Kissing Infidelity

[Island_Oak]

If a wife completely abandons the “girlfriend” role in the relationship, trouble isn’t far away. Men do the exact same thing when they sit around the house all weekend watching sports. These are great ways to kill a marriage.

ABSOLUTELY TRUE!!! Which is one of the big reasons that I have gone to great lengths and much effort to maintain my figure (after 3 kids), my weight, my activity level, and yes, an active sex life w/ my husband. Will this guarantee that neither of us would ever stray? There is no such guarantee. But it won’t be because he lost his “girlfriend” or that our intimacy is not the safest refuge for him from the stress that only increases over the years with the demands of career, kids, etc.

Other issues in a relationship can falter as well, but if you are dedicated to connecting physically w/your partner and have the confidence in your ability to provide comfort and pleasure, your communication has to be strong–and few men will abandon that.

 

[whatevergirl]

I’ve had buddies, aquaintences and few close friends confide in me with their most personal issues over the years because I’ve got twenty-five plus years of marriage behind me and they know that I can keep my mouth shut.

The common thread that seems to run through all of these indiscretions whether they became full blown sexual relationships or just inappropriate emotional attachments to another woman is this: At some point after they got married, every single one of them felt as if they had lost their girlfriend. I always ask them that question. “When you got married, did you lose your girlfriend?” I’ve had buddies break down on me talking about feeling a sense of loss. They all regreted what they did.

I’m not talking about scumbags who hang out in bars and pick up one night stands while their wife is at home taking care of the children. These guys were good men who didn’t know how to confront the real issue. Many of them were afraid to bring it up with their wives. One guy who did bring it up was called “immature & selfish” because he wanted some alone time with her. His wife had school activites and kid’s sports scheduled nearly every single night including weekends.

None of these guys were proud of what they did. Every single one of them were lonely. Often times, a wife is overly involved with kids and their activities, relatives, work, friends whatever. The same thing happens to “sports widows”. The guy that spends too much time with his buddies on the weekend is asking for trouble. The man & wife relationship must come first or infidelity (on some level) is almost a guarantee.

No, you’re not a fool. You are angry and rightly so. But please step back from your anger for a few hours today and think about what I’ve written here.

God Bless you and your husband.

Prayers coming at ya!

I know many who have cheated as well, and while what you say is true, it often times has nothing to do with the other spouse, doing or not doing something or enough. That’s been my experience with friends and family who have cheated. If it were as simple as a spouse not taking care of him/her appearance, or not enough alone time, not enough sex, etc…we wouldn’t see so many buff movie stars constantly divorcing…those are some of the most beautiful people in the world, with the highest of divorce rates. Truth is, people who are praying fervently to God, and contstantly look for ways to get closer to God…rarely cheat. Men and women who devote themselves to the marriage, and who put God first in everything, won’t cheat. Typically, people who don’t have God too much in their lives, cheat. I remember a guy my dh and I knew who has an absolutely stunning wife, who was devoted to him…literally waited on him hand and foot, and he cheated all the time. So, it’s more than skin deep…

Yes, marriages can take a backseat to child raising, and I have often said on this board that that is a surefire way to ruin a marriage…but, I think that many men and women would rather point a finger at their partner, than admit they have a problem deep down inside that they’d hope marriage would ‘cure,’ and it didn’t. Often times, people who cheat, and leave their spouses for the new person, have a higher divorce rate with the new person, so obviously, it is about the cheater moreso, than the person they left. Just some food for thought.

Gerly–I’m sorry this happened in your marriage. I will be praying for you.

 

[whatevergirl]

ABSOLUTELY TRUE!!! Which is one of the big reasons that I have gone to great lengths and much effort to maintain my figure (after 3 kids), my weight, my activity level, and yes, an active sex life w/ my husband. Will this guarantee that neither of us would ever stray? There is no such guarantee. But it won’t be because he lost his “girlfriend” or that our intimacy is not the safest refuge for him from the stress that only increases over the years with the demands of career, kids, etc.

Other issues in a relationship can falter as well, but if you are dedicated to connecting physically w/your partner and have the confidence in your ability to provide comfort and pleasure, your communication has to be strong–and few men will abandon that.

