Lack of communication in marriage

[Catholic_Wife]

Communication is non-existent in my marriage, as has been since Day 1. My husband is an introvert and is happy to spend much of his time on his own, but this leaves me feeling lonely.

In the beginning of our marriage the loneliness was unbearable. He didn’t want to talk about our fertility problems and refused to get tested (using Church-approved methods). The fact that he didn’t want to do anything to help get pregnant left me wondering if he had lied to me during marriage prep about wanting children. After a couple of years, I decided I was tired of being lonely and told him I wanted to leave. He insisted that we go to Retrouvaille. Things were better for a couple of months after that weekend, but we didn’t even finish the workbook because it was just too much effort for him to communicate with me every day. I won’t leave because he has given me no reason to fear for my safety (abuse, addiction, adultery), but here we are 6.5 years into marriage with no kids and no intimate life for more than 2 years. We sleep in separate bedrooms because he doesn’t seem to care that our cats wake me up when they are allowed in the bedroom, so I don’t get enough sleep, and that running the fan dries out my sinuses and makes me sick. It’s like I have a roommate instead of a husband.

And I’m frustrated with him, especially when it comes to home renovation because he procrastinates. We bought a home 4 years ago that needed a lot of renovations. We worked well together for 6 months, but then all of our hard work was destroyed by flooding inside the house. Here we are 3 years later with no flooring in two of our bedrooms (so we have no guest bedroom, so nobody can come visit; the workout room he promised me is not finished so I’m still spending money on a monthly gym membership), one of our bathrooms doesn’t have a sink, and the outside of the house looks terrible. (Did I mention he also procrastinates?) I cannot get him to understand how much anxiety having the house unfinished and cluttered causes me. I cannot get him to realize that I am so embarrassed about how our home looks that I am uncomfortable having people over. He doesn’t want me to do the smaller projects (that I can do myself) that would help us declutter our home because he wants to be involved with everything done in the house, yet he procrastinates and finds reasons to not do the work.
http://christsgarden.com/forums/images/smilies/thsmiley_sigh.gif

What can I do? He won’t sit down to talk to me. He refuses to go to counseling, because he’s not the one with the problem (I’m the one with anxiety). He won’t talk to the deacon or the priest at our parish. He won’t talk to his parents. He won’t talk to my parents. He doesn’t have any friends to talk to about this.

If no suggestions, please at least pray. I’ve been praying about this for years and I’m getting tired.

 

[Debora123]

Wow, sounds like he refuses to do anything at all for you. Marriage should be about sacrifice and compromise. Sounds like he just doesn’t even care.

I am so sorry for you, and I will pray for you.

My only suggestion is that you start looking into moving out or something. Perhaps that will prompt him to put the slightest amount of effort into the relationship… or at least care. It really doesn’t sound like he even loves you or cares.

 

[einna]

Wow, I feel like you were describing my life in your post; however, my husband was very open and we communicated very well about everything when we first got married. Then after we had children he started to feel like my issues of anxiety, ones very well known by those around us, became humiliating to him, and every time a snobby parent didn’t want to be our friend he blamed me. Now he has completely shut down. We do nothing together and nothing as a family as I am not going to lie to my children about there lives.

I know your pain and unfortunately the only thing you can do is save yourself before you get lost in unhappiness. I have been married 18 years and feel so little about myself and am so isolated now, I am not sure I could get through a divorce on my own; although I think we would both be better off. You have a chance to go out and find someone who loves you and sees all the good in you without having children involved.

I will pray God gives you the strength and self worth to take the very best care of YOU.

 

[Armor_of_Light]

That sounds an awful lot like depression.
Will he see a doctor?
Is he into porn?
Was he like this when you were dating?
How have you changed since dating?

 

[The_Bucket]

That sounds an awful lot like depression.
Will he see a doctor?
Is he into porn?
Was he like this when you were dating?
How have you changed since dating?

