Keeping children away from non religious cousins

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roseinthewinter

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Okay…so my baby is only 3 months old so I wont need to worry about this yet…but I think I need to keep it in mind

My baby has a cousin who is two weeks younger…both are boys. His cousin is my husband’s brother’s son. They are “catholic” in name only and have very little religious inclinations…they basically have their kids say a bed time prayer and thats it. They allow their 3 year old to watch very violent movies and play with toys that I will not allow my son to play with when he is older.

So…the two babies are close in age and everyone in my husband’s family keeps saying how they are going to be such great friends…problem is…I don’t want them to be. I do not want my son to go over there alone when he is older because the parent’s swear ( not around me but when I am not there) and there children ( all under 3) already have picked up on some words. They always have the TV on and they watch some pretty bad movies because they think the kids are paying attention. I know that I don’t want my kids playing with certain violent oriented toys and such and call me picky or over protective but its my right and how I believe God wants me to be.

Long story short…we are supposed to be close with my husbands brother and his family and before the baby there was no problem…but already they are talking about how good friends our sons are going to be because they are so very close in age and how they are going to play certain things and do certain things together. I realize that I cannot totally keep them apart…but I know I won’t allow my kids over there without our supervision. In the end I know it will one day be a major issue and I dread it! My husband understands how I feel and I am not sure how he is going to deal with it when the times come. I don’t like pretending now that things are going to be so great when they are older when I know the limits we set are going to make my brother in law mad. He thinks we are Catholic fanatics and its hard to bring up anything in the realm of faith and morals…

I also worry about my kids being with the rest of his family on holidays. The kids in the family generally go off and play but I have seen and heard things going on at holidays I do not want my kids involved in. I mean my husbands family is loving and caring and you want to be able to get close to them…but they also go in a back room on holidays and smoke pot…again long story…

How do you deal with this sort of thing? I guess I know there is just no way out of it…its the price you pay for your faith…
 
WHat does your husband think about your feelings?

You and he will probably need to communicate about this well and often.

He will need to be the one to speak to his brother about why you choose not to do certain things with them, or don’t want them watching your child.

Pray they change their ways before the kids get much older?
 
Well…my husband struggles with this I think. He know and understands how I feel and he agrees but I think he also struggles because he wants his children to be able to be friends with his brother’s children. He is close to his brother but when it comes to faith they have a very hard time talking…not because of my husband, but because it always ends up with his brother getting angry and then my husband getting angry. It becomes heated and my husband finds it hard not to feed into it so we tend to avoid the topics. His brother says we think we are better then them because of our faith.

So with that said…when he tells his brother how we feel…I know its going to turn into " you think your kids are to good for mine…" argument. The bad thing is his brother goes on an on already about the future of our kids and I feel like if we just sit there and smile it will make it worse later…but at the same time our baby is to young for it to matter yet…sigh. I guess we just need to pray!

Lol…is it bad that I have a certain dislike for my son’s cousin because the mother in me feels he is a future threat to my child? Does that even make sense?
 
Okay. You just had a baby. When my babies were that young… talk about mama grizzly bear!!! I’m not belittling your concerns at all, however, some of them may with time not prove to be as big of a problem as they seem they are going to be. For example, there is no reason that you are required to have your child spend time at their house without you being present.

At least they say bedtime prayers. I hope everything works out well for you and even though I haven’t been helpful in the slightest I will say a prayer for you and your beautiful family. 🙂 God Bless you!
 
I completely agree with Grasscutter. Your thoughts will likely change as your kids get older. And if they don’t, that’s okay too. Don’t borrow trouble now.
 
Don’t raise your kids in a religious, judgemental bubble. it NEVER turns out well.
 
roseinthewinter said:
…Is it bad that I have a certain dislike for my son’s cousin because the mother in me feels he is a future threat to my child? Does that even make sense?
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I completely understand. I dread these future family developments because all of my children’s cousins will be brought up as atheists. I will do my absolute best to shelter my children from such junk, even if family harmony has to be sacrificed. My children are my priority and the adults in question can deal with their hurt feelings. (Btw, I don’t believe in the theory that children should be exposed to everything crazy in this world in order to learn how to deal with it.)

I don’t think you see the cousins as a threat per se, but have an issue with the parents and how the children are raised. That’s a difference. The way these children are raised will have an effect on your family. You have a right to be concerned because from what you describe (violent films, toys you find questionable, smoking pot, etc) it is not the most heathy environment. If I were you I would never let the children spend time with those member of the family without you or your husband being there. If things get really bad - smoking pot doesn’t stop, foul language is used by the cousins, your faith is ridiculed - then you and your husband will have to decide how much time you really want to spend with them. I just want to stress that it is such a blessing that you and your husband are on the same page. Because situations like this one can cause serious problems in a marriage when the couple is not in agreement.
 
