Just ended a friendship, was I right?

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bluecookie8

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I’m not sure where to post this, so I hope this is the right place. I could use some advice on weather I made the right decision on ending a certain friendship I had. To clear things up, I am female freshman in college.

This summer, I met a girl at a convention. I will call her “H.” The two of us had a lot in common, we spent the whole day together, and exchanged numbers when it was time to leave. It turned out that she lived only a couple of miles away from my house. I was very excited to have made a new friend who had a lot in common with me. About a week later, we got together at the mall, and then went to her house. We had a great time, we had lunch at the mall, and watched movies at her house.

We got together at least twice a week for about a month, and she seemed very cool. The only thing that I learned about her that seemed strange was that she was 25 and lived in her mom’s basement. She didn’t go to college, and she no longer had a job. She also dressed like a 12 year old. I thought this was strange, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt because we had become good friends.

After knowing her for a month, my boyfriend’s friend from college invited us to come to the beach with him. Since the beach is about 2 hours away from my house, my mom insisted that I brought a friend with me. I invited H.

My boyfriend picked up H and I at 5 am so we would have plenty of time at the beach. H was fine at first, but after a while, she started to really get on our nerves. She had brought with her a book about Lizzie Borden (a women from the 1880s who apparently axed her parents to death). She kept talking about Lizzie Borden the whole way there. When we got to my boyfriend’s friend’s house, she continued to talk about the murderess. She would not stop talking about it the whole time we were at the beach either. She wined and complained if she didn’t get her way, and barely gave me any time to talk to my boyfriend.Every conversation had to be all about her, or Lizzie Borden. I could tell everyone was getting really annoyed and stressed out. When we were on our way home, it was getting dark. She continued to make jokes about Lizzie Borden, songs about Lizzie Borden, fantasies about Lizzie Borden. It was starting to freak me out.

That next week, we went to a living museum. The exhibits were mostly from the time that Lizzie Borden was around. Needless to say, it was not the best place to be with her. The whole day she acted very immaturely, fought with her mother over stupid things, and said and did little things to put me down. She made so many references to Lizzie Borden. They had a gift shop, and she even asked the workers at the store if there was any dresses from the 1880s because she wanted to dress up like Lizzie Borden. She wanted me to dress up like Lizzie Borden’s sister Emma. She didn’t find any dresses for that, thank goodness, and we went back to her house. I was really wanting to go home at that point. We were in her room in the basement and she said she wanted to reenact Lizzie Borden with me. I was really getting creeped out, so I told her that I thought it was time for me to go home because I had to take my sister somewhere (which was true). She was so angry she was shaking, and refused to bring me home. I texted my mom and told her to come and pick me up ASAP, and she did, just in time.

After that day, I explained to my family what had happened. Both my family and my boyfriend encouraged me to cut all forms of contact with H. I felt so terrible for doing it, but I blocked her on Facebook and on my phone. I felt bad because I knew I was the only friend she had, but I just didn’t feel safe around her anymore. The next day, my boyfriend blocked her as well, but before he did he read her status update where she said that she thought I was jealous of her. I was not by any means.

So I just want to know, did I do the right thing as a Catholic? If I didn’t, how could I fix it? It’s been two months since I cut contact with her, but I still feel bad about it sometimes. I don’t miss her, but I hope I didn’t hurt her. :confused:
 
She did not give you a lot of choice. She practically drove you away. Leaving was probably not just OK, but the right thing to do, even for her.

I’m sure you tried to convince her that she had crossed a line. She chose to reject your boundaries. Do not feel any guilt over making those real boundaries.If she had apologized profusely after doing any of this or showed any sign that she wanted to stay within boundaries that are respectful of other people, but struggles with a mental incapacity that makes that difficult for her, that would be different. As it is, I don’t think it helps her to enable her self-centeredness and self-indulgence, even if she is not entirely at fault for it because she has a mental difficulty. She is going to need to figure out by hard experience that friendship requires mutual effort and mutual respect. She can’t be any kind of friend to anyone if she does not start making an effort in that direction.

IOW, if you kept up a friendship under the terms that she does what she wants with no apology and you put up with it, you’d almost guarantee that you’d be the only person she’d ever be able to count as a friend, and she would never learn to be a true friend to anyone.

