Joys of Marriage

[Sweet_Jill]

I was reading old threads and someone wrote about wanting to be loving of their fiance and how was one to do that without crossing any lines from a Catholic viewpoint.

One of the replies was that none of the joys of marriage could be shared before marriage. Reasonable and logical. But the reply went on to say that she couldn’t “take care of him, etc”

Hm? That doesn’t make sense to me, perhaps I was reading it wrong. Is it wrong to take care of people we are close with? Of course we take care of and help friends and family and our significant others. And random stranger even through charity and such.

If someone could explain that and perhaps clear up the wording. I’m rather scrupulous and that remark threw me for a loop.

Thanks in advance!

 

[Markstorm]

I’m fairly certain you merely misinterpreted the statement. As Christians we are to love our neighbors with agape, a giving, sacrificial love. That means if someone needs us and we can help, we should give our aid within reason. The fact that we have discerned marriage with them doesn’t change this at all.

The other aspect of love, eros, is desirous, possessive love. This is what you want to watch out for. Eros is the love that we should avoid demonstrating before marriage.

Hope that helps.

 

[homewardbound]

I have a question regarding this.

I am in hardship currently financially and my boyfriend is the only way I am eating and he also has been helping me with rent so I am not homeless. My family helping isn’t an option. Once I get a job after the first of the year(I am pretty much already hired they just said I couldn’t start until January) this will change and I hope to begin trying to pay him back. Is it wrong of him to help me like this?

 

[Markstorm]

The act of helping you is not objectively wrong. If he intends to take some sort of advantage by doing this, then his intention makes it wrong. Otherwise it’s fine. Unless there’s a huge gap in my understanding, your boyfriend should be applauded (if his intention is good).

 

[SilenceISgolden]

Unless he expecting something more than you just paying him back the money when you get it, I don’t see how that is wrong. If you had a best friend in a bind and you were able, you would do that for her right? I think the porblem would begin if there were other expectations associated with the loaning of the money.

Good luck with your new job!

Have a Blessed Advent!

 

[homewardbound]

Thank you both! He’s definitely not doing it for anything other than to help me. He doesn’t even expect to be paid back(he says I’ll do that by marrying him someday) but I am going to do my best to pay him back in the months to come.

I know he’d do the same for a friend, as would I. We’ve been friends for years, but I just wanted to make sure it wasn’t too much for a dating couple.

Thanks …sorry OP for hijacking the thread.

 

[Just_wondering]

Sweet Jill: I wonder if it’s my thread that you read that on. Certainly, someone said something to me about being very careful not to do things to take care of him before marriage, and I wondered about it, too. I just let it pass, because I do things to take care of all my friends, whether it’s feeding the cats, helping out with a loan when needed, or being a listening ear.

homeward bound: I did the same thing for my boyfriend (soon to be fiance). He sent money home to pay for his grandmother’s surgery, and didn’t have enough money left over to make ends meet. I lent / gave him five hundred dollars, and I’ve given him an extra ten dollars here and there when he didn’t have bus fare. He doesn’t want to take the gift, and he is insisting on paying me back, even when he’s going to propose soon! It may be overstepping the bounds of our relationship for me to help him in this way, but I can’t sit by and watch him starve because he paid his grandmother’s hospital bills, when I have the money to help him.

 

[Malcolm_McLean]

One of the replies was that none of the joys of marriage could be shared before marriage. Reasonable and logical. But the reply went on to say that she couldn’t “take care of him, etc”

You can’t have sexual intercourse except in marriage.
For obvious reasons there are rules to defend this one. It is also very imprudent to pass, for instance, large sums of money to someone who you hope will marry you, and a promise to marry in exchange for the money is not morally or legally binding. However if you accept that the money and boyfriend might both disappear, it is not wrong to do this.

 

[whatevergirl]

I have a question regarding this.

I am in hardship currently financially and my boyfriend is the only way I am eating and he also has been helping me with rent so I am not homeless. My family helping isn’t an option. Once I get a job after the first of the year(I am pretty much already hired they just said I couldn’t start until January) this will change and I hope to begin trying to pay him back. Is it wrong of him to help me like this?

