Klinefelter's Syndrome and dating

[EnglishTeacher]

Posting this one for a friend . . .

If you are dating a man you suspect has Klinefelter’s syndrome, is there a sensitive, respectful way to broach the subject without embarrassing him or making him feel bad? If he does have it, he very well may not know it, since many men with the syndrome go through life undiagnosed. Men with Klinefelter’s are usually infertile and have low sex drives; so if they are considering marriage, their potential spouse should be informed about the condition. Plus, if he were to be diagnosed by a physician, he could get treatment in the form of testosterone therapy, which could help boost his self-confidence and improve his physical appearance.

(They have been dating for a while now, and apparently he has never mentioned anything about it.)

 

[nodito]

If you are dating a man you suspect has Klinefelter’s syndrome, is there a sensitive, respectful way to broach the subject without embarrassing him or making him feel bad?

I vote ‘no’. I can’t think of any sensitive way to ask a man you are dating whether he has an extra chromosome, especially because you’ll need to reveal the reasons why you might suspect this: “Bill, you lack muscle definition and have extra breast tissue. Could you maybe have this disorder I read about on the internet?” I don’t mean to make light of your friend’s concern, I just don’t see any way she can bring it up. If his appearance bothers her and she can’t get passed it, she should move on and let him find another woman.

 

[Potter]

I vote ‘no’. I can’t think of any sensitive way to ask a man you are dating whether he has an extra chromosome, especially because you’ll need to reveal the reasons why you might suspect this: “Bill, you lack muscle definition and have extra breast tissue. Could you maybe have this disorder I read about on the internet?” I don’t mean to make light of your friend’s concern, I just don’t see any way she can bring it up. If his appearance bothers her and she can’t get passed it, she should move on and let him find another woman.

Well, it’s slightly more serious than that. The male anatomy might be diminished to the point that the marriage can’t be consummated.

 

[Xantippe]

Well, it’s slightly more serious than that. The male anatomy might be diminished to the point that the marriage can’t be consummated.

Eek.

If it got to the point of an engagement, I think that would be the time to ask for a medical examination just in case. At that point, one has a real stake in the question and it’s not out of line.

If there’s no proposal within a year or so for no obvious reason and if the relationship doesn’t seem to be progressing, I think it would be a good idea to move on.

 

[Xantippe]

Also, it wouldn’t be out of line to ask for genetic counseling at the point of engagement. That would probably be less intrusive, but just as informative.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Honestly, I think the whole question is pathetic. If I was that woman, I would simply break up with him if it would bother me that much.

Marriage is for better or for worse. When you love someone and have developed a relationship centered around God, whatever issue comes up after you are married is solved through God’s grace.

I would have been highly offended if any man was so rude as to ask me ‘Are you sure you are fertile. If we marry I can’t stay with you if you can’t have kids’.

This friend seems to be looking for secular reasons to marry.

 

[Cricket2]

I would think you should be very close to that person before ever mentioning this. Then it should be done privately, and with the strong assurance that you mean nothing cruel or unkind by asking. Otherwise, I would not mention this.

 

[Xantippe]

Honestly, I think the whole question is pathetic. If I was that woman, I would simply break up with him if it would bother me that much.

Marriage is for better or for worse. When you love someone and have developed a relationship centered around God, whatever issue comes up after you are married is solved through God’s grace.

I would have been highly offended if any man was so rude as to ask me ‘Are you sure you are fertile. If we marry I can’t stay with you if you can’t have kids’.

This friend seems to be looking for secular reasons to marry.

Eh, did you catch the part where the condition makes consummation potentially impossible?

 

[Anglewannabe]

Eh, did you catch the part where the condition makes consummation potentially impossible?

Yup, and I still believe that if God is at the center of the relationship, His grace will make it work.

If this woman suspects he has it and does not want to marry him because of that, she should just walk away rather then get him tested and then say goodbye if the test is positive. And if the test is negative, and she stays with him, this guy would never be able to fully trust her.

 

[Xantippe]

Yup, and I still believe that if God is at the center of the relationship, His grace will make it work.

If this woman suspects he has it and does not want to marry him because of that, she should just walk away rather then get him tested and then say goodbye if the test is positive. And if the test is negative, and she stays with him, this guy would never be able to fully trust her.

Maybe she just wants a valid, consummated marriage, to have a husband she can enjoy the normal joys of married life with and not to have the embarrassment and inconvenience of an annulment?

 

[Anglewannabe]

Maybe she just wants a valid, consummated marriage, to have a husband she can enjoy the normal joys of married life with and not to have the embarrassment and inconvenience of an annulment?

well, maybe I am a hopeless Catholic romantic who believes knowing you are doing God’s will is more than enough.

After all, the only way a Catholic ever should find out if they can consummate a marriage is to wait until the wedding night.

