'John's' Mountain Chalet

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Alright ladies, so if you all recall, I had pretty much written off ‘Joe’ as a prospect, even though he’s more physically attractive, and an on and off again practising Catholic. So, ‘John’ was clued in to my skiing habits, and he ‘ran in’ to me at the lodge at the nearby ski resort. I had my two girls with me who are 9 and 11. So, we all were able to ski together and then of course he wanted to show us his chalet.

As you may recall, John is a pharmacist, very respectable, somewhat overweight, not practising Catholic, and very financially secure. Now, I was very impressed by his chalet, it’s very nice, and my girls were pleased. I really like the way he interacted with them. My feeling is that he would be indulgent towards them, which would probably be a positive thing for these fatherless children whose own father died when they were 3 and 1.

On talking to John I found him mild mannered, very interested in telling me about his chalet and how he decorated it, inoffensive, and slightly dull. He is middle of the road politically, and it really sounds like he needs a wife to do stuff with. He loves skiing, and was definately impressed by my fast skiing. As far as physical attractiveness, I think that I would be attracted enough to him to fullfill that aspect of married life.

The positives of him would be that I believe being married to him would make our lives very secure with lots of luxerious perks. I think he would be an indulgent, undemanding father figure for my daughters, and I believe he is a conservative solid citizen who is respectable and predictable. Also, his one son is safely tucked away in college studying to be a pilot.

What do you all think?
 
Is he Catholic but non practicing or not Catholic/not practicing Chrisitan or non-Christian? (Does that make sense??)
 
I don’t think he goes to church. I know that his grandmother was Catholic, as I met her before she died. She was from England. His last name is Italian, so he must have some Catholics on that side too. We haven’t spoken about religion.
 
Your daughters would be well served with a Godly father. Personally, I would take a poor devout Catholic over a rich fallen-away Catholic or non-Catholic. Would John be interested in attending RCIA with you?
 
you would marry a guy because he is nice, inoffensive and has a ski chalet? girl, you do have a right to a little romance. keep looking.
 
Hummm, well, ask him to Mass. Consider that the first part of a test process 🙂

Believe me, there is nothing more attractive than a faithful Catholic man, when DH converted - he turned into Mel Gibson 😃
 
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spiritblows:
Also, his one son is safely tucked away in college studying to be a pilot.

What do you all think?
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If you are in the states, I think commercial pilots are trained in the Armed Forces. Maybe I am just suspicious of Pharmacists… 🙂
 
Marriage is not a business transaction. And nor should anyone consider entering into a marital covenant unless they thoroughly know, love and are willing to serve whomever they are marrying.

What if John goes bankrupt? There goes the chalet and “indulgent” parenting. What if he is in a horribly disfiguring accident? Are you still going to enjoy life with a slightly dull, overweight man whom you’re just barely attracted enough to in order to have marital relations with? What if he’s paralyzed and requires round the clock, constant supervision and care? Hmm that would mean he couldn’t work and also wouldn’t be earning enough to keep the chalet and whatever other extras that seemingly attract you.

So many things in life are uncertain. What remains the same is who we inherently are. You have to love your spouse enough that the externals of what they have materially doesn’t matter, it’s their spirit and unique soul which calls you to them.

I remember falling in love with my husband and thinking there was nowhere else in the world I’d rather be but right next to him for the rest of my life. There were no conditions. I didn’t weigh the “perks” of being married to him as if it were some sort of benefits package for a new job.

Honestly, your approach to finding a husband worries me! Where is the love, the friendship, the passion? I don’t see any of that or really even the desire for it. You’ve mentioned your desire to have sex in your life again, etc, but that will be meaningless if it is not with love–and especially if you sell out for someone now and later realize God had something else in mind.
 
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puzzleannie:
you would marry a guy because he is nice, inoffensive and has a ski chalet? girl, you do have a right to a little romance. keep looking.
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LOL, annie, well I’m just exploring the possiblity of getting to know this man better. I haven’t had a date in my 8 years of widowhood, for goodness sakes, and I have to assess my realistic possibilities. Yes, a middle aged man who has some material possessions, who will make my life easier, as I approach the difficult teenage years with my daughters alone, would be attractive in many ways. There’s more to marriage than sex and romance you know. Mt chalets can be very nice, with hottubs, views, and saunas, plus comfey amenities.

