Kissing boyfriend

[PureGrace]

Hi,

A while back (about two or two and a half years ago) I was inspired by someone who said that they knew someone who had decided not to kiss anyone until the day they got married. I thought that was cool. So I promised God that I would not kiss a boy until my wedding day.

Now I have a boyfriend. If I kiss him, am I sinning because I promised God that I would not kiss anyone til my wedding day?

 

[wjp984]

I assume you mean passionate kissing. I doubt that would be a sin and God would understand how hard the promise is and why you are breaking it. However, I would make sure it is a serious enough relationship worth having a first kiss on. Then again, if you really want to keep that promise see what your boyfriend thinks about it.

 

[PureGrace]

I meant all kissing.

And, my boyfriend says that he is not a fan of my promise, but that he respects it, and that he would NEVER want me to break it unless I wanted to.

 

[Atreyu]

I meant all kissing.

And, my boyfriend says that he is not a fan of my promise, but that he respects it, and that he would NEVER want me to break it unless I wanted to.

Well you’ve put yourself in a bit of a pickle! The Bible actually warns us against making rash oaths. Judges 11:
29 Then the Spirit of the LORD came upon Jephthah. He crossed Gilead and Manasseh, passed through Mizpah of Gilead, and from there he advanced against the Ammonites. 30 And Jephthah made a vow to the LORD : “If you give the Ammonites into my hands, 31 whatever comes out of the door of my house to meet me when I return in triumph from the Ammonites will be the LORD’s, and I will sacrifice it as a burnt offering.”

32 Then Jephthah went over to fight the Ammonites, and the LORD gave them into his hands. 33 He devastated twenty towns from Aroer to the vicinity of Minnith, as far as Abel Keramim. Thus Israel subdued Ammon.

34 When Jephthah returned to his home in Mizpah, who should come out to meet him but his daughter, dancing to the sound of tambourines! She was an only child. Except for her he had neither son nor daughter. 35 When he saw her, he tore his clothes and cried, “Oh! My daughter! You have made me miserable and wretched, because I have made a vow to the LORD that I cannot break.”

36 “My father,” she replied, “you have given your word to the LORD. Do to me just as you promised, now that the LORD has avenged you of your enemies, the Ammonites. 37 But grant me this one request,” she said. “Give me two months to roam the hills and weep with my friends, because I will never marry.”

38 “You may go,” he said. And he let her go for two months. She and the girls went into the hills and wept because she would never marry. 39 After the two months, she returned to her father and he did to her as he had vowed. And she was a virgin.
I don’t want to advocate that you must absolutely abide by your promise, but I am trying to advocate not making such oaths in the future!

 

[DailyBread]

I think God understands this one. It is not like you made a special vow like a religious so you are not breaking a special “promise” to God. I do not think he was going to make you live by your special promise that is not itself necessary. How many of us have probably not followed through on our Lenten Resolution of the thing we gave up. Plus the other thing is that kissing in itself is not bad so its not like you are sinning. Other promises like vows do mean something because its like you took a special promise that you swore to God about. So if you did I doubt you are sinning and something tells me you would only use kissing in your relationship now simply as a gesture of affection. In the early church, they use to exchange the kiss of peace rather than the a sign of peace. So unless you feel like the kissing thing would get out of hand its up to you. Sometimes we re-evaluate what we should do when circumstances change.

 

[DailyBread]

Well you’ve put yourself in a bit of a pickle! The Bible actually warns us against making rash oaths. Judges 11:29 Then the Spirit of the LORD came upon Jephthah. He crossed Gilead and Manasseh, passed through Mizpah of Gilead, and from there he advanced against the Ammonites. 30 And Jephthah made a vow to the LORD : “If you give the Ammonites into my hands, 31 whatever comes out of the door of my house to meet me when I return in triumph from the Ammonites will be the LORD’s, and I will sacrifice it as a burnt offering.”

32 Then Jephthah went over to fight the Ammonites, and the LORD gave them into his hands. 33 He devastated twenty towns from Aroer to the vicinity of Minnith, as far as Abel Keramim. Thus Israel subdued Ammon.

34 When Jephthah returned to his home in Mizpah, who should come out to meet him but his daughter, dancing to the sound of tambourines! She was an only child. Except for her he had neither son nor daughter. 35 When he saw her, he tore his clothes and cried, “Oh! My daughter! You have made me miserable and wretched, because I have made a vow to the LORD that I cannot break.”

36 “My father,” she replied, “you have given your word to the LORD. Do to me just as you promised, now that the LORD has avenged you of your enemies, the Ammonites. 37 But grant me this one request,” she said. “Give me two months to roam the hills and weep with my friends, because I will never marry.”

