Jezebel's in town

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Ailina

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My ex, the father of my children, broke our marriage because he wanted an open one, and was in fact involved (which came as a shock when I found out) with a couple that lived across the country from us. He was away on “business” when he met this couple.
Our marriage ended because I would not consent to an open marriage. This was in late August 2006.

Lots of horrible things happened afterward for a couple of years, including a visit to my home from the husband of the other woman, shortly before he committed suicide. Fortunately, we were not home when he came. He did phone me about that time and mentioned his wife suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder. My ex has narcissistic traits, according to the church-appointed psychiatrist who evaluated my petition for nullity (which I received last December).

Fast forward another two years to last night. My sons, who were visiting their dad (because it doesn’t matter what has happened in No-Fault Divorce Land; all kids get to see their parents, no matter how badly they behave), met this woman at his place last night. The ex told my boys that this woman and her son were staying with him until her condo became available. He lied to them and said the condo owner had asked him to let her stay with him because they had nowhere else to go.

When I heard the name of the son, I knew it was her. I told my kids that I didn’t believe their dad’s story, and that this woman was probably his girl friend. My kids do not know what happened between their father and I, and don’t know the history with this woman.

Anyway, they flew to his defense and my eldest son got angry when | said this. I haven’t said anything since and don’t know what to do about this. I really don’t want her around my kids at all, and think the ex is a huge bone head for bringing her here now, just as the school year is about to start.

Do I stay mum or do I gently tell them that this woman is partially responsible for the end of our marriage, because she sent an taunting and gloating email to me a few years ago? Should I maybe sit down with a counselor with them first and break it to them that their dad was caught in adultery with her, without telling any more details?

I’m stunned that she is here, in our city, living in our neighbourhood. She is bad news all around, due to her unstable personality. She has power over my ex, due to all the digital porn photos she has taken of them both.
 
It is very normal for a kid to fly to their parents defensive no matter what. How many stories do we hear about the teacher asking about the bruise on the kids face and the kid saying ‘I deserve it’

By the sounds of it, your kids are very young. (see they still fly to the defense so quickly). Even if deep down, they know something is wrong, they NEED to live in the fantasy world that daddy will take care of me because they are too young to take care of themselves.

If you tell them the truth now, they could possibly see YOU as the person who split up the family by bad mouthing their daddy. Kids are too young to understand exactly why cheating is wrong. And once they are old enough to understand what it means, they will never believe somone wanted their daddy while daddy was still married. All kids believe their parents are not in the category that can flirt.

I would bite my tongue as hard as it is. When they are adults, if ever they ask then you can tell them the truth. At least then they will see you as a good mom, for allowing them access to daddy no matter how it hurt you.

It also sounds like you are in a lot of pain. I would be too if I was in your situation. But I have to wonder your motives for telling your sons. Are you scared they will leave you too and you need to ensure their love? Are you just hurt because now this woman is living with your ex and want revenge? I don’t see any healthy motive in telling your sons

If it is any consolation, there is a strong chance that when they visit Dad, they fly to your defense but are too embarrased to tell you

CM
 
Don’t give your children adult problems to deal with…

Just write down these things for future reference (just in case) and don’t worry about what ex says to cover his sins up…when those kids are adults, they’ll figure it all out on their own.

I wouldn’t discuss anything with them that may put them in a position to defend Dad. They love him regardless right now …

Good luck.
 
I think I would consult with a counselor, and my parish priest to give advice in how to proceed further. Especially if this woman is going to become more of a permanent fixture in your area.
 
The kids are 16, 14 and 10. It’s the older one who reacted with anger. My 14 yr old daughter hasn’t met her yet, because she was with me last night. My youngest takes what his dad says at face value. I wish he wouldn’t lie to the kids, but I guess this is yet another thing I have to let go.

I will bite my tongue on this one, but I was so shocked to hear she was here in my neighbourhood last night that I spoke without thinking it through. I never dreamed she would actually move out here.
 
Hard as it is, NEVER say anything bad about their father to them. He IS their father,and
makes up half of who they are. You start in with this, and they will think there is something wrong with them. All it will do is just make you look bad and cause the kids to stick up for, and try to protect him all the more. You will be the one that ends up driving them further to him with that kind of stuff. They will see who he really is as they get older.

