Justice or Vengeance

[PhiloMed]

Talk about burying the lead. The problem here is that you have a manipulative molester brother. The house is irrelevant. Why is the house and inheritance even being mentioned?

Is $40K somehow the going rate for allowing one’s niece to be abused?

 

[Xantippe]

The family has been working around the brother’s evil so long that they forget that other people don’t know (for instance niece).

pervocracy.blogspot.com/2012/06/missing-stair.html

"Have you ever been in a house that had something just egregiously wrong with it? Something massively unsafe and uncomfortable and against code, but everyone in the house had been there a long time and was used to it? “Oh yeah, I almost forgot to tell you, there’s a missing step on the unlit staircase with no railings. But it’s okay because we all just remember to jump over it.”

“Some people are like that missing stair.”

(The blogger there is from a non-standard sexual community and their morals are naturally not our own, but they seem to know a lot about perverts and communities that protect them.)

 

[mommy_k]

I will consider telling her but only with her parents and my sisters consent.

This is not what I meant-if your niece is being supervised by two ill parents she needs to have a competant guardian…especially in this case.

She should not have been allowed to go there–even with your mom there. One reason is your mom was older and sick-it takes 2 seconds to be exposed to abuse. This should have been addressed then.

I humbly say this too because–Someone should have been protecting you and your siblings too from him from the time of the first incident years ago.

Seems iike you are now trying to clean up the mess of a lifetime. I understand you think the house is a tool to get your brother out of all of your lives-but there is a chance that he will remain there–or even so, move close by into his own place.

I would work on family members to move on from him-regardless of what happens with the house–This is the important part. His influence will continue to be a threat if there is contact.

 

[As_for_my_House]

**

As a side note**: I am completely baffled that the primary concern in this family was an inheritance and a house. There is a minor child here very likely being groomed and about to be sexually assaulted, and this family is upset about this brother inheriting a house and how to keep it from happening this family seriously has problems and priorities mixed up I will be praying very hard.
There are so many layers to this situation.

I did not want to talk about the molestation and rape. It happened over 25 years ago. I just wanted to get my brother out of the house and away from the rest of the family , especially my younger brother and my niece. THIS IS NOT ABOUT MONEY! though my youngest brother does live in poverty and the selling and distribution would greatly help him and my sister.
I’m sorry if I sounded like I am looking for a windfall, but I am NOT able to undertake substantial financial obligations. I have already funded part of the funeral expenses.

This is a learning process for me and I hope that you never have to go though what I am going though right now because you would find out that there is almost no support out there for a situation like this, unless you are willing or able to spend thousands of dollars in legal fees.

Also the details of the molestation and rape have been newly brought to light during these past 3 weeks. I sorry to say that it was mentally swept under the rug for years, but the anger wasn’t. My prayers in trying to understand why I can’t let it go have bought out this fear for my niece.

I really don’t care what you think of my motives. As long as you pray!

 

[As_for_my_House]

This is not what I meant-if your niece is being supervised by two ill parents she needs to have a competant guardian…especially in this case.

She should not have been allowed to go there–even with your mom there. One reason is your mom was older and sick-it takes 2 seconds to be exposed to abuse. This should have been addressed then.

I humbly say this too because–Someone should have been protecting you and your siblings too from him from the time of the first incident years ago.

Seems iike you are now trying to clean up the mess of a lifetime. I understand you think the house is a tool to get your brother out of all of your lives-but there is a chance that he will remain there–or even so, move close by into his own place.

I would work on family members to move on from him-regardless of what happens with the house–This is the important part. His influence will continue to be a threat if there is contact.

I think you understand. It’s a way to get him out of our lives. No, he won’t buy a house near by. He says he hates the neighborhood but he could, there is no guarantee.

So what is your plan ?

 

[Xantippe]

There are so many layers to this situation.

I did not want to talk about the molestation and rape. It happened over 25 years ago. I just wanted to get my brother out of the house and away from the rest of the family , especially my younger brother and my niece. THIS IS NOT ABOUT MONEY! though my youngest brother does live in poverty and the selling and distribution would greatly help him and my sister.
I’m sorry if I sounded like I am looking for a windfall, but I am NOT able to undertake substantial financial obligations. I have already funded part of the funeral expenses.

This is a learning process for me and I hope that you never have to go though what I am going though right now because you would find out that there is almost no support out there for a situation like this, unless you are willing or able to spend thousands of dollars in legal fees.

Also the details of the molestation and rape have been newly brought to light during these past 3 weeks. I sorry to say that it was mentally swept under the rug for years, but the anger wasn’t. My prayers in trying to understand why I can’t let it go have bought out this fear for my niece.

I really don’t care what you think of my motives. As long as you pray!

