Keeping a marriage together when your child has Autism and your husband is ill

[jazzy0710]

I don’t know where to begin with this.

I guess i’m hoping to hear from anyone who has experienced the same thing or something similar.

My husband and I have been married for 6 years but have actually been together for 13 years.

We have one son who is 2 years old. We just found out last month that he has Autism. Although we knew it was a possibility we( me especially) were finding ourselves going through a very wide range of emotions. We’re still in the process of getting all of the interventions in place for him but respite care is something we’ve had difficulty in figuring it out.

My husband is in the Navy and recently did a deployment from jan-jul of this year. Before he left he had been trying to get himself some medical help for quite a while everytime he would inquire about it and get workshops set up his po’s would tell him no it can’t happen right now you’re going to have to suck it up and deal with it because we have sailing to do. He has been struggling greatly with stress management and anxiety and it has only gotten worse over time.

His shifts that he works vary from day to day but usually require him to be there anytime between 530 and 630 am.

He was supposed to actually go sailing again in September but he ended up being landed so that he could complete a Psychological evaluation at the base hospital. However, days before that he got really sick. We both were concerned because it was the second time in a year that he got like that. The first time it happened he had been sailing and then when it happened last month he was home and it was so much worse. Anyhow he got checked out and learned that he had Prostatitis and that he needed medication. He took the medication until it was gone and it didn’t clear up. He also missed his Psych evaluation because of the illness.

Sex is really tricky. It is either ok or it brings on the symptoms. He’s up repeatedly thru the night not getting much sleep and if he does sleep for a period of a few hours i’m usually awake because he makes this awful noise in his sleep as he usually does when he’s stressed and it’s loud and keeps me awake.

I find it very difficult a lot of the time to be affectionate with him and it makes me feel like such a bad person but i’m here at home all day stressed to the max dealing with our son by myself. He reluctantly takes the car and has offered to walk to work but I don’t feel comfortable with him walking all that way at 4 in the morning but I feel miserable being stuck here on this military base with absolutely no where to go and nothing to do.

We has been posted off the ship he was on and posted to land for at least 6 months as they feel he is not mentally stable enough to sail. Unfortunately because of this he has lost his extra 250.00 a month in sea pay and i’m a stay at home mom because child care here is ridiculously expensive however this is really beginning to take its toll. He is continuously checking our bank account online. I have sacrficed many many things so he doesn’t have to worry. I have hair that could use a cut and eyebrows that need to be waxed but I do without. I am in dire need of pants but I go without. I only even have 1 bra that isn’t falling apart and need more but I go without these things so he doesn’t have to stress about costs.

It’s been really hard to talk to him lately because he won’t always open up and when he does he seems to realize that there are issues that need to be figured out but he doesn’t do anything. He is always tired all of the time and has actually fallen asleep while i’m talking to him and if he isn’t doing that then he’s playing on his phone on the computer or he’s watching tv.

I’m also finding that he is short tempered with our son. He has never hit him but often yells at him and is very quick to stomp around and punch walls and slam doors when he gets fusturated with him.

I so badly want to just get out, just the two of us but given our financial situation and how hard it is to find a sitter it’s just not possible. I have got my parents in the past but they’re in a much worse financial siuation then we are and although they are of retirement age they both still work full time and on weekends.

We have sought out marriage counselling and begin later this month but I fear that if he doesn’t put as much into it as I do things that things will never change and get even worse.

Up to this point I have done everything that I can do and don’t know what else to do. I am physically and mentally exhausted

 

[Xantippe]

I don’t know where to begin with this.

I guess i’m hoping to hear from anyone who has experienced the same thing or something similar.

My husband and I have been married for 6 years but have actually been together for 13 years.

We have one son who is 2 years old. We just found out last month that he has Autism. Although we knew it was a possibility we( me especially) were finding ourselves going through a very wide range of emotions. We’re still in the process of getting all of the interventions in place for him but respite care is something we’ve had difficulty in figuring it out.

My husband is in the Navy and recently did a deployment from jan-jul of this year. Before he left he had been trying to get himself some medical help for quite a while everytime he would inquire about it and get workshops set up his po’s would tell him no it can’t happen right now you’re going to have to suck it up and deal with it because we have sailing to do. He has been struggling greatly with stress management and anxiety and it has only gotten worse over time.

His shifts that he works vary from day to day but usually require him to be there anytime between 530 and 630 am.

He was supposed to actually go sailing again in September but he ended up being landed so that he could complete a Psychological evaluation at the base hospital. However, days before that he got really sick. We both were concerned because it was the second time in a year that he got like that. The first time it happened he had been sailing and then when it happened last month he was home and it was so much worse. Anyhow he got checked out and learned that he had Prostatitis and that he needed medication. He took the medication until it was gone and it didn’t clear up. He also missed his Psych evaluation because of the illness.

