Just So Stressed Anymore

[lonegreywolf20]

I should be enjoying today, Christmas day, but instead I am stressed out and my stressing out seems to get worse as the weeks go by. You may have read my other thread, regarding stressing about not enough money for healthcare for my children. Still not sure what’s going on with that. Getting another job is not an option since the last time I have them, the more in child support I would have to pay, so what would be the point? I work my tail off, don’t get to see my kids but once a week and the extra money I make would go towards more child support.

I am trying to take a PTO day so that I can be there with my daughter for her first day of school, but we were never informed that the only person that handles PTO days will be on vacation for 2 weeks and may not be back in time to approve my PTO time in time for me to have the day off. Yet, we are required to have them in no later than three days before. So. I may miss her first day of school because my company is inconsiderate and didn’t give us a date to have PTO for the two weeks after Christmas in by. I feel like I am failing my daughter if I don’t get to go for her first day of school!

There doesn’t seem to be enough time today to do everything. I went to get my kids at 10am this morning so I can have them for Christmas day and then they go back tonight at 8pm, I just got the turkey in at 12:15 and I have to be to work at 4am tomorrow morning, which means I have to be up at 3am. My girlfriend, her son and her mom are coming over today to have Christmas dinner with us and exchange gifts. We may get to eat dinner around 6pm by the time all is said and done, I might get lucky and have everything cleaned up by the time the kids go home. Maybe three hours of sleep tonight and a 13+ hour shift tomorrow?

Add in that my apartments are raising the rent by $300 when all is said and done. Been looking for another place, but it’s all the same pricing.

Not enough time, not enough money, not enough anything and it’s stressing me out completely!

Oh, and my girlfriend informed me that she has had lots of blood when wiping her backside and that her family has a history of colon cancer.

I do not know what to do. I need help dealing with the stress of everything as I am getting to my breaking point.

**Please do not suggest getting a second job, I will not do that because spending one day a week with them for maybe 8 hours is not fair to them at all!

 

[Katie777]

I so sorry you are going through all of this. You are not failing your daughter. But I understand your frustration regarding time off. Something similar happened to me too this advent.

For me, I just focused on my blessings and prayed and it got me through it. That and alot of starbucks, lol.

I will be praying for your finances with you. May the peace of Jesus be with you this Christmas.

 

[Viki63]

This is the prayer I say every time I open a paycheck: “Thank you Lord that you supply all our needs according to the riches of your glory in Christ Jesus.” It has gotten me through years as a single parent and other difficult situations; God really does know what we need.

You are not failing your daughter. Is she entering kindergarten or nursery school? If so maybe her other parent could go with her the first day. If it’s an older grade, she doesn’t need a parent there with her. You can only do what you can do.

You could submit a request for PTO to your supervisor and explain your needs, and maybe he or she could facilitate the approval. I hate it when only one person can approve something & they’re unavailable. But that person must have a supervisor as well. It’s worth a try.

Thank God for the good things you have and try not to dwell on the things that are not great. In this world we will have trouble, he tells us, but cheer up – he has overcome the world.
God bless.

 

[lonegreywolf20]

She is entering pre-school and her other parent will be there with her, but I also need to be. I am her father and I should be there as I followed protocol on getting the day off. It is my time to take and there should be someone else that can deal with PTO requests.

My supervisor is the one that let me know that the person is now on vacation and no PTO requests are being handled. As I stated above, there should always be someone else to do it and if not, as you said, the supervisor should be given the power to do so.

If I don’t go, I will feel as though I failed her because I didn’t go and being told that I didn’t will not stop me from feeling like I have. I know she’ll be looking for me b2cause she is mostly bonded to me.

 

[TheLittleLady]

There are options you have not discussed.

What about making the effort to form a complete family with the mother of your children? When there are two parents in the home, expenses are shared, income is shared and kids know that either mom or dad will be there. You have cared for this woman or you would not have had children with her.

Sometimes people say that “staying together for the sake of the kids” is not a good reason to be married, but, what better reason than those kids?

 

[lonegreywolf20]

We were married for 6 years and she divorced me back in 2016.

Since then I have gotten a lack of form approved and moved on with my life, as has she. We are both in relationships over a year now.

