Just need some friendly advice/perspective

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coolduude

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Hey all,

Well today was rough for me and my girlfriend. She admited that 4 months ago she told her mom about my ummmm bad “guy” habit I have, if you know what I mean. (I’m beating it though) Anyway, I’m getting bent out of shape over this. It’s my biggest secret and, personally, I think her mom had no reason at all to know, so I feel betrayed by my girlfriends acts. I also lost a little trust.

So, my question is- how bad is this really? Did she do anything wrong? Am I overreacting? How should I respond?

Sorry guys thats a lot! If details are needed, just ask!

Thanks in advance,
coolduude:cool:
 
You are right to feel betrayed.

I’d wonder if as a girlfriend she is ready for the big leagues. At the very least, her confiding in her mother such a trusted topic was inappropriate and shows a lack of boundaries or discretion.

If she worried about the implications or was seeking advice about you, there were ways she could have brought the subject up or talked to a confessor about her concerns without saying something that her mom has no right to know.

Now she’s made it awkward for you to be around her mom.

I’d wonder if I could trust her not to say anything else I’d confide.

And that’s from someone who shared a lot with her own mother.
 
coolduude said:
Hey all,

Well today was rough for me and my girlfriend. She admited that 4 months ago she told her mom about my ummmm bad “guy” habit I have, if you know what I mean. (I’m beating it though) Anyway, I’m getting bent out of shape over this. It’s my biggest secret and, personally, I think her mom had no reason at all to know, so I feel betrayed by my girlfriends acts. I also lost a little trust.

So, my question is- how bad is this really? Did she do anything wrong? Am I overreacting? How should I respond?

Sorry guys thats a lot! If details are needed, just ask!

Thanks in advance,
coolduude:cool:
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She was wrong to tell her mother, but maybe she simply didn’t realize how important it was for you that she doesn’t tell.

Is your habit porn? If so, maybe she was feeling hurt by it and went to her mom for support and advice about how to deal with it.

I think it’s important for you to understand the context in which she told her mother. I doubt she did it to betray you or hurt you in any way.

Just have a conversation with her about it, so that she understands how important it was to you that she keep it a secret.

People aren’t perfect, we make mistakes. Your girlfriend seems to have good intentions, but made a mistake. I think you should forgive her for it and move on, hopefully with a better understanding of each other.
 
I agree that your girlfriend overstepped the line when she confided that in her mother. My only concern for you is that if you are thinking of marrying this girl someday - her over-sharing with her mother may cause issues. Is she going to tell her mother every time you get into an argument or do something stupid? Will your sex life be up for discussion with her? Will her mother come to dislike as a result of all she knows you and become a polarizing person to your relationship?

On the other hand, you aren’t married yet - so I guess she doesn’t have that “loyalty” to you yet, and if she is close to her mom she may have been genuinely seeking trusted advice. But again, like others pointed out she could have asked others, or a confessor.
 
My advice:

Find a girlfriend who is

(a) not tied to her mamma’s apron strings
(b) has the intergrity and character to keep a confidence when it is given
(c) has some common sense

This girl lacks some major character in my opinion, or has some kind of issue, and this is a harbinger of things to come-- and it ain’t good.

A girl who would tell her mother something of that nature, breaking confidence and divulging something so personal, is WAY too attached to mamma.

She either feels the need to shock her mother through immodest conversations and oversharing of personal details, confides and gets advice in a overly dependent way due to her own insecurity, or is dominated by an overbearing mother who insists on this level of sharing. None of these is a good situation.
 
Everyone above was so right. It is such a major pet peeve of mine when “grown-ups” continue to glue themselves to mom and dad.

I’m very close to my parents, but I’m still my own man!
 
What bad guy habit? Maybe this was something that should not have been discussed with a girlfriend anyway.🤷

Girlfriend should not have betrayed the confidence though. That’s the number one rule for marriage wrt in law relations. Not to be telling everything to your family because they have a lot of trouble forgiving and forgetting on their loved ones behalf.

Just how old are you two, anyway?
 
Seatuck said:
What bad guy habit? Maybe this was something that should not have been discussed with a girlfriend anyway.🤷
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Exactly what I was thinking. Chastity and modesty extend to our conversations with those of the opposite sex.
 
Seatuck said:
What bad guy habit?
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FlyingFish nailed it.

Seatuck-
16 (me) and 15 (her).
But in a situation like this, age doesn’t make too much of a difference, granted it does make some difference.

I told her my secret because at that point we had been going out for 4 months already, so the trust was there. I had confidence she wouldn’t tell anyone (guess I was wrong). 😦

Oh, and I asked for the help. In the end, she was the biggest factor to get me to go to Confession. So in a sense it did work. I didn’t tell her to ahem turn her on, I did it for the help.

If more background is needed ask =)
 
You are both too young to be considering marriage, discussions of this level of intimacy should be reserved for those who are seriously discerning marriage.

Keep those discussions between you, your dad, your Godfather, your confessor, your spiritual director… not something to talk to ladies about.

Prayers that you stay pure.
 
