just married and husband does not want sex

[patientone]

PS- It’s understandable that libidos between spouses can vary, but it shouldn’t be “weird” for a married couple to talk about their marital obligations. Not being open to discussion of one’s spouse’s needs seems more “weird”.

 

[TMC]

There is only one way to measure if the amount of sex your partner wants is OK – is it the same amount you want, whether thats once a day or once a year. If your needs on this differ, you need to address it. If it continues to bother you and he is not comfortable talking about it, consider couples counseling. He may be able to talk to a counseler about (maybe without you there) and work up enough understanding or courage to talk to you about it.

And remember that the key to a good and happy marriage is to keep trying. I don’t care how much you love each other, its work.

Keep working. Good luck.

 

[ChristineML]

I agree that sex EVERY DAY is an unrealistic expectation long-term, but I also agree that it’s too early to tell WHAT or IF there is a problem. What concerns me is the husband’s unwillingness or perhaps mere discomfort discussing his wife’s concern. I agree it should be done outside of lovemaking and outside the bedroom during a relaxed moment, but I have an additional suggestion: Would he be more comfortable reading and writing about this delicate, uncomfortable subject instead of discussing it face to face?

My husband and I went through Engaged Encounter marriage preparation, and we learned to take time to pray and think about how we feel and then write things down – carefully, gently, lovingly – so the other person could read and respond in private. (I believe this is the same procedure that Marriage Encounter uses.) This kind of love letter / shared journaling may be more comfortable for some folks, and it can enrich a marriage with compliments and praise, not just discussing concerns, and it’s neat to look through journals years later and see how far you’ve come as a couple. For other folks it may seem artificial and contrived, so it’s not for everyone, I guess.

Best wishes.

 

[MooCowSteph]

Everyone’s libido is different. Clearly it seems like the OP has a slightly more active one than her husband. It’s just one of the many compromises we must make in marriage. You want it everyday, he, maybe a few times a week. A few times a week is still a good bit of sex, IMO. You just need to get him to talk a little about it, not make a big deal of it, and both compromise a little. Maybe he agrees more than he otherwise would, and you inititate a little less than every night. Not sure if that was helpful, but I’m tired

 

[BlestOne]

I too was in a marriage where the “man” didn’t want sex. It is very damaging to the self esteem! OP, I am very sorry that you are in this situation! My suggestion is to get counseling for yourself above all. It very well could be a temporary thing, and I pray it is in your case… my experience was different. I ended up scheduling children to have sex… not the right way to go about it, but I admit, I was desperate! If you want to contact me please feel free to PM me and I will answer any questions I can.

 

[Jennifer0929]

Thanks for all the replies. I’ll try to answer all the questions I saw. We both work. I’m an attorney, but I now work from home telecommuting, I think they call it. He works in a family business. Apparently, they are very busy right now. He did work late every day last week.

I’m 28, he’s 39. I know that sounds like a big age difference, but he looks and acts very young.

I like the journaling idea as well as the marriage retreat idea. I was actually thinking of looking for a retreat. We did a three day marriage prep retreat that we both enjoyed. So, I think he would be up for that. I think he would scoff at the journaling, but who knows.

Someone mentioned letting the hunter hunt and not be so available. I was kind of thinking that, too. would flannel pjs and a mud mask be taking it too far?

Someone asked maybe he’s scared of hurting me. That’s a possibility. I did have a myomectomy (basically, a c-section to remove a fybroid tumor) in early May and ended up with a post-op infection that had me hospitalized for a while. I know that scared him and maybe he’s afraid of causing some kind of damage. Maybe a clearance letter from my doc would help. lol

Maybe just leaving the issue alone is the way to go. He did initiate last night, so it’s not like he’s not interested at all. thank goodness!

 

[JRKH]

Thanks for all the replies. I’ll try to answer all the questions I saw. We both work. I’m an attorney, but I now work from home telecommuting, I think they call it. He works in a family business. Apparently, they are very busy right now. He did work late every day last week.

**I’m 28, he’s 39. I know that sounds like a big age difference, but he looks and acts very young. **

I like the journaling idea as well as the marriage retreat idea. I was actually thinking of looking for a retreat. We did a three day marriage prep retreat that we both enjoyed. So, I think he would be up for that. I think he would scoff at the journaling, but who knows.

Someone mentioned letting the hunter hunt and not be so available. I was kind of thinking that, too. would flannel pjs and a mud mask be taking it too far?

Someone asked maybe he’s scared of hurting me. That’s a possibility. I did have a myomectomy (basically, a c-section to remove a fybroid tumor) in early May and ended up with a post-op infection that had me hospitalized for a while. I know that scared him and maybe he’s afraid of causing some kind of damage. Maybe a clearance letter from my doc would help. lol

Maybe just leaving the issue alone is the way to go. He did initiate last night, so it’s not like he’s not interested at all. thank goodness!

I’m Glad you found the responses helpful.
I highlighted the age thing because this could be a big factor. Don’t get me wrong, my DW is 16 years older than I and we have a terrific relationship in all areas

You are working at home which, I presume, means little or no commuting. (I refer to it as the "bunny slipper commute’)
He has a commute to deal with plus you said he is working long hours lately.
Working from home means less and/or different kinds of socializing than someone who works outside the home. It may be that you are craving human interaction while he is tired of it.