This. And I’d heavily suspect depression here. Speaking as an addict, my anxiety was through the freaking roof all the time. Most other addicts I know were as well. Sometimes it was to escape depression but generally addicts are incredibly high-strung (unless they’re zoned out on the drug of choice be it actual drugs, booze or stuff like porn).

So it doesn’t sound like an addiction. It sounds like depression. And I don’t know how much you two need to work on communication as much as he needs to work on, you know, living. He won’t be able to communicate and work with you if he’s not healthy.

 

[Catholic_Wife]

That sounds an awful lot like depression.
Will he see a doctor?

Nope, he won’t even go to the doctor for his knee that’s been hurting for almost a year. Honestly, it doesn’t look like depression to me. Maybe anxiety and a few other issues, but not depression.

Is he into porn?

I doubt it, especially since he rarely uses the computer, and when he does he looks at sports stuff (uniforms, stadiums, etc.).

Was he like this when you were dating?

Not really. He always said he’s not a big talker, but we talked all the time while we were dating. I guess once we got married and started living together, he decided he didn’t need to talk to me anymore.

How have you changed since dating?

I started “shutting down” because I’m tired of feeling like the one who always makes the effort. Yes, I’ve told him this, but he doesn’t seem to hear what or understand I’m saying.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

I’m sorry you’re in this situation.

You need off-line counseling with a qualified Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT). If your husband refuses to go, go alone. If you feel like you would be best served by a Catholic/Catholic-friendly therapist, contact your parish or diocese for a list of such practices in your area.

The bottom line, though, is that the help you need is way beyond what anyone can offer on an anonymous Internet forum.

 

[Armor_of_Light]

Thank you for answering honestly and promptly!

Nope, he won’t even go to the doctor for his knee that’s been hurting for almost a year. Honestly, it doesn’t look like depression to me. Maybe anxiety and a few other issues, but not depression.

Depression hits men and manifests in different ways. Your description sounds alot like my life as it was years ago.
All my behaviors were symptoms. Once I addressed the root causes…the symptoms disappeared. Unfortuneately…the more people need help, the less they want it.

I doubt it, especially since he rarely uses the computer, and when he does he looks at sports stuff (uniforms, stadiums, etc.).

Well, thats good! Count your blessings on that one…

Not really. He always said he’s not a big talker, but we talked all the time while we were dating. I guess once we got married and started living together, he decided he didn’t need to talk to me anymore.

Without kids there still should be enough to talk about. When my wife & I go out together without the kids…it is kind of hard to find discussion points though. I already know how shw thinks & feels about most things as she does with me. But…we always find something to talk about!

Please don’t assume that he does not ‘need’ to talk to you. That statement smacks of ‘woe-is-me’ thinking and for sure will exacerbate the problem. I hope that was charitable enough…I mean no disrespect.

I started “shutting down” because I’m tired of feeling like the one who always makes the effort. Yes, I’ve told him this, but he doesn’t seem to hear what or understand I’m saying.

This indicates a viscious cycle has developed. Does he have any support system or friendship that he does communicate with? You go to mass together?

 

[bitznbitez]

You feel alone, hurt, rejected. Next time you go to church look up at the cross. So did He. He opened not his mouth.

Mediate and pray.

 

[ProdglArchitect]

You feel alone, hurt, rejected. Next time you go to church look up at the cross. So did He. He opened not his mouth.

Mediate and pray.

Not to start an argument or anything, but that came off as incredibly rude. It basically sounds like you were telling her to shut up. I know this wasn’t your intent, but I just wanted to take a second to clarify that, since that’s how it came off.

 

[einna]

Not to start an argument or anything, but that came off as incredibly rude. It basically sounds like you were telling her to shut up. I know this wasn’t your intent, but I just wanted to take a second to clarify that, since that’s how it came off.

I agree. If she does look to the cross, she needs to she all the possibilities God can offer her, like her leaving this one side marriage to find friends, support, maybe a loving husband. I am not saying she should leave and yes she should find a good counselor that can guide her, but it time she focus on herself. I have lived in this kind of situation and some times they just don’t care enough about the relationship to work on it. Depression may have nothing to do with it, he may just be a very selfish person.