Getting him out of the house won’t necessarily get him away from the rest of the family. You’ve said he has money–he can live wherever he wants to, which might be even closer to your niece.

Just on the financials, it’s very unlikely that you and the two other siblings will clear anything substantial from the sale of this house, especially if you have to fight him.

Talk to a lawyer, talk to an accountant, let them figure out the most painless way to get away from your current financial tie to your brother–but focus your energy on figuring out how to keep you and yours safe.

 

[As_for_my_House]

Getting him out of the house won’t necessarily get him away from the rest of the family. You’ve said he has money–he can live wherever he wants to, which might be even closer to your niece.

Just on the financials, it’s very unlikely that you and the two other siblings will clear anything substantial from the sale of this house, especially if you have to fight him.

Talk to a lawyer, talk to an accountant, let them figure out the most painless way to get away from your current financial tie to your brother–but focus your energy on figuring out how to keep you and yours safe.

Again, I asking for a real plan. It’s easy to say call a lawyer or accountant. They cost money! Lots!
Are you familiar with all the psychological garbage that this kind of dysfunction perpetrates? Do you realize that my niece has no place to go when her parents get depressed? So she went to Grandmom’s. I know what its like to want to stay with my mother instead of being taken away from my family and put into foster care.
As soon as I could, I moved away, far away. I left them but they are my family!!

Now I have a chance to help. What would you do? Walk away? Sink money into lawyers? Take a bullet?

 

[EnglishTeacher]

Again, I asking for a real plan. It’s easy to say call a lawyer or accountant. They cost money! Lots!
Are you familiar with all the psychological garbage that this kind of dysfunction perpetrates? Do you realize that my niece has no place to go when her parents get depressed? So she went to Grandmom’s. I know what its like to want to stay with my mother instead of being taken away from my family and put into foster care.
As soon as I could, I moved away, far away. I left them but they are my family!!

Now I have a chance to help. What would you do? Walk away? Sink money into lawyers? Take a bullet?

Perhaps you could find a lawyer for free through your local Legal Aid. It depends on what is available in your area and what your income level is, but it is worth looking into.

 

[Xantippe]

Perhaps you could find a lawyer for free through your local Legal Aid. It depends on what is available in your area and what your income level is, but it is worth looking into.

Right.

 

[Xantippe]

Again, I asking for a real plan. It’s easy to say call a lawyer or accountant. They cost money! Lots!
Are you familiar with all the psychological garbage that this kind of dysfunction perpetrates? Do you realize that my niece has no place to go when her parents get depressed? So she went to Grandmom’s. I know what its like to want to stay with my mother instead of being taken away from my family and put into foster care.
As soon as I could, I moved away, far away. I left them but they are my family!!

Now I have a chance to help. What would you do? Walk away? Sink money into lawyers? Take a bullet?

There’s no way to get out of this quickly and safely that doesn’t involve some legal expertise.

You are tied at the hip financially with a psychopath once you co-own a house with your brother. You need to undo that tie and do it perfectly in the eyes of the law, or you open yourself up to endless (and very expensive) grief.

I think you probably can get out of this relatively cheaply, but get your priorities straight.

1. Protect your niece by telling her her uncle is a rapist.
2. Get out of the co-ownership
3. Anything else

 

[As_for_my_House]

I didn’t think that you were looking for money, you were clear that your mother’s house wasn’t worth a lot of money. It just seemed that priorities were misplaced, the details of the story are coming out in bits and pieces here and are extremely confusing.

I still stand by my initial advice to explain to your niece that she is in extreme danger. The way to get your brother away from her by getting him out of the house/neighborhood could take several months if not a year or LONGER but you already knew that. This places your niece at risk during that entire time. I thought you knew about these sexual assaults for years, this has only come to light recently? This is getting more confusing. Please be assured of my prayers. I am sorry you are going through this.

My sister and I are astranged. Because of my mother’s funeraI, I have had to have alot of contact with my sister. Stories about my brother came out when I confided in my sister about the recent abusive behavior of my brother. Old wounds got reopened, memories flooded in.
Based on my sister’s retelling of her story, clarifying details, her age his age and that he did eventually rape her, it became clear to me that this was a possible threat to my niece (and his own daughters a well) I now have a clearer picture that this was not something that was properly dealt with by my mother and her psychiatrist at the time when my sister told my mother about the rape. I saw my sister wounds and I accepted that they are real.

There is still a part of me that says that I am making too much of this because it happened when he was still a teenager. I am aware that I am not making sense.

 

[As_for_my_House]

There’s no way to get out of this quickly and safely that doesn’t involve some legal expertise.

