just married and husband does not want sex

[newbetx]

J
I understand your concern. DW does not like discussing sex, either. It is very hard for her but necessary for me. We’ve been married for many years and have three kids. Some things a person is just not comfortable with. Good luck, here. Let me know if you find a solution. I’d love to try it.

I am reminded of a joke told at our engaged couples class… Please take as an example of perspective…

Wife complains to her friends… Husband is a sex fiend… wants it two or three times a week!
Husband complains to buddies… Wife is so cold… we rarely have sex… only two or three times a week!

I used to be very frustrated about this “incompatability.” Then I read Christopher West’s “The Good News About Sex and Marriage” and I finally understood my own misconceptions and how it was putting a strain on our marriage.

I don’t know what preparation the OP was given on this subject. We were certainly not given much. But I know that all the engaged couples at our parish are now given a copy. I find CW’s TOB books to be a great guide in this area. You may too.

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

I’m glad you are figuring things out. I just wanted to add that I do agree with the ideas being thrown out… he works out of home, long hours lately…he is probably tired… he may not want to talk because he feels bad about not meeting your expectations, or is worried about hurting you like you mentioned and doesn’t want to bring that up, etc.
Now, about him not wanting to talk about it, I don’t agree with the idea that it makes a big difference that he is 30 something instead of in his early twenties. He is newlywed and may not be used to talking about it, and on top of that he may be feeling bad that his wife feels that you guys aren’t ok in that department. I’d still give him a little time, but maybe you can get a tape/cd on one of Christopher West’s talks on sex in marriage (or another reliable orthodox person) and maybe you can get him to listen to it with you, even if it is a little at a time, in the evenings or week-end so at least he starts getting used to the idea of talking openly about sex. I wouldn’t suggest bringing up the tape/cd in relation to the issues you have mentioned, but just as something that would be good for a married couple to hear, since the marital embrace is such a beautiful part of marriage anyways. It would have to be in a way that he doesn’t feel like you are doing it because of him alone, though.
I can’t remember if I have ever heard a cd or tape of Scott Hahn on the subject, but if there is one then that would be a great one to listen to.

 

[JFonseka]

If you don’t want to read about sex, then I have a great idea:

Don’t open threads with “sex” in the title!

I am not bragging, I am just stating my reality, as other’s have posted their reality: that they don’t want nor have sex as often. We are all entitled to weigh in – and we are all different. I am just saying what was/is normal for us.

Err I am not upset about the sex title. But:

“ME AND MY HUSBAND HAD SEX EVERYDAY” is more fitting for an internet cyber room, not a family life thread.



Just because it’s your reality doesn’t automatically mean it’s ok to put it in here. You could describe your sex acts and it would still be your reality, but it won’t make it welcome.

And to reiterate my point, here you go:

"Dh had to hop in the shower with me this morning, lock and bolt the doors against our three kids and still be ready for church…long gone are the days of lounging sexily in lengerie enjoying each other and that sweet thing called “time.”

…we all really need such detail

roflcopterama

 

[wynd]

I too was in a marriage where the “man” didn’t want sex.

Why the quotes?

 

[JFonseka]

Why the quotes?

To demonstrate that the man must have sex to be a man

Lol

 

[whatevergirl]

The ‘act’ itself is not an accomplishment, I mean, rabbits can do it every day, I’m sure. I don’t view someone who has sex daily, as being in a happier marriage than someone who has it once per week. So, I had to giggle at the ‘friendly’ banter between some of you, from the poster who said she has it daily with her spouse. You are all funny, sometimes.

Intimacy is different, however, and that could be what is at the core of the OP’s situation. I also don’t think that it’s time to hit the panic button, OP. That being said, intimacy is important in a marriage. Without it – for long periods of time–there definitely might be something worth seeking counseling over. I wish you the best of luck, OP…and sorry, I’m too lazy to go back to the beginning of this thread to see your name! I think if you give this some time, it may just solve itself. Prayers are with you for a wonderful and *intimate *marriage.

 

[DJgang]

Is he afraid of pregnancy?

That’s all that came to my mind.

 

[Jennifer0929]

No, not afraid of pregnancy. We both want to pregnant soon. Maybe that’s putting pressure on things.

 

[hasikelee]

Deb1 and Hasikalee,

Let’s give this thing some time. They have only been married about a month. There is a lot going on right now, emotionally speaking. Let’s not place too much emphasis on his unwillingness to talk about it.