 

[ValPal]

From my POV, it sounds like depression. It doesn’t help that he’s an introvert; it’s just makes it that much more difficult to snap out of.

The only way a relationship can work is if both couples participate. From what you’ve posted, he’s obviously not interested at this point in participating. It’s difficult to give advice because the personalities of the parties involved are essential to solving the problem. However, counseling is definitely in order, and if I were you I’d insist on it…even if it means getting a few of your friends together to help toss him in the car and drive him to the therapist. I can’t see it working out any other way.

 

[TomFromMD]

He refuses to go to counseling, because he’s not the one with the problem (I’m the one with anxiety).

In a sense, he’s right. You have anxiety, you feel unloved. He’s apparently happy, so from his point of view, there’s no problem.

One thing that can help in situations like this is to frame it not as his problem, but as yours, and ask for his help in solving it. Often times, that’s more effective, as anything else is seen as an attack.

You have the problem that not talking makes you feel unloved and depressed. You have the problem that having the floors unfinished makes you feel embarressed. You have the problem that having the cats in the room keeps you from sleeping.

I’d pick one, and it sounds like the first is the most pressing. Explain that you have a problem, and ask for his help. Give him something concrete that he can do that would help you to feel better. What would it be for you? Going for a walk, holding hands, and talking? Going out for dinner? Sitting on the porch together for 15 minutes? Do a chapter in the Retroville book (maybe with a glass of wine or a beer?) And after that, thank him, tell it that it was important to you. And the next day, do something special you know makes him feel loved. What would that be?

 

[Irishmom2]

In a sense, he’s right. You have anxiety, you feel unloved. He’s apparently happy, so from his point of view, there’s no problem.

One thing that can help in situations like this is to frame it not as his problem, but as yours, and ask for his help in solving it. Often times, that’s more effective, as anything else is seen as an attack.

You have the problem that not talking makes you feel unloved and depressed. You have the problem that having the floors unfinished makes you feel embarressed. You have the problem that having the cats in the room keeps you from sleeping.

I’d pick one, and it sounds like the first is the most pressing. Explain that you have a problem, and ask for his help. Give him something concrete that he can do that would help you to feel better. What would it be for you? Going for a walk, holding hands, and talking? Going out for dinner? Sitting on the porch together for 15 minutes? Do a chapter in the Retroville book (maybe with a glass of wine or a beer?) And after that, thank him, tell it that it was important to you. And the next day, do something special you know makes him feel loved. What would that be?

Excellent post.

First of all, I do not agree with anyone that tells you that your husband doesn’t love you. They have no way of knowing that. Circumstance in life (yes, such as depression) can make people behave in ways that a person wouldn’t normally behave.

You cannot change your husband, you can only change yourself or the way you look at things. Do things that make you feel confident and good about yourself. I would do those small jobs that you said you can handle on your own. I wouldn’t wait around for your husband to do it, or for his “permission” to do it. Don’t complain about his not doing them, just say “look, we can cross that off the list.” Maybe seeing you do something will inspire him to do some things too.

It is difficult when one spouse is “quiet.” But only you can know if he is being passive-aggressive in his silence, or as TomFromMD suggested, your husband simply doesn’t see his behavior as being a problem, that’s just how he is. Of course, it is a problem for you though. If he won’t talk, perhaps you can write him a long letter explaining your feelings which he can read and not feel he has to answer to immediately.

Have you gotten help for your anxiety issues? Have you thought about adoption?
May God bless you and guide you.

 

[PaulinVA]

IOne thing that can help in situations like this is to frame it not as his problem, but as yours, and ask for his help in solving it. Often times, that’s more effective, as anything else is seen as an attack.

You have the problem that not talking makes you feel unloved and depressed.** You** have the problem that having the floors unfinished makes you feel embarressed. You have the problem that having the cats in the room keeps you from sleeping.

I totally disagree. Absolutely.

