Joke thread

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What is this?

Clip-Clop
Clip-Clop
Clip-Clop
Clip-Clop

BANG BANG

Clip-clop, clip-Clop, clip-clop, clip-clop

An Amish Drive-by shooting
 
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, “Father, I
have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to
say one thing.”

What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, “Hi, we’re single! Do you want to have some fun?”

“How forward!” the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a
moment.
“You know,” he said, “I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the
Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the
cagewith Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and
worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase and
acting better in no time.”

“Thank you,” the woman responded, “this may very well be the
solution.”

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s
house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside
their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over
and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female
parrots cried out in unison:

“Hi, we’re single! Do you want to have some fun?”

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked
over at the other male parrot and exclaimed…

“Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered.”
 
The confessional opens, a drunk staggers in,
sits down and says nothing at all.
When some minutes go by and he doesn’t begin
his confession the priest taps the wall.
Then goes rat-a-tat, when there’s still no response
from beyond the shuttered divider;
“No use knocking pal,” said the drunkard at once;
“There’s no paper in this one either.” ~Jim Hayes
 
This one’s true. I witnessed it!

After the dinner party, Mary was still talking to friends when her roommate began cleaning up.

There was a dish of vegetables in front of her. “Do you want to save these?” he asked. “Yes,” she said.

He stood up straight, threw his head back, extended his hands over the dish, and cried, “Heal! Heal!”

Do I hear an “Amen”?

Ruthie
 
A priest a rabbi and an imam walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says
“What, is this some sort of joke?”
 
A rabbi, a doctor, and a lawyer were traveling to another city together when their car broke down. Fortunately, they spotted a farm. They knocked on the door and explained their situation. The farmer said, “Well, you can stay, but one of you will have to sleep in the barn.”

The doctor volunteered and went to the barn. An hour later, he said, “I can’t sleep out there, sleeping with pigs is unsanitary.” The rabbi volunteered.

An hour later, the rabbi knocked on the door, “I can’t sleep out there. Sleeping with pigs is against my religion.” So the lawyer volunteered.

An hour later, the pigs knocked on the door.
 
A Jesuit, a Franciscan, and a Dominican were camping in the woods. They found a chest of burried treasure. Unsure how to divide it, they began to argue.

“It’s simple,” said the Dominican. “We draw a circle on the ground and throw the money in the air. What lands in the circle, we give to God and what lands outside we keep.”

“No,” replied the Franciscan.“We draw a small circle on the ground. What lands in the Circle we keep, what is outside, we give to God.”

“Yet again, you are both wrong and you need a Jesuit to show you the way,” said the Jesuit in a most authoritative tone. “We throw the money in the air and whatever God wants, he keeps.”
 
Blueberry said:
A man died and met St. Peter at the gate of heaven. He asked if he could get a tour of hell before entering heaven. So St Peter said ok, and took him downstairs.

The first person they met was being boiled in oil. “Yeek” said the man. “What did he do?”

“That’s a Catholic,” said St Peter. “He ate meat on Friday.”

The second person they met was being skinned alive. “Arrrgh!” said the man on the tour. “What did he do?”

“That’s a Baptist,” replied St Peter. “He went out dancing.”

The third poor schmuck they met was being BOTH skinned alive AND boiled in oil at the same time. “OOOOOWWWWCHHHH” cried the visitor. “What did HE do???”

“That’s an Episcopalian,” replied St Peter. “He ate his dessert with his salad fork.”
Click to expand...
My wife and I were having dinner with my parents earlier tonight and I shared this joke. Immediately after I finished, I heard a rather loud groan.

Who groaned? The dog, who was half-asleep on the couch. I have three other witnesses to this as well.😃
 
This really happened; the young man was my father.

A young man had just been installed into his very first apartment away from home. The furniture was in, all of his stuff was put away, and his parents and friends had made their way home. He was just sitting down to relax when he heard a knock at the door. Excited, he jumped up to greet his very first visitors.

Two young men in suits stood at the door; he said, “Yes, how can I help you?” because they weren’t anyone he knew. They said, “Sir, we have a message for you from your brother, Jesus Christ.”

He looked at them in consternation, put his hand to his forehead, and exclaimed, “Oh, no! Don’t tell me, he’s already broke, again!?”
 
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