Justification for dumping a friendship?

[SeekingWisdom]

I was thinking about letting a friend go, blocking them on Facebook and such and telling them why, but I am not sure I am justified. I think though, I have turned enough cheeks.

So, I am curious, under what circumstances would you dump a friendship?

 

[flyingfish]

I was thinking about letting a friend go, blocking them on Facebook and such and telling them why, but I am not sure I am justified. I think though, I have turned enough cheeks.

So, I am curious, under what circumstances would you dump a friendship?

I would dump a friendship if the friend did or said something hurtful to me. Things like insults, boyfriend stealing, lying/manipulating, spreading rumors about me are some things that come to mind.

(The last time this happened was in the early years of high school for me. Since then I haven’t met people like that.)

I have randomly ended friendships with men without explanation when they behaved in a creepy way around me.

 

[Crumpy]

This forum is for Christian advice. I wonder about the same things, too. I feel I have been dumped for a variety of reasons. When it happens, I usually don’t know what hit me. It just occurs to me what has happened.

That’s one approach to take: do nothing hurtful directly to the person or indirectly by spreading gossip or such.

A bit stronger approach is to communicate with them distantly, such as through email (I suppose) and just bring up the issue, in a general way – if there has been obvious abuse, this may be pointless.

If the relationship has reached a destructive phase, then it’s time to back way off and fill up your time with something else. If someone was trying to teach you a lesson or communicate something to you – your silence will reflect that you got the lesson or communication.

I think this kind of thing happens all too often. But, you have to know the limits of a relationship / friendship.

In grad school, I used to help this woman (about my age) with copies of class notes and gave some assistance with our work assignments. Then, I had a need to do a role reversal and ask for some help – I found out she was very resentful about the help I had given her. She had a sarcastic demeanor that floored me, after I had helped her a couple times (I had held nothing back from her).

All I could do was clam up and retreat. There was nothing to say to her, after her outburst. “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” didn’t work here, not even close.

This is not easy, even with a shallow acquaintance. No telling what a “friend” will do.

Keep in mind that people act very immaturely and childishly. A friend once said to me, Crumpy, it’s all personal. don’t ever forget that.

Part of what I’m saying is that what you do may haunt you, as well.

 

[fabricdragon]

Turning the other cheek does not mean continuing to go where you are not wanted or welcome…
it doesnt mean continuing to be in an abusive relationship (friend or otherwise)

it means, that you have a forgiving nature. you dont “hit back” just because you are hurt.

cutting someone off to prevent them from continuing to hurt you, is fine.
cutting someone off to hurt them, not so much

i would spend some time writing a calm statement. something like:
____, we dont seem to be able to deal with each other peacefully, i always feel that i am being attacked, and frankly… i spend too much time feeling hurt after we get together. i prefer to think that this is accidental, but its still hurtful, and i think i need to spend time doing things that are better for me"

 

[flyingfish]

I would add that you don’t really need a justification for dumping a friendship, you don’t owe it to anyone to be their friend. If you feel like it, there’s nothing wrong with simply stopping interaction. Most friendships probably end this way, with people falling out of touch rather than some specific negative event triggering the end of a friendship.

But in your situation it seems this person has wronged you and you want them to know it.

Out of curiosity, what did they do? What they did would help you decide whether it’s justified to give them a piece of your mind before cutting ties.

 

[monicatholic]

‘ending a friendship’ has a connotation that perhaps, it’s a healthy move. ‘dumping’ a friend or friendships conjures up a motive of revenge. for the love of God, for the peace of your soul, and for the good of the other person, avoid revenge.

do good. remember-- most of our friends will ***not ***be our friends for life.

 

[beckers]

Friendship don’t have to last forever. Some are only meant for a short time. You don’t need a “justification” in letting a friendship go.

I had a best friend a women who was like a sister to me, who dump me by email. Worst exeprience ever so i wouldn’t recommend it. It took me awhile to process what was really wrong with our relationship and why it took a wrong turn. Made me weary of letting people close especial other women. No reason to go into all the nitty details about why you want to end it because then it seems like you are judgemental and nity pick about their faults with out recognizing your own. That can leave a bad taste in the other person mouth and then if they tell someone you start to get a bad name.

I recommend just not making contact with this friend. Make them be the one to contact you. Go ahead and limit their access on facebook. I have certain friends who can only see certain things. If they want to get together then just say your busy.

