Judgmental Holy Roller Church Lady

[BouncingBall]

LOL.

Well, that crisis is past. I reached out the olive branch two days later and it was all good. But now I am failing as a friend again. Why?

Well, my bff started watching pro football three years ago (but 88% of the time I’ve known her, she’s hated sports). Her favorite team, the Pats, is the same team as the one her super-best friend likes. And the Pats are a competitor to her home pro-ball team. So my conclusion is that she only likes the Pats because her super-best friend also likes them.

Now, I am very insecure when my bff talks to me about her super-best friend because I feel like I am being unfairly compared to him. Long story short: 13 years ago, she called me while I was watching The Sopranos and I asked her could she call me back. I did not know that it was to cry to me over the phone about a man. The person who did pick up the phone is now her super-best friend because I failed to be there for her in her hour of need. Back to the current situation… I don’t like it when my bff talks about her super-best friend because she does tend to go overboard; every other word is “so-and-so this, so-and-so that” and I feel like she is still punishing me for not taking that fateful phone call.

For Christmas, I bought her three official NFL DVDs from Amazon filled with classic Pats games so that she could catch up on games that she missed before she started caring about them. Last Friday I told her that I was going with the Pats for the AFC championship game, and that was all good. I hate the Pats, but I want a Giants/Pats re-match so we can beat them again. She knows I hate the Pats, too. And not just because her super-best friend likes them. I hate the Pats because they cheat in their games. And I rooted for them in Superbowl 2001.

Anyway, we are planning a trip to the UK this fall to see my fave band perform; turns out there’s a Pats exhibition game, the same night of the concert, at Wembley. So I gave her a little flak for that, because I’ve been trying to get her to travel to London with me but now that the Pats are playing, she wants to see the game and not go to the concert with me. Actually, she would be bored with the concert; maybe I should have conceded to that.

So anyway, about 5 hours later than that conversation about London, I asked her if she is having a house party or going to a sports bar to watch the Superbowl and she got snippy with me. She said that I am making a big deal about her liking football. The punchline is that I didn’t know she liked pro-football until this season. Football in general, not just the Pats.

Would you guys help me out with this one? How can I be less tone-deaf to her? Should I explain that I think she is still punishing me for not taking that one phone of hers call 13 years ago, and that is why we are having a hard time communicating about the Pats?

 

[EasterJoy]

LOL.

Well, that crisis is past. I reached out the olive branch two days later and it was all good. But now I am failing as a friend again. Why?

Well, my bff started watching pro football three years ago (but 88% of the time I’ve known her, she’s hated sports). Her favorite team, the Pats, is the same team as the one her super-best friend likes. And the Pats are a competitor to her home pro-ball team. So my conclusion is that she only likes the Pats because her super-best friend also likes them.

Now, I am very insecure when my bff talks to me about her super-best friend because I feel like I am being unfairly compared to him. Long story short: 13 years ago, she called me while I was watching The Sopranos and I asked her could she call me back. I did not know that it was to cry to me over the phone about a man. The person who did pick up the phone is now her super-best friend because I failed to be there for her in her hour of need. Back to the current situation… I don’t like it when my bff talks about her super-best friend because she does tend to go overboard; every other word is “so-and-so this, so-and-so that” and I feel like she is still punishing me for not taking that fateful phone call.

For Christmas, I bought her three official NFL DVDs from Amazon filled with classic Pats games so that she could catch up on games that she missed before she started caring about them. Last Friday I told her that I was going with the Pats for the AFC championship game, and that was all good. I hate the Pats, but I want a Giants/Pats re-match so we can beat them again. She knows I hate the Pats, too. And not just because her super-best friend likes them. I hate the Pats because they cheat in their games. And I rooted for them in Superbowl 2001.

Anyway, we are planning a trip to the UK this fall to see my fave band perform; turns out there’s a Pats exhibition game, the same night of the concert, at Wembley. So I gave her a little flak for that, because I’ve been trying to get her to travel to London with me but now that the Pats are playing, she wants to see the game and not go to the concert with me. Actually, she would be bored with the concert; maybe I should have conceded to that.