So, there is no going back. She doesn’t want me back anyway and is much happier with her boyfriend. I have a wonderful relationship with my girlfriend and my family adores her, which is not something I had with my ex-wife. They hated her even though I loved her. Her family didn’t have much love for me either though. We didn’t heed the warning signs when we were dating and married, outside the church with no dispensation, anyway.

So, there is a good reason that option had not been discussed.

 

[Viki63]

Another option is to call in sick. I know, that’s not cool, but I’ve done it in my time because family trumps work.
That said, if her mother will be there, she will be fine. She’ll probably be playing with the other kids in five minutes and not need a parent.

 

[lonegreywolf20]

Unfortunately, my supervisor knows why I want the day off and will know that I was lying. I called out two days in November because I was sick and ended up getting talked to because I called out those two days.

I had called out four days total including those two days in the year that I have been there. To me, for the EMS field that is really good considering we’re around sick people each shift and in and out of hospitals and doctor’s offices.

I know that her mom will be there and not long after she enters the classroom she’ll forget about us, it’s that I want to be there for her first day of school as it’s the only first day of school she’ll have that is the actual first day of school.

 

[Xantippe]

She is entering pre-school and her other parent will be there with her, but I also need to be. I am her father and I should be there as I followed protocol on getting the day off.

You may not like the sound of this, but this is not as big a deal as you think it is.

Kids that age have a lot of special days–their birthday at school, their friends’ birthdays at school, Thanksgiving, Christmas, first 100 days, Valentine’s, Easter, end of school party, etc. For preschoolers, there’s something special happening every other week. (I have a 5-year-old in pre-k and something AMAZING and unforgettable happens at school literally every week. I’m not kidding.)

In fact, once you have 2+ kids in school, there will be more special events than you can possibly deal with, even if you didn’t work at all. I’m a SAHM of three children (the oldest being 15), and you wouldn’t believe how many super important kid events I haven’t made it to. I hear occasional kid complaints about stuff I missed, but not a lot.

If this is stressing you out a lot (and it sounds like you do have a lot of stress in your life), you may need to talk to your doctor or some other professional, because your reactions sound disproportionate to the events. Most dads don’t miss work for their kids’ first day of preschool.

You have a lot of stuff going on in your life, this is early days in your parenting career, and you’re going to need all the sick or personal days that you can lay your hands on. Don’t blow them on non-emergencies!

 

[Xantippe]

I wonder if there’s a way for you to find a dad mentor?

Women normally talk over mom stuff with their friends to figure out how to deal with problems. You sound like you’re trying to figure this all out on your own, and I think it would help a lot if you didn’t have to keep on reinventing the wheel over and over again.

I might even suggest that you put out the bat signal on CAF asking for advice for men who have been divorced single dads, as to how they dealt with it. There are a number of older dads like that who have successfully raised families, and I think a lot of the issues you are dealing with are ones that you might get some good insight from somebody who has already done it.

 

[F_Marturana]

Do you need the whole day off? If your work hours normally start at 4:00, couldn’t you take an early lunch in order to go over to the school and see her in and meet the teachers?

 

[lonegreywolf20]

We don’t get lunch breaks actually. We eat when we can and normally it’s on the run. We do get time to eat, but we don’t get what one would call a set lunch break where we can say between this time and this time we get lunch. Many times as we’re eating we get a call from dispatch saying we have a call.

I can’t also guarantee where I will be as we can travel the state to pick up or drop off.

I am still holding out hope that I will get the day off.

 

[lonegreywolf20]

I will agree to disagree with both of your replies to me on this and am going to ask that you no longer reply to my posts as they are only upsetting me more.

You do not know me other than what you have read on here and therefore you do not know or understand how important it is for me to be there. I don’t care that most dads aren’t there for their child’s first day of school. I want to be and am going to try and make that happen.

Again, please do not reply to my posts anymore as you truly aren’t helping and only making me more upset. Others seem to understand and are trying to help me get the day off.

 

[Xantippe]

I will agree to disagree with both of your replies to me on this and am going to ask that you no longer reply to my posts as they are only upsetting me more.

You do not know me other than what you have read on here and therefore you do not know or understand how important it is for me to be there. I don’t care that most dads aren’t there for their child’s first day of school. I want to be and am going to try and make that happen.

Again, please do not reply to my posts anymore as you truly aren’t helping and only making me more upset. Others seem to understand and are trying to help me get the day off.

