Joke thread

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Hajnalcsillag

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So as it prevent there from being too much hostility, I’d like to start a joke thread here. Obviously, please use your head and don’t have anything obviously offensive or anything that would violate the TOS.

I’ll start with this one, which I posted on an earlier thread.

A Protestant moves into an entirely Catholic neighborhood, and on the first Friday of Lent he decides to use his grill for the first time. So he buys a stack of steaks and throws them on his hot grill, and the smell of searing beef drives the Catholics crazy. After three weeks of this, they send the local priest and deacon to the man’s door and ask if he would like to convert to Catholicism. To their surprise, he accepts and is baptized, with the deacon praying over him and the priest saying, “You were born Baptist, you were raised Baptist, and now you are Catholic.”

The next Friday, the smell of searing beef fills the neighborhood again, and the priest and deacon go around back of the man’s house. There they see him standing over the grill, throwing water on the beef and saying, “You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish.”
 
One Sunday, a pastor decides that he’d rather go golfing than be in church. So shortly before church would normally start, he loads his golf clubs into the trunk of his car and heads for a course five towns over so as not to be noticed. He’s approaching the first tee when Peter runs over to God and asks, “You’re not seriously going to let him get away with this, are you?” God says, “Don’t worry, I’ve got it taken care of.”

The pastor tees up on the first hole, a 585-yard par-5. He winds up and crushes a drive that not only hits the green on the fly, but bounces once and drops right into the hole! Peter looks at God and erupts, “You said you had it taken care of! How could you let that happen?”

God smiles and says, “Relax. Who’s he going to tell about it?”
 
This is a true story ,but I think it’s funny…My aunt is a Methodist and a very nice church going lady…Her husband never went to church…I don’t think he was an atheist, he just didn’t like to go to church

One Thanksgiving, my aunt took her turn inviting everyone over for dinner…When it came time to say grace she asked if her husband would do it…BIG MISTAKE…

He started out Dear Lord…Three crackers and four people…I thank God for no more people

…everyone thought it was funny but my aunt:D
 
A man died and met St. Peter at the gate of heaven. He asked if he could get a tour of hell before entering heaven. So St Peter said ok, and took him downstairs.

The first person they met was being boiled in oil. “Yeek” said the man. “What did he do?”

“That’s a Catholic,” said St Peter. “He ate meat on Friday.”

The second person they met was being skinned alive. “Arrrgh!” said the man on the tour. “What did he do?”

“That’s a Baptist,” replied St Peter. “He went out dancing.”

The third poor schmuck they met was being BOTH skinned alive AND boiled in oil at the same time. “OOOOOWWWWCHHHH” cried the visitor. “What did HE do???”

“That’s an Episcopalian,” replied St Peter. “He ate his dessert with his salad fork.”
 
Palin Meets the Pope

Sarah Palin is invited to meet with the Pope while he is vacationing in Venice. The liberal press reluctantly watches the semi-private audience, hoping they will be able to allot minimal coverage, if any. The Pope asks Governor Palin to join him on a Gondola ride through the canals of Venice.

They’re admiring the sights and agreeing on moral issues when, all of a sudden, the Pope’s hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water.

The gondolier starts to reach for the Pontiff’s cap with his pole, but this move threatens to overturn the floating craft.

Sarah waves the tour guide off, saying, ‘Wait, wait. I’ll take care of this. Don’t worry.’

She steps off the gondola onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Pope’s hat, bends over and picks it up. She walks back across the water to the gondola and steps aboard.

She hands the hat to the Pope a mid stunned silence.

The next morning the talking points among Democrats in Congress, and the coverage publishing by CBS News, NBC News, ABC News, CNN, the New York Times, Hollywood
celebrities, and in France and Germany is:

*‘Palin Can’t Even Swim.’ *
 
A man in Ireland walked down an alley. Suddenly, he was surrounded by a gang of six men carrying knives. One of them said “Catholic or Protestant?”. Wisely, the man replied “I’m an athiest.” Replied the gangster “Catholic athiest or Protestant athiest?”.😃 😃 😃 😃 :irish3:
 
A man went to a Franciscan and a Jesuit and asked: “What novena should I say to get a Mercedes Benz?”

The Franciscan replied: “What’s a Mercedes Benz?”

The Jesuit asked: “What’s a novena?”
 
An engineer was crossing the road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said “If you kiss me I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for a week.”

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for a week.”

Again the engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.