Sorry, coolduude, but if your girlfriend were my daughter, I would be grateful she sought my guidance. She is still a child. If you two were adults, I would think differently about her talking to her mom about it, but she is a kid and probably needed help in sorting out how she feels and what her next move should be.

I would tell my daughter to run from you like a rabbit from a pack of wolves. Porn habits cause so much pain and destruction and loss of self-esteem in the women whose men indulge in that vice… I would not wish that for my daughter. I would refuse to attend if she married you, as I could not approve of her hitching her ship to your anchor.

Men who use porn hurt their lovers. And no one’s hurting my little girl while I can do anything about it.

On a deeper level, use of porn indicates a disordered view of sexuality. I don’t think she could have a valid, sacramental, spiritually nourishing marriage with you. If you were to give up porn usage and be able to stay away from it for five years without lapsing, then I would say she is safer taking the chance on marrying you.
 
Well, what is dating for? It’s to discern a potential spouse.

Just for your own edification and preparation for your future, I suggest you read about the pain pornography causes to the women who love the men who use it:

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=304410&highlight=pornography
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=341948&highlight=pornography
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=354163&highlight=husband+porn
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=347552&highlight=husband+porn
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=346983&highlight=boyfriend+porn
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=343688&highlight=boyfriend+porn

Those are just a few… I’m sure if I really took the time I could post dozens of threads.

Also, you do realize that many of the actresses are drug-addicted sexual abuse victims? Do you think it’s acceptable to further victimize them for your sexual pleasure?!
 
SaltySirena said:
I would tell my daughter to run from you like a rabbit from a pack of wolves. Porn habits cause so much pain and destruction and loss of self-esteem in the women whose men indulge in that vice… I would not wish that for my daughter. I would refuse to attend if she married you, as I could not approve of her hitching her ship to your anchor.
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Ok do you think I like looking at it? Is that what you think? NO! I don’t like it! I pray every night to stay chaste, I go to Confession just for THAT! I KNOW it hurts! That’s exactly WHY I’m trying to stop! You know, they call it an addiction for a reason. It’s like smoking- hard to quit. And fyi, I’ve been clean since June.

I try SO hard to stop, and it’s for her.

So do you still think the same? I would hope not.
 
coolduude said:
ummmmmm yeah…

I don’t know where this idea of marriage came into play. 🤷
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Dating at your age should be limited to fun with friends, group outings, family activities - NOT the kind of intimate conversation that those planning marriage would have.

It is immodest for you to talk about masturbation with your girlfriend until you are both old enough to be planning to get married.
 
Just trying to give you some perspective on what you are doing. It’s not normal and it’s not morally neutral. I want you to see that the reasons to stop are many and serious. Never mind that most quality women won’t want anything to do with you once they find out. Especially if your “habit” has progressed to the point where you would rather interact with a screen than with them.

Maybe if you get this information now, you can stop using pornography while you are still young and before it becomes an addiction.

P.S. “In hoc signo vinces” is the motto of the Catholic high school I attended… ages ago. 👍

Ironically enough, if you use that motto well, it will help you overcome your porn habit. 😃

I agree with others that you should talk to someone about this. A strong man who can help steer you in the right direction. Is your father available and up to the task? If he is the one who introduced you to porn, then obviously you can’t ask him for help to stop using it. But uncles, priests, coaches, grandpas, etc… a good man who will help give you appropriate guidance and keep your privacy secure would invaluable to you.
 
SaltySirena said:
It’s not normal and it’s not morally neutral.
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I do realize that
SaltySirena said:
Never mind that most quality women won’t want anything to do with you once they find out. Especially if your “habit” has progressed to the point where you would rather interact with a screen than with them.
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Did you even read my one post?

I MUCH rather interact with a person than a “screen” as you put it.

If it was the other way around do you think I would be making this effort to stop? No.

Look- the point here is that I realize all you’re saying and that’s why I’m trying to stop.
 
Okay, coolduude, I won’t pile on anymore. Do consider the advice about a strong man with good values to direct and help you.

You do have a right to be upset with your girlfriend, especially if you directly asked her to keep that information in confidence. But, she acted like an immature little girl, because, well, that is what she is. The bad news is that a lot of her friends probably know too.

Take this into account next time you’re deciding whether to tell her something. And it’s perfectly acceptable for you to tell her you feel betrayed and like she violated your trust. She needs to learn lessons about how to behave in relationships, too.

However, if you were not direct with her that you wanted this kept private, then this is a lesson for you. Be direct and up front about what you expect.
 
You are trying to stop and that is very good news. However, your girlfriend is still very young (my daughter is 15) and like other posters here, I would be VERY upset if she told me that about her boyfriend. I would hope that she would have an open enough relationship with me to come to me for advice in that situation. And even if you told her in confidence, at your ages you should not have that type of sway over her. She should go to her parents with questions about behavior like that! Until you are old enough to actually be discerning marriage and getting engaged, her loyalties lie with her parents, not you.

I think really your best next step here is to back off your relationship with her. You need time to conquer this habit and she needs to not feel the pressure of being your ‘savior’. You can certainly still be friendly, but don’t spend lots of time alone and refrain from sharing as intimately as you have in the past.
 
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