I think you are so right, Island, too…that the physical connection between a couple, just keeping up with how each other looks, can greatly benefit MOST marriages. If someone wants to cheat – he/she will cheat. Sometimes, many times even, it has nothing to do with the other spouse.

 

[whatevergirl]

TLM–what prompts you to start such a topic?

 

[sanctamaria17]

Still, I don’t think that gives anyone the excuse for looking for trouble outside the marriage.

I’m sorry, but if my future husband felt he wasn’t giving me attention, then why wouldn’t he TRUST me enough to tell me? Also, you can never go back to being a “girlfriend” when married with kids and all of a sudden, you’re busier than ever you were at any job.

And if she still doesn’t give in or refuses counseling, then leave or stay completely faithful to your vows. Because when you take those vows, they are for LIFE (barring invalid marriages). FORSAKING ALL OTHERS!!!

As for kissing, I dated once, had a long distance relationship AND he ignored me for most of it (lasted just over a year). I STILL didn’t kiss another man or even start something up, and I was a seventeen year old girl with hormones! (Women can have high sex drives too, btw). I didn’t because, though we weren’t married, I was committed to this guy (and we are better friends now than ever when we were dating) and it would have been wrong!

I do believe most of the women who said no. Why is it impossible to believe that people can be faithful in marriages, through both good AND bad?

Maybe there are problems in marriages and failures in the marriage are not always the fault of just one person (barring a highly abusive spouse). But at the end of the day, you make the choice to honor your vows or not. If the situations you get into are problematic, then you should remove yourself. And if you do sin, confess it, to God and your spouse, since your spouse was the one you wronged.

 

[TLM08]

ABSOLUTELY TRUE!!! Which is one of the big reasons that I have gone to great lengths and much effort to maintain my figure (after 3 kids), my weight, my activity level, and yes, an active sex life w/ my husband. Will this guarantee that neither of us would ever stray? There is no such guarantee. But it won’t be because he lost his “girlfriend” or that our intimacy is not the safest refuge for him from the stress that only increases over the years with the demands of career, kids, etc.

Other issues in a relationship can falter as well, but if you are dedicated to connecting physically w/your partner and have the confidence in your ability to provide comfort and pleasure, your communication has to be strong–and few men will abandon that.

The woman who wrote the above post is every decent man’s dream wife come true. Your husband is one lucky man.

God bless you both!

 

[Imryl]

I have never even had an inclination to kiss anyone other then my husband. I never experienced any inclinations of that sort while dating various men over the years either.

(The assertion that those who don’t include God in their life are more likely to cheat also falls short as far as I’m concerned… I’ve been a diabolist my entire life and yet I’ve never cheated. Those who choose infidelity are to blame, not the other way around.)

 

[Walter_X_Mitty]

I think whatever girl has it right. The issue is more with the person who cheated. It’s a sign of immaturity and low self esteem and a poor relationship with God. I’ve lived through this three times already.

 

[whatevergirl]

I think whatever girl has it right. The issue is more with the person who cheated. It’s a sign of immaturity and low self esteem and a poor relationship with God. I’ve lived through this three times already.

If you mean personally, I’m so sorry to hear that.

 

[kage_ar]

The common thread that seems to run through all of these indiscretions whether they became full blown sexual relationships or just inappropriate emotional attachments to another woman is this: At some point after they got married, every single one of them felt as if they had lost their girlfriend. I always ask them that question. “When you got married, did you lose your girlfriend?” I’ve had buddies break down on me talking about feeling a sense of loss. They all regreted what they did.

The man & wife relationship must come first or infidelity (on some level) is almost a guarantee.

It is a sad thing that our culture has told men and women that marriage is somehow based on romance and emotion.

Scripture and the Church teach us how a godly husband treats his wife in Ephesians 5:

"Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and handed himself over for her 26 to sanctify her, cleansing her by the bath of water with the word, 27 that he might present to himself the church in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 So (also) husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one hates his own flesh but rather nourishes and cherishes it, even as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. "

Those verses speak of a man who does not expect to be the center of attention. They speak of a mature man, a man who will die to himself.

Prayers for all marriages, that we can grow in grace and become an example to the world NOT of Hollywood love stories but of Christ and His Church.