I grant you that men generally don’t mind talking about sex in general, but talking about sexual issues with your new wife can be daunting believe me.

While his unwillingness might be a problem, In my opinion it is still too early to tell. We only get very small snippetts of their lives and personalities here on the boards.

James

If it is still too early to tell, then it is a good time to have a serious talk, perhaps penned into both their schedules over a nice dinner.

If during that time he still refuses to be open and honest, it would then be the perfect occasion to nail down a good, Catholic therapist.

Learning how to fit together and adapt, sexually or otherwise, is not the problem. A man in his forties unable to communicate to his wife is a problem.

It doesn’t matter what the topic is about. If this early on they are showing symptoms of communication differences, perhaps a hang-up sexually, and no clear resolution plan, (perhaps no resolution skills) then it is way past the time to wait and see.

This is not some harsh post or put down. Everyone has to learn how to resolve, communicate and unify in a marriage. It’s a fact of life.

 

[JRKH]

If it is still too early to tell, then it is a good time to have a serious talk, perhaps penned into both their schedules over a nice dinner.

If during that time he still refuses to be open and honest, it would then be the perfect occasion to nail down a good, Catholic therapist.

Learning how to fit together and adapt, sexually or otherwise, is not the problem. A man in his forties unable to communicate to his wife is a problem.

It doesn’t matter what the topic is about. If this early on they are showing symptoms of communication differences, perhaps a hang-up sexually, and no clear resolution plan, (perhaps no resolution skills) then it is way past the time to wait and see.

This is not some harsh post or put down. Everyone has to learn how to resolve, communicate and unify in a marriage. It’s a fact of life.

I do not consider your post a put down and your points above May be perfectly legitmate. There could be potential problems here, but given the timeline and information provided by the OP, it is way too early to be talking about a therapist.

Overall I think that Jennifer has the guidance she was looking for so anything that follows that is academic.

But lets take a look at the information as provided.

They were were married on 9/29/07 and the OP was on 10/21/07. they had been married all of 3 weeks. Now how much of that was on Honeymoon we don’t know, but it is likely they hadn’t been home for more than maybe 10 days.
She works from home
He works away from home in a family run business and working a lot of hours
She is 11 years younger than him.
She didn’t say he totally refuses sex, only that once a day appears to be too much for him.

I can tell you as a man that if I my bride of three or (now) 4 weeks started talking about my/our needing tharapist I would hit the roof. I know you mean well by your advise, but it is totally inapropriate at this point in the marriage. This isn’t about some physical or spiritual need not being met this is about expectations not being fulfilled.

Consider this:
If this thread were reversed and it was a man who worked from home complaining that his new wife, who worked outside the home, didn’t want sex every day, and didn’t want to talk about it what would advise then.

Hasikelee, I note from your signature that you are about to be married. Congratulations. Have you by chance discussed this thread with your betrothed? What is his reaction?

I hope this doesn’t come across harsh. I don’t mean it to, but I know how I would feel in a similar circumstance and want to put a “Male” perspective out there.

Peace

James

 

[1ke]

I agree with James.

And moreover, why do women insist on talking everything to DEATH??? The solution is not always talking about every nuance of every thing, every day. Sometimes, just letting it *be *is the solution.

I learned, I am a reformed talk-everything-to-death woman, and it makes a huge difference in relating to men.

 

[hasikelee]

I do not consider your post a put down and your points above May be perfectly legitmate. There could be potential problems here, but given the timeline and information provided by the OP, it is way too early to be talking about a therapist.

Overall I think that Jennifer has the guidance she was looking for so anything that follows that is academic.

But lets take a look at the information as provided.

They were were married on 9/29/07 and the OP was on 10/21/07. they had been married all of 3 weeks. Now how much of that was on Honeymoon we don’t know, but it is likely they hadn’t been home for more than maybe 10 days.
She works from home
He works away from home in a family run business and working a lot of hours
She is 11 years younger than him.
She didn’t say he totally refuses sex, only that once a day appears to be too much for him.

I can tell you as a man that if I my bride of three or (now) 4 weeks started talking about my/our needing tharapist I would hit the roof. I know you mean well by your advise, but it is totally inapropriate at this point in the marriage. This isn’t about some physical or spiritual need not being met this is about expectations not being fulfilled.

