Kids clothing choices for Mass

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OP here, thanks for all the comments.

I think the biggest problem is that my wife and I are not on the same page when it comes to Mass. It is the highlight of my week, where she see’s it as her “obligation”. So everything stems from that. I don’t mean to speak badly of my wife, and I’m not, we are just in different places when it comes to Mass and the Church. I like to get there early, she’s ok getting there at the last minute, I’m in no rush to leave, she’s ready to go when we’re dismissed, etc. When the kids I feel are under dressed for Mass(not often until recently), I speak up, she thinks it is fine, as they only have modest clothing, as long as they are covered. I agree it might be drama on the 8 yo’s part, the 6 yo is nothing but drama. I agree that it could have been the tone of the response I gave her concerning her outfit, I don’t exactly remember. I am known as a crab in our house, but aren’t all parents crabby from telling their children the same things over and over, or impatient over not listening the first time.(I beg for more patience daily) BTW my children have no behavior problems once we’re there, can follow the Mass, read along in the missal, sing, etc, etc, so its not poor teaching on our part, and yes I dress up for Mass, as does my wife.
 
mac,

i’m concerned that you’re known as a crab in your house. you’re surrounded by daughters and you’ve become the bad guy-- and your wife sort of lets this happen?

if you could count on her for more support, you might not have an issue here. but that’s not how it’s reading.

i’ll repeat: pick your battles and then let the other stuff go. in fact, if you and your wife can agree that ***you ***are in charge of faith and morals (and fashion, both modest and respectful falls into this category) and that she’s in charge of education, house chores etc and… IF YOU CAN LIVE WITH THE AGREEMENT… then that’s the way I’d go.

the tricky part comes in things like potentially risky social events. are you in charge-- morals? or your wife-- calendar management? somewhere along the line here, you’re going to need to learn to work together without caving on the MOST important stuff. Faith and morals are the most important stuff. but Mac, KINDNESS AND GENTLENESS are big deals in faith and morals-- so don’t fail on those scores.

the smart guy will NOT allow his authority to be undermined, NOR his kindness to be dismantled. instead, he’ll choose his battles wisely and proceed kindly, but firmly. he’ll also prayerfull try to figure out a way to get his wife on board. maybe this is the way.
 
I agree with you on dressing nicely for Mass, but maybe work on a united approach with your wife so there isn’t any “Sunday morning madness”… the approach can make all the difference in the world.
 
monicatholic said:
mac,

i’m concerned that you’re known as a crab in your house. you’re surrounded by daughters and you’ve become the bad guy-- and your wife sort of lets this happen?

if you could count on her for more support, you might not have an issue here. but that’s not how it’s reading.

i’ll repeat: pick your battles and then let the other stuff go. in fact, if you and your wife can agree that ***you ***are in charge of faith and morals (and fashion, both modest and respectful falls into this category) and that she’s in charge of education, house chores etc and… IF YOU CAN LIVE WITH THE AGREEMENT… then that’s the way I’d go.

the tricky part comes in things like potentially risky social events. are you in charge-- morals? or your wife-- calendar management? somewhere along the line here, you’re going to need to learn to work together without caving on the MOST important stuff. Faith and morals are the most important stuff. but Mac, KINDNESS AND GENTLENESS are big deals in faith and morals-- so don’t fail on those scores.