38 “You may go,” he said. And he let her go for two months. She and the girls went into the hills and wept because she would never marry. 39 After the two months, she returned to her father and he did to her as he had vowed. And she was a virgin. I don’t want to advocate that you must absolutely abide by your promise, but I am trying to advocate not making such oaths in the future!

Someone correct me if i am wrong but making an oath before God is a little more involved than simply saying, God I promise to do a. When you swore to something, it meant you asked death or a curse to come upon you if you failed. I doubt the OP did that. With Jephthah, he made a special oath before God that was an exchange in a sense. I do not thing the OP made a special promise with this type of covental form like he did.

 

[PureGrace]

Okay. So now I am sad. Does that mean if I do kiss him I am doomed to die? Or that I will be cursed?

You see, I did say “God I vow that…” or “God I swear that…” (I am not sure which I used) because I felt that if I said that, I would be sure never to break it because if I did I would be in big trouble.

Oh dear…

 

[baltobetsy]

Grace, go to confession and talk to the priest about your promise and your wish to change it.

He will probably tell you that unless you made the vow under public and formal circumstances, it is not binding. He will probably caution you to be more careful about such promises in the future.

You will also have the opportunity to discuss the role of kissing in a relationship with a boy and how to keep it chaste.

In the unlikely event that your vow is binding, the priest has the authority to release you from it.

Betsy

 

[Atreyu]

Grace, go to confession and talk to the priest about your promise and your wish to change it.

He will probably tell you that unless you made the vow under public and formal circumstances, it is not binding. He will probably caution you to be more careful about such promises in the future.

You will also have the opportunity to discuss the role of kissing in a relationship with a boy and how to keep it chaste.

In the unlikely event that your vow is binding, the priest has the authority to release you from it.

Betsy

I agree with Betsy (for what it’s worth).

 

[carol_marie]

I agree… talk to your Priest.

My friend’s daughter did the say thing… and then she broke her “vow” with a guy she had been dating for months & was madly in love with. (she was 18 years old). Anyhow, their “perfect” relationship fell apart shortly thereafter and she is totally convinced that it was because of her broken promise to God.

Maybe, maybe not? I don’t know. I just think you should proceed with caution.

And to all others reading this thread: DON’T promise God you won’t kiss before marriage. No sex - yes, good promise. No kissing - bad promise!!!

 

[Benedictus]

And to all others reading this thread: DON’T promise God you won’t kiss before marriage. No sex - yes, good promise. No kissing - bad promise!!!

 

[PureGrace]

This is really scary guys. It is like I made the ultimate mistake. I feel like I did totally the wrong thing. Am I trapped now? If I kiss my boyfriend, will our relationship go bad, too? Why would God punish me?

 

[Atreyu]

This is really scary guys. It is like I made the ultimate mistake. I feel like I did totally the wrong thing. Am I trapped now? If I kiss my boyfriend, will our relationship go bad, too? Why would God punish me?

See Betsy’s post, #8. I strongly advise seeing a priest in the Sacrament of Confession.

 

[Verbum_Caro]

Hi PureGrace,

Have courage!

Some of the other posters have advised you to talk to your priest, and that is really the best advice. I don’t think anyone here can really give you a definitive answer, because none of us know all the surrounding circumstances.

Personally, with the little I know, I would think that you merely made an ambiguous promise, perhaps something more of an aspiration, and probably one that wouldn’t be considered binding on you.

But even if it rose to the level of a vow (and in your case it would be what would be termed as a “simple” as opposed to a “solemn” vow) then there is also good reason to think it would not be binding.

Why?

Because for a vow to be valid it needs to be given after full deliberation. There is certainly some question as to whether or not you were capable of the deliberation necessary at the age of 16.

Also, for a vow to be valid, you need to have been free from any error which may have affected the reason for making the vow. For instance, if you were in fact in error 2 and half years ago about what kissing entails, or leads to, or the extent of the good which you would be giving up then it can be convincingly argued that your lack of knowledge renders the vow void.

And, even if it was a valid vow (which again, I think unlikely) it still could be dispensed with. There is even a canon law on this topic:

Can. 1191 §1 A vow is a deliberate and free promise made to God, concerning some good which is possible and better. The virtue of religion requires that it be fulfilled.

Can. 1192 §1 A vow is public if it is accepted in the name of the Church by a lawful Superior; otherwise, it is private.

§2 It is solemn if it is recognised by the Church as such; otherwise, it is simple.

Can. 1196 Besides the Roman Pontiff, the following can dispense from private vows, provided the dispensation does not injure the acquired rights of others;

1° the local Ordinary and the parish priest, in respect of all their own subjects

So, it looks like under canon law (although I am not a canon lawyer) your vow (if it was indeed a valid vow) would have been a private, simple vow. And those kinds of vows can be dispensed with by your parish priest (who has been given the charge to care for your soul).