I already talked to my priest about my desire to remarry and the likely neccessity of looking outside of the church to find a man. He said that that would be fine, understanding the limited pool of available men in my age bracket in our small community. So, I’m considering ‘John’, who is stable and solid, with substantial assets, and does have some outdoor hobbies, plus likes to travel abroad. He’s been hinting that we get together for a couple of years now, and I’ve always evaded the subject. Now, I’m reconsidering, as I’m open to marriage again.
 
Dear Abby,
You make very good points. But, I’m sure John has good insurence. If he needed care, well that’s part of the commitment of marriage. But, a sensible woman considers a man’s holdings and assets. I’m at an age where if a man hasn’t proven his capability to be responsible with his personal resources, having established himself in the world, then, well he’s called ‘a loser’, and it gets old fast. I do have my own assets, btw, and I have to be careful to hook up with a man whose relative means are equal or greater than my own. That’s common sense.
 
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spiritblows:
Dear Abby,
You make very good points. But, I’m sure John has good insurence. If he needed care, well that’s part of the commitment of marriage. But, a sensible woman considers a man’s holdings and assets. I’m at an age where if a man hasn’t proven his capability to be responsible with his personal resources, having established himself in the world, then, well he’s called ‘a loser’, and it gets old fast. I do have my own assets, btw, and I have to be careful to hook up with a man whose relative means are equal or greater than my own. That’s common sense.
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I do hear what you’re saying, honestly. My husband is an engineer with advanced degrees and I’m happy he is educated and hardworking. But that was the least of my thinking when I dated him and fell in love. Because I was not about to settle for a man who was unable or unwilling to provide–so that was a mere pre-req, as far as I was concerned. I knew that there are plenty of other professionals in the world. If marrying a man who could provide for me and my family was a mere given in terms of my standards, then my focus needed to be primarily on discerning who was and was not a good fit for me emotionally and spiritually. I wasn’t going to date someone who thought picking his guitar in a bar on Saturday night would ultimately feed our future family. I was attracted to someone with intelligence and ambition and a willingness to work hard for a good end. But I also needed a wicked sense of humor, compassion and down to earth sensibility. I don’t think I REALLY knew exactly what I wanted until I found the specific combination of wonderful qualities and personality traits in my husband. But those qualities had nothing to do with his job or his income–I had already set that standard. The caveat, however, was that I also knew that if the worst happened someday–if, God forbid, my husband is hurt irrepreparably and cannot offer me or our baby what he does now financially or emotionally or spiritually (due to disabilities or whatever else)–then I would still be ever as in love with him as I always have been. It takes devotion to love and care for a spouse who is physically unable to give back anything. But that’s why marriage is a covenant and not a contract.

It’s okay to set for yourself the standard that you want someone to provide for you and your girls. But don’t make that the overriding focus. You still have to live with whomever you choose, day in and day out. You have to share your body with them. You have to sort out conflicts and obstacles and be able to love them enough to compromise. If all the guy has going for him is “substantial assets,” then I don’t see how much fun marriage is going to be for you. And, like I said, just because someone has good insurance doesn’t mean you get to wash your hands of the deal if a horrible health catastrophe happens. I could go on and on and paint all sorts of worst-case scenarios for you, but it can be easily summarized by simply saying you don’t know what will happen till it happens. Or how resentful you might feel if the partner you thought was going to give you material comforts and an adequate sex life is suddenly unable.

Don’t you want someone whom you can’t get enough of talking to? Who makes you smile when you just think of him? The person who only has to give you a look and immediately you’re comforted. Personally I don’t find a Louis Vuitton bag very comforting.

It just sounds like you’re ONLY thinking about the financial or sexual aspect when there is so much more to consider.
 
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Princess_Abby:
Marriage is not a business transaction. And nor should anyone consider entering into a marital covenant unless they thoroughly know, love and are willing to serve whomever they are marrying.

What if John goes bankrupt? There goes the chalet and “indulgent” parenting. What if he is in a horribly disfiguring accident? Are you still going to enjoy life with a slightly dull, overweight man whom you’re just barely attracted enough to in order to have marital relations with? What if he’s paralyzed and requires round the clock, constant supervision and care? Hmm that would mean he couldn’t work and also wouldn’t be earning enough to keep the chalet and whatever other extras that seemingly attract you.