the smart guy will NOT allow his authority to be undermined, NOR his kindness to be dismantled. instead, he’ll choose his battles wisely and proceed kindly, but firmly. he’ll also prayerfull try to figure out a way to get his wife on board. maybe this is the way.
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Thanks for the post monica, you’ve got me thinking. I can’t see my daughters letting me be in charge of buying their clothes, nor would that be fair to them.(I wouldn’t buy them nearly what mom buys them)My wife and I don’t see eye to eye on mostly 2 areas, faith and finances. Big I know. Can you explain what you mean in your paragraph with risky social events? I don’t know how to multi quote with those neat boxes. I have been told by my confessor that I need to be more of the head of the household, but easier said than done in my situtation. Your last paragraph has really got me thinking, and I offer up my grace to her after every Mass(confessors advice)
 
belmontmac said:
Is Was I wrong?🤷
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yes you and your wife are both wrong, you have not agreed together, without the children present, on how to prepare for Mass, what is appropriate dress, and how do resolve conflicts when they do arise. Work this out together, nobody here can advise your or help you, because this is not about what the kids are wearing, it is about “running crying to Mom” when Dad gives an order or makes a request. Work it out now. They are going to be teens in a couple of years and it will be too lake if you let them manipulate the two of you against each other now.
 
what i mean mac is this:

say you take charge of faith and morals… going to mass. family prayer. proper catechesis. modest clothing. chaperoned with boys. respectful behavior. etc.

and mom gets the other stuff, chores, schedules, school expectations etc.

there WILL come an issue (many issues)-- like social events, which to you may have moral implications, when your wife sees them as only scheduling challenges.

you’ll be thinking: . who will be there? can the chaperones be trusted? will the music be disgraceful etc?

but mom is thinking: is the time block free? can we arrange the driving? do I agree with the ticket price etc?

my point: many things will arise that will cross into both parents’ realm of authority. perhaps my previous suggestion is untennable.

but here’s what IS do-able:
P-Annie’s got this one right-- you both need to (re)determine what’s acceptable and what’s not.
your priest is right that you need to assume head of your household, esp. in faith and moral concerns.
and i’m right in that you need to do it lovingly but firmly. (your gals seem to be looking for ways to dismiss you and undermmine you. ‘crabby’ seems to be their easys pick. don’t hand them dismissal on a silver platter. be nice. be firm and get your wife on board.)

finally, you are right-- receiving Holy Communion for this intention is excellent and powerful grace.
 
Thanks monica for taking the time to post such good solid basic advice.
 
What is the purpose of the doll coming to Mass for the daughters? Reason I ask–my daughter (who will be 9 at the end of this month) brings her doll (an American Girl ‘just like me’ doll) to Mass, because she considers the doll ‘her best friend’. The doll is dressed very much like my daughter and sits and kneels with us. So, I don’t think a doll is completely inappropriate.

However, I do agree w/ the others that the issue is not really the external things about the clothes and doll; the bigger issue is that even an 8yo knows how to pit one parent against the other–and that sort of manipulation needs to have the brakes applied now, before the stakes get any higher.
 
Melissa said:
What is the purpose of the doll coming to Mass for the daughters? Reason I ask–my daughter (who will be 9 at the end of this month) brings her doll (an American Girl ‘just like me’ doll) to Mass, because she considers the doll ‘her best friend’. The doll is dressed very much like my daughter and sits and kneels with us. So, I don’t think a doll is completely inappropriate.

However, I do agree w/ the others that the issue is not really the external things about the clothes and doll; the bigger issue is that even an 8yo knows how to pit one parent against the other–and that sort of manipulation needs to have the brakes applied now, before the stakes get any higher.
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Probably the same purpose, they were playing dolls in the morning, and thought they should all go to Mass together, cute. I wouldn’t say she was playing parent against parent, because, in the end she changed, she didn’t get her way, she was looking for sympathy from Mom, as most daughters do I am sure.
 
The sweatpants stay home and wearing your Sunday best is a must and non negotiable .The dolls are okay for the youngest,not the older ones.
 
Kids try to get away with as much as possible as often as possible, and when you left them to get dressed on their own, that was their ticket to freedom! LOL I have a 10yo boy. He’s allowed to wear black jeans to church with dress shoes (we go to Saturday evening Mass) and a “button” shirt (golf shirt). Nearly every Saturday he tries to get away with wearing a long-sleeve t-shirt - nothing with characters; he has some that are striped or solid. I must admit that he’s worn the striped or solid when he doesn’t have a clean button shirt, but the rule is that he wear a button shirt if a button shirt is available. That’s our rule. We all dress up if we’re going to Mass on Sunday morning.