 

[chevalier]

Umm. It seems to me it’s always more about the person who does it because barring extreme forms of provocation, acts are always more about the actor than about the target. But at the same time, while being totally ignored is no licence to cheat, I couldn’t agree if someone said the ignoring spouses were blameless - even from the point of view of the infidelity itself and not merely in a general sense. For example, if someone can’t find time for his or her spouse day by day, year by year, just how surprised can that person be if an affair starts, especially one that evolves from a friendship gone too far? This isn’t to justify wrong acts but to make sure the allocation of blame is well calibrated.

 

[Sillara]

I know that during my soon-to-be 12 years of marriage, I have always avoided ANY situation where I could cause scandal or draw myself into temptation. Even when, say, my husband was out of town and a mutual friend (male) wanted to go to dinner with me, I did not. The guy in question is a friend of my husband’s as well, but I did not think it was appropriate. It is better to be safe than sorry. That is why I was able to vote NO in the poll. If you do not put yourself into the sort of situation where this can happen, then you do not have to worry about resisting the temptation.

 

[rayne89]

I really find this idea of a husband losing his “girlfriend” almost degrading as if being a girlfriend is better than being a wife. As if being a wife is less fun, less sexy, less appealing. Being a girlfriend is not a sacrament, it is not a life long commitment, it is not a giving of one’s self completely. How on earth is that better?Being a wife is also not an excuse to ignore your husband or place the children above your marriage.

The last thing I would have wanted when I got married is for my husband to continue to act like my boyfriend. And if we are following God’s plan being a wife should be far more sexy, far more intimate since one should not be having sex with one’s girlfriend.

I have been married 18 years and no I have never kissed another man other than my husband in all that time.

 

[EvelynEVF]

I’ve had to move out of an abusive marriage, but even with all the abuse for years and years, I never ever considered cheating. Not once. And if a tribunal tells me I need to be celibate for the rest of my life, so be it. I certainly have a sex drive, but I am not ruled by it. I will not jeopardize my access to the sacraments, and my relationship with Jesus.

Neglect is not an excuse. That said, I’m sure it makes people vulnerable, but we still make our own choices.

 

[TLM08]

I really find this idea of a husband losing his “girlfriend” almost degrading as if being a girlfriend is better than being a wife. As if being a wife is less fun, less sexy, less appealing. Being a girlfriend is not a sacrament, it is not a life long commitment, it is not a giving of one’s self completely. How on earth is that better?Being a wife is also not an excuse to ignore your husband or place the children above your marriage.

The last thing I would have wanted when I got married is for my husband to continue to act like my boyfriend. And if we are following God’s plan being a wife should be far more sexy, far more intimate since one should not be having sex with one’s girlfriend.

I have been married 18 years and no I have never kissed another man other than my husband in all that time.

You see… the problem is that many (not all) wives let themselves go once the wedding is over. They often blame childbirth for an additional 50 lbs. The hair gets cut sort and make-up is no longer a part of her daily routine. Her behavior starts to change. She no longer feels the need or desire to give of herself. Much of what attracted her husband (physically and emotionally) in the first place gets phased out as she shifts into “mommy mode”.

Men will often do the same thing. They will stop paying attention to their wife. They get fat and lazy. Entire weekends consumed by sports, drinking with buddies, and spending entirely too much time at work.

Sometimes it’s a matter of what came first? The chicken or the egg? Did her bahavior cause his? Or did his behavior cause hers? What does it matter? These are the perfect set ups for infidelity to creep into a marriage. Just a word to the wise.

 

[TLM08]

Among the 53 women have voted “no” so far, I suspect that 10 of you are not telling the truth.

Among the 16 men who voted “no” so fat, I suspect that 4 of you are not telling the truth.

I think there are a lot of married people who have done this… but have been able to put on the brakes after coming to their senses. That is really the whole point of the Original Post.

 

[chevalier]

I really find this idea of a husband losing his “girlfriend” almost degrading as if being a girlfriend is better than being a wife. As if being a wife is less fun, less sexy, less appealing. Being a girlfriend is not a sacrament, it is not a life long commitment, it is not a giving of one’s self completely. How on earth is that better?Being a wife is also not an excuse to ignore your husband or place the children above your marriage.