I suppose this is just one where we will have to agree to disagree

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

After all, the only way a Catholic ever should find out if they can consummate a marriage is to wait until the wedding night.

My goodness, when the day comes that I contemplate marriage to someone special, I sincerely hope someone like you isn’t counseling my future wife to hide these kinds of issues from me before the wedding day. If that ever happened to me, I would consider it fraud on the marriage and seek to have it annulled on that basis.

Note I did not say I want to attempt the consummation before the wedding, no I want to make sure that she is on board with consummation happening that night, and if she has a condition that could interfere, I need to know before the engagement. If that results in me breaking up with her, better that than her breaking my heart after the wedding with her coverup.

For the OP’s friends, it is vital that both parties discuss their health and genetic issues among other things when it’s time to consider engagement.

 

[Anglewannabe]

My goodness, when the day comes that I contemplate marriage to someone special, I sincerely hope someone like you isn’t counseling my future wife to hide these kinds of issues from me before the wedding day. If that ever happened to me, I would consider it fraud on the marriage and seek to have it annulled on that basis.

.

I would encourage your future wife to be upfront and tell you about all the issues she has before the marriage because as you eluded into, it would be dishonest not to.

However, after reading about the syndrome, I have to wonder what on earth would make this woman suspect her boyfriend had it because there are no signs. A wise person ensures they can trust their future spouse. I see two scenarios here

1-) The woman can not trust her boyfriend and therefore the issue is learning to trust or leave

2-) Her suspicion is founded on something unhealthy (because as stated above, the link said there could be no sings) and is not being kind to the man

Unless the OP explains where this concern is coming from, I have to really wonder why anyone would suspect that of a man

There is a difference between someone who knows they have an issue and someone who doesn’t. I am giving the man the benefit of the doubt.

 

[Burt_Macklin]

Put yourself in his place. Is there any way that somebody could ask you if you were intersex without it hurting your feelings? Could somebody say to you, “you know you have a lot of very masculine features, have you had genetic testing to rule out an intersex condition?.”

 

[Burt_Macklin]

Well, it’s slightly more serious than that. The male anatomy might be diminished to the point that the marriage can’t be consummated.

That’s a pretty ruddy obvious symptom. I believe that such a condition would be pretty well impossible for any man to be oblivious to.

 

[nodito]

Well, it’s slightly more serious than that. The male anatomy might be diminished to the point that the marriage can’t be consummated.

In which case, the man would know already and the woman would not need to bring it to his attention. If he attempts marriage without revealing this medfical condition and is unabl to consummate the marriage, it would be invalid.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

I vote ‘no’. I can’t think of any sensitive way to ask a man you are dating whether he has an extra chromosome, especially because you’ll need to reveal the reasons why you might suspect this: “Bill, you lack muscle definition and have extra breast tissue. Could you maybe have this disorder I read about on the internet?”

Yeah, that’s pretty much what I said. There’s just no good way to bring it up without crushing his ego.

I don’t mean to make light of your friend’s concern, I just don’t see any way she can bring it up. If his appearance bothers her and she can’t get passed it, she should move on and let him find another woman.

I don’t think it’s his appearance so much; it’s the possible issues that it can cause within marriage. My thought was that surely he would know if he had issues of that kind . . . but maybe not, as the articles on Klinefelter’s all said that many men are completely unaware that they have the syndrome.

 

[nodito]

I don’t think it’s his appearance so much; it’s the possible issues that it can cause within marriage. My thought was that surely he would know if he had issues of that kind . . . but maybe not, as the articles on Klinefelter’s all said that many men are completely unaware that they have the syndrome.

Even if he discovers he has this disorder, it doesn’t necessarily mean he is infertile. And it should be clear to both of them beforehand whether sexual drive will be a problem, even without having sex.

My take is that all couples getting married accept some risk that they may not be able to have biological children. If this couple does get married and experiences difficulty getting pregnant, I think that would be the appropriate time to get tests and talk treatment options.

The closest I think you could get to discussing this before marriage is asking whether he plans to have children and if he knows of any reason why he might not be able to.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Well, it’s slightly more serious than that. The male anatomy might be diminished to the point that the marriage can’t be consummated.

The man may know but how on earth would the woman know if she is waiting until marriage. I am still very baffled as to why this woman would suspect it in the first place

 

[pensmama87]

The man may know but how on earth would the woman know if she is waiting until marriage. I am still very baffled as to why this woman would suspect it in the first place

I’m personally of the opinion that intimacy should be discussed frankly between engaged couples rather than just expecting everything to work out that first time. It’s possible to do this without it being an occasion of sin. I agree that it’s probably not something the bride would think to ask about specifically, unless she works with people who have the condition herself or knows people who do (maybe if she works in medicine?), but it could still come up in such a discussion.