Just feel emotionally empty after annulment followed by a romantic dissapointment

[mellowcalico]

I am feeling kind of empty… and I think it’s for two reasons. I am not sure why I am posting this other than to see if anyone else has gone though or felt the same and might have some words of wisdom (or hope).

It’s been a long time in coming for me, but I finally received a Decree of Nullity from the Church.

A little background… I was married for 13 years, but it turned out my ex-husband was gay. He knew about it (I didn’t), but was trying to bury it/hide it, etc by marrying me. Eventually he came out of the closet and left me. I filed for divorce and then, after divorce, petitioned for an annulment though the Church. Back then, I was kind of full of hope… hope that I would get the annulment and be able to move on with my life. But the whole process (from the first meeting with a priest to the letter from the Diocese telling me my marriage was invalid) took just under four years (it will be four years this spring when my Ex left me). It was a long and soul wrenching process.

Waiting for letters from the Tribunal has been the focus of my getting the mail in the afternoon. I needed to know… was my marriage valid? But when I finally got that letter, it was anti-climatic. Like I didn’t really care deep down.

One other thing. I started dating a man… actually, we’ve been friends for years, but I started developing feelings for him during the annulment waiting process. And he gave me signals of romantic interest as well… like wanting to hug me a little longer than friends or watching me across the way or looking into my eyes, etc. I ran this by my priest too, in confession. He said I could be friends with this man, but shouldn’t do anything to compromise my Catholic Faith and, of course, I couldn’t marry unless I received an decree of nullity.

Then my decree came and I was able to open up to him. Things seemed to accelerate with this man… we acted like a couple, like boyfriend and girlfriend he’d hold me, kiss me, walked with his arm around me. We were definitely more than friends and it seemed he became more passionate. I was happy and I thought he was too.

But in time I noticed that even though he acted like a boyfriend when it was just us; when we were around his friends, he was very stand-offish. I noticed this and realized we never talked about our relationship and what we were. So I asked what he thought the nature of our relationship was and he said, “I don’t know. But let’s take it slow and see how things go because I don’t want to get hurt.” He added that I was “very special to him.” So basically, he told me I was nothing serious to him and and that I am not worth the risk of his getting hurt. That hit me like a bucket of cold water. I am so glad I never told him I felt that I was falling in love with him.

I am thinking about just ending the friendship or whatever it is. I already took the risk he’s unwilling to take and fell for him… and now I am hurt by it. Why let him hurt me more? How do you even end a non-relationship anyway? Just fade away?

I just feel empty now… the combination of the annulment and realizing that the feelings I was developing for this man are unrequited crushed my spirit. I think I just don’t care to date anymore. I just feel let down by the men I’ve known, so why meet another man who can let me down too and and probably deceive me as well? I know logically that’s unfair, but emotionally, it’s how I feel.

Anyone else go though this or something similar? Any advice for getting out of this slump?

 

[Xantippe]

mellowcalico said:

“But in time I noticed that even though he acted like a boyfriend when it was just us; when we were around his friends, he was very stand-offish. I noticed this and realized we never talked about our relationship and what we were. So I asked what he thought the nature of our relationship was and he said, “I don’t know. But let’s take it slow and see how things go because I don’t want to get hurt.” He added that I was “very special to him.” So basically, he told me I was nothing serious to him and and that I am not worth the risk of his getting hurt. That hit me like a bucket of cold water. I am so glad I never told him I felt that I was falling in love with him.”

I think you’re being a little unfair to him. I think “let’s take it slow” is actually OK. You’ve just gotten a decree of nullity. What’s not OK, though, is the vagueness and keeping your relationship (whatever it is) secret from his friends.

What you may want to do is to explain to him that if you are not exclusive and if you are not boyfriend and girlfriend, you are going to be seeing other people. And then do so. And don’t let him monopolize your time without exclusivity. See other people (maybe while continuing to see him) and fill up your life. And definitely don’t just hang out with him. If he wants to see you, he can take you out, in public, for well-defined activities. Stop being so convenient. And give yourself a mental deadline (4 to 6 months, for instance) by which time he needs to figure out what he wants. I think 6 months is more than generous.