So many things in life are uncertain. What remains the same is who we inherently are. You have to love your spouse enough that the externals of what they have materially doesn’t matter, it’s their spirit and unique soul which calls you to them.

I remember falling in love with my husband and thinking there was nowhere else in the world I’d rather be but right next to him for the rest of my life. There were no conditions. I didn’t weigh the “perks” of being married to him as if it were some sort of benefits package for a new job.

Honestly, your approach to finding a husband worries me! Where is the love, the friendship, the passion? I don’t see any of that or really even the desire for it. You’ve mentioned your desire to have sex in your life again, etc, but that will be meaningless if it is not with love–and especially if you sell out for someone now and later realize God had something else in mind.
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I totally agree with Abby on this. It worries me too. Marriage should be the union of two people who love each other and want to give themselves to each other completely. Spouses are supposed to help each other get to Heaven…do you feel like he will do this? You will be bound by marriage to him even if he loses all his money and/or loses his ability to perform sexually, which seem to be the two aspects you are emphasizing on the most. I hope I am wrong, and if I am right, I hope its just a misunderstanding, but I think you have never mentioned love as something you care about for marriage in either of the threads on this topic. Marriage is a serious beautiful sacramental bond that cannot be taken lightly/ casually. One needs to go into marriage in the spirit of giving oneself to the one one loves rather than in the spirit of taking. (sorry for all the ones 🙂 )
 
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12345678:
I totally agree with Abby on this. It worries me too. Marriage should be the union of two people who love each other and want to give themselves to each other completely. Spouses are supposed to help each other get to Heaven…do you feel like he will do this? You will be bound by marriage to him even if he loses all his money and/or loses his ability to perform sexually, which seem to be the two aspects you are emphasizing on the most. I hope I am wrong, and if I am right, I hope its just a misunderstanding, but I think you have never mentioned love as something you care about for marriage in either of the threads on this topic. Marriage is a serious beautiful sacramental bond that cannot be taken lightly/ casually.
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Thank you for mentioning the most important part… It does seem like the focus is on only earthly concerns, instead of looking with eternal eyes toward heaven–which is what spouses are ultimately called to do for each other.

Marriage is a vocation and your vocation is your path to sanctification. Can John sanctify you? Can he get you to heaven? Most importantly, since God will hold you accountable for this, can you help John get to heaven?
 
I think your teenie bopper mind set needs to catch up with your middle age body. I’ve never read such a ridiculous post from supposedly mature woman. If this is the “thoughtful consideration” you are putting into potential marital partner decision making, I’d advise John to start skiing a whole lot faster…in the opposite direction.
 
You spoke of the need to look outside the Church - have you tried www.avemariasingles.com? I’ve heard great things about them, they have testimonials from couples who have been through widowhood and found another faithful Catholic through this service…
 
Dear Abby,
You do make some excellent points. I think I’ll have to get to know John a little better before I decide if I want to pursue the relationship. I agree about that wanting to talk to someone endlessly, I miss those long conversations with my husband while laying in bed.

Kate,
I’ll check out that site, who knows, maybe something will come of it. Thanks!

As for Island Oak, that harshly worded post is uncalled for. Maybe she should think before pressing the submit button, eh? There is an actual human being at the other end of this computer…
 
Hi spiritblows. I know a few friends who are widowed. My mother is dating now after being widowed 6 years, and my MIL is now married after being widowed for 4 years. I agree with others that you want to have a close, sanctifying relationship with the one you marry. However, I have to add that, sometimes, a 2nd relationship—especially after you are no longer going to have more children----is different. I truly believe that people have different relationship needs at different times in their lives. It’s not unreasonable to want some financial security and someone to “lean on” while raising teenaged girls. I’ve read some other posts of yours re: your being tired of child rearing, and just plain tired!!! You’ve been working and raising children by yourself for 8 years. Why don’t you date “John” for awhile without foisting him on your girls? Don’t invite him for dinner, etc. Get to know him on a personal level first. See if you like him well enough to become more attracted to him. If it seems like it may be a good fit, then slowly introduce him in a more personal way to your girls. It seems I’m “odd man out” in seeing your view on the whole matter. I just don’t see anything wrong in wanting some support—financially, socially, etc. after you’ve been on your own for so long. I’ll keep you in my prayers. Oh, and definitely prayerfully approach the matter, and try to discern God’s will!!!
 
