Just need to get this off my chest

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apromisemade

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I’m sorry guys, I just need to unload.

I just got into a huge fight with my dad over the phone. The conversation was about him helping me get a loan for summer school as my mom is completely strapped. It’s not just summer school on the line really, it’s weather or not I can continue to work with the mentalo health services on the campus that have been an absolute godsend for me. If I stopped working with them and just went straight home where I would have no support whatsoever, it would be a disaster. My dad has good credit but a fair amount of debt. His logic to me was even if he did cosign and qualify for the loan he didn’t have enough confidence I would be able to take care of the payments to “take the risk right now.”

From there it spiraled into me telling him I had little sympathy for his reasons as they’re exactly the same ones I heard two years ago when he was employed. Then at one point he pointed out that he’s married now and its not “all about you anymore.”

I lost my cool at that point and confronted him on why he’s not working as hard at helping me now that I’m in college as he did at telling me I was going to fail at life if I didn’t get in.

He accused me of feeling sorry for myself.

“If I had my way,” he said, “you wouldn’t even be going to a private school.”

“I know dad,” I shot back, " I know you wanted me to go to a public school, but this is what I want."

“Ya well,” “I want a mercedes” he scoffed.

I insisted to him this wasn’t some fancy luxury item, this was a place where I was healthy and happy. Since I tried to commit suicide at my last school, I thought that might hold some context for him, but apparently not. He just laughed and said.

“Ya, you’re point being?”

Needless to say, I’m feeling pretty hurt right now. I’m really embarrased to go out of the room now as I gaurantee you the whole hall heard me crying. And my roomate must be feeling akward as I had to explain to her the reason half of my now broken cellphone was under the fridge was because I threw it against the wall in anger. I don’t know what to do. I just feel so hopeless. I can’t go back to be with my parents. I’ll die before I do that. Being with them was what almost killed me in the first place.

Alright, I’ll shut up now. Sorry for wasting anybodys time 😦 .
 
Hi apromismade
I am sad to hear that you are feeling so low. Life at times seems very dark indeed but you wouldn’t be in this forum if you did not believe in God. His love for us knows no bounds but at times we have to go through the garden of Gethsaminie before we face the cross and then the ressurection. You will never waste anybodies time when you are searching for the truth and are going through the dark night of the soul. Your faith in comming to this site with your hurts and worries is a great example for us all. Do not feel embarrassed but be proud of where you have come from and remember where you are going. I will pray for you and ask God to give you peace and happiness in your search. Cheers geoff. I hope you don’t mind Australian spelling??
 
searcher_geoff said:
Hi apromismade
I am sad to hear that you are feeling so low. Life at times seems very dark indeed but you wouldn’t be in this forum if you did not believe in God. His love for us knows no bounds but at times we have to go through the garden of Gethsaminie before we face the cross and then the ressurection. You will never waste anybodies time when you are searching for the truth and are going through the dark night of the soul. Your faith in comming to this site with your hurts and worries is a great example for us all. Do not feel embarrassed but be proud of where you have come from and remember where you are going. I will pray for you and ask God to give you peace and happiness in your search. Cheers geoff. I hope you don’t mind Australian spelling??
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Of course I don’t mind the spelling. I love the Aussies 👍.

Thank you for your gentle words of support. It really helps a lot. I appreciate it.
 
Hi Apromisemade,
I too am sorry that you are feeling so low right now after the disappointing phone conversation with your father. Your dad is in a bit of a bind it seems but he was very insensitive and sarcastic in his responses to you particularly when your reason for wanting his help is a good one.

But take heart! It’s been my experience more than once that often the biggest challenges and disappointments in my life have resulted in my finding resources within myself that have helped me to grow and grow. A few years ago I lost a very close family member. I was going through a terrible depression at the time and having this death on top of everthing else (like being miserable at a job I’d hated for years), menopause, etc. I got sick as a dog with anxiety and mourning. I prayed and prayed and prayed at all hours of the night and day. I came to realize so many things through that gut wrenching pain that have taken a load off my emotions and have prepared me for the future when my own parents are gone.

I know I’m being vague but the lesson learned is that pain and what we preceive as impossible challenges give us an opportunity to find resources within ourselves we had no idea that we possessed. You will find a way to finance your summer school studies and you will be a stronger more independent person when you do. Perhaps you won’t be able to go to summer school this year. Who knows? Something more rewarding may happen in your life this summer instead or you’ll be able to take additional classes during the comming year. You hang in there, be resourceful, pray for guidance and creativity and confidence and I’d be willing to bet that you surprise yourself. 👍 And this is for your dad…😛

God bless and guide you along your way.
 
apromisemade said:
I’m sorry guys, I just need to unload.