So anyway, about 5 hours later than that conversation about London, I asked her if she is having a house party or going to a sports bar to watch the Superbowl and she got snippy with me. She said that I am making a big deal about her liking football. The punchline is that I didn’t know she liked pro-football until this season. Football in general, not just the Pats.

Would you guys help me out with this one? How can I be less tone-deaf to her? Should I explain that I think she is still punishing me for not taking that one phone of hers call 13 years ago, and that is why we are having a hard time communicating about the Pats?

You say out loud that you hate her team because you think they cheat, you just happen to root for the team that ruined their would-have-been-perfect season in 2007, and you think you need to “explain that I think she is still punishing me for not taking that one phone of hers call 13 years ago, and that is why we are having a hard time communicating about the Pats”? Are you nuts? You’re a Giants fan who thinks she’s a disingenuous Patriots fan. That’s enough to cause a rift, and it will be for somewhere between two weeks (if the Patriots win) and forever after (if the Giants win on a play about which the two of you have a dispute).

I’m not really good with female-female politics, but I absolutely would not bring up your decision to put her tears on hold so you could watch The Sopranos, but especially not about now. Not only are you accusing her of carrying a long-distance grudge, but it would be just one more way to diminish the importance of her interest in football: “You’re too shallow about football to be mad that I belittle your interest in the Patriots, so your anger must really be about something else. I think you’re holding a 13 year old grudge.” I can’t think of a response that wouldn’t sound “snippy” at best!

The kind of problem you’re describing–with open designations of best friends and super best friends and putting so much weight on whether other people prefer one entertainment opportunity over another and deciding whether or not someone else’s likes and dislikes are genuine or not, yada yada ad nauseum– is why I concluded in 6th grade that most females could not be pleased as friends and didn’t change my mind until I hit college and realized that some women eventually grow up.

Quit being so competitive with Super-Best Friend and simply be a good friend without concerning yourself with where you are on her personal Friendship Pantheon of Fame or else just let the relationship go. If you don’t want to do that, resign yourself to a certain amount of drama. Competitive friendship has never-ending drama that no other playing field can match. There’s no accounting for taste, but as nearly as I can tell it is an extremely popular occupation. If you stick with it, you won’t be alone!

 

[1ke]

Unless you are both 12 years old, I think you need to remove the f’s in “bff.”

 

[BouncingBall]

You say out loud that you hate her team because you think they cheat, you just happen to root for the team that ruined their would-have-been-perfect season in 2007, and you think you need to “explain that I think she is still punishing me for not taking that one phone of hers call 13 years ago, and that is why we are having a hard time communicating about the Pats”? Are you nuts? You’re a Giants fan who thinks she’s a disingenuous Patriots fan. That’s enough to cause a rift, and it will be for somewhere between two weeks (if the Patriots win) and forever after (if the Giants win on a play about which the two of you have a dispute).

*I am not a Giants fan per se. I live in the city which the Giants call home. I don’t love any team in particular right now but I have disliked the Pats for a while, since around 2004. Since friendship is more important than a ball game, and because it is nearly impossible to win at Foxborough Stadium, I told my friend that I thought the Pats would beat the Ravens. My bff and I had a pleasant discussion about that on Friday. *

I’m not really good with female-female politics, but I absolutely would not bring up your decision to put her tears on hold so you could watch The Sopranos, but especially not about now. Not only are you accusing her of carrying a long-distance grudge, but it would be just one more way to diminish the importance of her interest in football: “You’re too shallow about football to be mad that I belittle your interest in the Patriots, so your anger must really be about something else. I think you’re holding a 13 year old grudge.” I can’t think of a response that wouldn’t sound “snippy” at best!

*I, too, am horrible at chick/chick politics; iI did, I wouldn’t be posting on here. My bff likes whatever her other friend likes. I nickname him ‘super-best friend’ because he can do absolutely no wrong. Look; I have known my bff since 1985. I have only heard her talk about or show interest in American football since Thanksgiving 2011. I am still trying to wrap my head around it LOL because she hated sports until recently. Big 180-degree turn. But it happens. So, to show her my support and help her like her team even more, I bought her 3 DVDs about the Pats including classic games that they won. PS: She iced me out for about a year after that Sopranos phone call. *

The kind of problem you’re describing–with open designations of best friends and super best friends and putting so much weight on whether other people prefer one entertainment opportunity over another and deciding whether or not someone else’s likes and dislikes are genuine or not, yada yada ad nauseum– is why I concluded in 6th grade that most females could not be pleased as friends and didn’t change my mind until I hit college and realized that some women eventually grow up.

