Kissing Infidelity

[CJ_Nick]

While at the store today, I noticed a couple. The man was a very average looking fellow in his 50s. His wife was about 5’5 and every bit of 300lbs plus. Her hair was short enough to pass military standards for men and she had a significant amount of untrimmed facial hair.

I have no reason to doubt that they were deeply in love and faithful to one another. But I have to wonder how her physical situation effects their intimate life. Just as easily, it could have been the husband in such a physically unattractive condition. I also realize that this woman may be an absolute angel of a human being. It’s likely that she is much better off spiritually than I will ever be.

How does a man remain sexually faithful (no porn, no sinful fantasies or distractions) when the arousal factor is zero? But for the grace of God… there go I.

It’s an honest question folks, so please don’t slaughter me.

Just wondering.

Hello TLM,

No need to worry about being slaughtered as Jesus has willingly taken care of that for US ALL

A few points for your consideration, if I may

Arousal factor to you may be VERY different than to someone else

Arousal is a small part of what attracts me ( sexually ) to my bride

Sexually faithful has nothing to do with your spouses look ( There are many, you realize, that are not faithful while still being very attracted " physical " to their spouse.

To suggest that a couple struggles with this on the mere fact of ones weight, hair color, wrinkles, etc, is to completly not understand what is involved in the enormous beuty and sharing that takes place in a marital relationship.

See, I didn’t slaughter you,I simply offered some things to consider

Peace,
CJ

 

[kage_ar]

How does a man remain sexually faithful (no porn, no sinful fantasies or distractions) when the arousal factor is zero? But for the grace of God… there go I.

First of all, to be faithful in marriage is based on commitment, it is a choice that we make.

A Christian marriage does not have vows that say “I take you to be my wife to have and to hold until you get fat or ugly, then, I ain’t gonna hold no more”.

What will you do if your spouse is maimed by injury or illness, if they lose the physical beauty?

And, who are you to say that this man is not aroused by his wife? Some people date and marry and are attracted to those of us who are not models.

 

[whatevergirl]

How close were you standing to this couple?

Well, maybe there is something medically wrong there…never know. The thing is, that turning to porn or adultery isn’t ever an answer if someone is ‘turned off’ to his/her spouse in marriage. Again, I think adultery from those I know who have done that, are doing so because they lack something within themselves, that they hope another person outside of the marriage will fill. It rarely has to do with looks being the driving factor.

I think your friends talking about how they miss their girlfriend, to a degree, have a shallow view on marriage. I used to wear mini skirts, and dance the night away with my husband…uh, we have two kids now, both work fulltime, and I’m 40…I look younger, but not young enough to pull of the mini skirts anymore. Nor would that look appropriate, I think.

That being said, men are visual, I think that it’s important to want to look attractive to our spouses–it shows we care, but we also can show we care in a variety of ways. The couple you talk about in the store, maybe he came to terms with that part of his marriage…he is committed to the marriage, and to being there for his wife–no matter how she has changed in appearance. And she might be ill, never know.

 

[EvelynEVF]

I don’t think ten of us ladies are lying. I’m thinking there may be a gender difference here. I don’t want to paint with too broad a brush, but wouldn’t it be easier for a man to kiss another woman as just a physical thing? For me as a woman, I would have to be very deeply emotionally involved with that hypothetical man before I would kiss him. So you may be asking two different questions to two different populations, and reading your masculine experience into the feminine answers.

I would be stunned if any of the women were lying.

 

[Imryl]

The above quote was in response to your question: “What if the spouse WANTED to gain weight… on purpose”

… the context also suggested that this was done with no regard for the other spouse’s preference.

Please do not quote me out of context.

I did not quote you out of context. I never asked any such question. I said, and I quote, “Oh please. As if husband or wife WANTS to gain weight and be less attractive all around.”

Where exactly is there a question in that comment? I never said anything about a spouse *wanting *to gain weight. You obviously read my post wrong.

 

[yessisan]

Passionate kissing is foreplay. Why would I engage in foreplay with someone other than my husband?

Ditto!