There is no reason for her to take on the responsibility for the failure of the marriage.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Thank you for sharing your story, please be assured of my prayers.

For now: put your concerns about sinks in the bathroom and unfinished remodeling projects on the “back burner.” Clearly you are upset by it but one thing at a time…

You and your husband have separate bedrooms and have not been sexually intimate in two years, this is an extreme crisis for a marriage. Please see a priest immediately. If your local parish priest cannot help you please call your local diocese for help. This is much more then him being an introvert and not wanting to talk, it’s as if he wants nothing to do with you, not even lovemaking. This is extremely sad please seek help immediately. For now please tell him that you love him and you want to be a better wife and encourage him where you can, if you can. At least a first step in a positive direction. God bless you.

This. You have a marriage on fire, so to speak - don’t worry about the remodeling of your physical house when the “house” of your marriage is burning down. If he is refusing intimacy because he doesn’t want to have children, you can waste your fertile years and never have children! This is WRONG! And too sad to be believed. People will say, “You shouldn’t leave your marriage,” but what can you do if your spouse doesn’t care to change things so that counseling is a dead end…

I will add you to my prayers. Please don’t let this go on and on.

 

[Catholic_Wife]

In a sense, he’s right. You have anxiety, you feel unloved. He’s apparently happy, so from his point of view, there’s no problem.

It IS is problem as well. He knew going into this marriage that I have an anxiety disorder. Yes, I have been through therapy. Yes, I am on medication. I watch my diet and I exercise to decrease the symptoms, and I meditate and do deep breathing exercises to help control my anxiety. However, he has acknowledged understanding that certain things increase my anxiety - like him not talking to me or all the house being cluttered because he procrastinates in working on the house. I know that he loves me, but I feel lonely in our marriage.

You have the problem that not talking makes you feel unloved and depressed. You have the problem that having the floors unfinished makes you feel embarressed. You have the problem that having the cats in the room keeps you from sleeping.

I’d pick one, and it sounds like the first is the most pressing. Explain that you have a problem, and ask for his help. Give him something concrete that he can do that would help you to feel better.

Going for a walk isn’t going to get our house renovated. Holding hands and talking isn’t going to stop the cats from pouncing on me in the middle of the night and waking me up. I have discussed each issue I presented here (and lots of others) one at a time. One problem is that he doesn’t like to be pulled away from the TV. I even ask if we can talk after the program he’s watching, but then he gets wrapped up in another. I don’t fight it any longer. I don’t get mad or screech like some women do. I simply walk away and surf the Net just to have him come to me and complain that I’m always on the computer.


Since he would not agree to keep the cats out of the bedroom, I chose to sleep in another room. I’m sorry, but as a paramedic, I have to make some pretty tough decisions at work, and I do that best if I have enough sleep. Also, I’m sure you’re aware that lack of sleep and poor sleep hygiene can increase anxiety in a person. I’m trying to take care of myself. Can you understand how it would make me feel that he would rather sleep with the cats than with his own wife???

Since he procrastinates at renovating our home, I cannot have friends come over, so I go out with my friends. Having friends and family come stay with us causes me a great deal of anxiety, so we have not had any visitors to our home since we’ve moved in. Can you understand how socially isolating this can be? Can you understand how disheartening it is not to be able to even walk through three rooms in your house, or your garage, because they are so jammed packed with “stuff” that he refuses to weed through?

I would do

those small jobs that you said you can handle on your own. I wouldn’t wait around for your husband to do it, or for his “permission” to do it. Don’t complain about his not doing them, just say “look, we can cross that off the list.” Maybe seeing you do something will inspire him to do some things too.
I’ve done this in the past and have had to listen to him complain that we didn’t do those things together. It doesn’t “inspire” him, it makes him mad because he feels like he’s missing out on something (his words, not mine).

Have you thought about adoption?

He won’t even consider it. Private adoption is not within our means, and going through our state’s child services would mean home inspections - which our home would never pass. I think God knew what He was doing when he made us unable to have children, because I would really hate to bring a child into this marriage the way it is.

