Keep me in your prayers please

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Bataar

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Those of you who have read my posts know a little about me. Basically, I’m miserable. I hate my life. I have no dreams, ambitions, aspirations or passions. I don’t really have any friends, so I’m pretty much lonely all the time as well. I seem to go from boring/pointless/meaningless day to boring/pointless/meaningless day. I have Asperger’s syndrome and don’t really see a way to change anything. I’ve prayed about it, not for a cure or anything like that, but just to find God’s plan or some kind of purpose to no avail. The only person in my life I have a close relationship with is my mom. The thought of suicide as been getting more and more appealing. It’s not something I would do until my mom dies as it would devastate her and she’s the co-signer for my student loans and I know she couldn’t handle having to pay for them. She’s in good health now and could leave another 20 years or so and this may be a non issue at that point.

Any way, I feel that at best, God completely ignores/doesn’t care about me and at worst is actively trying to make me miserable. No matter how much I’ve prayed, nothing seemed to improve or make me feel any better or closer to God. Praying now reminds of me calling a (former) friend and leaving them voicemails and never getting a response. Eventually, you take the hint and just quit calling. I know other people, mainly my mom are praying for me. Basically, I’m at my wits end. I’m not in any immediate danger of suicide, like I said, if I were to ever go through with it wouldn’t be while my mom’s alive, but I just thought I’d ask for some extra prayers as God seems to be completely ignoring mine and my family’s.
 
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

†

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

†
 
Lord, please mercifully grant a foretaste of the heavenly joy to Bataar as this soul strives to bear the weight of incessant crosses across this fallen pilgrimage, this world in which sin has distorted the communion of joy between man and God, a communion which was damaged. Send merciful angels to help this soul with this cause. Send many graces to Bataar to be cultivated into hope, joy, fortitude, magnanimity, humility, and courage. Our Lady, pray with us. Amen.
 
Brother Bataar, I prayed for you today before the Blessed Sacrament during our Divine Mercy Chaplet.

May God bless you today and always.
 
Aside from praying, try to do physical activities like jogging with your mom in the morning or in the afternoon.

Another thing you can do is to volunteer in a Soup kitchen. Try to look for a place where you can give service. It can be a job or volunteering just as long as it is SERVICE ORIENTED. This will force you to forget about yourself and focus on helping other people. The best way to get out of depression is to serve other people and forget about yourself.
 
Bataar said:
Those of you who have read my posts know a little about me. Basically, I’m miserable. I hate my life. I have no dreams, ambitions, aspirations or passions. I don’t really have any friends, so I’m pretty much lonely all the time as well. I seem to go from boring/pointless/meaningless day to boring/pointless/meaningless day. I have Asperger’s syndrome and don’t really see a way to change anything. I’ve prayed about it, not for a cure or anything like that, but just to find God’s plan or some kind of purpose to no avail. The only person in my life I have a close relationship with is my mom. The thought of suicide as been getting more and more appealing. It’s not something I would do until my mom dies as it would devastate her and she’s the co-signer for my student loans and I know she couldn’t handle having to pay for them. She’s in good health now and could leave another 20 years or so and this may be a non issue at that point.

Any way, I feel that at best, God completely ignores/doesn’t care about me and at worst is actively trying to make me miserable. No matter how much I’ve prayed, nothing seemed to improve or make me feel any better or closer to God. Praying now reminds of me calling a (former) friend and leaving them voicemails and never getting a response. Eventually, you take the hint and just quit calling. I know other people, mainly my mom are praying for me. Basically, I’m at my wits end. I’m not in any immediate danger of suicide, like I said, if I were to ever go through with it wouldn’t be while my mom’s alive, but I just thought I’d ask for some extra prayers as God seems to be completely ignoring mine and my family’s.
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You sound as if you are depressed. I think you should go and have a physical, and share with your doctor that you feel that life is meaningless. Even people with Asperger’s do not deserve to just exist and be miserable. I see you have student loans so you must be in college. That can be tough. Are you a freshman?