All of these things can be subtle and annoying but you both appear to be mature well educated people so things should work out eventually.

Blessings

James

 

[patientone]

It sounds like you are on your your way then…

Best wishes

 

[1ke]

He works in a family business. Apparently, they are very busy right now. He did work late every day last week.

I’m 28, he’s 39. I know that sounds like a big age difference, but he looks and acts very young.

Busy at work, and approaching 40. He is not a 19 year old-- he may not be able to have intercourse every night. For some men this is a physical thing, it just takes more time in between.

Maybe just leaving the issue alone is the way to go. He did initiate last night, so it’s not like he’s not interested at all. thank goodness!

I don’t think there’s a problem at all. He seems like a normal 40 year old man with responsibility at work and a new marriage to adjust to.

 

[Jay2]

You’re 28 (newly married, can finally uh, you know, & “peaking” physically/sexually)
He’s 39 (newly married & 20yrs. past his physical/sexual peak - looking & acting young are one thing, performing are another)

I’d be cautious about the “does not want sex” statement. A heavy work-load with it’s inherant stress (especially with a family-owned business and it’s inherant obligations), a new marriage and it’s stress, and then your desires as husband & wife…

I’m 40+, and frankly the “mind is willing, but the flesh is weak”. Trust me, I wanna!, but there are just times when it ain’t gonna happen - regardless of the circumstances or how hard my wife tries.

 

[whatevergirl]

My husband is 48, I’m 38…and he has a great sex drive. I think that it just depends on the person. Age can be a general determinant of sex, but everyone is individual and a broad brush can’t be applied to all.

 

[whatevergirl]

My husband and I were married September 29. We abstained before marriage, and I thought we would be so excited to be able to be with each other once we were married. I anticipated being intimate at least once a day. But, it hasn’t been that way. I make sure I look nice every night when he comes home, and I’ve even gone to bed with a cute nightie on, and he just rolls over and goes to sleep. I tried to talk to him about it, but he says it makes it “weird” to talk about it.

During our honeymoon, things seemed pretty good. But, since we’ve gotten home, he can go several days without trying to initiate intimacy. I told him that I don’t like being the initiator, and he said that he doesn’t like for the woman to be the initiator. So, why isn’t he initiating?

I feel like I do my part, and he needs to take the ball and run. I can’t talk to him because he gets angry and says it’s “weird” to talk about it. What can I do? I want to be wanted by my husband. He definitely desired me when we were dating. I had to push him off all the time. Now that we’re married and it’s encouraged to be intimate, it seems like he has no interest. Any suggestions on what to do?

It’s possible that he is ‘stuck’ in the mode he was in when you were both dating…pursuing you, but you both agreed to wait until marriage. I would give it some time…it’s not like you’re into one year or so into your marriage, and this is still taking place. If it continues, and you feel that talking it out isn’t working, then counseling should take place. Marriage isn’t about sex, but a sexless marriage isn’t healthy, either. I’ll pray for you both!

 

[deb1]

I don’t think that their libido is an issue so much as his refusal to talk.

When the OP stated that her husband said that discussing sex was ‘weird’, I imagined that he was in his early twenties and just a bit immature.

If I was the OP I would talk to my husband, not about his lack of sex drive, but about his unwillingness to discuss it. Does discussing sex in general make him uncomfortable? Or is he just embarrased because he is too tired to perform? If he is embarrased then simply assure him that you don’t feel any less respect for him if he can’t perform. If he is too embarrased to discuss sex at all then you two might need further help.

 

[hasikelee]

I’m with deb1! When I saw the little blurb about new DH thinking sex was weird I immediately saw a young, super Catholic guy learning to appreciate sex.

This man is almost 40 years old. Even if he has his own closed ideas about sexuality or unresolved issues festering away, he should still have the maturity and experience to understand the need for open discourse and resolution methods.

OP: does he refuse to talk about other things or act passively controlling in other areas of your life?

www.christopherwest.com

Dr. Harley’s “His Needs, Her Needs”

 

[JRKH]

Deb1 and Hasikalee,

Let’s give this thing some time. They have only been married about a month. There is a lot going on right now, emotionally speaking. Let’s not place too much emphasis on his unwillingness to talk about it.

I grant you that men generally don’t mind talking about sex in general, but talking about sexual issues with your new wife can be daunting believe me.

While his unwillingness might be a problem, In my opinion it is still too early to tell. We only get very small snippetts of their lives and personalities here on the boards.

James

 

[deb1]

Deb1 and Hasikalee,

Let’s give this thing some time. They have only been married about a month. There is a lot going on right now, emotionally speaking. Let’s not place too much emphasis on his unwillingness to talk about it.

I grant you that men generally don’t mind talking about sex in general, but talking about sexual issues with your new wife can be daunting believe me.

While his unwillingness might be a problem, In my opinion it is still too early to tell. We only get very small snippetts of their lives and personalities here on the boards.