–This is a moderated public forum. Posters who are civil and on-topic get to post wherever they please.
–You asked for advice, and I’m using a combination of my personal experience as a mother who has sent three children to preschool and the information that you supplied to provide an answer (namely that missing the first day of preschool is not that big a deal).
–If you’re upset by my posts, there’s something seriously wrong with your ability to deal with disagreement. Again, please seek advice from your pastor, counselor, your children’s pediatrician, the preschool teacher, an older dad, or an auntie or grandma in your family with a lot of experience with children.
–If you don’t give all relevant information, you’re not going to get good answers.
–You may not get the day off. In that case, what I’m telling you (that it’s not that important) may indeed prove to be helpful to you.

Best wishes.

 

[lonegreywolf20]

Yes, this is a public forum, but if someone asked me to no longer reply to their posts, being the person that I am I would respect that request and no longer post.

I thought others would show me that same respect.

As I said, you don’t know me other than by what I post and by saying that missing her only first first day of school is no big deal shows me that you are not understanding how important it is to me not miss it which you should see by my posts that I am not your typical father.

I am going to ask one more time that you respect my request to not reply to me any further, I hope you show me that respect

 

[Clementine14]

She is entering pre-school and her other parent will be there with her, but I also need to be. I am her father and I should be there as I followed protocol on getting the day off. It is my time to take and there should be someone else that can deal with PTO requests.

Anywhere I have worked, there have been times of year or certain days that were not allowed to be taken off. My husband has “blackout” periods and times when he is on call and cannot take vacation. I think this is fairly normal. We have to plan around it. So, I would consider yourself lucky if you can generally take days off whenever you want as long as they are approved beforehand. Perhaps the person responsible for approving time should have sent out a notice to put in requests before a certain date, so I can understand why you are frustrated.

But I do agree that a first day of preschool, in the grand scheme of things, is not something to worry too much about. It’s nice that you want to be there, but really, you aren’t driving her to college. This is the type of thing that people might get irritated about, but then accept it and move on with life. If you are this stressed and upset about it, it seems like there is more going on. You mentioned that you are “getting to your breaking point” and that you need help dealing with stress; this is something a mental health professional would be better qualified to help you with. Sometimes when we are overwhelmed little things become too much to bear, and I think that’s a sign to seek help. This is much more important than seeing your daughter go to preschool. She needs a Dad who can handle minor life stresses and show her how to handle them gracefully too.

 

[lonegreywolf20]

Okay, now it seems no one is truly understanding why this is upsetting me and I’m not sure how much better I can explain it other than i am not your typical father.

I am going to take my girlfriend’s advice and no longer post on these forums for advice because people here don’t know me and will not understand why this is causing me stress. That they are going to put their own bias into it and not think of the bigger picture or even try to really understand why this upsets me.

Hope you all have a great New Year, I’m out!

 

[guanophore]

It is a sign of a dysfunctional system that something cannot be accomplished because one person is not at work.

If I don’t go, I will feel as though I failed her because I didn’t go and being told that I didn’t will not stop me from feeling like I have.

These are expectations you are putting upon yourself, not very realistic ones, and you seem to be making decisions based on your emotions. Unreallistic expecdtations and emotional reasoning are a recipe for stress. If you wish to live a troubled, anxious life, you have found the best way to do it!

 

[guanophore]

I will agree to disagree with both of your replies to me on this and am going to ask that you no longer reply to my posts as they are only upsetting me more.

Again, please do not reply to my posts anymore as you truly aren’t helping and only making me more upset. Others seem to understand and are trying to help me get the day off.

It sounds like you are not open to any feedback that does not support your position. This is a problematic attitude.

If you’re upset by my posts, there’s something seriously wrong with your ability to deal with disagreement.

Yep. Unfortunately a person with such a serious deficit will have difficulty instilling openness in their offspring.

As I said, you don’t know me other than by what I post and by saying that missing her only first first day of school is no big deal shows me that you are not understanding how important it is to me not miss it

Or that your expectations are not realistic.

Okay, now it seems no one is truly understanding why this is upsetting me and I’m not sure how much better I can explain it

Or, perhaps we understand it differently! Perhaps it is obvious to a number of people that you have set yourself up for anxiety and disappointment by your way of thinking.

 

[lonegreywolf20]

Just want to give an update to this thread.

I just noticed today because I received the text this morning from the app my job uses for scheduling that I was granted the PTO for tomorrow.