 

[peacoat]

I have a few things to mention.

You say your unfinished house is giving you sever anxiety. Assuming that you work a normal 40 hour work week, as with him, why aren’t you fixing the floors? You’re a parametric, so I assume you’re physically capable. Home Depo or Lowe’s may have DIY plans. If he gets upset saying he was going to do it, don’t engage in an argument, just invite him to join you. If complains ignore him. Tell him your next project is X on page 52 and he can work on that.

(And this may allow you to pass a home inspection for adoption)

You can also get fertility testing on your own. If there is a problem with your system, maybe it can be helped.

You should also really just put your foot down about some things. Can you grab the cats and put them downstairs or in the bathroom with their litterbox? (And out of earshot) Can you train them with a squirt bottle or tape even if it causes a couple sleepless nights? Cats can be trained. Moving out of the room is passive aggressive. To him, the cats don’t affect his sleep and he may feel you’re making him choose (as if you are jealous). I’m not saying you are, but he may be perceiving it that way.

You should also seek professional help about the not going to the DR. he needs to check out his knee. No wonder he hasn’t wanted to renovate!! He’s in pain. You may need a psycologist to help you speak to him about seeing a Dr. Ditto on the intimacy…though that may be related to not sleeping in the same bed.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

I totally disagree. Absolutely.

There is no reason for her to take on the responsibility for the failure of the marriage.

The way I read Tom’s post is that he’s suggesting that the OP frame issues are “I statements.” I can’t get a good night’s sleep with the cats in the room. What can we do about this? vs. You want the cats here when you know they wake me up all night. The other person is less likely to feel attacked if problems are framed as “I” needing something vs. “you” are doing something.

I don’t think communicating in I statements means the OP is accepting all the fault in the marriage. It a way of communicating non-confrontationally.

And I reiterate that the OP would be serving herself and her marriage best if she received professional, face-to-face counseling on all of this instead of hashing this stuff out with Internet strangers.

 

[Catholic_Wife]

I have a few things to mention.

You say your unfinished house is giving you sever anxiety. Assuming that you work a normal 40 hour work week, as with him, why aren’t you fixing the floors? You’re a parametric, so I assume you’re physically capable. Home Depo or Lowe’s may have DIY plans. If he gets upset saying he was going to do it, don’t engage in an argument, just invite him to join you. If complains ignore him. Tell him your next project is X on page 52 and he can work on that.

I’m not allowed to use his precious power tools. He would have a major conniption fit if I did.

You can also get fertility testing on your own. If there is a problem with your system, maybe it can be helped.

I did. I checked out fine.

You should also really just put your foot down about some things.

Then he would say, as he has in the past, “you’re just like your mother,” which is a really sore subject in our home.

Can you grab the cats and put them downstairs or in the bathroom with their litterbox? (And out of earshot) Can you train them with a squirt bottle or tape even if it causes a couple sleepless nights? Cats can be trained. Moving out of the room is passive aggressive. To him, the cats don’t affect his sleep and he may feel you’re making him choose (as if you are jealous). I’m not saying you are, but he may be perceiving it that way.

We have five cats, two of whom do not get along very well, so locking them in a bathroom (or even a bedroom) would border on cruel. I tried closing the door to keep them out, but he complained that he misses his “babies” sleeping with him. I didn’t care about the nights when I didn’t have to work the next day, but it got to be a hassle to sleep in one room one night (so I could sleep before work) and another room the next.

You should also seek professional help about the not going to the DR. he needs to check out his knee. No wonder he hasn’t wanted to renovate!! He’s in pain. You may need a psycologist to help you speak to him about seeing a Dr. Ditto on the intimacy…though that may be related to not sleeping in the same bed.

I even called to make the dr appointment for him on a day he confirmed he had no plans and did not have to work. He couldn’t be bothered to go. He’s not in that much pain, he just procrastinates. He was this way before he hurt his knee earlier this year.