Consider this:
If this thread were reversed and it was a man who worked from home complaining that his new wife, who worked outside the home, didn’t want sex every day, and didn’t want to talk about it what would advise then.

Hasikelee, I note from your signature that you are about to be married. Congratulations. Have you by chance discussed this thread with your betrothed? What is his reaction?

I hope this doesn’t come across harsh. I don’t mean it to, but I know how I would feel in a similar circumstance and want to put a “Male” perspective out there.

Peace

James

I’m sorry, James, but I am not at all talking about their sexual frequency, but rather about the red flag of him “refusing” to talk to her. This problem posted by the OP could easily be replicated in any aspect of their lives, and probably will. For example, she could be complaining that he refuses to talk about finances. Or perhaps if/when children arrive he will refuse to talk about childrearing and she will complain that he only wants to see his kids a couple times a week. Details change, but the methods a person uses to cope with life tend to remain the same unless he/she is taught a new trick.

As I mentioned in my post, regardless of the topic at hand, there are still enough symptoms mentioned by the OP to warrant a trip to the doctor, or at the very least, a close observational period.

There is probably much at play here, not just on the man’s part. Making demands or having high expectations can be a sign of a controlling person, or someone who cannot adapt to another person. He could be subconsciously rebelling against her.

I understand everyone is at different parts of the journey of life, but considering both of them are long past the naivete of youth, the fact that they have these symptoms lends seriousness to the situation beyond and warrants a post advising to try resources such as teachers, therapists, prayer, etc…rather than simply letting the young lovebirds wait it out.

I strongly disagree that the longevity of their marriage is a reason to not take the situation seriously. Unless they had a very hasty courtship, these communication styles were most likely present and noticed by both parties. Two people interested in marriage could have had ample time to talk about sex, kids, finances, etc. This implies a rooted pattern that is now becoming troublesome due to a closer relationship.

Also, to answer your question about the reversed situation, I would again advise that hypothetical husband to seek first a serious discussion with his wife and then other resources, such as a PAIRS seminar, Christopher West seminar, a meeting with a good Catholic therapist or even a mentor couple.

 

[JRKH]

Hasikelee,

Well it is obvious that Jennifer has a plethora of advise and viewpoints to consider, and I sure she has.

You and I though will just have to disagree I guess.

I do agree with the point about their maturity being a factor, but that is just one, and I think a relatively small one at this point when you consider that we have no idea about the rest of their personalities. For instance was he raised in a household where sex was never discussed and therefore it is uncomfortable for him?

Maybe it’s just my “maleness” but I just can’t isolate the “talk” issue from the items around it. The length of marriage, the busy schedules, the somewhat unrealistic expectation of the wife, etc. all factor into the current situation and doesn’t warrant undo concern on her part.
Certainly it does bear noting and if, as you suggest, this flows into other areas then counciling might be a necessity. Just not now IMHO.

To you I say again that I wish you the best of luck in your upcoming wedding. I do hope you share some of this with your betrothed and get his take on it. I’d be interested in hearing that.

May God’s blessing be on you both.

James

 

[hasikelee]

Hasikelee,

Well it is obvious that Jennifer has a plethora of advise and viewpoints to consider, and I sure she has.

You and I though will just have to disagree I guess.

I do agree with the point about their maturity being a factor, but that is just one, and I think a relatively small one at this point when you consider that we have no idea about the rest of their personalities. For instance was he raised in a household where sex was never discussed and therefore it is uncomfortable for him?

Maybe it’s just my “maleness” but I just can’t isolate the “talk” issue from the items around it. The length of marriage, the busy schedules, the somewhat unrealistic expectation of the wife, etc. all factor into the current situation and doesn’t warrant undo concern on her part.
Certainly it does bear noting and if, as you suggest, this flows into other areas then counciling might be a necessity. Just not now IMHO.

To you I say again that I wish you the best of luck in your upcoming wedding. I do hope you share some of this with your betrothed and get his take on it. I’d be interested in hearing that.

May God’s blessing be on you both.

James

Hi James, it was not my intent to make this advisory thread a debate, so I do appreciate that you brought this to a close.

I hope the OP finds some resolution in her situation and that she and her new husband work together to develop themselves and grow ever closer.