 

[lwest]

I think it’s ok to analyze a friendship and if you determine that this person is showing characteristics that are unhealthy, to distance yourself. I like the examples a previous poster mentioned: manipulative behavior, spreading rumors, etc. Those are good reasons not to want to be someone’s friend.

Sometimes it’s worth having a conversation about the friendship ending but I think it’s more common to just ‘blow it off’. Conversations like that easily turn into confrontations so be forewarned. People don’t like to hear about their faults and they can get pretty defensive when they’re called out on things. Or they lie or try to turn it around on you. What do you want this conversation to accomplish? Just be careful. Sounds like this person has hurt you enough?

Good luck, though, and may God be with you.

 

[SeekingWisdom]

Thanks for the advice everyone. As for this being a forum for Christian advice, yeah, that’s why I’m here!
Well, here is what it’s about: Perhaps my biggest resentment comes from the fact that now, when I see her on Facebook, she only ever talks about herself. I’ve never seen her comment on anyone who has a prayer request, anyone who has a date, or anything! I don’t live near her anymore, so maybe from a distance, I see more clearly. We used to go to a lot of Catholic events, and I would say 90% of the time, we talked about guys SHE met, guys SHE wanted to date, even the one I gushed about, since I thought he might make a good match for me intellectually, she dated him too! Even after she got married, she would call me and tell me how, for instance, she ran into an old boyfriend who was SOOOOOOO disappointed she got married. Like she’s the big prize to be won and all these men are crying in their beer since she is no longer available. I am probably envious, I admit, since I am not married, but long to be. Yes, this is just my side of it, but am I wrong to think it’s out of whack? Because I’m not so sure I’m getting anything out of this.

 

[lwest]

She sounds pretty self-absorbed. Maybe she doesn’t realize what she’s doing so I’d definitely keep her in your prayers. My advice would be to not have a conversation about your friendship with this person. It’d probably cause you more grief. Just stop calling her. If she calls and she wants to brag about thsi or that, humor her if you feel up to it. If not, excuse yourself and get off the phone. I doubt if she’d even notice and she’ll probably just move on to someone else who’s willing to listen to her drone on. But I wouldn’t put much stock in this ‘friendship’. A true friendship is reciprocal to some degree, right? Good luck and hang in there. It’s not you. It’s her.

 

[flyingfish]

Thanks for the advice everyone. As for this being a forum for Christian advice, yeah, that’s why I’m here!
Well, here is what it’s about: Perhaps my biggest resentment comes from the fact that now, when I see her on Facebook, she only ever talks about herself. I’ve never seen her comment on anyone who has a prayer request, anyone who has a date, or anything! I don’t live near her anymore, so maybe from a distance, I see more clearly. We used to go to a lot of Catholic events, and I would say 90% of the time, we talked about guys SHE met, guys SHE wanted to date, even the one I gushed about, since I thought he might make a good match for me intellectually, she dated him too! Even after she got married, she would call me and tell me how, for instance, she ran into an old boyfriend who was SOOOOOOO disappointed she got married. Like she’s the big prize to be won and all these men are crying in their beer since she is no longer available.** I am probably envious, I admit, since I am not married, but long to be. Yes, this is just my side of it, but am I wrong to think it’s out of whack? Because I’m not so sure I’m getting anything out of this.**

It’s pretty natural to feel what you’re feeling. This woman has been very successful romantically, and she flaunts it. It makes you feel bad. I think you’re right to want to cut ties, why be friends with someone who only reminds you of how bad you feel about being single and shows off all the time.

 

[rayne89]

Thanks for the advice everyone. As for this being a forum for Christian advice, yeah, that’s why I’m here!
Well, here is what it’s about: Perhaps my biggest resentment comes from the fact that now, when I see her on Facebook, she only ever talks about herself. I’ve never seen her comment on anyone who has a prayer request, anyone who has a date, or anything! I don’t live near her anymore, so maybe from a distance, I see more clearly. We used to go to a lot of Catholic events, and I would say 90% of the time, we talked about guys SHE met, guys SHE wanted to date, even the one I gushed about, since I thought he might make a good match for me intellectually, she dated him too! Even after she got married, she would call me and tell me how, for instance, she ran into an old boyfriend who was SOOOOOOO disappointed she got married. Like she’s the big prize to be won and all these men are crying in their beer since she is no longer available. I am probably envious, I admit, since I am not married, but long to be. Yes, this is just my side of it, but am I wrong to think it’s out of whack? Because I’m not so sure I’m getting anything out of this.