Sex is really tricky. It is either ok or it brings on the symptoms. He’s up repeatedly thru the night not getting much sleep and if he does sleep for a period of a few hours i’m usually awake because he makes this awful noise in his sleep as he usually does when he’s stressed and it’s loud and keeps me awake.

I find it very difficult a lot of the time to be affectionate with him and it makes me feel like such a bad person but i’m here at home all day stressed to the max dealing with our son by myself. He reluctantly takes the car and has offered to walk to work but I don’t feel comfortable with him walking all that way at 4 in the morning but I feel miserable being stuck here on this military base with absolutely no where to go and nothing to do.

We has been posted off the ship he was on and posted to land for at least 6 months as they feel he is not mentally stable enough to sail. Unfortunately because of this he has lost his extra 250.00 a month in sea pay and i’m a stay at home mom because child care here is ridiculously expensive however this is really beginning to take its toll. He is continuously checking our bank account online. I have sacrficed many many things so he doesn’t have to worry. I have hair that could use a cut and eyebrows that need to be waxed but I do without. I am in dire need of pants but I go without. I only even have 1 bra that isn’t falling apart and need more but I go without these things so he doesn’t have to stress about costs.

It’s been really hard to talk to him lately because he won’t always open up and when he does he seems to realize that there are issues that need to be figured out but he doesn’t do anything. He is always tired all of the time and has actually fallen asleep while i’m talking to him and if he isn’t doing that then he’s playing on his phone on the computer or he’s watching tv.

I’m also finding that he is short tempered with our son. He has never hit him but often yells at him and is very quick to stomp around and punch walls and slam doors when he gets fusturated with him.

I so badly want to just get out, just the two of us but given our financial situation and how hard it is to find a sitter it’s just not possible. I have got my parents in the past but they’re in a much worse financial siuation then we are and although they are of retirement age they both still work full time and on weekends.

We have sought out marriage counselling and begin later this month but I fear that if he doesn’t put as much into it as I do things that things will never change and get even worse.

Up to this point I have done everything that I can do and don’t know what else to do. I am physically and mentally exhausted

I’d try to backburner some of these issues until you officially start your marriage counseling–just survive until then. When you start seeing your counselor, I would definitely bring up the money stuff within the first few meetings, as that’s one of your major stress issues, along with the car.

Also, your husband’s angry behavior is setting a very poor example for your child. He needs to model the kind of behavior you want to see from your son. Ask him to think of some alternate things to do when he’s mad–like go out and walk around the block until he feels like he can deal with your son again.

One thing that comes to mind is that a lot of times, a child’s ASD diagnosis points to the fact that a parent is also spectrummy. That could definitely be a factor in your husband’s issues. So when you’re doing your autism reading, think about which aspects also sound like your husband. (If your child is very autistic, consider picking up a book like Tony Attwood’s Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome, which deals with high-functioning autism.)

Obviously, your husband could have some completely different psychological issues, but if you have an autistic child, it would not surprise me at all if your husband has some ASD issues, so that’s where I would start looking.

Make sure and take at least a short walk every day, weather permitting.

Best wishes!

 

[Xantippe]

If your husband gets home at night at a reasonable time and if it works with your son’s bedtime, plan to take a little drive with your son after dinner or do some grocery shopping by yourself after your son goes to bed.

Whatever works–just make sure you leave the house a couple times a day.

 

[katy]

There’s usually a noncommissioned officer, First Sergeant in the Air Force, to help with situations like this. Could they help you find decent day care for your son so you could get out for even a part time job? There should also be a group around you somewhere focused on autism. It matters a lot where your son is on the spectrum. Do check that out in regard to your husband as well. That could be at least part of his difficulties.

 

[PaulfromIowa]

You should be talking to a professional counselor about these family issues. Your husband has serious medical issues that he should be seeking the best medical for. I will pray for all three of you.

 

[jazzy0710]

One thing that comes to mind is that a lot of times, a child’s ASD diagnosis points to the fact that a parent is also spectrummy. That could definitely be a factor in your husband’s issues. So when you’re doing your autism reading, think about which aspects also sound like your husband. (If your child is very autistic, consider picking up a book like Tony Attwood’s Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome, which deals with high-functioning autism.)

Obviously, your husband could have some completely different psychological issues, but if you have an autistic child, it would not surprise me at all if your husband has some ASD issues, so that’s where I would start looking.

Best wishes!

Thank you for your feedback.

When we had our son assessed I had to fill out a form about all of our family history.

The psychologist told us that in the last several years she was noticing a link between Autism and Schizophernia.

We have a big family history of Schizophernia. My Mom’s late sister had it and my husband’s Mother actually has it.

