Kids clothing choices for Mass

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belmontmac

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Is it wrong for a father to ask his children to change what they are wearing for Mass? Last Sunday my 8 year old daughter got ready for Mass, and put on a nice comfortable sweatsuit for Mass. She looked fine, I just know Mom has a whole closet full of nicer clothes in her closet. So I asked her if she could change into something nicer, maybe a dress. She went upstairs and was really upset, crying to Mom. Then my oldest 10 year old daughter told me that she and her sisters were bringing their dolls to Mass. I said no, you are all too old(10,8,6), it is not appropriate. In the end I was told I ruined everyone’s morning, and that I am making going to Mass a bad experience for the kids. Was I wrong?🤷
 
You are a GREAD dad, doing what dad is supposed to do in a day and age when dads are afraid to act like dads!! High fives to you!

Time to sit down and have a family meeting about Mass. Lay out the rules:

No Toys

Dress code rules

Clothes are selected the night before, that way, the review and drama can take place then instead of in the morning.

I’d really suggest you get a copy of the DVD from Dr Ray called “Catholic Dads Aren’t Wimps”. You will appreciate it!
 
Has your 10 year old made her First Communion? What about the 8-year-old? If so, I am at a loss as to why they would even think it would be fitting to take a doll to Mass (the 6-year-old is the only one I’m willing to cut some slack on in this case.) Don’t they understand what the Mass is about?

As for proper dress, there are too many threads to count about this topic on these fora, so I won’t address that (although I’m with you on this one! 👍)

I don’t think right before Mass is the best time to address issues like dress code (especially if everyone’s already dressed). However, you ARE the dad, you made a perfectly reasonable request (assuming, of course, YOU were wearing your Sunday best as well) and I don’t like kids playing parents against each other. Even if Mom didn’t agree, she should have backed you up and discussed it with you later. Then, after the two of you had come to an agreement, BOTH of you should have presented it to your children as a family rule.

I’m sure others have opinions to express. In our household, EVERYone wears their best clothes for Mass–I wear dresses or skirt, DH and DS wear dress pants and shirts, NO sneakers, etc. But that’s not a decision we made spur-of-the-moment heading out the door, either.
 
I wonder what mom’s opinion is on this? She might the be one encouraging the kids reactions, not so much directly but indirectly.

In our house, you wear Sunday best which consist of slacks, skirts, dresses, nice shirts and shoes.

Jeans, sweatsuits and other casual clothes are not appropriate for Mass. As far as toys go, they can take one toy but it has to stay in the car. It is not allowed during Mass. If they take a book it has to be about the faith.

My kids are 6 and 9 and I can tell you the 10 does not need to having anything with her during Mass. I encourage my 9 yr old to listen to what is said especially during Father’s homilies. I also encourage her to use the missal. My 6 yr old is starting to become interested in using the missal now too. Mass is not play time. If they want to play they can do it afterward.

I don’t think your wrong, I think you did just fine. 👍

A family discussion might be in order so the kids understand what’s expected of them during Mass.
 
Keep it simple + positive when talking to the kids -
-Mass is about going to meet/see/&be-presentable-to Jesus - & Jesus is pretty important !👍

Would you wear rags when going to meet the president* or a Senator?
    • (A president, not necessarily the current one . . … ;))
 
Kage- I humbly thank you for the compliment.

Bluerose- Yes my oldest has made her communion, is a server at Mass. 8 year old is making her communion this spring. Funny, we are at Mass every week. Never really an issue before with clothing. It just happened, wife and I were out for a run, told the kids to get dressed for Mass while we were gone, and came back to that. My wife saw her on the way upstairs, and it wasn’t what she was expecting either, but didn’t want to make her feel bad. Neither did I, but felt it was something worth correcting, right? The doll issue is beyond me. When they were really young we used to let them bring a small bag of cowboys and indians to “play” with, but not in years. What bothered me was that my wife was going to go along with the dolls, but thats where I drew the line. Wrong? Like I said, I am being told I ruined their day, how Christian I was being.
 
I’m sure I make my son “feel bad” when I correct him for doing something I feel is wrong and don’t agree with. But you know what? I DON’T CARE! I feel bad when I get a ticket for speeding when I’m late for work. Yeah, that “ruins my day”. I’m sure the nice officer who wrote me the ticket DOES NOT CARE! His job is to enforce the rules. That’s our job as parents, too!