 

[Imryl]

How does a man remain sexually faithful (no porn, no sinful fantasies or distractions) when the arousal factor is zero? But for the grace of God… there go I.

You’re awfully fixated on what women can do so that men *can *remain faithful. … As if it’s impossible to do so unless some action is taken by the woman. … I’d wager to bet you might even offend some men on this forum by implying that they’re helpless in the face of their sexual impulses unless their wife remains pristine.

Did you say that? No, but every time you respond it sounds more and more like that’s what you believe.

What do you mean how do they remain faithful? I’d imagine that being grown adults they can make the choice not to do any of these things. The man can take steps to ensure that he’s never in such a position. And both can work together to make sure they remain as attractive to one another as possible.

Stop fixating on other people’s faults and pluck that log from your eye.

 

[TLM08]

You’re awfully fixated on what women can do so that men *can *remain faithful. … As if it’s impossible to do so unless some action is taken by the woman. … I’d wager to bet you might even offend some men on this forum by implying that they’re helpless in the face of their sexual impulses unless their wife remains pristine.

Did you say that? No, but every time you respond it sounds more and more like that’s what you believe.

What do you mean how do they remain faithful? I’d imagine that being grown adults they can make the choice not to do any of these things. The man can take steps to ensure that he’s never in such a position. And both can work together to make sure they remain as attractive to one another as possible.

Stop fixating on other people’s faults and pluck that log from your eye.

Ouch!

I haven’t attacked anyone nor will I ever. Lord knows that I have my faults… probably more than the average bear, but these are sincere questions. Does anyone here other than Imryl feel that I have been hypocritical?

 

[whatevergirl]

Here’s a bandaid TLM.

No, not hypocritical. I think that your view of marriage seems to be conditional, though–just from what you post…the wife does xyz, then the husband will or won’t do xyz…if the husband does this, the wife should do that.

Marriage is not about conditional love. If you believe that it isn’t, then your posts don’t show that, I’m afraid. On the other hand, you show another side to your thoughts on this, but the part that keeps coming up, are the conditions that men should place on women to remain faithful.

 

[LJN21]

Ouch!

I haven’t attacked anyone nor will I ever. Lord knows that I have my faults… probably more than the average bear, but these are sincere questions. Does anyone here other than Imryl feel that I have been hypocritical?

Not really, I think its a valid point. Possibly better stated though you get from a marriage what you put in to it. If your a slob (either spouse) and don’t do a blessed thing for your spouse things are going to go south.

Yeah there are jerks (of both sexes) out there that are going to cheat regardless of what you do for them. There are also husbands (and wives) that feel utterly rejected and used by their wives (and husbands) who don’t pay any attention to them at all and reject them when they try to renew some intimacy.

 

[whatevergirl]

Not really, I think its a valid point. Possibly better stated though you get from a marriage what you put in to it. If your a slob (either spouse) and don’t do a blessed thing for your spouse things are going to go south.

Yeah there are jerks (of both sexes) out there that are going to cheat regardless of what you do for them. There are also husbands (and wives) that feel utterly rejected and used by their wives (and husbands) who don’t pay any attention to them at all and reject them when they try to renew some intimacy.

Said much better. lol
TLM–is this what you meant to say? lol

 

[Pinkyyy]

I’ve had buddies, aquaintences and few close friends confide in me with their most personal issues over the years because I’ve got twenty-five plus years of marriage behind me and they know that I can keep my mouth shut.

The common thread that seems to run through all of these indiscretions whether they became full blown sexual relationships or just inappropriate emotional attachments to another woman is this: At some point after they got married, every single one of them felt as if they had lost their girlfriend. I always ask them that question. “When you got married, did you lose your girlfriend?” I’ve had buddies break down on me talking about feeling a sense of loss. They all regreted what they did.

I’m not talking about scumbags who hang out in bars and pick up one night stands while their wife is at home taking care of the children. These guys were good men who didn’t know how to confront the real issue. Many of them were afraid to bring it up with their wives. One guy who did bring it up was called “immature & selfish” because he wanted some alone time with her. His wife had school activites and kid’s sports scheduled nearly every single night including weekends.