Please believe that God is NOT ignoring your prayers! But He is also not a vending machine, He does not dispense things we want like snack food. Some wise person said that God has 3 answers to prayer, 1) Yes, 2) No, and 3) I’ve got something better in mind, so wait for it. Sometimes we are just in the hallway between doors that will open.

Please also do not ever consider taking your own life. There is always help available, people to talk to, people to vent to. There are friends for EVERYONE, trust me. Everyone can have friends, it just takes time sometimes. Please go see your doctor about trying medication. If you are chemically unbalanced life can seem really awful but there is help.

Lord, please help this young person to feel Your presence tonight!
 
Bataar said:
Those of you who have read my posts know a little about me. Basically, I’m miserable. I hate my life. I have no dreams, ambitions, aspirations or passions. I don’t really have any friends, so I’m pretty much lonely all the time as well. I seem to go from boring/pointless/meaningless day to boring/pointless/meaningless day. I have Asperger’s syndrome and don’t really see a way to change anything. I’ve prayed about it, not for a cure or anything like that, but just to find God’s plan or some kind of purpose to no avail. The only person in my life I have a close relationship with is my mom. The thought of suicide as been getting more and more appealing. It’s not something I would do until my mom dies as it would devastate her and she’s the co-signer for my student loans and I know she couldn’t handle having to pay for them. She’s in good health now and could leave another 20 years or so and this may be a non issue at that point.

Any way, I feel that at best, God completely ignores/doesn’t care about me and at worst is actively trying to make me miserable. No matter how much I’ve prayed, nothing seemed to improve or make me feel any better or closer to God. Praying now reminds of me calling a (former) friend and leaving them voicemails and never getting a response. Eventually, you take the hint and just quit calling. I know other people, mainly my mom are praying for me. Basically, I’m at my wits end. I’m not in any immediate danger of suicide, like I said, if I were to ever go through with it wouldn’t be while my mom’s alive, but I just thought I’d ask for some extra prayers as God seems to be completely ignoring mine and my family’s.
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God isn’t ignoring your prayers. He might be saying “no” (depending on what you are asking) or maybe He is just saying “wait” but he isn’t ignoring you. Just because you don’t immediately get an answer or you don’t get the answer you want doesn’t mean that God doesn’t hear or that He ignores you or that He doesn’t answer. He is’t making you miserable. He allows you to suffer only so that a greater good will come from it. He LOVES you. Think of what He did for you. He died for you. And not a quick death. A torturously slow death. He took our sins upon Himself, so that we could get to heaven.
Keek praying, even if it feels like you aren’t being heard. Especially then. I suggest that you get the book “Prove it! Prayer” by Amy Welborn. Amazon and Barnes and Noble should both have it. Maybe your library has it too.
Don’t commit suicide. That is very wrong, and it won’t bring you peace. It could send you to hell. I know what it feels like to want to do it. I felt like that myself. In fact I felt like that just last night.
You asked God to show you your purpose. Your purpose is to serve and glorify Him. Your life should be about serving Him and loving, trusting, obeying, and loving Him, no matter the cost. No matter the pain you may be going through. He never said it would easy. But it is worth it. If you want to be happy, then make your life about God. Forget about yourself. (not literally, I just mean that you should focus outward not inward; on God and on others, more than on you) Put God first, others second, yourself last. And Pray to Mary, your Mother. She will help you. All you have to do is ask.

I will pray for you.
 
I will pray, too. Hang in there. High school and college are rough on young people.

Do you have any activities you enjoy?
 
TheRealJuliane said:
You sound as if you are depressed. I think you should go and have a physical, and share with your doctor that you feel that life is meaningless. Even people with Asperger’s do not deserve to just exist and be miserable. I see you have student loans so you must be in college. That can be tough. Are you a freshman?

Please believe that God is NOT ignoring your prayers! But He is also not a vending machine, He does not dispense things we want like snack food. Some wise person said that God has 3 answers to prayer, 1) Yes, 2) No, and 3) I’ve got something better in mind, so wait for it. Sometimes we are just in the hallway between doors that will open.

Please also do not ever consider taking your own life. There is always help available, people to talk to, people to vent to. There are friends for EVERYONE, trust me. Everyone can have friends, it just takes time sometimes. Please go see your doctor about trying medication. If you are chemically unbalanced life can seem really awful but there is help.