Finally the frog asked, “What’s the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and that I’ll stay with you for a week. Why won’t you kiss me?”

The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool!”

.
 
Once, I froze holy water and made popecicles. 😛

A priest and a rabbi were walking down the street. Suddenly, a naked woman riding an elephant crossed in front of them. This was followed by sixteen monkeys dressed as clowns riding ostriches. After that came two bears pushing wheelbarrows that each contained 4 ducks. The priest turned to the rabbi, but before he could speak, the other held up his hand and said “I’ve heard this one before.”
 
A kindergarten teacher asks her class to bring items representative of their religion for show-and-tell the next day.

The next day in show and tell, a young Jewish boy stands up and says, “I’m Jewish, and this is a yarmulke.”

A young Catholic boy stands up and says, “I’m Catholic, and this is a rosary.”

A third young boy stands up and says, “I’m Methodist, and this is a green bean casserole.”
 
A vicar and a businessman are playing golf. The business man muffs his tee shot, “$%**&! missed!”.

“You shouldn’t swear like that,” says the vicar.

At the next hole the businessman messes up one of his putts, “$%**&! missed!”.

“God will be very annoyed with you if you swear like that,” said the vicar.

At the next hole the businessman ends up in a bunker, “$%&! missed! I’m in the $%&! bunker”.

A large thundercloud gathers above the pair and begins to rumble ominously. The businessman starts to look worried while the vicar looks smug. A huge lightning bolt strikes the ground and leaves a smoking crater where the vicar was standing. The businessman hears a loud booming vouce from the sky say, “$%**&! missed!”

rossum
 
A Catholic principal said to the pupils, “here is ten dollars for anyone who knows the greatest man on earth”.

“Mao” said Siaw Lee. “No”, said the principal.

“Mohammad” said Karim. “No”, said the principal.

“Washington” said Jack. The principal shook his head.

“Churchill” said Gerrard. Again the principal said no.

“Luther” said Walter. The principal replied in the negative.

Finally young Joshua raised his hand. “Jesus Christ” he said.
“You are right”, said the principal, “here is ten dollars”.

At home that day, Joshua’s mother was furious. “How could you not said Moses?” she said.

“I know, mom," explained Joshua, "deep in my heart it was Moses. But business is business.”
 
A Quaker family was invited to a Baptist dinner. The Baptist pastor wanted to be a good host so he asked the Quaker to say grace. As they all bowed their heads the Quaker prayed in silence over the meal, as is the Quaker custom. Then the Friend said, “Amen”…the Baptist pastor responded…“I couldn’t hear what you said.” The Friend looked at him and smiled and responded. “Friend, I wasn’t talking to thee.”
 
One day, a Baptist was walking through the stables at a horse track. He saw a priest blessing a horse. Curious, he watched that race and saw that horse when by 10 legnths. Later, he saw the priest blessing another horse. Again, the Baptist watched that horse win by 15 legnths. Later, he witnessed the same thing. After making sure there were no other baptists around, he placed a HUGE bet on that horse to win.

When the gate opened, the horse took one step and fell over dead.

Shocked, the baptist went and found that priest.

“I don’t understand,” he stammered. “I saw you bless two other horses and they won big.”

“What denomination are you?”
“Baptist.”
“Typical protestant. You can’t tell a blessing from last rites.”
 
A priest and a rabbi are sitting on a park bench discussing matters of faith when a young man approaches. He looks at the rabbi and asks, “Rabbi, is it true that Jews are not permitted to eat pork?” The rabbi nodded and said, “As a matter of clean and unclean foods, yes, it is not allowed to eat pork.” The young man then asked, “Just between us, have you ever eaten pork?” The rabbi nodded slowly and said, “When I was young and in a stage of rebellion and doubt with my faith, yes, I did regularly consume pork. Thankfully those days are behind me though.”

The young man then looked at the priest and asked, “Father, is it true that you’re not permitted to marry or sleep with women?” The priest said, “Yes, my son, this is true.” The young man asked, “Just between us, have you ever been with a woman or women?” The priest said, “Back in my younger days when I was struggling with my faith, I regularly engaged in pleasures of the flesh with women.”

The rabbi looked at the priest and said, “Better than pork, isn’t it?”😉
 
How can you tell two baptists in a liquor store?

They won’t talk to each other
 
You know it’s impossible to find just four Catholics together at the same time? Where there’s four, there’s always a fifth.😉
 
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