Just accepted biological father's friend request

[KendraDZ1902]

Oh boy. So, I haven’t spoken to my real dad in about 2-3 years. My parent’s divorced when I was 10. He couldn’t/wouldn’t stop abusing very hard drugs and my mother didn’t find it safe for children to be raised like that. He was a wonderful dad before then. He coached my t-ball team, was at all of my cheerleading stuff, etc. He taught me about football.
He continued to get worse, would only come around when it benefitted him. Our Christmas presents would be picked up because he wouldn’t pay the bill for them. It was awful. My mom and step dad married when I was 13. That’s my daddy. He was there for everything, he scared my boyfriends, was at my graduations, walked me down the aisle, etc.
Therapy has made me realize that I had much more resentment than I thought. My psychiatrist called it abandonment and told me that those feelings could even be worse than my feelings of being sexually abused by my neighbor when I was a child. I talked to my mom the other day and I can talk to her about anything. I told her that I find days that I can forgive my abuser, but there are never days that I feel that I could forgive my father.
He has been in Facebook limbo for about 6 months now. I finally accepted his request. I figured I do need to forgive him, not for him, but for me. I just don’t know what to say or how to go about it. Blah. Thanks for listening…errr reading. lol.

 

[Xantippe]

I’m not a Facebook person, but do you have the settings adjusted appropriately for your safety and comfort? You don’t want him to see more than a sliver of your stuff, and you probably don’t want to see more than a sliver of his stuff, either. Even (or especially) if his current life is amazing, you may find that hard to swallow.

I feel like Facebook is terrible as a medium for conducting this particular relationship. It’s too shallow and at the same time too invasive.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

I’m not a Facebook person, but do you have the settings adjusted appropriately for your safety and comfort? You don’t want him to see more than a sliver of your stuff, and you probably don’t want to see more than a sliver of his stuff, either. Even (or especially) if his current life is amazing, you may find that hard to swallow.

I feel like Facebook is terrible as a medium for conducting this particular relationship. It’s too shallow and at the same time too invasive.

I live 8 or so hours away from any of my family, because of my husband’s career. Facebook is the only way I can stay in constant contact from anyone from back home. That’s what I use it for, family and real friends, sorority sisters, that’s about it. I haven’t thought about the comfort level of what I want him to see. I don’t have my phone or address on there, so he could only reach me via Facebook, and if it becomes a problem I will block him. I just want to begin the process of forgiveness and this seems like a good step for me, right now.

 

[acadiANNA]

You have had many difficulties to get through. I see your father may be at the point where he is sorry for his faults and now wants to make up for it. Perhaps this is the first step in being able to forgive him. For yourself. Praying for you, for your peace of mind and God’s blessings.

 

[IBombAtomically]

Have you looked at his profile yet? Has he tried to contact you since you accepted? I think if you’re comfortable with this step, it could lead towards healing although it might be scary at first. But if it begins to trigger more things or causes more stress than you feel equipped to handle at this point, don’t hesitate to unfriend him. Give yourself permission to put any contact on hold if it is damaging your mental health. Really, at this point it could go either way, but prepare yourself as best you can for what emotions might crop up and make a plan about how to handle it.

 

[Memaw]

You have had many difficulties to get through. I see your father may be at the point where he is sorry for his faults and now wants to make up for it. Perhaps this is the first step in being able to forgive him. For yourself. Praying for you, for your peace of mind and God’s blessings.

My father was an alcholic and my parents were divorced when I was 14. I never saw my father again for many years. After living out of state for over 15 years we moved back to my home town. I knew my father had quit drinking years before. My brother showed me where my dad lived but I had NO desire to see him. Everytime we drove to visit my in-laws, we had to pass his house and my 5 kids knew that was where their Grandfather lived and requested many times to see him. Finally one time my husband pulled the car over and said, “Get those kids in there to meet their grandfather.” I did and never regreated it. We became good friends and he got to see and know his kids and grandkids. The most wonderful thing is he came back into the faith and had a priest with him when he died. I know he and my mother are reunited now as she died before all this took place. She never stopped praying for him and she always told us kids not to critisize him but to pray for him. God Bless, Memaw

 

[KendraDZ1902]

Have you looked at his profile yet? Has he tried to contact you since you accepted? I think if you’re comfortable with this step, it could lead towards healing although it might be scary at first. But if it begins to trigger more things or causes more stress than you feel equipped to handle at this point, don’t hesitate to unfriend him. Give yourself permission to put any contact on hold if it is damaging your mental health. Really, at this point it could go either way, but prepare yourself as best you can for what emotions might crop up and make a plan about how to handle it.

He hasn’t contacted me, but it looks like he only gets on about once a week or so. I have looked at his profile. I am close to his brothers, they aren’t like him in the least, so I knew what to expect. He has had another child recently. So it is mostly pictures of the new kiddo. I hope that this baby will make him realize that he needs to grow up.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

. She never stopped praying for him and she always told us kids not to critisize him but to pray for him. God Bless, Memaw

When we were growing up, my mom did a good job letting us know that our dad did love us, he just made a lot of mistakes. I remember him being a good dad. I think that’s what hurts the most, I remember being the daddy’s girl. Hopefully, I can get that back. If not, I have a wonderful step dad who treats me like one of his own.

 

[Beryllos]

Well done. I’m praying for you and him.

 

[Truth_Faith13]

Oh boy. So, I haven’t spoken to my real dad in about 2-3 years. My parent’s divorced when I was 10. He couldn’t/wouldn’t stop abusing very hard drugs and my mother didn’t find it safe for children to be raised like that. He was a wonderful dad before then. He coached my t-ball team, was at all of my cheerleading stuff, etc. He taught me about football.
He continued to get worse, would only come around when it benefitted him. Our Christmas presents would be picked up because he wouldn’t pay the bill for them. It was awful. My mom and step dad married when I was 13. That’s my daddy. He was there for everything, he scared my boyfriends, was at my graduations, walked me down the aisle, etc.
Therapy has made me realize that I had much more resentment than I thought. My psychiatrist called it abandonment and told me that those feelings could even be worse than my feelings of being sexually abused by my neighbor when I was a child. I talked to my mom the other day and I can talk to her about anything. I told her that I find days that I can forgive my abuser, but there are never days that I feel that I could forgive my father.
He has been in Facebook limbo for about 6 months now. I finally accepted his request. I figured I do need to forgive him, not for him, but for me. I just don’t know what to say or how to go about it. Blah. Thanks for listening…errr reading. lol.

Maybe he has finally started to turn his life around. I hope it all goes well for you