Keep feeling guilty

  • Thread starter Thread starter halogirl
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
H

halogirl

Guest
I’m so sorry to do this on Christmas but I’ve just got into a loop here. What do you do, other than pray, when you keep feeling guilt over a situation?

I keep feeling like I helped to kill my dad, back in June, by consenting, along with my brother to the Doctors’ suggested palliative care pathway when he passed away. We went along with what the doctors recommended and what we felt he would have wanted ( he was terminally ill with motor neuron disease and was getting progressively worse, and had a DNR in place ) but actually succumbed to pneumonia, linked to MND complications, that they told us they could not reverse. He was unable to communicate by this point so we had to make a decision. They said would you like us to keep him comfortable/ remove his feeding tube? He will probably go very quick in a day at most. Well it took a week.which apparently can happen altho we weren’t told that at the time. During that time we doubted whether we had done the right thing. I even spoke to the doctor again and he said this was the pathway they recommended, and could be reversed if they felt he was improving. I said ok. I then spoke to a priest on here, he helped my feel like we had done what we could in a difficult situation in terms of bioethics. Then a week or two ago I started getting this feeling ‘ I helped kill my dad, I was the only catholic in the family and I should have made them keep on with the tube, etc etc. Keep him alive as long as possible. I spoke face to face with a priest, explained it all, asked if I had sinned. He said well no doubt lack of nutrition contributed to his death but you, halo, took the advice you were given at the time and he would not have got better etc and you did not directly kill Dad. I said did I sin and he said oh no , but you aren’t going to believe me are you ? He prayed with me, and I went to confession a few days later anyway close to advent. I was ok for a bit and now I’m back to square one with this guilty thoughts. What more should I do. Thank you so much and sorry for the long post. I hope you’ve had a blessed and Holy day with your loved ones (dad would never have got better even if we kept using the feeding tube and was close to the end of the six months time line they thought he may have )
 
Last edited:
Halogirl, I am so sorry you are feeling this way.i think that deep down you know you made the right decision for your dad, but maybe your doubt comes from missing him, especially now at Christmas.

When my mom died, my husband and I both felt the same way. “Did we do enough? Was there something that we missed and if we had noticed would have saved her?” And the answer is no, but in your grief, it is easy to blame yourself.

Give your grief, and your guilt and your feelings that you are to blame over to God. He will carry them away for you and throw them into the wind to be scattered.

Let go of your guilt.

It gets better with the passage of time.
Hugs to you and Merry Christmas.
 
This article may help you see that you made the right decision. He was terminally ill and the feeding tube would have been considered something that was more a burden to him than a help.

" In the medical profession, it is clear that a moment can be identified when the obstinate pursuit of prolonging life is not a moral obligation. The moment that there is an underlying pathology–a disease which is claiming a patient’s life–the ethical obligation to provide extraordinary or disproportionate treatment that would be more burdensome than beneficial to the patient ceases. It is important to point out that in end-of-life cases, “ordinary and extraordinary” and “proportionate or disproportionate” are moral components and not necessarily medical categories. A treatment such as medically provided nutrition and hydration, for example, can therefore be medically ordinary yet morally extraordinary.1

What constitutes a morally extraordinary treatment? Simply put, it refers to a treatment where the human burden of the treatment outweighs its human benefit for the patient. Such an ethical determination can only be made on a case-by-case basis, by taking into consideration a variety of factors, including the overall condition of the patient, the pathology involved, the imminence of death, the pain involved in the treatment, its side effects, as well as its potential contribution to a patient’s recovery. These factors must be analyzed by competent medical personnel, the patient and the patient’s family, leading to a conclusion of whether a medical procedure is worthwhile for the patient. When the determination is made that the burdens of a particular procedure outweigh its benefits for the patient, the procedure is morally extraordinary and therefore optional."

Library : Nutrition and Hydration at the End of Life | Catholic Culture
 
If you already confessed it then I would say just trust in God’s mercy and realize that you’re forgiven. Sometimes I place higher standards on myself than God requires…it’s hard to forgive yourself sometimes but if the judge has forgiven you, who are you going to be condemned by?