Great screen name, by the way.

Best wishes!

 

[Della]

You are in mourning for two losses–your marriage and your relationship with a man in whom you had placed your hopes. It’s only natural that you feel down and disappointed.

This is not the time to make any major decisions. Let yourself go through the grieving process. You sound like you are in the denial stage–in which you don’t want to believe this is happening to you. It’s not fun, I know. I’ve been in relationships in which I too had had such high hopes only to be greatly disappointed. And I know how much it hurts. :console:

Give yourself time. Reacquaint yourself with yourself. Do things just for yourself. Get your nails done or a new hairdo. Go out with friends, if you feel like it. Be good to yourself and be content in your current state of life. God never leaves us in one state, but guides us on and up, and sometimes the process is hard, but it’s worth it.

Pray and go to Mass and just be friends with this man. Don’t put him off and don’t encourage him. Let him find his feet too. He sounds like he’s had some disappointments in love, as well. So be patient but don’t be exclusive with him. See friends and stay active.

All will be well in time. Just love God and do what he wants day to day and you will come to the point in which you can be happy again.

 

[Joie_de_Vivre]

I am feeling kind of empty… and I think it’s for two reasons. I am not sure why I am posting this other than to see if anyone else has gone though or felt the same and might have some words of wisdom (or hope).

It’s been a long time in coming for me, but I finally received a Decree of Nullity from the Church.

A little background… I was married for 13 years, but it turned out my ex-husband was gay. He knew about it (I didn’t), but was trying to bury it/hide it, etc by marrying me. Eventually he came out of the closet and left me. I filed for divorce and then, after divorce, petitioned for an annulment though the Church. Back then, I was kind of full of hope… hope that I would get the annulment and be able to move on with my life. But the whole process (from the first meeting with a priest to the letter from the Diocese telling me my marriage was invalid) took just under four years (it will be four years this spring when my Ex left me). It was a long and soul wrenching process.

Waiting for letters from the Tribunal has been the focus of my getting the mail in the afternoon. I needed to know… was my marriage valid? But when I finally got that letter, it was anti-climatic. Like I didn’t really care deep down.

One other thing. I started dating a man… actually, we’ve been friends for years, but I started developing feelings for him during the annulment waiting process. And he gave me signals of romantic interest as well… like wanting to hug me a little longer than friends or watching me across the way or looking into my eyes, etc. I ran this by my priest too, in confession. He said I could be friends with this man, but shouldn’t do anything to compromise my Catholic Faith and, of course, I couldn’t marry unless I received an decree of nullity.

Then my decree came and I was able to open up to him. Things seemed to accelerate with this man… we acted like a couple, like boyfriend and girlfriend he’d hold me, kiss me, walked with his arm around me. We were definitely more than friends and it seemed he became more passionate. I was happy and I thought he was too.

But in time I noticed that even though he acted like a boyfriend when it was just us; when we were around his friends, he was very stand-offish. I noticed this and realized we never talked about our relationship and what we were. So I asked what he thought the nature of our relationship was and he said, “I don’t know. But let’s take it slow and see how things go because I don’t want to get hurt.” He added that I was “very special to him.” So basically, he told me I was nothing serious to him and and that I am not worth the risk of his getting hurt. That hit me like a bucket of cold water. I am so glad I never told him I felt that I was falling in love with him.

I am thinking about just ending the friendship or whatever it is. I already took the risk he’s unwilling to take and fell for him… and now I am hurt by it. Why let him hurt me more? How do you even end a non-relationship anyway? Just fade away?

I just feel empty now… the combination of the annulment and realizing that the feelings I was developing for this man are unrequited crushed my spirit. I think I just don’t care to date anymore. I just feel let down by the men I’ve known, so why meet another man who can let me down too and and probably deceive me as well? I know logically that’s unfair, but emotionally, it’s how I feel.

Anyone else go though this or something similar? Any advice for getting out of this slump?

A lot of guys are terrible at discussing their feelings, he may have simply said it poorly.

 

[Havard]

A lot of guys are terrible at discussing their feelings, he may have simply said it poorly.

