Job in Different Town

[mml373]

I am a new Catholic who is coming off of a 14+ year military career, being separated due to “government cutbacks”. The past few years of my life have been turbulent, with separations, divorce, and loss of my military career. The military moved me to my present location two years ago and I now consider it home. I have dealt with issues concerning my divorce and believe I am healthy enough to begin pursuing “steady” relationships.

As a lifelong Protestant, not happy with any of the churches I attended here or the faith as I have known it for many years, I was invited to attend the Catholic church over a year ago. After experiencing the truths of Catholicism, the friendliness and interest of parishioners, and a retreat early last year, I was hooked. I completed RCIA and became Catholic late last year. I love our faith!!

Becoming unemployed within a few weeks, I have been seeking job opportunities and may have to take a job out of the state. The friend who invited me to begin attending our parish long ago has become someone who is more than a friend and I believe this person may be the person God chose for me. My friend cannot move, and we are looking at the very real possibility of geographical separation due to my need to work. Still, I have a good feeling that the investment in our friendship will not be placed aside by either of us if we are apart, with occasional meetings until I am able to move back to this area (which I now consider home, regardless of where I may work.)

The best I can do for a year or so is to fly back on weekends, twice a month. Then, can begin working with my (likely) new employer on the plan to move back. If we were married, the company would take major steps to put us together… any possibility of marriage is some time away at this point.

Are there married or “serious” Catholics here who must deal with long-distance separation? What are some secrets to making such relationships–or even marriages–endure? I believe we share the commitment, just want to know how we can strengthen it to help it endure.

I do not believe that there could be any better match for me than this person, and seriously believe our Lord put this person in my life for more than just a brief friendship.

Blessings,

mml373

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

I have dealt with issues concerning my divorce and believe I am healthy enough to begin pursuing “steady” relationships.

Welcome home.

First things first, though. Are you free to marry? Do you have a declaration of nullity from the Church? Without it you shouldn’t be dating because the Church sees you as still married to your (ex)spouse, even if the wider society sees you as single.

If you’re not sure if you’re free to marry or of the standing of your marriage in the Church’s eyes, speak with a priest and lay everything out for him. He’ll steer you in the right direction.

Luna

 

[bstorm]

Hi, mml. Somebody else addressed the issue of being free to marry, so I am not going to dwell on it and assume that you have everything in order. I am currently in a long distance marriage. It is doable, but not ideal. What makes it work? Lots and lots of communication, absolute trust in each other and feeling secure in our relationship. I have no doubts about my husband and his commitment to me. Also, we fly to see each other almost every week, which is really expensive. We often joke that we keep the airlines from bankrupcy . You also have to sacrifice a lot of things in order to keep a relationship like that going. For example, it is difficult to cultivate other friendships, because whenever there is a chance, we travel to be together. Everything else (except God) is secondary to our relationship. You have to be very stubborn and have an equally stubborn partner for it to work. Think very carefully before you undertake something like that - it is truly not for everybody and takes a lot of effort and commitment.

 

[mml373]

Luna Lovecraft and bstorm,

First, thank you both for your replies. Very insightful. Luna, I must confess that you bring up an excellent, fundamental point that was easy for this recent convert to omit. We are each seeking an annulment, but neither has had one granted yet. There has been nothing romantic or serious about the friendship… we’re simply friends who have known each other for more than a year and through observation and dialogue (in settings in the company of others–usually church friends) have built a friendship. We don’t do anything together alone. Just have seen some amazing things in each other and there is potential there assuming annulments are eventually granted.

I married outside of the Catholic church (before becoming Catholic). I wish I knew then what I have learned the past year or so about marriage. It can be amazing if done right, and with someone who is also of strong faith.

Of course we will wait for annulments, which hopefully will be granted, before things become deeply intellectually intimate or serious. No inappropriate physical contact has gone on, unless you consider holding hands during the Our Father or an occasional hug at church inappropriate.

bstorm, appreciate your insight. Trust is key. I don’t really have any concerns about this aspect of the friendship, and it is reassuring to know that some are able to make the sacrifices necessary to place their spouse/significant other in the appropriate place in life… for the benefit of their union and to glorify our Lord.

Definitely interested in trying to maintain the proper relationship, and in taking appropriate time. Appreciate the reminder re: annulments.