You are tied at the hip financially with a psychopath once you co-own a house with your brother. You need to undo that tie and do it perfectly in the eyes of the law, or you open yourself up to endless (and very expensive) grief.

I think you probably can get out of this relatively cheaply, but get your priorities straight.

1. Protect your niece by telling her her uncle is a rapist.

This I am convinced has to happen, so I agree. She won’t believe me and this may push her further to him out of sympathy.

1. Get out of the co-ownership.
   I’m not an owner until I apply for administrator-ship. (a 500.00 fee) which would entitle me to sell the house and put me in the position of having to evict the squatters- my psycho brother and now his 3 daughters (found out today the daughter #3, teen mama, is moving back in)and their 3 fatherless babies.
2. Anything else

?

 

[As_for_my_House]

Perhaps you could find a lawyer for free through your local Legal Aid. It depends on what is available in your area and what your income level is, but it is worth looking into.

Legal aid is for poor people, not for acquiring estates or evicting squatters.

 

[Xantippe]

?

About your niece–even if she doesn’t believe you, it will put the thought in her head, she’ll be more cautious (even without meaning to), and she’ll know that if he does anything untoward, that she will be believed.

So, even if she keeps going over there, it’s not wasted effort.

 

[mommy_k]

First, personally I would inform your niece that she should not go over there anymore because it is not safe to do so. She needs to be trusted to listen and not to say anything to your brother. You do not want to have your brother go ballistic right now.

Then I would go online to free legal advice websites-- I would check first is how to have the estate reimburse you for any filing fees and so on–because there is no will. I would visit the library too.

Here is the hard part- Seperate the emotion from the task at hand. I don’t think it is the house or money perse for you…it is what the house represents. Forget that for now.

Visit your brother (with your siblings if possible)- and approach him in a non-confrontational manner. Inform him that the house will be divided, and ask him what his plans are. You will get more out of him if he feels he is involved in the decision making.

Present some options too-such as buying you all out-think of this as a business transaction-nothing more or less- do not let him know about your personal finaces-let him think you will pursue a lawyer if he gets difficult.

Keep emotions out of this-the minute he sees you sweat, or argue-he won, so you may as well just hand him the keys. If you cannot pull this off right now-give it a few weeks until you can do it. And you can…

The way he reacts will dictate what is needed next. I hope this brings you peace and closure. My continued prayers for you-- for the strength to resolve this with dignity and for Jesus’ peace to be with you at this difficult time.

 

[Xantippe]

First, personally I would inform your niece that she should not go over there anymore because it is not safe to do so. She needs to be trusted to listen and not to say anything to your brother. You do not want to have your brother go ballistic right now.

Then I would go online to free legal advice websites-- I would check first is how to have the estate reimburse you for any filing fees and so on–because there is no will. I would visit the library too.

Here is the hard part-** Seperate the emotion from the task at hand. I don’t think it is the house or money perse for you…it is what the house represents.** Forget that for now.

Visit your brother (with your siblings if possible)- and approach him in a non-confrontational manner. Inform him that the house will be divided, and ask him what his plans are. You will get more out of him if he feels he is involved in the decision making.

**Present some options too-such as buying you all out-think of this as a business transaction-nothing more or less- do not let him know about your personal finaces-let him think you will pursue a lawyer if he gets difficult. **

Keep emotions out of this-the minute he sees you sweat, or argue-he won, so you may as well just hand him the keys. If you cannot pull this off right now-give it a few weeks until you can do it. And you can…

The way he reacts will dictate what is needed next. I hope this brings you peace and closure. My continued prayers for you-- for the strength to resolve this with dignity and for Jesus’ peace to be with you at this difficult time.

Very good.

 

[As_for_my_House]

First, personally I would inform your niece that she should not go over there anymore because it is not safe to do so. She needs to be trusted to listen and not to say anything to your brother. You do not want to have your brother go ballistic right now.

Then I would go online to free legal advice websites-- I would check first is how to have the estate reimburse you for any filing fees and so on–because there is no will. I would visit the library too.

Here is the hard part- Seperate the emotion from the task at hand. I don’t think it is the house or money perse for you…it is what the house represents. Forget that for now.

Visit your brother (with your siblings if possible)- and approach him in a non-confrontational manner. Inform him that the house will be divided, and ask him what his plans are. You will get more out of him if he feels he is involved in the decision making.

Present some options too-such as buying you all out-think of this as a business transaction-nothing more or less- do not let him know about your personal finaces-let him think you will pursue a lawyer if he gets difficult. He tells his children that I am rich (because I don’t live in a pigsty, I still live in a house that I bought when my business was doing very well) and probably that I am cheap because I can’t afford new cars, expensive cable and cell phone and to go out to dinner. So I supect as most of the extended family says that I am a money hoarder with lots in the bank. This is another thing that he does to create hostility.