None of these guys were proud of what they did. Every single one of them were lonely. Often times, a wife is overly involved with kids and their activities, relatives, work, friends whatever. The same thing happens to “sports widows”. The guy that spends too much time with his buddies on the weekend is asking for trouble. The man & wife relationship must come first or infidelity (on some level) is almost a guarantee.

No, you’re not a fool. You are angry and rightly so. But please step back from your anger for a few hours today and think about what I’ve written here.

God Bless you and your husband.

Prayers coming at ya!

You know 2 things come to my mind in these situations. 1) Notice it’s mostly the men that are the ones kissing other women (not saying women don’t do it, but it’s most of the time the husband that cheats and I am sorry but it’s a lousy excuse to say they are lonely so they did it). and 2) These guys not only lost their “girlfriend” but they have made it an almost certainty and jepordized losing their ENTIRE families - wives and children. For a kiss? Kiss their children goodbye then they feel they made a mistrake.

My husband may have gone into a strip club (as you can tell from my post below) and if I find out he went inside, I may leave as this is the second time. Kissing is worse - c ya wouldn’t wanna be ya.

 

[Imryl]

Not really, I think its a valid point. Possibly better stated though you get from a marriage what you put in to it. If your a slob (either spouse) and don’t do a blessed thing for your spouse things are going to go south. .

Said much better. lol
TLM–is this what you meant to say? lol

Indeed, much better, and without implying it’s usually the fault of the woman.

 

[TLM08]

Here’s a bandaid TLM.

No, not hypocritical. I think that your view of marriage seems to be conditional, though–just from what you post…the wife does xyz, then the husband will or won’t do xyz…if the husband does this, the wife should do that.

Marriage is not about conditional love. If you believe that it isn’t, then your posts don’t show that, I’m afraid. On the other hand, you show another side to your thoughts on this, but the part that keeps coming up, are the conditions that men should place on women to remain faithful.

Thanks for the band-aid. I’ve taken quite a licking in here lately.


My view on marriage is that it is forever. Marital love is unconditional and also intended to be forever. Sexual compatibility is an entirely different matter. The earlier example of the 300 plus pound wife with untrimmed facial hair is prime. Perhaps she was always this way. Maybe he finds this physically attractive.

Suppose this poor woman weighed 125 lbs when they got married at age thirty… Now 15 years and 83,254 chocolate donuts later he no longer finds her sexually attractive. In fact, he must carefully turn away as she steps out of the shower. Yet as a good man, he sits at the breakfast table with her every morning telling her how lucky he is and how beautiful she is as she dips her fourth piece of buttered toast into the egg yolk. Is he supposed to keep his mouth (and eyes) shut and do his marital duty twice per week?

Or… reverse the situation. Let’s say that your 6’ tall 175 lb blonde haired blue eyed athlete has turned into a 350lb flatulence factory with bad breath sitting on the sofa every night in his skidmarked boxers with a quart of beer and no shirt digging cheetos out of the sofa cushion and watching sports until midnight. Maybe he’s still sweet as pie, but should any woman have to endure the marital embrace under such circumstances?

Just wondering.

 

[Joya]

Just look at those poll results… Women = 41 - 0 ?

There’s no simply way.

I believe the poll results. I voted no but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been tempted. You are on a site frequented by practicing Catholics. When confronted with such temptation, we allow love for our spouse to override our passions for lust. It is not easy, but it is possible.

Having said that, I know people that this has happened to, so it definitely is a reality, even in my sphere. Why do you ask the question in the first place. Are you in need of healing from such an infraction?

 

[baylee]

I’ve never actually answered the original question: Kiss another man passionately? Absolutely not…I can honestly say that I have never even entertained the thought.

 

[whatevergirl]

Thanks for the band-aid. I’ve taken quite a licking in here lately.


My view on marriage is that it is forever. Marital love is unconditional and also intended to be forever. Sexual compatibility is an entirely different matter. The earlier example of the 300 plus pound wife with untrimmed facial hair is prime. Perhaps she was always this way. Maybe he finds this physically attractive.