(BTW, if she comes to you crying in apology, don’t be taken in by crocodile tears. Insist on a real purpose of amendment. There is nothing that a manipulative person wants more than undeserved pity, and there is nothing worse for them, spiritually speaking. If you want her to help her get to heaven, don’t help her to continue in the same self-centeredness that she has shown you so far…)
 
Yeahhhh, I couldn’t be friends with someone who wanted to reenact Lizzie Borden with me. That’s definitely a no-go. I’m glad that you got out of her basement safely!
 
sounds like there are a number of things going on with her but her obsession with a possible ax murderer, (remember that the jury did not convert Lizzie Borden of the murder of her father and step-mother) is s ign of something amiss. I would certainly keep her in your prayers that she finds help and healing.
 
You did the right thing. Her obsession with Lizzie Borden is a huge red flag for some kind of mental illness and you do not have the skills to deal with that. Pray that she gets the help she needs before she acts out her fantasy and hurts someone.
 
Way right thing to do. Reading your account, I was getting creeped out. I appreciate that people can get over-enthusiastic about a new subject they’re learning about (I do that on occasion), but most people get when their audience isn’t interested and will tone it down/shut up about it. And was the beach trip a day trip? I could see taking a book along for reading down ‘down time’ for a weekend trip, but not for a day trip.

And wanting to re-enact it with you…okay, I am a re-enactor, and something about her idea just made me go, “Uhhhhhhh, run.”

Don’t be sorry. You’ve got to take care of your physical safety first and foremost. Something about this girl is off.

(Were I the girl’s mother, I’d be a bit nervous about her wanting to re-enact Lizzie Borden myself.)
 
robwar said:
sounds like there are a number of things going on with her but her obsession with a possible ax murderer, (remember that the jury did not convert Lizzie Borden of the murder of her father and step-mother)
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I actually had to go back and read up on Lizzie Borden. I knew the old rhyme “Lizzie Borden took an ax, and gave her mother 40 whacks”, but it occurred to me I couldn’t recall whether or not she’d been convicted.

I do vaguely remember Elizabeth Montgomery played her in a made-for-TV movie when I was little. I’d sat down in the room with my parents to watch it, thinking it was a “Bewitched” episode, and remember getting scared by a scene and leaving the room.
 
It does sound like a good decision to have made.

I don’t think you should hang around people you don’t feel safe with.

I think it’s best to dump the annoyance and the drama and move on.

I’ve had to do that, but for different reasons.
 
So, now you know why at 25 she is living with her parents, has no job, and has few friends. It is unfortunate that you ended up in such an awkward position. You did the right thing. She has some issues, which you are not responsible for and not equipped to handle on your own. Stay away from her.
 
1ke said:
…She has some issues, which you are not responsible for and not equipped to handle on your own. Stay away from her.
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Absolutely:
bluecookie8 said:
…fantasies about Lizzie Borden. It was starting to freak me out…she wanted to dress up like Lizzie Borden. She wanted me to dress up like Lizzie Borden’s sister Emma…we went back to her house. I** was really wanting to go home at that point**…in her room in the basement and she said she wanted to reenact Lizzie Borden with me.** I was really getting creeped out**, so I told her that I thought it was time for me to go…She was so angry she was shaking, and refused to bring me home. I texted my mom and told her to come and pick me up ASAP, and she did, just in time…After that day, I explained to my family what had happened. Both my family and my boyfriend encouraged me to cut all forms of contact with H…I just didn’t feel safe around her anymore. The next day, my boyfriend blocked her as well, but before he did he read her status update where she said that she thought I was jealous of her…
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OP, just in case you haven’t dared to believe it, this young woman has made the hair stand up on a lot of necks, and not just yours. Stay well away from this one. I hope her status on Facebook shows she has found someone new she can concentrate on very soon. The sooner she forgets about you, the better. If she ever understands the situation, believe us, she will not blame you one bit for getting yourself away from her! Until she does, do everything you can to simply stay off of her radar.
 