And I am always amazed at how people fling that “How un-Christian of you!” accusation around whenever someone speaks up against something that is not right. They’d have probably said the same to Jesus (oh, wait, no, the currently popular theology is that Jesus “wants us all to be happy”…:rolleyes:)

And brace yourself… in a few years your 10-year-old will be a teenager and will be accusing you of “ruining her LIFE” (never mind “day”!) when you have to stand up and refuse to let her do what “all her friends” are doing. Stay strong, Dad! 👍
 
absolutely you were not out of line.

OK, maybe your kids perceived that their day was ruined by not having dolls, but, as a parent I’m sure you know that is hooey right?

You’re right, children that age need to go to mass sans toys and other distractions.

A ruined day is nothing in comparison to getting into the bad habit of…apathy, for the mass and Our Lord’s sacrifice.

Prayers that you and your wife can get on the same page regarding this issue:thumbsup: And good job for stepping up to that spiritual head of the household role:thumbsup:👍👍
 
Thats what I always tell them, wear what you’d wear to meet the president, I always get a look from the wife, so maybe you might have a point. I tell them thats where the saying comes from “wear your Sunday best”. I also told them they could bring their dolls, and they(dolls) could wait in the car. Again, it was odd, my kids know the Mass, know the Bible very well, are very reverent and well behaved, and they know my expectations. It is actually on their behavior chart checklist(Church behavior- for the 6 year old). I do have to admit, my wife and I are not on the exact same page when it comes to Mass and the Church, but I do my best.
 
belmontmac said:
Is it wrong for a father to ask his children to change what they are wearing for Mass?
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Nope.
belmontmac said:
Then my oldest 10 year old daughter told me that she and her sisters were bringing their dolls to Mass. I said no, you are all too old(10,8,6), it is not appropriate.
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Correct. My toddler has only brought her doll to Mass once or twice. I am such a mean mommy.
belmontmac said:
In the end I was told I ruined everyone’s morning, and that I am making going to Mass a bad experience for the kids.
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I disagree with whoever told you this. 😉
belmontmac said:
Was I wrong?🤷
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Nope, not in my opinion.
 
Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if this is typical girl drama. I don’t know why but they get be around this age and everything just becomes soooo dramatic! :rolleyes: Don’t let them get away with it.

You didn’t ruin their day.
 
belmontmac said:
. . . . The doll issue is beyond me. When they were really young we used to let them bring a small bag of cowboys and indians to “play” with, but not in years. What bothered me was that my wife was going to go along with the dolls, but thats where I drew the line. Wrong? … . .
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. . whoops, I forgot to address that in my first post:

again, keep it simple for the kids about who they are going to see: re: Jesus/president/Senator . . .
. . . ask the kiddo - “What is (Jesus/president/Senator) going to do with your dolls (toys), etc. I’m sure He’d rather see You than the toys, etc, and I’m sure He’d rather you see him than be busy paying attention to your toys instead . . .” … .👍
 
Thanks everyone for your comments, I appreciate the distant online support.
 
I think everyone here has it covered, I just wanted to add one thing:

When the sweatsuit-wearing child was told to change, how was it phrased? I know it may sound silly, but I think it would be nice to say “Gee, honey, you look awfully cute, but those aren’t really Church clothes. Can you pick out something dressier?” Perhaps you did this, I don’t know, but I just think it would avoid her feeling criticized.

I know some may disagree with me, however, in my family, with my 10 year old, we make the dress code super clear: No denim, no sneakers, no sweats, no t-shirts. Slacks, skirts, dresses, shoes. Period.

I totally agree about the dolls.
 
The problem here is that you and your wife do not agree. Discuss together what will and will not be enforced, and then stick with it. You might have to give in to the sweatsuit to get rid of the dolls.
 
HouseArrest said:
The problem here is that you and your wife do not agree. Discuss together what will and will not be enforced, and then stick with it. You might have to give in to the sweatsuit to get rid of the dolls.
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No way. A sweatsuit–even a velour one with sparkles–is not appropriate for a Sunday Mass. A 10 year old who also serves at Mass should know this anyway.

As someone said farther up the thread it was more likely girl drama than anything the dad said or mom agreed to.

