join a club, volunteer or to get a part time job. Perhaps if she steps outside of her walls she will begin to feel more secure.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

One thing I don’t do is put myself into situations that leave me open to passes by other women. I have to shop, I have to go to the store, I have to attend certain family functions. These are the kinds of places where these things have happened. When we were first married it would also happen at the gym, but that stopped once I quit wearing my wedding ring to the gym (the fact that leaving my ring at home seemed to put an end to it always bothered me).

We knew each other for five years and dated for 3 before our wedding. I hadn’t seen her for a while, ran into her by chance and knew I wasn’t going to let her go. She had all but given up on men at that point and took a lot of that out on me. I knew we were meant to be together so I didn’t give up on her. She realized that all along and finally got to the point where she couldn’t deny it any further, come up with new ways to push me away or reasons why we shouldn’t be together. Her home life was awful, but she had resigned herself to it. I’ve spent nearly every day since then working to make her as happy as I can.

Some of her family’s issues with me seem to stem from our son, some from cultural differences, some from family issues that existed long before I ever knew her and others simply make no sense at all. I think if I were an overbearing, abusive jerk I would actually be treated better than I am now (not that they behave that way, but because I wouldn’t be concerned enough with her feelings to not cut ties with them or insult them to the point where we’re not welcomed back).

My wife’s current issues are directed at a select number of my female friends. She states that she doesn’t trust others and that she’s afraid they will pull me away from her. We’ve been through this before, though, and as I gave in the number of suspicious and untrustworthy people grew. Cutting ties with the first one showed her she was onto something and that the others must be as bad. Since my sibs didn’t disapprove of something or other, they were just as bad as the friends. I don’t want to start slashing and burning relationships now because of the previous slippery slope. I recognize how upset she gets now, but I also saw how miserable we both were before and I don’t believe that going back to that state would make things better. I’m extremely resistant to the thought of cutting ties with people, not just because of how that affects me, but because it sends a message that she had a reason to doubt me. I want positive solutions, not negative ones.

My wife stayed at home for several years after our first daughter was born but is now working again. I do my best to encourage her to get out as often as she can. I see the positive effects from that and want her to be happier. I’d like for us to do things as couples with some of her friends but I seem to be the lone voice calling for that. Either way, I can see that it’s much healthier for her to have a more active social life and I’m more than willing to give up some of my time with her if it means that the time we do spend together is that much happier and more rewarding.

I talk to my wife regularly about these problems and she agrees that these are things we need to work through. She says she wants to see things get better and that she’ll work with me on them. I’ve spent hours telling and showing her how special she is to me and it seems to make a difference, but she’s still not willing to take that leap of faith and put aside her doubts and jealousies. I don’t want her changing drastically or becoming a different person, but I do want her to have more self-confidence and peace of mind. I’m willing to take any positive steps that will help us achieve that. As awful as some of her friends treated her in the past, she’s not willing to cut them out of her life and I would never pressure her to do that (the sleazy guy on Facebook falls into a different category). She agrees that it would be wrong of me to do so and can see my reasoning in not wanting to cut ties with people who have never done either of us any wrong. I think it’s mainly just a matter of finding the right positive methods to get her feeling better about herself and our relationship.

 

[ac_claire]

I know I said I was done, but I just wanted to suggest one more thing. I’ve never begged anyone to do anything on CAF in all the years I’ve been here, but I am litereally begging you to consider my advice below.

My wife’s current issues are directed at a select number of my female friends. She states that she doesn’t trust others and that she’s afraid they will pull me away from her. We’ve been through this before, though, and as I gave in the number of suspicious and untrustworthy people grew. Cutting ties with the first one showed her she was onto something and that the others must be as bad. Since my sibs didn’t disapprove of something or other, they were just as bad as the friends. I don’t want to start slashing and burning relationships now because of the previous slippery slope. I recognize how upset she gets now, but I also saw how miserable we both were before and I don’t believe that going back to that state would make things better. I’m extremely resistant to the thought of cutting ties with people, not just because of how that affects me, but because it sends a message that she had a reason to doubt me. I want positive solutions, not negative ones.

First of all…positive solution? What would be a positive solution? According to you the only positive solution to your problem is if your wife changes and she’s not going to. Plus, we’re working on you and what you can do right now…not what she can do.

Tell you wife, make it perfectly clear to her, that if she wants you to you will limit or cut ties with these friends for her sake, because you know it bothers her. Present her with this as a question. See what she says. If she says “ok, go for it and thank you” then do it. If she says, “oh NOW I have proof that you’re a selfish flirt, just as I suspected!” then your fears were valid and you can start looking into plans B, C, etc.

I think it’s mainly just a matter of finding the right positive methods to get her feeling better about herself and our relationship.

Then do what I (and many others here!) suggested. You did come here looking for advice, after all. Stop disrepecting us by asking for advice and then excusing and justifying yourself out of every single suggestion we give you. Please, just try it. You have nothing to lose and a lot to gain.

God bless!

 

[SMHW]

Your wife knew you were the person you are when she married you, and I will bet you a dollar that she thought you would change after you married her. To her shock, you are stillthe same person

Gordon,

Assuming you are giving us a valid picture of what’s going on, I have to agree with kage_ar here and disagree with most of the other women.

My take on all this is that your wife was rather insecure and intimidated by other people when she married you. She was probably attracted to your openness and friendliness because it was something she wanted that was lacking in herself. But once she was married to you, that quality in you became a threat because marrying you did not change her personality.
This is very common, unfortunately, when people marry to fix a part of themselves that is broken.
As to what you can do about it… You do have to be sensitive to your wife’s feelings. Married people do have to place some limits on outside relationships. It seems to me that your wife needs to cultivate some healthy relationships herself. Perhaps you know some couples with whom both you and your wife could cultivate friendships.