In summary:

1. Have courage!
2. It can be argued it wasn’t a vow, and therefore not binding as such.
3. If it was a vow, it can be argued that it did not fulfill the conditions of a valid vow, namely full deliberation.
4. Even if a vow, with full deliberation, it can be argued that it was not free from error, and thereby nullifying it.
5. Even if a vow, with full deliberation, and otherwise valid, it could only be a private simple vow, which can be dispensed from by your parish priest.

I offer these comments to you in the hope that it will at least alleviate any fear or despair that you have. They are purely speculative on my part since I don’t have the training or education to really address this topic, nor the knowedge of your particular situation. So take it for what its worth: the 2 cents of random stranger.

But there is someone who does have the training and education to deal with it: your parish priest! Call him and make an appointment.

God bless,
VC

 

[PureGrace]

Hi PureGrace,

Have courage!

Some of the other posters have advised you to talk to your priest, and that is really the best advice. I don’t think anyone here can really give you a definitive answer, because none of us know all the surrounding circumstances.

Personally, with the little I know, I would think that you merely made an ambiguous promise, perhaps something more of an aspiration, and probably one that wouldn’t be considered binding on you.

But even if it rose to the level of a vow (and in your case it would be what would be termed as a “simple” as opposed to a “solemn” vow) then there is also good reason to think it would not be binding.

Why?

Because for a vow to be valid it needs to be given after full deliberation. There is certainly some question as to whether or not you were capable of the deliberation necessary at the age of 16.

Also, for a vow to be valid, you need to have been free from any error which may have affected the reason for making the vow. For instance, if you were in fact in error 2 and half years ago about what kissing entails, or leads to, or the extent of the good which you would be giving up then it can be convincingly argued that your lack of knowledge renders the vow void.

And, even if it was a valid vow (which again, I think unlikely) it still could be dispensed with. There is even a canon law on this topic:

So, it looks like under canon law (although I am not a canon lawyer) your vow (if it was indeed a valid vow) would have been a private, simple vow. And those kinds of vows can be dispensed with by your parish priest (who has been given the charge to care for your soul).

In summary:

1. Have courage!
2. It can be argued it wasn’t a vow, and therefore not binding as such.
3. If it was a vow, it can be argued that it did not fulfill the conditions of a valid vow, namely full deliberation.
4. Even if a vow, with full deliberation, it can be argued that it was not free from error, and thereby nullifying it.
5. Even if a vow, with full deliberation, and otherwise valid, it could only be a private simple vow, which can be dispensed from by your parish priest.

I offer these comments to you in the hope that it will at least alleviate any fear or despair that you have. They are purely speculative on my part since I don’t have the training or education to really address this topic, nor the knowedge of your particular situation. So take it for what its worth: the 2 cents of random stranger.

But there is someone who does have the training and education to deal with it: your parish priest! Call him and make an appointment.

God bless,
VC

Thank you so much. That makes so much sense and you backed up your response well. You should be a canon lawyer. For the record though, I think I was 17. I turned 19 this summer, and I didn’t make it during my first year of uni when i was 18…so it must have been in high school when I was 17…or 16…

But thank you. Such a logical answer. I like logical-ness.

 

[DailyBread]

I just want to say that i agree with the othr posters; talk to a priest about it, but something tells me you are not under some special promise.

 

[wjp984]

I would guess that there are many people who make promises to God without thinking much of it after a while. At least you chose to make your promise as a vow and my guess is you were primarily interested in being chaste and waiting until marriage (basically being a good Catholic) more so than just not kissing. That’s a good thing and just keep that promise. So in my opinion doon’t worry about the promise ando feel free to kiss if it doesn’t lead to anything else. The probable more common situation people do is the conditional promise where just give me this or that and I will do… Then the situation becomes a lot worse than yours as that one bible story brought up earlier suggests.

 

[rwoehmke]

Just remember kiddo, there are kisses and than there are kisses. Chaste kisses and what we used to call French Kisses. Some kisses, unless you are married, can lead to more trouble than you need.

 

[JimG]

This is really scary guys. It is like I made the ultimate mistake. I feel like I did totally the wrong thing. Am I trapped now? If I kiss my boyfriend, will our relationship go bad, too? Why would God punish me?

You are young. Such rash promises are not binding. God will not punish you.

 

[E.E.N.S]

Such rash promises are not binding. God will not punish you.

Is that an infallible statement?

(Note: By my comment I mean not to judge the OP in anyway on this matter, I just find it dangerous when people make comments such as these.)