Job Ruining Marriage

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My3Stars

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My husband and I have 3 smalle children and are struggling to keep it together right now. I recently finished my Master’s degree and received a substantial promotion at work which increased me from part time hours to full time. About the same time, my husband scheduled was changed at work from day shift to second shift with only Saturdays off together. I work 8-5 m-f and he 2-11 sunday-thursday. My job is now very demanding and stressful plus I am at home at not with 3 small children by myself. When we are together all we do is fight. He has voiced several times he wants me to quick because he thinks my job is too stressful while i think his schedule change is the root of the problem. About a year ago before our third was born he was on the same schedule and we experienced a lot of issues and fighting. We both think its the others’ jobs causing the problem. His job provides wonderful benefits and he’s been there longer so its almost not a option for him to leave. I make more but hace been there for a short time and there are a lot of politics and stress with my job but I have worked hard to get here. I don’t want to lose my marriage but I think he’s selfish for assuming I should quit. My job has always been second to accomdate the children but now that my position is more professional he is not offering any support. I just don’t know what to do. Do I quit so ease the tension? I am not even sure if it will help at this point. :confused:
 
With your new promotion and raise, can you hire someone to help out?
 
Have you sought counseling? Festering money issues lead to whole hosts of other problems that you probably would like to head off early.

Prayers sent your way.
 
I would totally quit. It’s not healthy to have 2 working people and 3 young children. Your husband is able, I would. Work is always there… kids grow up

<3
 
The both of you take it to your priest. They’re good at finding the root of this kind of problem. And money kills marriages if it’s allowed to.
 
Talk this through with your priest or another trusted person before either of you quit.

You need to think through childcare, schedules, finances before making a decision.

How are your children cared for now? Do you take turns or pay for childcare? Is your husband with the kids until he leaves for work?

How often does your husband’s schedule change? Is it possible for him to request a different shift?

What is the cause of the politics at work? Now that you have your degree is it possible for you to get a similar job at another company? Can you change your hours since you are now presumably a mangement, non-exempt employee?

I will say that when my children were young we gave up quite a bit to ensure that one of us could be with them the majority of the time. We also paid for very high-quality childcare when we both ahd to work. It is difficult, but now with older teens I can say that it was all worth it.

Sit down with your husband and talk through options. Not who should change what, but how to best handle your family’s needs. It will take more than one conversation and you’ll need to reassess several times as your children grow and your family situation changes.
 
Going through something similar. Hubby wants me to go back to full time work and we have 5, including an infant. I have a Master’s. This is causing a lot of fights.

I feel for you. Sending hugs and prayers. :hug1:
 
I don’t know the answer since we never had children. However, I don’t agree with one spouse trying to control the career of the other spouse.

So I agree with the suggestions for counseling.

Also, if you guys can find time to at least attend Mass together / read the Bible together that may help you sort things out.
 
It doesn’t matter whose job is “at fault.” The question is, what employment situation for each of you is best for your family as a whole? And that’s a question that the two of you have to answer together.

Maybe you both need new jobs. Maybe you need to take turns staying home. Maybe you need to find some solution other than (or in addition to) changing jobs (e.g., finding a new daycare solution, hiring someone to help out, etc.).

But getting into fights over whose fault it is will not help resolve the situation.
 
Thank you for the responses. I don’t realy feel like its a logical option for my husband to quit his job right now for another as I am not sure a new job would be comparable to what he makes now. We had more time together when I was only working part time but my job has become full time and as hard as I’ve looked there a very few part-time jobs in our area. I feel stuck a hard place as not working would mean barely making ends meet and I working part time got me out of the house while the children attended preschool in the morning. In this economy to walk away from a job is a scary proposition but often I feel overwhelmed with everything.
 
My3Stars said:
Thank you for the responses. I don’t realy feel like its a logical option for my husband to quit his job right now for another as I am not sure a new job would be comparable to what he makes now. We had more time together when I was only working part time but my job has become full time and as hard as I’ve looked there a very few part-time jobs in our area. I feel stuck a hard place as not working would mean barely making ends meet and I working part time got me out of the house while the children attended preschool in the morning. In this economy to walk away from a job is a scary proposition but often I feel overwhelmed with everything.
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It is doable, but it takes a lot of discussion and compromise. AsGodfollower said, you need to figure out what is good for your entire family, both now and looking forward. The balance will likely change over the years - older kids require their parents’ time in different ways than preschoolers!

Talk to friends - especially if you know any slightly older couples who have already been through this stage. Talk to your priest, check with your children’s preschool about aftercare. In short, figure out all your options. You are right that quitting a good job in this economy isn’t an easy choice - especially not if you also have loans from your master’s degree!

You may also find that after you’ve been working at this job for a bit, you’ll be able to figure out a flexible schedule. When do your children go back to school? If regular preschool starts back in a couple of weeks, that will give you a bit of breathing room since your husband won’t be home alone with them so long (which may be an issue probably just because he is not used to it).

I’ll be praying for you. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk through this more.
 
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