Your baby is just a baby and his cousin is only 1 month old! Lots can change. There is no reason for kids under 5 or 6 to have playdates alone - even with cousins.

Also, when/if their 3yo starts preschool it is very likely the school will say something about his potty mouth and they’ll have to teach him differently. When he start K (and your baby is only 2!) tons of stuff will come home about avoiding violent games etc. You won’t have to say anything.

So don’t borrow trouble. But do share whatever great parenting books/tips you pick up. Second-hand smoke, TV violence, and a potty mouth don’t have anything to do with religion. You can share mom to mom with your sil in the vein of “hey, here’s what I just heard.” Not, “you are a bad parent for doing xyz”.

I’ll be praying for you and your family. (PS, it IS great when cousins can be close friends - I hope it can work out for your family).
 
Some of my cousins (I have 26 first cousins on my dad’s side) were, shall we say, not the best role models and still aren’t. Granted, we only see them about twice a year because of geography, but my parents never prohibited us from seeing them. I don’t think it is helpful to keep children from relatives unless it means putting the child in real danger. It sends a message that they are “bad” people, and let’s face it, as your child grows up, he is going to encounter a lot of peers who are not religious.

Could you always be present when they play, i.e. only family events? Could they play at your house?

Another thing that can help is to teach strong values to him, discussing why his cousin does is wrong, but we still love people even though what they do might be wrong.
 
You could find that rather than their cousins influence being harmful to your children’s faith, their faith and Christian behavior could positively impact on their cousins.
Lack of love and respect between the cousins won’t act positively, but will demonstrate to the children and their parents that religion divides and alienates.
Faith and prayer.
 
I don’t know how far you should go with this. But for one thing I wouldn’t let my children go to their house unsupervised. One thing I would worry about the most is watching anything on television that is on there. Many shows try to foist off bad morals and bad beliefs onto their audience, and children wouldn’t be prepared to defend themselves from this. One of the latest turns is the effort some shows make to get the audience to accept the gay lifestyle.
 
Frankly, I think you are over-reacting. You have no reason to believe that your nephew is going to turn into the blasphemous, violent, boorish miscreant you are imagining. Many kids turn out to be great people despite having overly permissive parents and your inlaws could develop and change their parenting skills throughout the next few years.

In my mind, family is family. Unless they are literally putting your kids in physical or emotional danger, I don’t think it’s right to cut them off. None of the minor transgressions you described even come close to what it would take for me to keep my children from family members that loved them.

In addition, you are an auntie for crying out loud! How can you write off your poor little infant nephew as unfit company for his cousin, when he’s so tiny, he probably doesn’t even know he has feet yet! He needs his auntie to be there for him and to be confident in his value as a person. I think you should listen to the other posters who said you should not be borrowing trouble. What does your husband say to this? Does he agree that his brother’s family is bad for your family? If my spouse tried to tell me that our siblings’ infant children weren’t good enough to play with our children there wouldn’t be enough “I-didn’t-mean-it-like-that-babe’s” in the world to dig him out of that hole!
 
Allegra said:
Frankly, I think you are over-reacting. You have no reason to believe that your nephew is going to turn into the blasphemous, violent, boorish miscreant you are imagining. Many kids turn out to be great people despite having overly permissive parents and your inlaws could develop and change their parenting skills throughout the next few years.

In my mind, family is family. Unless they are literally putting your kids in physical or emotional danger, I don’t think it’s right to cut them off. None of the minor transgressions you described even come close to what it would take for me to keep my children from family members that loved them.

In addition, you are an auntie for crying out loud! How can you write off your poor little infant nephew as unfit company for his cousin, when he’s so tiny, he probably doesn’t even know he has feet yet! He needs his auntie to be there for him and to be confident in his value as a person. I think you should listen to the other posters who said you should not be borrowing trouble. What does your husband say to this? Does he agree that his brother’s family is bad for your family? If my spouse tried to tell me that our siblings’ infant children weren’t good enough to play with our children there wouldn’t be enough “I-didn’t-mean-it-like-that-babe’s” in the world to dig him out of that hole!
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Yep. This x1000.
 
OP, I feel for you. I do.

My issue is that I lost my mind for a while and found myself re-married to a couch potato who loves video games and whose old friends are all free-loving, chain-smoking, very liberal, swearing… you get the picture. My husband and his son are constantly in front of the tv or a video game. They eat junk food and drink soda. My older kids and I had no tv, we hiked often, ate healthy vegetarian meals, listened to NPR… You get the picture! My husband and his son often drive me NUTS!!! 😉

Lately I’ve been struggling with how this is affecting me, my children, and our new son that we have together. So I can relate!