Regarding the dolls, to me, it is unacceptable to bring them to Mass. After about age 2, we didn’t allow our son to bring in a sippy cup, snacks, or toys. Mass is only one hour. There for a while, we would let him bring whatever he wanted to in the car but it stayed there during Mass. Also, we made sure he went potty right before we left Mass. We also did not take him to the cry room during Mass - at our old church, it was just a play area, and I’ve heard that about many churches. When we built our new church, no cry room was built because our priest wanted to avoid that play atmosphere, so benches were put in the narthex. We also don’t believe that a child should be taken to the nursery instead of going to Mass. How are they ever going to learn how to behave in church?

Okay - I’ll get off my soap box.
 
I’ve gotten stricter as my husband has gotten more lax! I was raised Protestant and my brother wore a tie and jacket and khakis to church every week; we (my sisters and I) wore dresses or skirts. I used to wear dress slacks until I converted. I only have two or three modest skirts for church, and a few dresses, but that’s what I wear. Nothing sleeveless, skirts to mid calf or below the knee, nothing low cut.

My boys wear khakis and nice button down shirts or a sweater, and shoes to church (no boots). We talk about how we should dress for church as it is an occasion like going out to dinner, or going to grandma’s house, celebrating a holiday.

I think the key is this needs to be a family meeting discussion outside of Sunday morning. Lay down the rules beforehand with your wife, get her (name removed by moderator)ut, and then let the kids know. period end of story, not negotiable. As for toys - my sons are 3 1/2 and newly 6, and haven’t taken a quiet toy to church since they were 2. Nope, not appropriate - leave it in the car.
 
Yes, I think your reaction (considering the entire situation) was unwarranted. You and your wife left your kids with an open ended request to “get ready for Mass” and then you complained that they had not done it properly? If you had said “get ready for mass and make sure you are wearing something that is appropriate” or something to that effect then you would have every right to complain. A six year old left to her own devices to get ready early in the morning is going to pick something that, firstly, is easy to put on. Sounds like she did a good job. You may not have liked it, but that should have been a lesson to YOU to be more specific (or else be present to assist her) in the future.
 
Do their dolls have nice outfits? I don’t see a problem with a little girl bringing her doll to Mass because I always thought the point of dolls was to play mommy. I probably would have said “why don’t you go and find something more dressy for you and for your doll because we all want to look our best for Jesus, and remember we are all on our best behavior at Mass so make sure your doll behaves too because we can’t bring her to Mass if she can’t sit still”.
Eventually your little girls will be teenagers and far beyond taking their dolls with them, so you really have a short term problem with the dolls. Getting them involved in being responsible for making their dolls look nice for Jesus might set the idea in their mind to look nice as well.
God Bless you for taking your children to Mass.
 
Kids do sometimes and when they are young enough, like to bring something to Mass…we bring a childrens’ prayer book or something similar when going to Mass with my 3 yr. old granddaughter. I bought a few childrens’ Catholic prayer and activity books for her. The other 2 are old enough to come solo, but we take them to the Masses that they have Childrens’ Gospel which they enjoy. Otherwise I am sure we would have a hard time motivating them for Mass. (they would go anyway, but not terribly cooperatively)
 
lada said:
Yes, I think your reaction (considering the entire situation) was unwarranted. You and your wife left your kids with an open ended request to “get ready for Mass” and then you complained that they had not done it properly? If you had said “get ready for mass and make sure you are wearing something that is appropriate” or something to that effect then you would have every right to complain. A six year old left to her own devices to get ready early in the morning is going to pick something that, firstly, is easy to put on. Sounds like she did a good job. You may not have liked it, but that should have been a lesson to YOU to be more specific (or else be present to assist her) in the future.
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Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut. I would like to clarify that it was not my 6 yo, it was the 8 yo. Its not like it was our first time going to Mass, they have been going since they were little, so its not new. The 6 yo was dressed fine(she loves clothes and dressing up nice). I admit I was wrong, and could have been more specific, but, they know what is expected, and I think as parents we come to have expectations of our children, they same as if you told them to clean their room, brush their teeth, etc. You would correct them if their homework was not done properly, at least we do, of course in a loving manner.
 