The truth is that I do live in a very upscale house but I am very house poor because of a bad business decision my husband made, coupled with the crash of the economy years back. Actually, I’m one of the best people I know when it comes to spending money properly. I spend most of my extra money on other people, its money well spent.
My mom’s best friend pulled me aside at the funeral and gave me money, she said to use it however I pleased. Normally I would give a gift like that back but she is a woman of good and generous character and to her this is what money is for- I understood that and will use the money to benefit someone when the time comes. I am grateful that my mother had a friend like her. She was one of the shining stars in my mother’s life. I wish that I could be as good as she is.

Keep emotions out of this-the minute he sees you sweat, or argue-he won, so you may as well just hand him the keys. If you cannot pull this off right now-give it a few weeks until you can do it. And you can…

The way he reacts will dictate what is needed next. I hope this brings you peace and closure. My continued prayers for you-- for the strength to resolve this with dignity and for Jesus’ peace to be with you at this difficult time.

I will have to confront him soon because waiting too long makes things more complicated. Taxes, unpaid bills, and people at the courthouse question why it took so long to file.
My emotions are raw right now. My anger is off the charts.

I will talk to my sister again today and my younger brother especially about the situation with my niece. My other nieces are too turned against me so I can’t help them.

I thank you all for your advice and concern. It has helped me begin to sort this mess out and order my priorities.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

I’m assuming you are a guy. I’m a 55 year old woman and my brother has guns, (not for hunting either). I can’t be anyone’s nightmare unless I’m willing to get a gun and go Clint Eastwood on him. The city police are terribly laid back when it comes to domestic affairs.

I over the year, I have tried to help my mother, and siblings go to the proper authorities. No one feels safe when a hate filled person owns guns.

One story I have to point this out, is about the day his oldest daughter brought her boyfriend to visit for Christmas. My brother took a bullet and put it in a small gift bag and gave it to him. He told him" this is what’s going to happen to you, if anything happens to my daughter". I wanted the boyfriend to report the incident to the police. My brother claimed that it was just a joke. The boyfriend never came around again.

If I could just find a way to get him out of that house…

Yes, I am a guy. Sorry, I can understand why you would be afraid to be as bold as I have suggested. If I was in your situation, I would not go “Clint Eastwood” on him, but I would get armed up ready to protect myself if I had to tell that man that he better not touch my niece or I would go to the police. But yeah, I am a 31 year old guy with no kids and no wife.

I have no solution to this problem. I have my own family issues but they are nothing compared to this as I was able to beat up the thorn in my side in the family when he was a 40 year old man and I was a 20 year old kid. He could not harm me on his best day if he planned it for years because he is too slow in the mind anyways. All I can do is offer my prayers then. For you and any of your family that are potentially in danger from this guy. God bless.

 

[As_for_my_House]

Yes, I am a guy. Sorry, I can understand why you would be afraid to be as bold as I have suggested. If I was in your situation, I would not go “Clint Eastwood” on him, but I would get armed up ready to protect myself if I had to tell that man that he better not touch my niece or I would go to the police. But yeah, I am a 31 year old guy with no kids and no wife.

I have no solution to this problem. I have my own family issues but they are nothing compared to this as I was able to beat up the thorn in my side in the family when he was a 40 year old man and I was a 20 year old kid. He could not harm me on his best day if he planned it for years because he is too slow in the mind anyways. All I can do is offer my prayers then. For you and any of your family that are potentially in danger from this guy. God bless.

Thank you, your concern and prayers are greatly appreciated .

 

[Listener]

People here can pray for you, but it is hard to know what advice to give, since we don’t even know what state you live in. It seems to me that this is kind of a done deal. If the house goes through probate, the state will appoint someone to handle the estate. Whoever handles it will have to be paid. If there is no money, the house will probably have to be sold to pay the legal fees and any outstanding taxes or mortgages. I’m not really sure if there is anything you can do to change the sequence of events that the state will follow. You obviously can’t sign the house over to your brother, since you don’t own the house.

I was listening to Suze Orman the other day, and she was telling a horror story about what happens in the State of California when a house goes through probate. She said that the State gets a fee of something like $10,000 when the house has to be sold. Suze Orman is a smart lady, and you might learn something by checking some of her books out at the library.

Maybe someone here has been in a situation where a relative has died with no will and could share what happened.

Other than that, my advice would be to avoid the brother as much as possible and sit back and see what the state does with the house. Personally, I would want nothing to do with a house in that kind of shape, but I would certainly accept my share of the money if there was anything left over after the state sold it.

Your brother made his bed, now he has to lie in it!