*What entertainment she prefers, actually, has no bearing on my mental well-being. Plain and simple, I simply asked her if she is going to have a Superbowl party or check out the game at a sports bar and she blew up at me saying ‘what’s it to you, why are you making a big deal of it? do the Pats have to be in the Superbowl for me to watch it?’. Very odd. *

Quit being so competitive with Super-Best Friend and simply be a good friend without concerning yourself with where you are on her personal Friendship Pantheon of Fame or else just let the relationship go. If you don’t want to do that, resign yourself to a certain amount of drama. Competitive friendship has never-ending drama that no other playing field can match. There’s no accounting for taste, but as nearly as I can tell it is an extremely popular occupation. If you stick with it, you won’t be alone!

*That is good advice. *

 

[BouncingBall]

Unless you are both 12 years old, I think you need to remove the f’s in “bff.”

LOL are you trying to say that we are both b’s, a word that I don’t use anymore?

 

[BouncingBall]

Dear Bouncingball,

Thank you for sharing your story, please be assured of my prayers it sounds like you are quite stressed out.

I must share my concern that you seem overly-involved with someone whose frienship is unreliable, somewhat odd and a bit unhealthy even. After listening to many comments about her boss you made a suggestion and she quit speaking to you? Really?

*No, I said that she should not bait him with stories about her personal life if she really dislikes him the way she does. *

Of course I don’t know her side of the story but that is a very immature reaction. You also seem jealous of her other friend that she brings up deliberately to make you feel bad, this is a bit of an odd reaction, just my observation from what you have written.

*It’s a loooooooong story. It’s a cross that I will have to bear. *

I have a question for you…what is it about this individual that keeps you so concerned about her opinion of you and so fearful of losing her frienship? If she were to never speak to you again, ever what would happen? Do you have other friends? You seem in a constant state of fear of losing her as a friend this is not healthy.

I have lots of other friends but she is basically my sister. We travel together, I take her to awards shows with me, etc. This is a blip on the radar of a long and smooth friendship. Spats with friends are my Achilles heel, unfortunately.

Dear one Jesus loves you so much! Seek out the kind of friends that Jesus wants you to have. There are many people out there in the world that would love a friend like you! People who won’t gossip, try to make you jealous or emotionally punish you for 13 years over a mistake. With all Christian charity take this to prayer and see if you wouldn’t benefit by putting a little bit more distance between yourself and this woman. You don’t have to get dramatic about it and make an announcement to her…simply start calling her less and less to say “hi” but gradually keep distance. I promise you that there ARE healthy people out there that will be your friend that won’t play games like this with you. You won’t need to worry about getting “iced out” or having them not speak to you or get “snippy” over sports.

Take the emotional energy that you are putting into this roller coaster relationship and instead put it into your faith and your life in Christ.

I am, and I have. That is why I call myself the holy roller church lady. It’s not meet to say the extent of my spiritual life (Jesus said pray in your closet) and I did pray for my friend last night and this morning.

 

[1ke]

LOL are you trying to say that we are both b’s, a word that I don’t use anymore?

No.

I am trying to say that this is how 12 year olds act and you need to reconsider the “friend” and the “forever” part. Be the “best” person you can be-- this unhealthy relationship has got to go. It has you acting like you are in high school again.

 

[AbideWithMe]

I got burned 2nd hand by gossip. Sooner or later, it comes back to bite you, even if you think you are doing a good deed by listening.

I was listening to a bunch of malcontent moms whose kids weren’t doing very well in a particular teacher’s class (5th grade). My son was doing fine, and I suspected that it was a case of these moms not being able to see that their kids had a problem, not the teacher. The teacher was a right-brained, not too organized person, very creative, quite a good teacher really, but she made a rather large target. I would listen and try to sway the conversation into “Well maybe you could consider having your child tested for ADD, etc.” One mom said her daughter took HOURS to do homework, when it wasn’t much at all, and that was a red flag. But it was to no avail, they kept on complaining and agitating.