I just got into a huge fight with my dad over the phone. The conversation was about him helping me get a loan for summer school as my mom is completely strapped. It’s not just summer school on the line really, it’s weather or not I can continue to work with the mentalo health services on the campus that have been an absolute godsend for me. If I stopped working with them and just went straight home where I would have no support whatsoever, it would be a disaster. My dad has good credit but a fair amount of debt. His logic to me was even if he did cosign and qualify for the loan he didn’t have enough confidence I would be able to take care of the payments to “take the risk right now.”

From there it spiraled into me telling him I had little sympathy for his reasons as they’re exactly the same ones I heard two years ago when he was employed. Then at one point he pointed out that he’s married now and its not “all about you anymore.”

I lost my cool at that point and confronted him on why he’s not working as hard at helping me now that I’m in college as he did at telling me I was going to fail at life if I didn’t get in.

He accused me of feeling sorry for myself.

“If I had my way,” he said, “you wouldn’t even be going to a private school.”

“I know dad,” I shot back, " I know you wanted me to go to a public school, but this is what I want."

“Ya well,” “I want a mercedes” he scoffed.

I insisted to him this wasn’t some fancy luxury item, this was a place where I was healthy and happy. Since I tried to commit suicide at my last school, I thought that might hold some context for him, but apparently not. He just laughed and said.

“Ya, you’re point being?”

Needless to say, I’m feeling pretty hurt right now. I’m really embarrased to go out of the room now as I gaurantee you the whole hall heard me crying. And my roomate must be feeling akward as I had to explain to her the reason half of my now broken cellphone was under the fridge was because I threw it against the wall in anger. I don’t know what to do. I just feel so hopeless. I can’t go back to be with my parents. I’ll die before I do that. Being with them was what almost killed me in the first place.

Alright, I’ll shut up now. Sorry for wasting anybodys time 😦 .
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The only reason the bank wants a co-signer on your loan is because they don’t believe that you will pay them back.

Now if the bank don’t believe you will pay it back, why should dad get stuck? Co-signing a loan for anyone is stupid. Nearly 80% of people who co-sign loans get stuck making the vast majority of the payments.

I admire you coming here for advice. But the fact is, you are an adult! It’s time to grow up, stop whining, get a job and work your way through school. You will be much better off in the long run than the spoiled brats who had mommy and daddy pay for everything. After graduation, you will be able to hold your head high!

Good luck my friend and God Bless you!

👍
 
The first priority is your spiritual health, keep praying, stay close to Jesus in the Sacraments.

Second, your health. Looking at this from a practical standpoint, perhaps you could check into other mental health services that would be offered at or near a lower priced school. Catholic Charities is great at referring to low or sliding scale counseling.

Don’t give up. You may have to make some adjustments to what you CAN pay (and in this economy, debt is not a good idea). Keep talking to the professionals and to your Priest, and keep praying.
 
Apromisemade, my heart goes out to you! Prayers for your continued growth and progress towards mental health.

My thoughts are a two-pronged approach. I agree with the PP who suggested that you do whatever you can to support yourself. It seems to me that even if your father was willing/able to help you, it wouldn’t be in your best interest to accept his assistance, for it would only give him another tool with which to cause you grief. The damage he caused while you were a child was something you weren’t in a position to control. You are now in the position to live your best life - use it!

As far as staying in school for the summer, I would strongly advise you to work with your financial aid counselor. Many colleges/universities have a number of need and merit-based scholarships that go unused because no one takes the time to claim them! Alternately, could you take summer school credits at a community college and perhaps stay with a close friend or a supportive family member? It would be less expensive and you would almost certainly be able to use the other school’s mental health services or find an independent provider covered by your insurance.

In short, don’t take “no” for an answer, and do whatever you can to keep yourself healthy.
 
I admire you coming here for advice. But the fact is, you are an adult! It’s time to grow up, stop whining, get a job and work your way through school.
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Believe me, if it was that simple I would do it. I’ve tried finding work and its not easy especially for a student. I hate having to even ask my parents for anything. I’m so upset with my father right now that I have no shame in saying that if and when I can be completely independent financially I would want absolutely nothing more to do with him. I know it sounds harsh, but I really feel like he’s chosing his new family over me.

You’re right though, in that the ideal situation would certainly be for me to manage everything by myself, money wise at least. Thank you for listening. I appreciate you taking the time to respond.
 
You’ve been given good advice on how and where to look for financial alternatives.

I see your main hurt is the rejection and mocking by your father. Right now you are hurt. You see it clearly. The choices he made all your life have affected you.