If by some chance you meet her somewhere by chance, and she wants to know what the problem is, then you need to explain to her that she was starting to frighten you by her actions, it seems obvious that she has issues, you did the right thing by ending the friendship, you certainly gave her a fair chance for friendship ,
 
Indigo_Cardinal said:
I actually had to go back and read up on Lizzie Borden. I knew the old rhyme “Lizzie Borden took an ax, and gave her mother 40 whacks”, but it occurred to me I couldn’t recall whether or not she’d been convicted.

I do vaguely remember Elizabeth Montgomery played her in a made-for-TV movie when I was little. I’d sat down in the room with my parents to watch it, thinking it was a “Bewitched” episode, and remember getting scared by a scene and leaving the room.
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it is truely a bizzare tale. I think it was thought that if she was convicted that she would have been given the death sentence and considering the culture and times, no jury wanted to sentence a women to death. Likewise the church she attended stood by her through the trial but when she was not convicted, she became shunned by the very people that previously supported her. I’ve seen some TV specials about it and one of the theories is that she stripped herself naked to kill her father and step-mother and that is why bloody clothes were never found. I think the ax was found down a shaft in the house. She and her sister inherited their father’s wealth and she died a lonely spinster.
 
Thank you everyone! 🙂 I was just hoping I hadn’t done the wrong thing by not explaining myself to her before I stopped being her friend. I just wish I could give her the help she needs right now because she thinks too highly of herself to consider getting help otherwise. But I will continue to stay away from her, and pray for her.

Yes, I am aware that Lizzie Borden was not convicted, I heard that multiple times from H haha. But since all of the movies depict her as the culprit, she is heavily associated with being a murderess. Even if she hadn’t killed her parents, she was not exactly someone to look up to…she did not do much with her life, that I know of.
 
Her actions are very frightening, and I was only reading your account on the whole matter, I couldn’t imagine going through it!
You definitely did the right thing. No person should feel unsafe. If she tries to reach out I honestly wouldn’t even bother giving her a response. You don’t need to justify yourself to her. Some people will look for any tiny opening and try to sneak in your life again. Avoid at all costs.
Glad you’re okay. Just pray for her.
 
bluecookie8 said:
Thank you everyone! 🙂 I was just hoping I hadn’t done the wrong thing by not explaining myself to her before I stopped being her friend. I just wish I could give her the help she needs right now because she thinks too highly of herself to consider getting help otherwise…
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Oh, gosh no. The more you describe her, the worse it sounds. No, you wanted to withdraw with the lowest amount of drama and direct rejection possible. Just back away very slowly and quietly. If she asks, you need to give her a non-accusatory and non-provocative answer. This girl’s problem might be anything from mere social backwardness all the way to a seriously dangerous personality. If she is the latter, the sooner she forgets you even exist, the better.
 
bluecookie8 said:
Should I warn other people of her?
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Who would you warn? I don’t think she did anything that rises quite to the level that you could tell the authorities. Her perseveration on a character like Lizzy Borden would give anyone the creeps, but she may mostly have an astonishing lack of emotional intelligence.

I suppose that if I knew someone who spent a lot of time with her, I’d warn them that you had been very uncomfortable at how angry this young woman got when you asked to be taken home because you weren’t into a Lizzy Borden re-enactment. If someone asks you why you don’t hang out with her, it is sufficient to say, “She got angry and wouldn’t take me home when I didn’t want to have anything to do with doing a Lizzy Borden re-enactment with her. Maybe it was harmless, but I don’t feel safe around her.” If she went to your school, I might tell a counsellor that I was concerned about her, because in that case you still have to go to school with her and are not so likely to drop off of her radar.

It is not charitable to spread unflattering information about someone, even if it is true, to those who have no need to know the information. It is not charitable to leap to the worst possible conclusion about what someone said or did. Having said that, what you were describing was not just the kind of thing that one would call a misunderstanding. She scared you, and if we had the perceptions you have, I think all of us here would be afraid, too. If you know someone who might want to befriend her, a warning that she has an unpredictable temper is in order. You don’t have to tell them “don’t be her friend” or “stay away from her.” You ought to say, “I had an experience where I didn’t feel safe around her. I would suggest you spend time with her in places where you’re not alone, just to be on the safe side.”
 
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