I would just let this friendship die I wouldn’t unfriend her on facebook. You can actually “hide” her posts so you don’t have to see what she says. Maybe after a while of no interaction unfriend her -just let it fade. Explaining to her why would just give her more attention and drama which is what she seems to crave in her self absorbed state of mind. She will interpret your explanation as jealousy and that will just give her more to brag on.

 

[Rascalking]

Several people on my Facebook I simply ignore. Just letting it fade is the right thing to do.

 

[Sina]

I know the kind of personality you are talking about. People grow out of friendships. She was probably a fun friend at one point and is no longer. I wouldn’t outright ban her and tell her you don’t want to be friends with her, as this can be hurtful and leave her wondering. I would just slowly speak less to her and let the friendship just lay low. It sounds like it wont be too hard since you live in different areas anyways. If she annoys you on facebook, you can block her news feed comments.

Has she really changed much over the years or has your tolerance just gone down? If you accepted her then, why not now? I have a lot of friends who drive me nuts, and some, even some pain… but I wouldn’t ever outright tell someone to get out of my life. I would just not spend as much time with them.

I am sure you pray for her too. Sounds like she needs it.

 

[chevalier]

I tend to agree with Sina.

 

[SeekingWisdom]

Has she really changed much over the years or has your tolerance just gone down? If you accepted her then, why not now? I have a lot of friends who drive me nuts, and some, even some pain… but I wouldn’t ever outright tell someone to get out of my life. I would just not spend as much time with them.

I am sure you pray for her too. Sounds like she needs it.

My tolerance has gone down considerably, as well as I have changed a lot in the few years since she’s gotten married and hasn’t live near me. I used to be the shy geeky friend who had no clue how to dress, make myself up, or deal with men very well. So that now, I have a clue in those areas, of course, I cannot date right now. And in fact, she discovered that I had started being really into my clothes and stuff, she was utterly shocked! I guess she thought I was just so clueless I would never care. Not that I was slobby before, just, unaware (you girls know what I mean. )
In the past couple of years I have been through all kinds of personal troubles, and really, while some days are the pits, most days I am really thankful that I have food and shelter. I think she’s never been dirt poor like I am now, and so my perception about things has changed considerably. Like for instance, the day she pitched a hissy fit on Facebook because their 3rd offer on a beach house was not accepted, I think was the day I was really happy I could afford meat for dinner (I have my own business and my income is low and erratic) because it was Sunday. Things like that. I’m not so shallow anymore. One thing about tough times, though is that you get to know yourself and others really well. And I’ve gotten some lovely prayers here on CAF, for that I am very thankful.

And to the person who said she was successful romantically? Yes, she was, but I would not want to be her.

Oh, and thank you thank you for the Facebook tip! I will go hide her.

 

[sheilathebard]

I am perfectly willing to let a friendship fade away as other people have mentioned if I realize I just don’t get along with the person anymore, or if we have grown apart in interests. However, to actually “break up” with a friend – unfriend them on Facebook, tell them I am no longer their friend, stop speaking with them – they would have had to have done something really big.

There is one friend I cut off almost completely – though we still touch base now and again – because she broke up with her boyfriend of two years and got engaged to a very questionable character a month later. Later she explained this by saying she’d actually been with the second guy for the last six months but hadn’t told her first boyfriend … so she just kept them both for awhile. That basically tipped me off that we had no real common values anymore. Occasionally I have had a huge fight with a friend that leaves the friendship basically gone.

But, if this person is doing nothing other than being her normal (rather self-centered) self, I don’t think it’s fair to do a large-scale, dramatic breakup. Hide her on Facebook (she will never know … it just saves you the annoyance of having to read the posts that bother you), don’t call and keep it short when she calls you, don’t get together much – presumably she has other friends and will find a way to scrape along without you! But I think it’s only fair to keep in touch a little bit, keep up on her life and update her on yours, to avoid causing unnecessary drama and hurt. After all, it is unlikely that she’d change her outlook on life just because you told her to, at the moment when you also tell her that you never want to hear from her again.