Just had to vent about cohabitating

[Kevin42]

You have no reason to be angry, so I pray that you can get past that. You have no idea what is in their heart, and what has happened to them to cause them to live this way. No matter the case though, this is between them and God, and it should not cause you to be distracted from your own spiritual journey by causing such anger. I suggest perhaps you look inwards and see if there is anything in you that is upsetting you. Perhaps you are just projecting anger at yourself, or something that has happened to you onto other people. I haven’t really read any of the other posts, but my advice is to stop venting and start praying. I will pray for you, along with these other people. Please pray for me as well. Peace be with you, and God bless.

 

[jmcrae]

Please pray for me not to be so mean spirited. Keep me from self pity.

I bumped into a long-time friend that I haven’t seen in about two months. She informed me that she and her boyfriend are moving in together by late summer.

They were just so happy, holding hands and smiling. She told me she was surprised at all the gifts people are giving them, dishes, a new car, towels and furniture.

Almost like they think there ought to be a wedding, or something, beforehand.

For some reason, I just stopped being sad for her and for all the people I know who live like this. I used to have these feelings that I should pray and feel sorry for them because ultimately they are hurting themselves.

Now I just feel angry inside. I feel like I am struggling so hard, working two jobs, going to school, saving every penny, stretching out my engagement to do the right thing. We are delaying everything until we can be responsible parents. My family is too poor and I am too proud to expect any type of gifts from them at the wedding. Everything is going to be for the long haul and sometimes it’s just plain hard. I found myself feeling bitter.

Not a good thing! Anyways, I just had to vent. I felt just unnerved that they could traipse along into happiness like that. lol.

Yes, it is very hard to be the good girl, when the bad girls get all the good gifts in this world.

But the world loves the bad girls, and praises them, because bad girls lower the standards for everyone, and make it okay for everyone to sin. After all, if she can’t wait for marriage, then it must be impossible to live up to such a high standard - therefore, I’m okay in my sins. After all, God can’t expect the impossible, can He?

But you hold the world to a higher standard. You show what’s possible to do in God’s will. So the world doesn’t like you very much. It doesn’t shower gifts on you, because you make it uncomfortable - uneasy in its sins. After all, if you can attain God’s standards, then maybe they aren’t so okay in their sins. Maybe God does expect us to reach higher.

 

[marybee]

Yeah, I can’t stand it either. My BIL has lived with his GF for a number of years and so we have the same “status” in DH’s parents mind!. We both get the same gift every year for Xmas, Bdays etc.

As if marriage and raising their grandkids doesn’t mean anything or make a difference to anyone!

 

[GregoryPalamas]

Yeah, I can’t stand it either. My BIL has lived with his GF for a number of years and so we have the same “status” in DH’s parents mind!. We both get the same gift every year for Xmas, Bdays etc.

As if marriage and raising their grandkids doesn’t mean anything or make a difference to anyone!

My sons knew that they would not ever be welcomed to bring a girl into the house to sleep with them, not would a shack up arrangement be honored by us. They knew it from the age of puberty. They developed a strong attachment to God and Jesus Christ very early on so it was easy for them to choose God, and mom and dad over their immediate passions.

CDL

 

[Eliza10]

…I bumped into a long-time friend that I haven’t seen in about two months. She informed me that she and her boyfriend are moving in together by late summer.

They were just so happy, holding hands and smiling. She told me she was surprised at all the gifts people are giving them, dishes, a new car, towels and furniture.

…Now I just feel angry inside. I feel like I am struggling so hard, working two jobs, going to school, saving every penny, stretching out my engagement to do the right thing. We are delaying everything until we can be responsible parents. My family is too poor and I am too proud to expect any type of gifts from them at the wedding. Everything is going to be for the long haul and sometimes it’s just plain hard. I found myself feeling bitter.

Not a good thing! Anyways, I just had to vent. I felt just unnerved that they could traipse along into happiness like that. lol.

Its good to express your anger. I really understand it too. I have a good friend (in another city) who enjoys dating with no restricions save what she feels like. Also she had an intense affair at the end of her marraige that was the catalyst to break up her bad marraige (she really carried the whole load for the family; he really did freeload on her, plus it came out that he had had affairs). I felt jealous of the affair, because of her happiness, because I have to avoid occasions for that kind of happiness. I was angry because my life of abstinance seemed so boring next to hers of excitment that was putting a great glow on her face; I feel it made Catholicism seem a bad choice to her.