Suppose this poor woman weighed 125 lbs when they got married at age thirty… Now 15 years and 83,254 chocolate donuts later he no longer finds her sexually attractive. In fact, he must carefully turn away as she steps out of the shower. Yet as a good man, he sits at the breakfast table with her every morning telling her how lucky he is and how beautiful she is as she dips her fourth piece of buttered toast into the egg yolk. Is he supposed to keep his mouth (and eyes) shut and do his marital duty twice per week?

Or… reverse the situation. Let’s say that your 6’ tall 175 lb blonde haired blue eyed athlete has turned into a 350lb flatulence factory with bad breath sitting on the sofa every night in his skidmarked boxers with a quart of beer and no shirt digging cheetos out of the sofa cushion and watching sports until midnight. Maybe he’s still sweet as pie, but should any woman have to endure the marital embrace under such circumstances?

Just wondering.

You were doing so good, you should have stopped at the first paragraph.

If my husband weighed 350…it would not be feasible to ‘endure’ the marital embrace…I’m kind of a small frame, it would literally be crushing. I get your point though!

So, I guess in your eyes, if a woman remains in good physical condition, the marriage will be bliss for the man, then? Or do her values, relationship with God, how she loves her husband, and what type of mother she is, matter at all in the mix? Physical attraction is important…I love that my husband cares about how he looks for me, but I don’t dwell on it. He has gained weight and lost it at different times in our marriage, and it didn’t lessen our intimacy. I gained weight during pregnancy, and it didn’t lessen our intimacy. Now, if we completely let ourselves go…I think there can be this notion that the person doesn’t care…but, I have known a few women who try everything, and just can’t seem to keep their weight down, it’s not because they are lazy or don’t love their husbands. That’s all I’m saying…yes, I think it’s important to wish to stay in shape for one’s health and to look good for our spouses, but not to dwell on it.

You know TLM, someday, your looks will fade…my looks will fade…we will have wrinkles, you might lose your hair…our looks are fleeting, but who we are as people are what will last with us forever.

 

[whatevergirl]

Thanks for the band-aid. I’ve taken quite a licking in here lately.

Self inflicted wounds though, TLM.

 

[Island_Oak]

…Suppose this poor woman weighed 125 lbs when they got married at age thirty… Now 15 years and 83,254 chocolate donuts later he no longer finds her sexually attractive. In fact, he must carefully turn away as she steps out of the shower. Yet as a good man, he sits at the breakfast table with her every morning telling her how lucky he is and how beautiful she is as she dips her fourth piece of buttered toast into the egg yolk. Is he supposed to keep his mouth (and eyes) shut and do his marital duty twice per week?

Or… reverse the situation. Let’s say that your 6’ tall 175 lb blonde haired blue eyed athlete has turned into a 350lb flatulence factory with bad breath sitting on the sofa every night in his skidmarked boxers with a quart of beer and no shirt digging cheetos out of the sofa cushion and watching sports until midnight. Maybe he’s still sweet as pie, but should any woman have to endure the marital embrace under such circumstances?

WHAT a visual image this was!!

There absolutely are attraction factors that relate to physical appearance. It’s undeniable and unavoidable, not to mention the way we all come wired. It’s certainly not THE MOST important element in attraction or in staying power to a marriage, but to deny it IS a factor is pure self-delusion. This is probably more true for the very visually oriented men in our lives, though not all of us women escape either. To me…it’s kind of like the image of heaven: if it’s everything it’s promised to be, it’s worth the HARD work to gain admission; if it’s all fantasy tale, don’t you still live a better, more fulfilling life being properly prepared and disciplined?

 

[whatevergirl]

Good points, Island…I agree. I think that anyone can benefit from staying in shape…it’s just plain old good for us!

That being said, I think what caused some of the confusion with TLM’s comments, is that he ‘seemed’ to imply that this is the main cause of why men stray…kind of too simplistic, is kind of where I was coming from.