Either way, what he said was pretty bad, but you’re right that there’s a chance he didn’t mean exactly what he said.

@mellowcalico, did he offer anything to explain or mitigate his “it’s not worth my getting hurt” comment? Is it possible that’s not what he really meant?

 

[mellowcalico]

Thanks… good advice from both of you. Thank you.

The going slow doesn’t bother me so much except that it’s not really true. Things have moved pretty quickly since the annulment, but only in private. In public (meaning in front of his friends) it’s as if we are just friends still. He takes me out on public dates though (to restaurants and such) but it’s always secret and far from his friends. Or we go to his place, cuddle on the couch and watch a movie. The secrecy bothers me.

I see parallels to warning signs I missed with my Ex. My Ex was the opposite though. He was very much into publicly showing his love an affection, but privately cold. With him, it was an act to hide his same sex attraction. I chose to ignore it and look where it lead me. I don’t know what this other man is trying to hide, but I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes.

Well, I am in no rush to see anyone else. I really don’t care to. I suppose I can wait things out a few more months to give him “time”–but I can’t see things changing much. Whatever hang up he has about being “a couple” isn’t going to just go away. In the meantime, I will be less available–leave things in his court as far as planning dates, etc.

For now, I guess I will focus on prayer, exercise and reading. All my hobbies seem to be outdoor, summer hobbies (probably doesn’t help my current “blues”). You know what I really need? A vacation or a quiet retreat someplace to just clear my head and my heart.

 

[tawny]

Praying for you.

 

[mellowcalico]

Either way, what he said was pretty bad, but you’re right that there’s a chance he didn’t mean exactly what he said.

@mellowcalico, did he offer anything to explain or mitigate his “it’s not worth my getting hurt” comment? Is it possible that’s not what he really meant?

He just said he “didn’t want to get hurt.” I am the one who feels that he sees me as “not worth it.” I know his history and he’s been broken hearted before. His fiancee left him right after he proposed–that was 8 years ago and he hasn’t had a girlfriend since. Before that he had a string of girlfriends who left him (or cheated on him) as well. The reason they gave him was, “he was too good for them.” I found this out when I told him a few months ago that I thought he was a good man and he became upset with me for saying that… then he explained why. He told me to never call him a good man. I haven’t since then.

But I’ll tell you what, he has a way of making a woman feel insignificant, like they aren’t “good enough” for him. It’s exactly how I feel now–I am not good enough and never will be. So I have to be a secret. Maybe he did the same thing to those past girlfriends that he’s doing to me now. (Although I should note, I am not his girlfriend. In his words, he doesn’t know what I am other than “special”).

 

[Joie_de_Vivre]

He just said he “didn’t want to get hurt.” I am the one who feels that he sees me as “not worth it.” I know his history and he’s been broken hearted before. His fiancee left him right after he proposed–that was 8 years ago and he hasn’t had a girlfriend since. Before that he had a string of girlfriends who left him (or cheated on him) as well. The reason they gave him was, “he was too good for them.” I found this out when I told him a few months ago that I thought he was a good man and he became upset with me for saying that… then he explained why. He told me to never call him a good man. I haven’t since then.

But I’ll tell you what, he has a way of making a woman feel insignificant, like they aren’t “good enough” for him. It’s exactly how I feel now–I am not good enough and never will be. So I have to be a secret. Maybe he did the same thing to those past girlfriends that he’s doing to me now. (Although I should note, I am not his girlfriend. In his words, he doesn’t know what I am other than “special”).

It sounds like he has been hurt in the past by relationships and so wants to go slower. Is that unreasonable from a man who sounds like he has had his heart broken repeatedly?

 

[Havard]

He just said he “didn’t want to get hurt.” I am the one who feels that he sees me as “not worth it.” I know his history and he’s been broken hearted before. His fiancee left him right after he proposed–that was 8 years ago and he hasn’t had a girlfriend since. Before that he had a string of girlfriends who left him (or cheated on him) as well. The reason they gave him was, “he was too good for them.” I found this out when I told him a few months ago that I thought he was a good man and he became upset with me for saying that… then he explained why. He told me to never call him a good man. I haven’t since then.