I say, pray about it. I have prayed about this practically daily. And not in a kind fashion, usually. Sometimes my prayers are like, “Please, Lord… Don’t let the baby be like his dad and half brother. I don’t want his life to revolve around Cheetos and World of Warcraft. Help him be an active, godly man.”

God opened my eyes to my flaws and let me know the influence I have. He is truly great. I wish I could tell you what a big deal this is: The other day my stepson and my younger daughter came home from school. My daughter, who almost never watches tv, threw her bookbag down and asked to watch some tv. I bristled and cursed to myself the day I married “such a bad influence and his rotten son.”

Well, as soon as I had the thought, my stepson came into the room and very gently took my daughter’s hand. “Hey,” he said to her. “Let’s not turn on the tv. Let’s be ‘unplugged’ today. Will you come take a walk a with me?” I was silent and all I could do was nod my head when they asked to go outside. RIGHT after they walked out, I mean AS THE DOOR shut, my parents-in-law sent me a text:

“Just felt the urge to let you know again how much you’ve changed our son and grandson. They are becoming the guys we had hoped. When we used to come down, [my husband] would sleep all day and pawn [my stepson] off on us. He was hateful with our grandson and sarcastic. All they did was sleep and play video games. [My stepson] was an obnoxious little brat and we hated being around him. These two are competely different now and we owe it all to you. We love you and we look forward to moving to [our state]. We never would have had you and your children not come along. We love you more than you know!”

I firmly believe this wasn’t me, but God working through me to answer their prayers! Little ol’ nutty me!!! Humbling!

❤️

I don’t have advice for you, but I wanted to let you know how I sympathize and that God will take care of this! Hang in there, mama. :hug1: He will guide you through!!
 
Thanks for the replies! For those who say im over reacting and dont worry…sorry but i disagree. I know when I die I will answer for what I expose my children too and I dont take that lightly. I learned plenty of stuff from my cousins I would have rather not…and other kids…some of it very damaging…so I ddont think just because its family you should just accept it.

I have given it much thought since I posted this awhile back. Many saints talk about how important it is to keep children away from bad influences. I plan to let it play out and handle it as it comes. I expect hard discussions…but so be it. If it were my side of the family I would be just as diligent. Being a Catholic parent is tough and I want to see my babies to grow into holy men and women. I hope our lifestyle and teaching will give them a good defense and hopefully they will someday be a good influence on their cousins…but until they are formed in that I plan to be very strict about them being around anyone I perceive to be a bad influence.

I do love my nephew too btw 🙂 I have learned to let go and just let it happen as it will.
 
When the babies (yours and his cousin) are older, offer to take the cousin to mass with you. Offer to take him to CCD with your son. Offer to have him over to your house for play dates etc. If you hear him say unacceptable words at your house, you can let him know that “we don’t say those words, and you can’t either while you are here.” YOU and your family can be the influence that includes Christ and Mass and Love.

Like others have said, don’t borrow trouble, the babies are just babies now. Be that positive influence to them all.
 
Have more children and your oldest won’t have any need for a cousin as a close friend!

😉
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Have more children and your oldest won’t have any need for a cousin as a close friend!

😉
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THIS! 😃

I’m in the same situation myself. My sister is due to have her first in March and that would make my LO and her LO only a year apart. Everyone is saying the same thing except for the fact that my husband and I are devote Catholics and my sister and BIL aren’t really anything except worshippers of the gridiron and everything Patriots related. BIL has a swearing habit and he teases my husband and I for being so serious with our faith. My sister is more respectful and certainly has better morals but she is a bit incredulous that we go to Mass every Sunday, forgetting the fact that we both frequent daily Mass and Adoration as well.

My solution is to just have a brood of kiddos. 😉
 
I don’t think you are overacting one bit. I think these are serious issues that need to be ironed out right now. How can you play along for a couple of years and they say ‘Oh by the way, I never could stand your parenting style and our babies will no longer play together’:rolleyes:

This is how I would approach it. Next time someone (not your BIL or his wife) says ‘Isn’t it wonderful the boys will be close’, I would say ‘well age doesn’t always means personalities will match. Time will tell’

If your BIL or his wife says it, I would be more upfront. ‘I would love for my son to be close to his cousins, but the reality is I am going to be really strict in what types of behaviours he will be exposed to. Unfortunately, it may come to me limiting how much time he spends around some children’. I would NOT say ‘your children’.

And this is something I would start IMMEDIATELY. When BIL swears in front of your kid say ‘Please don’t talk like that around my child’ and if he doesn’t stop, get away from BIL. Show him you mean it. Don’t go to family functions where pot is being smoked. No family is worth doing that for.

Don’t fool yourself, this is already an issue and should be dealt with now

CM
 
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