After my divorce, I felt so alone and overwhelmed with my new life as a single mother. I looked to the other single mothers whom I met who were managing okay for a glimmer of hope that it would get better for me when I got used to it. But all the happy peaceful ones had boyfriends! Usually live-in ones! It was discouraging, and it seemed unfair.

But I think that in general, in life, those who don’t play by the rules, who lie, and cheat and steal, do get ahead. At first. The prince of this world rewards those who head down his path - he wants to keep them on it. Then he can withdraw his worldly gifts when they are well established in his way. Thats one thing that can be counted on. What looks like a path of roses and dreams does not end that way if its not God’s way.

Those who have turned their back on God cannot ask and count on getting what you can ask for - His peace, peace that passes all understanding. I have to avert my eyes from those who are livng happily in sin, and turn my eyes to God and ask him to give me His Peace. He does, and He is the one who puts the glow on my face.

I know if you give God your anger and bitterness, and keep giving it to him whenever it comes, he will sooth it. Good for you for doing the right thing with your fiance. I think it is getting harder and harder for young couples these days to settle. Good for you for your efforts. God is with you.

…http://chicagowildernessmag.org/issues/spring2004/images/brownell_path.jpg
… Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.

 

[Norseman82]

That’s seriously harsh and un Christianlike with the name calling.

Says who?
St. Paul called Cretans drunkards, and Jesus called the Pharisees “broods of vipers” and hypocrites (and don’t even get me started on some of the nuns I’ve had in school!).

I agree with the other poster - we need to bring the stigmas back!

OP, I feel your pain, and I think you’ve EARNED the right to be indignant. In fact, I think we need MORE people expressing their indignation. Besides, sometimes you need a little validation to get through the day; just don’t let it go so deep that you turn into the poster girl for anger management classes or let it harm the good relationship you have with your fiancee.

Just out of curiosity, you mentioned that your parish priest said “no” to marrying you and your fiancee. Why was that, if I may ask? That seems strange.

 

[Kevin42]

Also remember much of the time Jesus was with people just like this couple. Ask yourself how he would act towards this couple, and that is how you should act. Peace!

 

[Kevin42]

Also remember much of the time Jesus was with people just like this couple. (Remember the woman that was about to be stoned.) Ask yourself how he would act towards this couple, and that is how you should act. Peace!

 

[Katie1723]

God bless you for your faithfulness to God. Those who whore around before marriage and get gifts for doing so have their reward already. Both of my sons and our eventual DILs were faced with the pressures and temptations that seem ever more powerfully put upon young people. But they resisted and are now happily married.

BTW Why wait a year?

CDL

The name calling isn’t necessary. NOT living together before marriage is no guarantee that it will work out either.
Kathy

 

[jmcrae]

The name calling isn’t necessary. NOT living together before marriage is no guarantee that it will work out either.
Kathy

Sure, they may break up before the wedding takes place, but neither of them is going to be left homeless, or stuck with a child to raise, if they do.

 

[Norseman82]

Also remember much of the time Jesus was with people just like this couple. (Remember the woman that was about to be stoned.) Ask yourself how he would act towards this couple, and that is how you should act. Peace!

Yeah, but He converted them. In the sentence after he told the woman caught in adultery that He does not condemn her, He then said to avoid that sin.

Sometimes silence serves as a tacit approval, and telling someone they are sinning sometimes only causes even HARSHER arguments and reactions with even more “unChristlike” language being flung around.

I’m a realist. The “pretty please” approach does not always work.

 

[Katie1723]

Sure, they may break up before the wedding takes place, but neither of them is going to be left homeless, or stuck with a child to raise, if they do.

Breakups occur no matter what. But no one is “stuck with a child”
Kathy

 

[Kevin42]

Yeah, but He converted them. In the sentence after he told the woman caught in adultery that He does not condemn her, He then said to avoid that sin.

Sometimes silence serves as a tacit approval, and telling someone they are sinning will only cause even HARSHER arguments and reactions with even more “unChristlike” language being flung around.

I’m a realist. The “pretty please” approach does not always work.

I am certainly in agreement that it is charitable to tell people when they are in grave sin (it is in the Bible). After all, if we love someone, we should care about the state of their eternal soul! I just think it’s important to keep all perspectives in mind. Perhaps this friend is just at the “pre-converted” stage in her life. Anything done out of charity for God, whether it be active compassion, or a simple reprimand should be good though. That’s the only thing I was trying to stress…we should do things out of charity-not simply anger.