But I’ll tell you what, he has a way of making a woman feel insignificant, like they aren’t “good enough” for him. It’s exactly how I feel now–I am not good enough and never will be. So I have to be a secret. Maybe he did the same thing to those past girlfriends that he’s doing to me now. (Although I should note, I am not his girlfriend. In his words, he doesn’t know what I am other than “special”).

Okay, in my opinion then, he’s definitely not treating you the way you deserve to be treated. It’s sad that bad things happened to him, but that doesn’t change the fact that he has a completely self-centered attitude toward relationships with women, and yours specifically.

Please don’t settle for anything less than a man who makes you feel truly special. :hug3:

 

[Della]

Okay, in my opinion then, he’s definitely not treating you the way you deserve to be treated. It’s sad that bad things happened to him, but that doesn’t change the fact that he has a completely self-centered attitude toward relationships with women, and yours specifically.

Please don’t settle for anything less than a man who makes you feel truly special. :hug3:

I completely agree with this.

 

[mellowcalico]

It sounds like he has been hurt in the past by relationships and so wants to go slower. Is that unreasonable from a man who sounds like he has had his heart broken repeatedly?

No, it’s not unreasonable. But he’s also known me for years… I’ve never once hurt him, betrayed him or his trust (or anyone really). You’d think that would count for something. And why do I have to be a secret? His friends are already pressuring me asking me if there is anything between us. Luckily, I’ve been able to satisfy them with a half joke saying, “I am not his girlfriend…I’m his mistress. Shhh. Don’t tell anyone.”

I’ll let him control the pace, and give him more time. That’s fair enough and I can do that and think he’s worth it. But it’s also not fair to me either to wait indefinitely–it hurts. Sure, his feelings are being spared, but it’s tearing apart my own. My heart feels broken now–every time he acts like I don’t matter at all–and my attraction to him is fading because of it–and that I can’t help or control.

 

[Havard]

It sounds like he has been hurt in the past by relationships and so wants to go slower. Is that unreasonable from a man who sounds like he has had his heart broken repeatedly?

When a man is broken-hearted and wants to move slowly, there’s nothing wrong with that. But he’s holding her, kissing her, etc. in private, but won’t do that in public. As a man, that strikes me as a different kind of hangup, but it’s not my place to speculate. I will say though that while it’s okay to “take things slowly”, it’s not okay to have to put up with someone that makes you feel like you’re not good enough.

 

[Della]

No, it’s not unreasonable. But he’s also known me for years… I’ve never once hurt him, betrayed him or his trust (or anyone really). You’d think that would count for something. And why do I have to be a secret? His friends are already pressuring me asking me if there is anything between us. Luckily, I’ve been able to satisfy them with a half joke saying, “I am not his girlfriend…I’m his mistress. Shhh. Don’t tell anyone.”

I’ll let him control the pace, and give him more time. That’s fair enough and I can do that and think he’s worth it. But it’s also not fair to me either to wait indefinitely–it hurts. Sure, his feelings are being spared, but it’s tearing apart my own. My heart feels broken now–every time he acts like I don’t matter at all–and my attraction to him is fading because of it–and that I can’t help or control.

If all the women in his life left him, on one pretext or another, it’s not for nothing. He sounds like he is the one who has to be satisfied that “she” (whoever she will be) has to measure up to some standard he’s set for whoever she will be. That never works out. If he can’t see your good qualities and be happy, he never will be. Let him go. There are other good men out there. Besides, I think you need time to yourself–to find what it is you want, what you need. Concentrate on your own needs for now. Let whatever comes come and trust in God. I wish you all the best. God bless you.

 

[revert_jen]

Is it possible that he is pulling back a little from the relationship for exactly the reason that he says–he is afraid of getting hurt?

I mean, he may be looking at the situation and thinking, “you know, I really care for this woman, but she is hurting from her marriage, rebounding from just having received the annulment, and may not be in the best mindset for deciding it’s time for a new relationship. If we take it slow, then she has time to see whether it is really me she cares for, or whether she is just entering the first possible relationship since her marriage. I’d like her to do that before completely putting my heart on the line.”