Lord, please help this young person to feel Your presence tonight!
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I’m not a freshman, I’m 34 and went to school late. I still have $80,000+ in student loans.
 
HouseArrest said:
I will pray, too. Hang in there. High school and college are rough on young people.

Do you have any activities you enjoy?
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Like I said, earlier, I’m well out of school thankfully. As to hobbies, I have a couple. Playing strategy board games / Magic the Gathering and watching TV / movies. Used to like to go fishing, but just don’t have much opportunity for that anymore.
 
Bataar said:
I’m not a freshman, I’m 34 and went to school late. I still have $80,000+ in student loans.
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😊

Sorry to assume. Are you working in your chosen field? Have you been evaluated for depression by a doctor?
 
Asperger’s sucks because it’s a really nasty cycle. You want to reach out to other people but you’re terrified because you don’t know how to do it, you don’t know how to relate to people and you’re worried about their judgment and all of that.

I don’t have any solutions for that, but I would encourage you to a) follow other posters’ advice and see if you have depression too b) get active physically as endorphins can work wonders and c) see if there’s a group in your community for adults on the autism spectrum.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
😊

Sorry to assume. Are you working in your chosen field? Have you been evaluated for depression by a doctor?
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No problem with the assumption. Part of my problem is that I don’t have a chosen field. When I was in high school, I wanted to be a video game designer so after high school, I took some programming classes and decided that wasn’t for me (I actually hated it). I’ve never found anything that I’ve wanted to do after that.

I’m on anti depressants, but I don’t think my depression is from any kind of chemical imbalance, but is entirely circumstantial. I mean who wouldn’t be depressed if they had no friends, no passions, nothing to look forward to, etc?
 
Bataar said:
…I don’t think my depression is from any kind of chemical imbalance, but is entirely circumstantial. I mean who wouldn’t be depressed if they had no friends, no passions, nothing to look forward to, etc?
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Negative cycle. You have to break that.
 
Bataar said:
No problem with the assumption. Part of my problem is that I don’t have a chosen field. When I was in high school, I wanted to be a video game designer so after high school, I took some programming classes and decided that wasn’t for me (I actually hated it). I’ve never found anything that I’ve wanted to do after that.

I’m on anti depressants, but I don’t think my depression is from any kind of chemical imbalance, but is entirely circumstantial. I mean who wouldn’t be depressed if they had no friends, no passions, nothing to look forward to, etc?
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It’s kind of chicken-and-egg, IME. If you are under-medicated, life can seem too difficult, leading to isolation, leading to more depression because of isolation, and around and around. I’m not saying that changing meds or increasing your dose would be a magic solution; I’m saying it’s worth considering. Have you told your doctor or psychiatrist that you feel empty, passionless, that nothing is worthwhile?

Did you finish your degree? I hope you did, for $80,000 in student loans is a considerable amount of debt. It’s actually a blessing that you found out you didn’t like programming - at least you didn’t spend half your life training for a career you can’t stand! 🙂

Is there anything you are skilled at, that you might turn into your own business? (That’s if you don’t already have a job, you haven’t mentioned one).
 
TheRealJuliane said:
It’s kind of chicken-and-egg, IME. If you are under-medicated, life can seem too difficult, leading to isolation, leading to more depression because of isolation, and around and around. I’m not saying that changing meds or increasing your dose would be a magic solution; I’m saying it’s worth considering. Have you told your doctor or psychiatrist that you feel empty, passionless, that nothing is worthwhile?

Did you finish your degree? I hope you did, for $80,000 in student loans is a considerable amount of debt. It’s actually a blessing that you found out you didn’t like programming - at least you didn’t spend half your life training for a career you can’t stand! 🙂

Is there anything you are skilled at, that you might turn into your own business? (That’s if you don’t already have a job, you haven’t mentioned one).
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I did finish my degree so I at least have that. However, the field is not one I enjoy and due to my Aspergers, makes it very hard, if not impossible to advance in. I currently work in IT, not as a programmer, but as more of a system administrator. It nearly bores me to tears. I’m thankful I have the job, but it’s also depressing to know I spent so much time and money for a career I ultimately do not like.