 

[esieffe]

What about a strong drink an hour before bedtime? Helps take the edge off a nervous Catholic guy.

 

[fpt]

My husband and I were married September 29. We abstained before marriage, and I thought we would be so excited to be able to be with each other once we were married. I anticipated being intimate at least once a day. But, it hasn’t been that way. I make sure I look nice every night when he comes home, and I’ve even gone to bed with a cute nightie on, and he just rolls over and goes to sleep. I tried to talk to him about it, but he says it makes it “weird” to talk about it.

During our honeymoon, things seemed pretty good. But, since we’ve gotten home, he can go several days without trying to initiate intimacy. I told him that I don’t like being the initiator, and he said that he doesn’t like for the woman to be the initiator. So, why isn’t he initiating?

***Why don’t you like being the initiator? What are your reasons? Why doesn’t he like for the woman to be the initiator? What are his reasons?

In catholicism, each member of couple couple has the right, the obligation and the duty of being the initiator: the equality and the equity.***

I feel like I do my part, and he needs to take the ball and run. I can’t talk to him because he gets angry and says it’s “weird” to talk about it. Why does he refuse to talk about that?

What can I do? I want to be wanted by my husband. He definitely desired me when we were dating. I had to push him off all the time. Now that we’re married and it’s encouraged to be intimate, it seems like he has no interest. Any suggestions on what to do?

 

[fpt]

My husband and I were married September 29. We abstained before marriage, and I thought we would be so excited to be able to be with each other once we were married. I anticipated being intimate at least once a day. But, it hasn’t been that way. I make sure I look nice every night when he comes home, and I’ve even gone to bed with a cute nightie on, and he just rolls over and goes to sleep. I tried to talk to him about it, but he says it makes it “weird” to talk about it.

During our honeymoon, things seemed pretty good. But, since we’ve gotten home, he can go several days without trying to initiate intimacy. I told him that I don’t like being the initiator, and he said that he doesn’t like for the woman to be the initiator. So, why isn’t he initiating?

I feel like I do my part, and he needs to take the ball and run. I can’t talk to him because he gets angry and says it’s “weird” to talk about it. What can I do? I want to be wanted by my husband. He definitely desired me when we were dating. I had to push him off all the time. Now that we’re married and it’s encouraged to be intimate, it seems like he has no interest. Any suggestions on what to do?

The title --“just married and husband does not want sex”-- is very troubling, in my humble opinion. Does he have a sexual attraction in your favor? Does he desire you sexually? Does he want to make love with you? **Does he know that you have some conjugal sexual rights on him? Do you know that you have some conjugal sexual rights on him? **

In the marriage, there are sexual vows : the donation and reception of bodies. The conjugal sexual debt, the conjugal sexual obligation, the conjugal sexual duty and the conjugal sexual privileges are existing.

 

[fpt]

In the couple, each one has the right of using the touching and each one has the obligation of being okay with the touching in order to express the conjugal love: it is almost non-negotiable. Indeed, there is mutual and reciprocal donation of bodies during the marital act and / or not in the context of the marital act, in link with the natural moral order. If a fiancée is not okay with the fact of touching the other and of being touched by the other, she is not ready for the marriage. If a fiancée is not okay with the fact of touching the other corporeally, carnally, intimately, sensually, sexually and of being touched by the other corporeally, carnally, intimately, sensually, sexually, she is not ready for the marriage. If a fiancé is not okay with the fact of touching the other and of being touched by the other, he is not ready for the marriage. If a fiancé is not okay with the fact of touching the other corporally, carnally, intimately, sensually, sexually and of being touched by the other corporally, carnally, intimately, sensually, sexually, he is not ready for the marriage. The language of love by touching is directly linked to the marriage. The physical touch with sex or without sex is so important.

The other love languages (gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service) are very important because we are body, soul and heart. Each one has to try to agree with the other languages of love, that is an obligation of means. The conjugal charity is to try to offer and to receive all the love languages: sacrifices, efforts, communication, talks, information are very important within catholic couple.

In the couple, the talks about the conjugal sexuality and all the corollaries are natural, normal, helpful, useful, and are a right, an obligation and a duty, if there are issues. For solving issues the discussions, the debates, the conversations and the talks are necessary and compulsory: the first steps.