 

[Katie1723]

…we should do things out of charity-not simply anger.

Makes sense to me. Oftentimes we are so quick to judge.
Kathy

 

[Norseman82]

Perhaps this friend is just at the “pre-converted” stage in her life.

No, Kevin, post# 18 states that this was her “Catholic playmate” growing up. She should know better.

 

[Kevin42]

No, Kevin, post# 18 states that this was her “Catholic playmate” growing up. She should know better.

Well that’s my fault for being too lazy to read this whole thread . Everyone (or at least many of us) get lost along the way though.

I would be hopeful since it seems she was raised Catholic. Jesus does everything He can to bring the lost sheep back to the fold. Keep her in your prayers. It may take years, but I am sure she will come around sooner or later…(ok, maybe MUCH later…but late is better than never)

 

[KCtheMommy]

I just want to send you a great big hug. I know how frustrating it is. Recently I HAD (being the operative word since I had to dismiss her) a friend who went from boyfriend to boyfriend, getting an abortion in between as birth control, meanwhile lying, cheating and just being plain old BAD. Living with said boyfriends. The last one converted to Catholicism to marry her. She left him for another “Catholic” who happens to be a cop. Moved in with him because he has the bigger, nicer house (oh and he didn’t have a boyfriend he co-owned the house with.) in the nicer neighborhood. They are said to be married this year sometime. We will NOT be attending.

I have come full-circle the opposite of you. What I mean is, I had been gone for three years (husband is Navy) and when I came back it was to an absolute train wreck. I was disgusted, I was angry, but then I have come to feel sorry for her. She is on the verge of a nervous break-down. All that sinning, lying, cheating, screwing even her closest “friends” over, asking others to lie for her, playing games and hurting people who love her the most. Well now I just feel sorry for her. Her business is collapsing. She looks like heck-in-a-handbasket, I mean tore UP. Meanwhile she goes to Mass, takes her communion like nothing ever happened, and it’s destroying her. I DO FEEL SORRY FOR HER. However, I cannot subject my family to her fits, tantrums, breakdowns, screaming sessions, etc. I love her in my way, but from FAR AWAY for now. The cop boyfriend only exasperates the “problem” as she uses him and the police to try and get away with the most obnoxious behavior. It’s heinous. I pray for her daily.

You sound like such a GOOD person. Not even accepting gifts because it would put your family out. But maybe they want to be a little put out? Just a little bit.

It’s human that you feel bitter. I guess I inserted my own mini-vent to say that eventually this kinda thing comes back to bite people in their behinds in it’s own way. So your patience and prudence WILL PAY OFF to you in it’s own way. (Who buys a CAR for someone who is moving in with a BOYFRIEND exactly?) Envy is a sin. It’s a human sin and you know how to deal with it properly. Including admitting and accepting it for what it is. This vent probably helped tremendously already!

So I send you big hugs, prayers for patience, and for GRATITUDE, because the way you are handling things will be it’s just reward – you just have yet to see it. I promise it’s there. We have struggled too, and I wouldn’t change it for the newest Mercedes Benz and fancy plates in the world! But it’s coming full circle for us. We aren’t rich, but we are comfy. Our kids eat and dress well. More importantly: strong faith, ten years of marriage and a full house has made us the happiest people.

God Bless.

 

[jmcrae]

Breakups occur no matter what. But no one is “stuck with a child”
Kathy

You are right; we need to love the child regardless of the circumstances of his or her birth. Nevertheless, one of them is going to become a single parent, which is all I meant.

 

[Norseman82]

If she isn’t a Christian why should she be kept to Christian values.

Because if I have to obey the rules, EVERYONE does.

Besides, there is a thing called “natural law” - the “law of God written on the hearts of men”.

 

[hasikelee]

You know, venting did help, just by allowing me to acknowledge my stress and feelings.

I do love her deeply. She was my closest friend and her boyfriend is a nice guy. I remember when we were young, we talked about abstinence. We promised each other to be virgins and get married on the same day. Obviously, that was the romance of youth. But it hurt to hear her take this step. And she was beaming, as if she expected me to congratulate her.

I didn’t hurt her feelings or mistreat her. But it gave me such an odd feeling. Sometimes I wonder if it all really matters, KWIM?

Random aside: I do keep them in my prayers now. She can’t be resting with a peaceful heart. They use NFP as their contraception. lol! I believe there must be hope.