It sounds pretty reasonable to me. It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t think you’re worth it, just that the situation is not objectively promising. If he hasn’t dated in 8 years, that means that he probably was badly hurt, and is afraid of dating in general. Besides that, it is prudent to cautious with someone who is just newly available to date. Its not necessarily that he refuses to fall, he just wants a bit more reassurance that you would catch him.

It’s weird that he is behaving differently in public than in private. It might be because it really is difficult to take a relationship slowly when you have a lot of mutual friends who think of you as a couple. It might be because he doesn’t want to be seen as taking advantage of someone who might be thought to be vulnerable. Or possibly, he’s just a jerk, in which case you are better off without him. But if you have known him a long time, wouldn’t you have noticed that before now? Maybe he is thinking that because he hasn’t ever betrayed you or hurt you, you might give him the benefit of the doubt?

I think taking things slowly for a while is a good idea. Some sort of retreat might be a good idea for you, or maybe visiting a long-term female friend so you could talk about things a bit. Take some time to think of yourself as an individual person again–not as a component of a relationship (non-sacramental marriage or dating relationship).

It’s hard to say, since I don’t know either of you at all. I’m just playing, I guess, “angel’s advocate” and looking at the positive things that he might mean.

But if he’s really hurting you already, and you’re not even boyfriend/girlfriend, maybe it just isn’t right, and you should try to go back to being friends. It doesn’t mean he isn’t a good person, just that you aren’t right for each other romantically.

I hope God gives you comfort in your time of distress.

–Jen

 

[anonymous_in_fl]

Definitely do not make yourself “exclusive” with this guy---- if you find other attractive men who are open and available, go for it! It sounds like this guy, in his own way, is telling you to not expect an exclusive relationship from him.

 

[Havard]

Mellowcalico deserves clarity. Kissing and snuggling in an open-ended/undetermined kind of relationship isn’t good for either party. If a grown man isn’t willing to define a relationship, with marriage at least in mind as the ultimate goal, don’t just “wait and see”, cut off all romantic gestures until he’s ready to make it an honest go of things.

 

[mellowcalico]

Thanks everyone.

Here’s what I am getting from this (and I think I can do this).

Give him more time, but let go and leave the ball in his court. Stop pursuing him. Have a definite date in mind when I throw in the towel (I am thinking July 1–about 6 months). Although I am not looking for anyone else… if someone else “does” come along, in the meantime, give it a shot because I am not in a exclusive relationship. In the meantime (since it’s all in his court) I will work on finding myself.

I am taking off time from work on Feb 14. I will send him a card, but I think I will spend the weekend with my mom (she’s a widow and could use the company since my dad died right before St. Valentines Day). It’s not exactly spending time with a girlfriend, but my mom is good company and pretty wise if you ask me.

PS- I don’t think he’s a jerk. I really meant it when I said he’s a good man. His kindness, generosity, friendliness, ambition, and good nature are all part of the reason I fell for him. But there is something very damaged about him when it comes to romantic relationships.

 

[Joie_de_Vivre]

Thanks everyone.

Here’s what I am getting from this (and I think I can do this).

Give him more time, but let go and leave the ball in his court. Stop pursuing him. Have a definite date in mind when I throw in the towel (I am thinking July 1–about 6 months). Although I am not looking for anyone else… if someone else “does” come along, in the meantime, give it a shot because I am not in a exclusive relationship. In the meantime (since it’s all in his court) I will work on finding myself.

I am taking off time from work on Feb 14. I will send him a card, but I think I will spend the weekend with my mom (she’s a widow and could use the company since my dad died right before St. Valentines Day). It’s not exactly spending time with a girlfriend, but my mom is good company and pretty wise if you ask me.

PS- I don’t think he’s a jerk. I really meant it when I said he’s a good man. His kindness, generosity, friendliness, ambition, and good nature are all part of the reason I fell for him. But there is something very damaged about him when it comes to romantic relationships.

That sounds quite reasonable.

 

[Mr_Clean]

Praying for you.