It is not wrong, at all…God bless him for doing so. I think perhaps what the above mentioned comment might mean…‘taking care of someone who is not your spouse…’ is to be cautious to ‘not be taken advantage of someone with whom you’re dating.’ If you were using your bf for his financial help, that would be a different story. But, he loves you, and is willing to help you…and you are intending to get a job in the new year. I think if someone were not ever able to work, and his/her loved one were to ‘take care of them,’ again…different story. I read the remark more to mean…don’t let a man/woman take advantage of you…and that, I believe.

I wouldn’t for example, want to support a man who never had any intentions of working…and just wanted to freeload off of a woman. They are out there, I have been told by some of my single female friends…but again, that’s worlds away from what your bf is doing for you. Sometimes, it can be hard to receive, because we feel guilty over someone’s generosity…God bless…hope that answers your question?

 

[pumpkinbeast]

Sweet Jill: I wonder if it’s my thread that you read that on. Certainly, someone said something to me about being very careful not to do things to take care of him before marriage, and I wondered about it, too. I just let it pass, because I do things to take care of all my friends, whether it’s feeding the cats, helping out with a loan when needed, or being a listening ear.

homeward bound: I did the same thing for my boyfriend (soon to be fiance). He sent money home to pay for his grandmother’s surgery, and didn’t have enough money left over to make ends meet. I lent / gave him five hundred dollars, and I’ve given him an extra ten dollars here and there when he didn’t have bus fare. He doesn’t want to take the gift, and he is insisting on paying me back, even when he’s going to propose soon! It may be overstepping the bounds of our relationship for me to help him in this way, but I can’t sit by and watch him starve because he paid his grandmother’s hospital bills, when I have the money to help him.

I’m pretty sure it was my thread, actually… I decided to put that comment aside, as far as I was concerned. Any taking care of him that I was doing, I would do for just about any friend, so I don’t see that as anything too marriage-like. And he needs taking care of! He’s a scatter-brained genius. Would loose his head if it wasn’t attached, but boy is he smart!

I think what the poster who warned me against taking care of my bf meant something more like living together; otherwise, the comment doesn’t make any sense, really. If people need help, and you can provide it, you should probably help them (other prudent reasons aside). Why would this be different just because you are in a romantic relationship? I don’t think they meant that you can cook supper for someone, but if they became your bf/gf, that you should suddenly stop, or lend them money if they needed it, but then stop… it just doesn’t follow logic, in my mind.

 

[Just_wondering]

I think what the poster who warned me against taking care of my bf meant something more like living together; otherwise, the comment doesn’t make any sense, really. If people need help, and you can provide it, you should probably help them (other prudent reasons aside). Why would this be different just because you are in a romantic relationship? I don’t think they meant that you can cook supper for someone, but if they became your bf/gf, that you should suddenly stop, or lend them money if they needed it, but then stop… it just doesn’t follow logic, in my mind.

Pumpkinbeast: you’re right, that doesn’t make sense when you put it that way. I think if I would help a friend in that way, I could help a boyfriend in that way, too. I guess we should be careful when it crosses some line… like if I say, “I did ___ for my boyfriend” and people would react by saying " " then I’d know that wasn’t something I should be doing.

I think Whatevergirl summed it up very clearly.

I read the remark more to mean…don’t let a man/woman take advantage of you…and that, I believe.

I wouldn’t for example, want to support a man who never had any intentions of working…and just wanted to freeload off of a woman. They are out there, I have been told by some of my single female friends…

 

[chevalier]

Marriage does not come out of nowhere. It’s not like only agape exists up until the point one marries. If that were true, people wouldn’t marry.

If you care for my own view, I agree that premarital relationships should avoid passing themselves for marriage. On the other hand, I abhor the “no obligations” mentality. I don’t believe people should pretend they don’t love each other or only as a neighbour, or something sibling-like.