Teelynn said:
Kids do sometimes and when they are young enough, like to bring something to Mass…we bring a childrens’ prayer book or something similar when going to Mass with my 3 yr. old granddaughter. I bought a few childrens’ Catholic prayer and activity books for her. The other 2 are old enough to come solo, but we take them to the Masses that they have Childrens’ Gospel which they enjoy. Otherwise I am sure we would have a hard time motivating them for Mass. (they would go anyway, but not terribly cooperatively)
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Yes we used to do the same, small toys when they were very young, faith related books when they got a little older, but once they were about 4 we decided it wasn’t necessary anymore. Our Church also has a childrens liturgy at the Mass we attend, so the younger 2 go, which they actually get alot out of, more so than if they were in the pew with us, I think. The oldest stays as she should. Its all good, thanks for the (name removed by moderator)ut.
 
Lovemyfaith said:
Do their dolls have nice outfits? I don’t see a problem with a little girl bringing her doll to Mass because I always thought the point of dolls was to play mommy. I probably would have said “why don’t you go and find something more dressy for you and for your doll because we all want to look our best for Jesus, and remember we are all on our best behavior at Mass so make sure your doll behaves too because we can’t bring her to Mass if she can’t sit still”.
Eventually your little girls will be teenagers and far beyond taking their dolls with them, so you really have a short term problem with the dolls. Getting them involved in being responsible for making their dolls look nice for Jesus might set the idea in their mind to look nice as well.
God Bless you for taking your children to Mass.
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Yes they do have nice outfits, they were dressed to go to Mass. I just felt it was and is inappropriate, especially coming from my oldest(10). I had her look around to see if any of her friends brought their dolls with them, they didn’t, she got it. She knows she knows better, but kids, always trying to get away with something. God bless you too, thanks.
 
belmontmac said:
Is it wrong for a father to ask his children to change what they are wearing for Mass? Last Sunday my 8 year old daughter got ready for Mass, and put on a nice comfortable sweatsuit for Mass. She looked fine, I just know Mom has a whole closet full of nicer clothes in her closet. So I asked her if she could change into something nicer, maybe a dress. She went upstairs and was really upset, crying to Mom. Then my oldest 10 year old daughter told me that she and her sisters were bringing their dolls to Mass. I said no, you are all too old(10,8,6), it is not appropriate. In the end I was told I ruined everyone’s morning, and that I am making going to Mass a bad experience for the kids. Was I wrong?🤷
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You weren’t wrong to tell them to change, but what I can’t tell from your post is *how *you told them.

Telling someone to change out of sweats for Mass shouldn’t ruin Sunday morning. Yelling or barking orders might.
 
gardenswithkids said:
You weren’t wrong to tell them to change, but what I can’t tell from your post is *how *you told them.

Telling someone to change out of sweats for Mass shouldn’t ruin Sunday morning. Yelling or barking orders might.
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I agree, but we have gone through this with our oldest and when she has come down ready for Church in something she knows we will not allow her to wear, she is doing it to test us and is ready to debate anything we have to say no matter how we say it. And even if we remain in control and don’t yell or bark orders, her attitude and mood can be just terrible and she will do her best to take everyone else down with her. UGH! It’s been awhile since she has done this, but her attitude could very easily ruin a morning! Those are the days she spends a lot of time alone so that she can’t ruin anyone else’s day. She usually comes around, but she can really test us!
 
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