I know this is a hard situation for you. I had a similar situation, but I actually did do something horrible. My dad committed suicide and while I thought it was going to happen, I didn’t do anything to stop it. I didn’t even try and dissuade him. I was forgiven for this and I can attest that God’s mercy is stronger than all of our guilt.

I will keep you in my prayers.
 
Yes I had a long chat with a priest, then he said I had not sinned but I confessed formally a couple of days later about other stuff. At first he said ‘ why are you here, we had a chat the other day’ but he still heard my confession. I did not deliberately with hold my feelings about my dad during confession, as father had talked with me, And said I hadn’t sinned, so even if it was a sin, I guess it’s absolved. Do you see how my mind is working. Thank you for all your responses everyone. I do think it’s to do with guilt (still only in June ) and pregnancy hormones and Christmas
 
Firstly, my prayers that God helps you release the guilt you feel. The world and our lives are filled with would of / should of / could ofs. The goal of life is not to live the longest possible, but to live it well and do good in whatever way we can. There is nothing ‘wrong’ wi5 your feelings; they will come out no matter what. With the help of others and God face them, knowing you did the right things for your dad.
 
Don’t forget that you consulted a trained Bioethicist too 😉

You’re right that it’s a combination of factors eating at you. That’s going to happen, given difficult circumstances, the time of year, and all the other variables you mentioned. Be at peace, have some mercy on yourself.

Know of my prayers.

-Fr ACEGC
 
Speak to your priest. What happened is in the past, we are not required to use extraordinary measures to extend life. Talk to your pastor about the feeding tube, if it was considered extraordinary measures because sometimes it is, sometimes it is not.

Know that God loves you.

Edit to add, I see you have already talked to your priest.

First Christmas without a loved one is HARD.
 
Last edited:
halogirl said:
I’m so sorry to do this on Christmas but I’ve just got into a loop here. What do you do, other than pray, when you keep feeling guilt over a situation?
Click to expand...
Halo, you need grief counseling. Please talk to your priest about any grief ministries in your area or seek a referral to a grief counselor.
 
My husband said that too. I don’t know if there is a catholic one though
 
If I was in your dad’s shoes I would ask that family not prolong the worst part of my life. Let me go and don’t make me stay here longer. Heaven is my home.

My heart goes out to you as you struggle with this. May God give you peace in the days ahead.
 
Yes. Thank you. Part of the decision was that he chose the same sort of thing for my mother when she was in her last moments xx
 
There are many Catholics that are therapists, while not necessarily listing themselves as such. Perhaps you could start by asking your priest or a trusted member of the Parish.
 
Last edited:
Hi Halo. I’ve been in a similar situation. In our situation we tried to do everything possible to keep my loved one alive. I had a meeting with a “team” of Catholic bioethicists. It was just me in the room too. Wow that was hard! They thought we should have let go earlier. I sometimes feel guilty that we held on too long. It is hard to come out of these situations not feeling guilty about something.

It sounds like you did your best with the medical information you had and the understanding of your father wishes that you had. That is really all that can be expected.
 
Without going into details, I was in a similar end-of-life situation with my mom and even though mom and I had agreed about what needed to be done, it was pretty awful and I felt bad about it for a long time. I find it interesting that I felt guilty about possibly not trying to keep her alive longer, and there are other people posting here saying they felt guilty for holding on so long. I agree that guilt is likely going to happen with these situations regardless of what you end up doing. I also think maybe we were better off before there were so many complex means of keeping people alive (but often with a very low quality of life) and nature was more likely to just take its course.

It took about a year for me to get past all my feelings about this. At some point you have to just say you did the best you could with the bad situation you were given and let it go. If you continue to have trouble with this and/or it doesn’t pass naturally after about a year, then consider getting counseling.
 
Last edited:
Dr Chervin is a well-respected Catholic author, she has appeared on EWTN. She has written books on grief:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07WDRCQXN/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
halogirl said:
My husband said that too. I don’t know if there is a catholic one though
Click to expand...
Check your Diocese for grief groups. I’ve yet to find a Diocese that does not have some. Have you talked to your pastor?

The funeral director who worked with your family is a professional, call them about grief groups (one does not have to be Catholic to understand grief). My FD and my pastor have been my best grief counselors.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top