As to other skills, I don’t have any that I’m aware of. Again, starting around high school, my singular interest was computers. I didn’t focus on anything else because it just seemed a given that’s what I’d end up doing. Somewhere along the lines, I changed and do not find it interesting at all anymore. I’ve basically had an “entry” level position for 3 years now with no real hope of advancement.
 
Bataar said:
I did finish my degree so I at least have that. However, the field is not one I enjoy and due to my Aspergers, makes it very hard, if not impossible to advance in. I currently work in IT, not as a programmer, but as more of a system administrator. It nearly bores me to tears. I’m thankful I have the job, but it’s also depressing to know I spent so much time and money for a career I ultimately do not like.

As to other skills, I don’t have any that I’m aware of. Again, starting around high school, my singular interest was computers. I didn’t focus on anything else because it just seemed a given that’s what I’d end up doing. Somewhere along the lines, I changed and do not find it interesting at all anymore. I’ve basically had an “entry” level position for 3 years now with no real hope of advancement.
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I find your disclosures rather exciting! So, you have a job you’re not interested in, in a field you used to find interesting but now do not…You do have a degree - in systems engineering perhaps?

The reason I find it exciting is that you now have the POTENTIAL to find something that you can really love. Don’t you find that the least bit intriguing? God may be giving you the nudge to really find an area where He can use you in a different way! 🙂

I wonder if you’ve ever thought of doing any missionary work? Your skills might be needed in other parts of the world. Helping others to get technologically up to speed might use your skill-set AND give you another field to explore, and if you are interested in travel, that could happen too. Of course it doesn’t pay very well, so you’d have to make sure your student loans would at least be covered. Some mission work does involve a small stipend, though.

Or there are so many things you could do… I think it’s a blessing that you understand and recognize that the field you assumed you would go into, no longer interests you. Sometimes people work their entire lives and only realize how bored they are when they’ve invested most of their lives and never been happy.

I think you need to TRY some other things. What electives did you take in college? Any of them get you excited, so you looked forward to the class?
 
TheRealJuliane said:
I find your disclosures rather exciting! So, you have a job you’re not interested in, in a field you used to find interesting but now do not…You do have a degree - in systems engineering perhaps?

The reason I find it exciting is that you now have the POTENTIAL to find something that you can really love. Don’t you find that the least bit intriguing? God may be giving you the nudge to really find an area where He can use you in a different way! 🙂

I wonder if you’ve ever thought of doing any missionary work? Your skills might be needed in other parts of the world. Helping others to get technologically up to speed might use your skill-set AND give you another field to explore, and if you are interested in travel, that could happen too. Of course it doesn’t pay very well, so you’d have to make sure your student loans would at least be covered. Some mission work does involve a small stipend, though.

Or there are so many things you could do… I think it’s a blessing that you understand and recognize that the field you assumed you would go into, no longer interests you. Sometimes people work their entire lives and only realize how bored they are when they’ve invested most of their lives and never been happy.

I think you need to TRY some other things. What electives did you take in college? Any of them get you excited, so you looked forward to the class?
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I used to find it intriguing, As time goes by and nothing changes on my end, it just seems less likely for any positive change. Part of it is because I’m a completely, “in the box” thinker. I’ve tried to come up with something else but just have never been able to think of anything I’ve wanted to do. Honestly, nothing sounds appealing. I’ve prayed and prayed to find and/or understand God’s purpose/will for me. I very much doubt my current situation is what God wants for me as it’s leading me to hopelessness, but he clearly doesn’t want me to know anything else.

As to traveling or something like, I just couldn’t afford it right now. I need to be able to pay my debts. Like most things, traveling has never been something I’ve been interested in very much. I know I need to try other things, but like I said, I’m a complete in the box thinker and haven’t been able to think of something new to try (at least something that sounds somewhat appealing) that’s cheap/free and I can do by myself. I wasn’t kidding when I said I didn’t have any friends. I just went to a technical college (got a true bachelor’s degree) but didn’t really take any electives.
 
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