Why in the world do you want to drag your children into this sorded buiness?

Why do you see her as a threat? She is with a loser (you got an anulment, so the Church must have thought so too), she is possibly blackmailing him, and has porn of herself, plus she has mental problems. This is what is threatening to you? Seriously? Come on girl, believe me, there is nothing there you should envey!! You have more class in your little finger, than both of them have put together. So she taunted you with a note, so what? You are getting down to their level. THINK, is that really where you want to be?
Get back up out of where they are dragging you down to, and don’t play that game. They have each other (wow what a prize that is), and you have everything else.

Get on with your life, and quit looking back at the past. Like I used to tell my kids at swim lessons, you hafta let go of this side of the pool to get to the other side.
You can do it, you just got a little side tracked here.
 
tuscany said:
Hard as it is, NEVER say anything bad about their father to them. He IS their father,and
makes up half of who they are. You start in with this, and they will think there is something wrong with them. All it will do is just make you look bad and cause the kids to stick up for, and try to protect him all the more. You will be the one that ends up driving them further to him with that kind of stuff. They will see who he really is as they get older.

Why in the world do you want to drag your children into this sorded buiness?

Why do you see her as a threat? She is with a loser (you got an anulment, so the Church must have thought so too), she is possibly blackmailing him, and has porn of herself, plus she has mental problems. This is what is threatening to you? Seriously? Come on girl, believe me, there is nothing there you should envey!! You have more class in your little finger, than both of them have put together. So she taunted you with a note, so what? You are getting down to their level. THINK, is that really where you want to be?
Get back up out of where they are dragging you down to, and don’t play that game. They have each other (wow what a prize that is), and you have everything else.

Get on with your life, and quit looking back at the past. Like I used to tell my kids at swim lessons, you hafta let go of this side of the pool to get to the other side.
You can do it, you just got a little side tracked here.
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I am not worried about me. I am worried about what my kids might be exposed to, now that she is here. They see their dad quite regularly and there is nothing I can do about that. This woman used to live at least 2000 km away and rarely came out here, if at all. Now she is living at his condo. I hope he doesn’t get careless now that she is here. I found his porn on his computer. Will my kids stumble upon some too?
 
You are in a difficult spot for sure.

I just wanted you to keep strong because you are the only solid person the kids have left.
When you started on about her note, and such, it sounded like you were kind of going down to their level. I’m glad your not, because the kids are the most important thing here.

Could you possibly explain to your husband your concerns about the porn and tell him the computer needs to stay off when the kids are with him? Is he not at all concerned that his children will see him in that graphic way ? Are his mom or dad in the picture? An aunt or an uncle? Could they possibly be there when your kids are there with him?
Would it be possible to call the police dept. and just ask them about the situation with underage children and access to porn in the house?

I will certainly keep you and your situation in my prayers.
 
I would not say anything to the children - but I would consult a counselor - bring up the issue of the porn in the past - see if the other two will sit down with you in counseling and come up with ground rules. We may not like that she will be a part of your children’s life but it is something we cannot control and we need to make it as easy and as safe on the kids as we can.
 
Ailina said:
I am not worried about me. I am worried about what my kids might be exposed to, now that she is here. They see their dad quite regularly and there is nothing I can do about that. This woman used to live at least 2000 km away and rarely came out here, if at all. Now she is living at his condo. I hope he doesn’t get careless now that she is here. I found his porn on his computer. Will my kids stumble upon some too?
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Like I already suggested, talk to a counselor. I disagree with some of the posters that say not to say anything to the children. Given their ages, they will pick up on the stuff that concerns you, even if its subconsciously. They may already be conflicted because the situation at their father’s house is inappropriate and to not at least address that is a disservice to them as a parent. But a counselor can help you through any discussions you need to have with your children. Especially given the age of your oldest, IMO a discussion is going to happen sooner rather than later and he may be rebelling because he’s conflicted because he still loves his dad but is becoming more and more aware that what he thought was normal, is anything but. Especially if there is porn anywhere around your ex’s house, the 16 year old needs to be included in some kind of discussion.
 
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