James

I don’t understand the ‘just wait and see how it turns out’ mentality. Communicating is part of marriage-a big part. Of course she should wait for the right moment to talk about this, but they should talk.

I do not think that she should have this conversation right after he has turned her down sexually. Instead she should wait for a relaxed moment to have a talk with him. The issue is more his reluctance to speak about sex then his libido.

Maybe he is just embarrassed that he has married a wife with a higher libido then him. That is understandable. Most of the media depicts men as out of control sex fiends. So, he might feel like something is wrong if he isn’t constantly ready when his wife is. If he can admit this then she can do a lot to assure him that she still respects him

But if they don’t talk then she is going to feel unloved and unattractive-being the spouse that has the higher libido is emotionally painful. For his part, he might be carrying around shame that could turn to resentment.

I am not saying that she should ‘vent’ to him. I am talking about a rational, calm type of conversation. I would also advise the OP to pray a few days before she bring this up. Whenever I am having a problem with my hubby, I pray for the correct words to use. Sometimes I realize while I am praying that I am the one at fault.

 

[dixieagle]

Thanks for all the replies. I’ll try to answer all the questions I saw. We both work. I’m an attorney, but I now work from home telecommuting, I think they call it. He works in a family business. Apparently, they are very busy right now. He did work late every day last week.

I’m 28, he’s 39. I know that sounds like a big age difference, but he looks and acts very young.

I like the journaling idea as well as the marriage retreat idea. I was actually thinking of looking for a retreat. We did a three day marriage prep retreat that we both enjoyed. So, I think he would be up for that. I think he would scoff at the journaling, but who knows.

Someone mentioned letting the hunter hunt and not be so available. I was kind of thinking that, too. would flannel pjs and a mud mask be taking it too far?

Someone asked maybe he’s scared of hurting me. That’s a possibility. I did have a myomectomy (basically, a c-section to remove a fybroid tumor) in early May and ended up with a post-op infection that had me hospitalized for a while. I know that scared him and maybe he’s afraid of causing some kind of damage. Maybe a clearance letter from my doc would help. lol

Maybe just leaving the issue alone is the way to go. He did initiate last night, so it’s not like he’s not interested at all. thank goodness!

Sounds as if you might be on the right track

 

[JRKH]

I don’t understand the ‘just wait and see how it turns out’ mentality. Communicating is part of marriage-a big part. Of course she should wait for the right moment to talk about this, but they should talk.

I don’t understand this “rush to judgement” mentality on the man’s reluctance to talk about it…
As of today, October 24, 2007, these people have been married for 3 weeks and 4 days. They have just come home from thier honeymoon and are readjusting to the pressures and demands of everyday life. Give them (him) some time. Remember we only have her side of the story at this point.

I do not think that she should have this conversation right after he has turned her down sexually. Instead she should wait for a relaxed moment to have a talk with him. The issue is more his reluctance to speak about sex then his libido.

Everyone communicates differently and not all communication is verbal.
If he has hang-ups about discussing this how long do you think this “Relaxed moment” will last? And pressing the issue, even lovingly, can do more harm than good.
Let’s let her and her new husband have some time to settle in and find what works for them.

Maybe he is just embarrassed that he has married a wife with a higher libido then him. That is understandable. Most of the media depicts men as out of control sex fiends. So, he might feel like something is wrong if he isn’t constantly ready when his wife is.

You may be entirely correct, but we cannot know that with our limited information. It may also be that, having just gotten back to work from their honeymoon, he has a lot on his mind and is tired.

If he can admit this then she can do a lot to assure him that she still respects him

Or she can love him and comfort him even if he doesn’t want to talk.

But if they don’t talk then she is going to feel unloved and unattractive-being the spouse that has the higher libido is emotionally painful. For his part, he might be carrying around shame that could turn to resentment.

I don’t think that is at issue here. She says that he does initiate sex, but not as often as she expected. Your concern about the libido issue is legitimate, but there is much more to being loved and loving in a marriage than that. She will need to look at the overall picture of whether he is a good husband, mate and provider.

I am not saying that she should ‘vent’ to him. I am talking about a rational, calm type of conversation. I would also advise the OP to pray a few days before she bring this up. Whenever I am having a problem with my hubby, I pray for the correct words to use. Sometimes I realize while I am praying that I am the one at fault.

Prayer is certainly always a good idea. So is patience. I still say that patience is in order given the short time they have been married.
The OP is an intelligent and well educated woman and it sounds like her groom is a mature, well educated man. I’m sure that, given time, patience, and understanding they can work things out.

James

 

[deb1]

After reading your post, JRKH, I’ve decided that you are probably correct and that she should give this situation some more time. I don’t admit that I am wrong often, so feel honored.

 

[onmyknees]

Hi,
I just wanted to add that my husband went thru this same thing with me cuz I like to have sex every night. He is 48 and he just doesn’t want it every day now so I tried talking to him about this and and he didn’t want to talk so I just let it be and then he started initiating it again but only about 4 days a week. I’m pretty sure that he was just embarrassed cuz I wanted it more than him and we are the same age. He never has been one to communicate well but he is a great husband!