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spiritblows:
Alright ladies, so if you all recall, I had pretty much written off ‘Joe’ as a prospect, even though he’s more physically attractive, and an on and off again practising Catholic. So, ‘John’ was clued in to my skiing habits, and he ‘ran in’ to me at the lodge at the nearby ski resort. I had my two girls with me who are 9 and 11. So, we all were able to ski together and then of course he wanted to show us his chalet.

As you may recall, John is a pharmacist, very respectable, somewhat overweight, not practising Catholic, and very financially secure. Now, I was very impressed by his chalet, it’s very nice, and my girls were pleased. I really like the way he interacted with them. My feeling is that he would be indulgent towards them, which would probably be a positive thing for these fatherless children whose own father died when they were 3 and 1.

On talking to John I found him mild mannered, very interested in telling me about his chalet and how he decorated it, inoffensive, and slightly dull. He is middle of the road politically, and it really sounds like he needs a wife to do stuff with. He loves skiing, and was definately impressed by my fast skiing. As far as physical attractiveness, I think that I would be attracted enough to him to fullfill that aspect of married life.

The positives of him would be that I believe being married to him would make our lives very secure with lots of luxerious perks. I think he would be an indulgent, undemanding father figure for my daughters, and I believe he is a conservative solid citizen who is respectable and predictable. Also, his one son is safely tucked away in college studying to be a pilot.

What do you all think?
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Are you talking about a business transaction or the Sacrament of Marriage? I’m confused here.

Honestly, it sounds that callous and that conniving. You appear to like his assets, but are not so keen on him as a person.

Marriage is NOT about these things. I think that I feel sorry for John if you move forward with this business and transactional approach to marriage-- he gives me a chalet, I can tolerate sex with him. BLECH. It makes my stomach turn.

I haven’t read any previous posts, so I don’t know what you ahve said before. Have you considered therapy??? Perhaps your first husband’s death has not fully processed. You seem so determined to get married but yet you are not focusing on the right things: LOVE for one-- which he deserves as well as you. The Faith for another-- he’s not a Catholic. The purpose of marriage is to work together to bring each other and children into the Beatific Vision-- Heaven. To serve God through this vocation. NOT to serve yourself.
 
Spiritblows:

If you feel led to a dating relationship with John, then go out with him. It’s a date, not a wedding. Perhaps as you date him you will learn more about him that is really attractive to you. Do you think he would ask you out? Wait until he asks, he’s needs to demonstrate you his interest by asking. Let him pursue you. This is really important, make it be a standard that you set for yourself: the man has to initiate the dating relationship.

Spiritblows, don’t settle. Perhaps it’s time to make a major change in your life, but in a different way. Keep praying to discern where God is leading you. Move your family elsewhere in order to expand the pool of potential mates before you settle for someone who doesn’t absolutely light up every part of your mind and soul. Perhaps you could go back to college, start a business, get a graduate degree, go on a mission to help the poor. Have you ever thought of a religious vocation? Remember, there’s more than one way to feed a hungry soul. By the way, where are your other children and what are they doing?
 
Dear Spiritblows,
I may have misunderstood what you meant with what you have said, but just in case I thought I would mention some concerns I have from this and your previous thread:

You had mentioned he was divorced but you thought his marriage was probably not valid. Does he have an annulment? If not, remember
  1. Dating a divorced man that does not have an annulment = dating a married man. Unless he gets an annulment, I would not go for him.
Did you ever find out if he has the drinking problems you had heard of?
2. If I wasn’t 100% sure he doesn’t have drinking problems, I wouldn’t marry him and bring him into a home with daughters that are minors (even if they weren’t minors, and even if I didn’t have daughters… it would still worry me)

You had mentioned that the need for sexual intimacy is what is driving you to seek a husband.
3. Better marry lest we burn, but marriage is a serious thing, whether you’re a widow or its a first marriage. Sex is a wonderful part of marriage, but we don’t marry for sex. It just worried me a bit the wording of wanting independence (when in marriage 2 become one) and regular sex.
  1. I agree that love alone may not be enough to decide on marriage, and there is nothing wrong with considering the economic aspects etc, but the attraction and love has to be there, not just the economic aspect etc.
I would suggest maybe reading up a bit on books on the sacrament of Marriage, maybe these can give you insights in what to look for when considering marriage. Please don’t settle for whoever vaguely matches the material/earthly requirements. Marriage transcends the natural into the supernatural.
 
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