 

[jazzy0710]

If your husband gets home at night at a reasonable time and if it works with your son’s bedtime, plan to take a little drive with your son after dinner or do some grocery shopping by yourself after your son goes to bed.

Whatever works–just make sure you leave the house a couple times a day.

Thank you

 

[jazzy0710]

There’s usually a noncommissioned officer, First Sergeant in the Air Force, to help with situations like this. Could they help you find decent day care for your son so you could get out for even a part time job? There should also be a group around you somewhere focused on autism. It matters a lot where your son is on the spectrum. Do check that out in regard to your husband as well. That could be at least part of his difficulties.

My husband is seeing a therapist on his own at the Hospital on the military base. There is a local Autism group here and I have connected with them about respite but I have to wait to see if we get approved for the military funding to help with the respite.

It’s unclear as to where our son is on the spectrum because he’s still so young. The Psychologist told us it’ll be a little easier to p(name removed by moderator)oint once he starts school; but from her assessment it was very clear to her that he shows classic Autistic symptoms.

 

[jazzy0710]

You should be talking to a professional counselor about these family issues. Your husband has serious medical issues that he should be seeking the best medical for. I will pray for all three of you.

Thank you <3

 

[Regina7]

Are there any other moms on base that you could connect with? Maybe just to have coffee and let the kids play? Or maybe you can watch each other’s kids once a week so the other can get out for a few hours?

 

[jazzy0710]

Are there any other moms on base that you could connect with? Maybe just to have coffee and let the kids play? Or maybe you can watch each other’s kids once a week so the other can get out for a few hours?

There is only one here that I know of but she’s very much to herself.

There are however some other military moms who don’t live on base with children on the spectrum. One of them I already connected with as she runs a support group in our town here. My husband I are going to her support group this month actually

 

[Xantippe]

There is only one here that I know of but she’s very much to herself.

There are however some other military moms who don’t live on base with children on the spectrum. One of them I already connected with as she runs a support group in our town here. My husband I are going to her support group this month actually

Very good!

 

[egretps]

Prayers for you Jazzy, your husband and your boy.

Keep connecting with those people who understand in the Autism community. And love your husband, even when it’s hard. Offer the ‘hard’ times up for the salvation of others. And ask St. Rita for encouragement. I’m not saying your marriage is bad, but all marriages can have difficulties we wish didn’t. Life has

St. Rita had plenty.

catholiccompany.com/getfed/st-rita-of-cascia-patron-saint-of-the-impossible/

 

[jazzy0710]

Prayers for you Jazzy, your husband and your boy.

Keep connecting with those people who understand in the Autism community. And love your husband, even when it’s hard. Offer the ‘hard’ times up for the salvation of others. And ask St. Rita for encouragement. I’m not saying your marriage is bad, but all marriages can have difficulties we wish didn’t. Life has

St. Rita had plenty.

catholiccompany.com/getfed/st-rita-of-cascia-patron-saint-of-the-impossible/

Thank you. Will do <3 I actually have a small statue of her on my dresser!

 

[1990Domer]

Can I ask what sort of professional diagnosed your son? The reason I ask is because my son was diagnosed young–and accurately–by a fairly well-regarded developmental pediatrician. However, other parents of children on the spectrum did not get accurate diagnosis early on. So, it may not be time to panic. A second opinion of a developmental medical condition is, I feel, really important because there are no hard and fast tests for autism.

Your husband may still be grieving over the diagnosis. It certainly was difficult for me to hear…but less for my DH because we now suspect he would have gotten an Asperger diagnosis when he was young.

My best advice…pray and offer your frustrations up to God. Ask Mary for spiritual guidance. Both will guide you. Try to pray together with your husband. And congrats on finding a support group. I wish I had that. But I rejoice to hear that others do.

You have gotten some great advice already. Please know you are in my prayers!

 

[jazzy0710]

Can I ask what sort of professional diagnosed your son? The reason I ask is because my son was diagnosed young–and accurately–by a fairly well-regarded developmental pediatrician. However, other parents of children on the spectrum did not get accurate diagnosis early on. So, it may not be time to panic. A second opinion of a developmental medical condition is, I feel, really important because there are no hard and fast tests for autism.

Your husband may still be grieving over the diagnosis. It certainly was difficult for me to hear…but less for my DH because we now suspect he would have gotten an Asperger diagnosis when he was young.

My best advice…pray and offer your frustrations up to God. Ask Mary for spiritual guidance. Both will guide you. Try to pray together with your husband. And congrats on finding a support group. I wish I had that. But I rejoice to hear that others do.

You have gotten some great advice already. Please know you are in my prayers!

Thank you

Our son was diagnosed by a highly regarded Child Psychologist. Our local children’s Hospital has a team here that does asessments but their current waitlist is 1.5-2 yrs. We weren’t going to go the private route but when my parents offered to pay the $1850.00 for it we went for it.