Well I got included on their group emails, and they were quite nasty about the teacher. Eventually, some of these emails found their way to the teacher, and I was tarred right along with the others, even though I was not in agreement. The teacher and I had had a good relationship up to that point and I really liked her.

She ended up quitting, and the rest of the school year was taught by a substitute teacher. I never forgot my lesson and now, if people start gossiping, I RUN, not walk, in the other direction.

Well said.

 

[EasterJoy]

I have lots of other friends but she is basically my sister. We travel together, I take her to awards shows with me, etc. This is a blip on the radar of a long and smooth friendship. Spats with friends are my Achilles heel, unfortunately.

OK. So this is kind of like that ad on TV for the reality show, where the guy says, “You know that friend you have that you don’t know why you’re friends with them? I have three.” You have enough history that you’ve essentially approximated a blood bond. You can be on the outs with her, you could theoretically cut her out of your life, but you couldn’t cease to care about her or be interested in how she’s doing. It’s just impossible, because that is the place she has in your heart. As the Greeks might put it, an entrenched case of philia! Gotcha.

From a spiritual point of view, I guess I’d suggest that you work on your attachment to this friendship and its past so that you can be more free to do the work of friendship that belongs to today. You’ll be more free to be honest, you’ll be more free to expect that there will be ups and downs between you, you’ll be more free to let go of obsessing about things that you can’t control or can’t know or can’t change, and you’ll be more free to worry a lot less about what you’re getting or not getting. If you let God handle your friendships, you’ll have a lot less anxiety about what you are and aren’t getting from them.

Now, I’m not talking about something that is within the natural realm. Wanting to give up our attachment to being liked all of the time and having no bad scenes so that we can choose freely to act according to the will of God in all facets of our lives is a supernatural desire. It can easily be derailed into a sort of detached self-satisfaction, too, a danger to which you have alluded. It is certainly not a state that I have attained!

When it works, it can work like this: When you are on the outs with her, you say, “Lord, you love her, because I can’t do it right now.” and “Forgive me, Lord, for my past foolishness, which I can’t change, and guide me to to better today.” There is a grace that comes from having that attitude, from wanting God’s love to operate above your capacity to faciliatate it or even cooperate with it, and to be humble about your past failures. It is a life-long task, though, so don’t be discouraged if you often find it difficult. That is the nature of this vale of tears.

 

[Ubenedictus]

Unless you are both 12 years old, I think you need to remove the f’s in “bff.”

Maybe i might win the funn-iest post of the thread but maybe someone can explain the meaning of ‘bff’. My contribution is: you may be holding guilt over the 13 year old issue and i thinking the comparism between her super-best and yourself is not the healthy thing in a relationship, you make it sound like a war.
Just lurking and decided to contribute and above are my thoughts which may be incorrect.
Ubenedictus

 

[Ubenedictus]

No.

I am trying to say that this is how 12 year olds act and you need to reconsider the “friend” and the “forever” part. Be the “best” person you can be-- this unhealthy relationship has got to go. It has you acting like you are in high school again.

opps! I didnt read thru the thread before commenting i think the bff ( i take it it means best friends forever) part makes it more complicated, this is bcos to be best friends forever is ‘hard’, you have to keep watch to make sure no one bcomes ‘best-er friends forever’. My advise is take it easy on the friendship …i think u can figure the rest out.
Ubenedictus

 

[puzzleannie]

Did I do something wrong? Is it better for Catholics who are trying to live more like Jesus wants, to not advise others about sin, detraction, charity, and so forth? What should I do?

for a start, cease gossiping with bff or anyone else about third parties. this is not doing either of you any good, nor is it helping your friendship

 

[BouncingBall]

for a start, cease gossiping with bff or anyone else about third parties. this is not doing either of you any good, nor is it helping your friendship

I did. I am. I will continue to. These days it’s easy to do, because she still isn’t speaking to me LOL. But I continue to pray daily to God that He bless her and her family, and brings her peace.

In other news – Yes, it is lame and immature to call someone bff; my apologies to everyone here who is not down with that.

And, perhaps the 13-year hangup about her other friend is of my own making; I will work on that.

Thanks and blessings to everyone who is replying.