 

[Eliza10]

Well, it was the same for me in my first marraige it was not a good omen for the future in my case. Also we had attraction and romance and had been together -sex- before marriage (I was a believing Christian, not Catholic, I thought waiting for marriage was better but could not find it in the Bible that we had to wait for the ceremony if we were “already married” in our hearts. That was my thinking). Immediately after the wedding, he lost interest in sex. Even our wedding night, I had to beg him to be with me. He’d wanted to be the last one to leave at our reception, having a great time with his family and buddies, and he was tired. It never improved, it just got worse.

Many years later I unexpectedly converted to Catholic (I had no desire to be Catholic; I liked my Evangelical Church, but, in short, I learned Catholic is true, so, I had to be Catholic) and I truly feel that is because God knew how hard my life was going to get soon, and He knew I needed more of Him to bear it. And God’s ordinary way of imparting extraordinary graces is thought the Sacraments. I had spent a long marriage completely focused on making my marriage better, communicating better, being very patient and long-suffering, serving, learning how to be a better wife, lots of Bible studies and ladies groups where we focused on being better wives. Things only got worse. I waited on God to do a miracle.

After a year of graces and peace of being Catholic, in the month of May, Mary’s month, I stumbled on a book on Verbally Abusive relationships, and read it, as, I did not know how to deal with when my husband was this, and the subtitle gave me the impression it would give me answers for what to say back to deflect it. But I was shocked when I went down the list to identify these relationships (not just conversations), and could check off pretty much everything on the long list, including the extra chapter on explosive anger (that was always my fault), and then the list of how it changes you to live in this shocked me more - it was described the changes that had come over me since I had been married (always second-guessing myself, etc.). The most shocking of all was to realize he had been this way on purpose - he wanted to hurt me - and it was not just some misunderstanding. It truly was living with the enemy. The shock of realizing this truth I now believe gave me PTSD. (I had nightmares at that time; I had not ever had them before). Jesus has healed me of it since. I learned the responses to say to abuse, and got counseling for changing my response to abuse, and against all advice stayed married. I would wait for God to do a miracle to change his heart and fix him. But as all priests said to me when I converted, “That’s not a marriage”.

The marriage ended a year later when he sought and found an affair. With me no longer a victim, there was nothing really in it for him. The divorce and custody battle was difficult.

Well, so that was the really rotten end to a marraige that started out the same way yours has started. Like you, suddenly, right after the wedding, my husband was not interested in sex. I learned this is the normal, everyday course for every Narcissist - a normal Narcissist, that is (vs. a somatic one). The Normal Narcissist does not want sexual intimacy, but he knows how to “play the part” and use sex and romance to secure his spouse, who is important “Secondary Narcissist Supply” to have. As soon as he has used sex to “get” her, and he has definitely got her (she is made a vow she will keep, or is pregnant, or has moved to be with him) he is done with the romance and the sex. Sex is not something he likes, its a vehicle to get what he wants, and as soon as he has what he wants he is done with it.

Narcissists are very common these days in our society. They appear super normal, and are often very charming and pleasant and engaging in society, but they are completely different inside from normal people. Its a disorder that makes normal married life impossible.

All the replies here are as if your husband is normal. I hope he is! Signs he is not normal would include that everyone else seems more important than you, like, even the old waitress when you go out to eat holds his fascinated charming attention more than you! Because those others, ANY strangers and acquaintances, are Primary Narcissist Supply, and you, just Secondary.

I hope we just had the same beginning to marriage for some other reason, and not this one. Because a marraige to a Narcissist Personality Disordered person can not possibly work, and will always end badly.

 

[QuasiCatholic]

I’ve been married three months. We do not have sex every day – we have lives!

So here are my two cents, for what it’s worth:

1. I don’t think having sex every few days rather than every day is so odd for newlyweds. Between work, chores, social obligations, etc. sometimes you just don’t have the energy.
2. What changed since you got married? Other than the obvious, you’ve now probably combined finances and homes. Maybe he’s stressed about how much you’re spending. Maybe the house is cluttered after the move and it’s putting him a bad mood. Him not wanting sex might be about something totally unrelated.
3. I know not all Catholics follow the birth control rule, but we are and honestly NFP is a big drain on our sex life. You’ve got almost two weeks a month when you can’t have sex at all, never mind every day. Conversely, if you weren’t on the pill before but went on it when you got married, your pheromones might be off from what they were before. That can affect his sex drive too.