Know that he will do the same thing to this new family of his someday. People don’t change.

He’ll end up alone.

Don’t count on him. And his new family should see how he treats you and learn a lesson.

But they won’t.

Find a way to be self sufficient. It will free you in many ways.

And don’t worry that people heard you crying. At your age lots of people cry about lots of things. And they all have families with problems. You’re really not as alone or as strange as you think.

And know; that depression is anger turned inward. You have reasons to be angry, and you need to find ways to express that which won’t hurt you (or your cell phone.)

Catholic Charities has good counseling that they can tailor to your ability to pay. Sitting in a Catholic Church in the presence of God can also help soothe the wounded heart.

God loves you. Don’t let your father’s behavior take that knowlege away from you.
 
Please listen and consider the great advice that is being given to you by members of this forum.

You have many alternatives available to you. You really do not need your father. So many - probably most families, my own included believe me, have dysfunctions. Many people have lousy parenting skills or none at all. Count your father among them. I repeat, YOU DO NOT NEED HIM. He, like many other parents of (now) adult children will never be the parent each person deserves. I belong to an eldercare site and you would be very surprised if you went there and saw how folks who are now in their 40’s, 50’s, 60’s and even their 70’s still struggle with relationship issues with their very elderly parents. They are still trying to get from their parents the love and nurturing their parents do not possess.

Like one of the other pps said, you may have to change schools. You are placing yourself in a very difficult position by attending an expensive school particularly if you are not receiving any financial assistance through programs offered by the school or community organizations. God only knows what opportunities await you if you make changes in your life that may include attending another university. The school you attend does not make you the person you are. Sure there is prestige but we all prove ourselves by our abilities and more importantly our character, our values, ethics, morals, how we treat others. A diploma from a prestigious school does not do that for us. A friend of mine attended a state university by getting a school loan, earned excellent grades and she became the first Director of Transportation on our island, created the first public transportation at a time when GenX needed it most. It took she and her husband 10 years to pay off their student loans because she got married when she was 19 and had two babies within the first 2 years. Fast forward 25 years and she is financially independent, owns lots of real estate, all accomplished by strength, determination, focus, goal setting and hard word. Her parents, btw, were dirt poor and were not able to give her so much as an allowance when she was in college. She earned every single penny by working part time and still got great grades. She was so focused.

Please consider your alternatives, opportunities for change and make good choices that will help you to soar without the lack of love from a dysfunctional father pulling you down.

Now GO FOR IT!!!
 
Go to the financial aid office immediately! They can help you fill out the paper work for a student loan which will not be payable until you graduate. They may also be able to help you with grants, work study and/or a job a that will work around your school schedule. Try to put the anger and disappointment away, that is the devil try to stop you.
God Bless!
 
Thank you all again so much for your kindness and sound advice. I don’t know what I’d do without you guys.

I did go to the financial aid office. The lady said they can actually transfer loan money from my financial aid package for the academic year and transfer it to apply to summer school. So that’s a big relief. I was freaking out a lot because I didn’t have a lot of time before the payment for the first summer session was due.

The downside is, of course, I will have to find a way to make up that difference once the fall semester starts. But I’m trying to take it one step at a time given my emotional state. She pointed me to some great alternative financing options. It’ll be hard, maybe not even possible, for me to finance next year. But with faith, prayer, and hard work I’m feeling more confident now that I’ll be able to find the best path for myself, in terms of my education and my emotional and mental health. I just really need to stop looking for support in places I’m not going to get it but, for whatever the reason, still desperately want it.

Thank you all again. God bless.
 
Another possibility: A lot of universities offer low-cost health insurance to their students, including summer plans. Maybe that would work.
 
Oh my God!!! I literally have goose bumps reading your last post, Apromisemade. Look at how much you have grown in just 24 hours!!! God our father is already working in your life. He sure doesn’t make it easy, though, does He?? 🙂

I just thought of a woman whose lectures I attended twice while. She told the story of how her first marriage was abusive and how she finally left her husband with three babies under five years of age in tow. She was determined to get a college education while raising those children. She enlisted the help of friends and family and was only able to repay them by house cleaning, running errands, etc. She worked full time and attended school at night. She said that she didn’t even know how to type but she learned on the job. IT TOOK HER 10 YEARS TO GET HER DEGREE. As an aside, she also made a list of all of the qualities she wanted in a husband right down to “brushes his teeth at least twice a day”. I’ll never forget that. She found him alright and they by now have been very happily married for about 40 years.

I tell you about these people because I want you to know that you are not alone.

God bless you always.
 
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