Yes, mom and dad should be on the same page. Yes, dress code should be spelled out in advance. But even without that, a 10 yo who has made her First Holy Communion, who serves the Mass, who normally dresses fine, should not be given into on this. She knew better.
 
kage-ar mentioned night-before planning. good call. lots of mini disasters are thwarted by planning.

one poster mentioned the ***phrasing ***of your direction. it’s not essential, but it really can make things go smoother-- a spoonful of sugar, and all that.

my husband corrects the girls’ clothing choices MUCH more gently (but still firmly) than I do. he (almost) always starts with a compliment about the outfit he’s rejecting. then he gives guidelines to what they should be changing into. (it’s never a problem with immodest clothes, because all their clothes are modest. just messy or goofy etc.)

though my girls are well catechized, and our family faith life is full, ***they still test this one out regularly. ***

clearly, though, if a direction is given abruptly, we can almost always count on another dilema to follow in its wake (like the dolls.) we call it push-back. it’s human nature i think.

this week, my husband busted our 12 year old daughter wearing a ***weaponry *** t shirt to band class. her brother (a max security federal prison guard) left it at our house. nevermind she was swimming in it–it had weapons on it! we can’t believe she didn’t get kicked out of the school!

he felt like a fool letting her leave like that, but she had a winter coat on.

he was annoyed and scolded her. good for him. she knew better than ***that . ***

(can you imagine that adorable little smiley faced red-haired girl pictured below, wearing a big swampy t-shirt with handguns on it??? that’s why they still have parents-- because they still NEED parents.)

i hope your wife can get on board with you in this. now, i’m really s–t–r–e–t–c–h–i–n–g the info given here, and speculating, but: maybe she thinks you make an issue out of everything? this is a good battle, but if you don’t pick your battles wisely, then the good battles get diminshed in importance. if everything’s an issue, then people stop listenning. if this is not true in your case, then ignore this speculation.
 
It has been very cold these past few days in much of the country. Little girl’s skirts now a days are NOT made for this weather.

As a parent you should have a say in what your children look like going to church, but you do not have a right to oppose your wife without discussion. You should of presented a united team, insted you have an angry wife who dosn’t see eye to eye with you and that probably showed in front of the girls.
 
Mrs_Sally said:
No way. A sweatsuit–even a velour one with sparkles–is not appropriate for a Sunday Mass. A 10 year old who also serves at Mass should know this anyway.

As someone said farther up the thread it was more likely girl drama than anything the dad said or mom agreed to.

Yes, mom and dad should be on the same page. Yes, dress code should be spelled out in advance. But even without that, a 10 yo who has made her First Holy Communion, who serves the Mass, who normally dresses fine, should not be given into on this. She knew better.
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The sweatsuit isn’t really the issue here. It seems to me from this part of the post:

She went upstairs and was really upset, crying to Mom. Then my oldest 10 year old daughter told me that she and her sisters were bringing their dolls to Mass. I said no, you are all too old(10,8,6), it is not appropriate. In the end I was told I ruined everyone’s morning, and that I am making going to Mass a bad experience for the kids. Was I wrong?

that there is a problem between the husband and wife. The problem occurred after the child went upstairs and cried to Mom. If Mom backed up Dad, then the sweatsuit would have been axed along with the doll. I am guessing that it was his wife that told him that he ruined everyone’s morning, and that he is making going to Mass a bad experience for the kids.

I don’t prefer a sweatsuit for Mass, either. But if I had to pick, I’d let the sweatsuit go to Mass and leave the dolls at home.
 
You were not at all out of line.

A sweat suit is not appropriate for Mass, especially when a child has plenty of nicer clothing to wear.

I also agree that an 8 and 10 yr old are WAY too old to bring dolls to Mass. My girls are 6 and 7 and they haven’t brought dolls or any other kind of toys or books to Mass since they were 3 years old. At 3, my kids all have learned enough of the responses to participate in Mass.

Your girls have probably already received First Holy Communion, haven’t they? So they are SUPPOSED to be attentive in Mass and participating. Now, if you and your wife haven’t taken the time to teach them how to participate in Mass, they might honestly be completely clueless and far too accustomed to tuning out during Mass. A lot of young kids who are not taught to participate think that Mass isn’t for them, but for grown-ups.

I applaud your desire to teach your kids to be respectful at Mass by wearing appropriate clothing and not bringing toys. However, you also have to teach them how to be part of the liturgy.
 
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