It is not degrading if you consider that the last sentence you wrote. If a man marries, he no longer has a girlfriend. Now he has a wife. But if the wife has no time for him, then, as a mental shortcut, he gives up a girlfriend but doesn’t get a wife. He has one, but she’s not there for him, meaning he’s alone. Therefore the metaphor of losing his girlfriend and not getting anything in exchange is somewhat accurate. Think of a woman who is no longer courted but has a man who divides his time between work, education of children and social duties in the community, no time for the wife. As you say, there’s no excuse to ignore the very person to whom marriage ties us.

 

[Lerin]

You see… the problem is that many (not all) wives let themselves go once the wedding is over. They often blame childbirth for an additional 50 lbs. The hair gets cut sort and make-up is no longer a part of her daily routine. Her behavior starts to change. She no longer feels the need or desire to give of herself. Much of what attracted her husband (physically and emotionally) in the first place gets phased out as she shifts into “mommy mode”.

Men will often do the same thing. They will stop paying attention to their wife. They get fat and lazy. Entire weekends consumed by sports, drinking with buddies, and spending entirely too much time at work.

Sometimes it’s a matter of what came first? The chicken or the egg? Did her bahavior cause his? Or did his behavior cause hers? What does it matter? These are the perfect set ups for infidelity to creep into a marriage. Just a word to the wise.

On two different threads, you question or blame the woman for her husband’s infidelity. That is what is so infuriating to me. You don’t know these women. You don’t know the history or situation.

I understand your scenario. I just find it exteremely uncharitable for you to comment on hurting women’s posts the way you have.

Sometimes, partners cheat out of their own selfishness and sin. Sometimes, a man or woman hasn’t gotten “fat and lazy” or started ignoring their partner. Sometimes, a partner pulls away and the other spouse doesn’t know why… then finds out there is an affair.

Sometimes, we cannot have sex for medical reasons… chemo, for example. Sometimes, partners put on weight because of kidney disease. Sometimes, a girlfriend/boyfriend role takes a backseat when there are REAL medical and life issues, and we should cling to one another as husband and wife. No one would say the other spouse is to blame if the partner cheats in this situation. I know a wonderful, loyal woman who was diagnosed with cancer 21 years into her marriage… and her selfish, sinful husband dealt with it by turning to cocaine and other women. I’m telling you, IT HAPPENS.

AGAIN… for better or worse, we commit for life. If we want a “happy” marriage, we get help from the Church when things start to sour. We don’t go find someone else to fill a gap for us that a spouse SHOULD fill.

 

[Lerin]

Among the 53 women have voted “no” so far, I suspect that 10 of you are not telling the truth.

Among the 16 men who voted “no” so fat, I suspect that 4 of you are not telling the truth.

I think there are a lot of married people who have done this… but have been able to put on the brakes after coming to their senses. That is really the whole point of the Original Post.

Again, why do you assume people on an anonymous internet poll are lying?

 

[Imryl]

You see… the problem is that many (not all) wives let themselves go once the wedding is over. They often blame childbirth for an additional 50 lbs. The hair gets cut sort and make-up is no longer a part of her daily routine. Her behavior starts to change. She no longer feels the need or desire to give of herself. Much of what attracted her husband (physically and emotionally) in the first place gets phased out as she shifts into “mommy mode”.

Here is another news flash.

People do in fact change over the course of a life time. Sometimes for better, sometimes for worse, and more often a little of both. However, they are still the person you stood before the alter with.

It seems to me you are suffering from what a good number of men suffer from… this idealized version of what a woman ought to look like. Go back not 100 years and you will find most women look “plump”. At least by our standards…

Priorities change, schedules shift… Life happens. These things you have pointed out happen to each spouse, in every marriage, 100% of the time. No one is the same person now that they were just one short year ago.

So I’ll leave you with two gems spoken by other members that deserve to be read for a second time.

It is a sad thing that our culture has told men and women that marriage is somehow based on romance and emotion.

Also, you can never go back to being a “girlfriend” when married with kids and all of a sudden, you’re busier than ever you were at any job.