Ladies Only: Top 10 Most Important Qualities In Choosing a Husband

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Nelka said:
What if a man said this?

:hmmm:
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Well, it would be embarrassing, but if he did not like kissing me it probably means that we are not a good fit for marriage as the OP is asking about here. However, there are some women and men who do not like to kiss at all and again, it’s probably better to separate when you pair a kisser and a non-kisser in a relationship.

The previous poster who shows what a bad kisser to women does reminded me of the movie, “Bandits”, where Kate shared how her husbands bad kiss made her pop her jaw permanently altering her facial movements.

So again, I will state the kissing capability of both is a qualifier for both to enjoy before a marriage is made.
 
Giggly_Giraffe said:
Well, it would be embarrassing, but if he did not like kissing me it probably means that we are not a good fit for marriage as the OP is asking about here. However, there are some en and men who do not like to kiss at all and again, it’s probably better to separate when you pair a kisser and a non-kisser in a relationship.
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Right.

This is a compatibility issue, not a huge moral failing.
 
Gertabelle said:
:rotfl:

I agree but would never have said it myself 😊

:rotfl:
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Is it because if we admit I then we look like “that girl” and probably will turn the men’s sense of reason off and that’s all he hears … KISSES… Kisses … Kisses … There by blanking out every thing else we women hold dear on our lists? I guess this is my fear when stating kissing is so important in picking a husband. But wait, I’m already married … So if my husband finds out he will just kiss me more … I’m okay with that.🙂
 
Nelka said:
What if a man said this?

:hmmm:
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Man or woman, it would depend what they mean by that. If they mean inexperienced or some accident of physical build, I’d advise looking past it. If they meant someone who seems either unaffectionate, affectionate in ways that turn you off, or insensitive, then that is what I meant by mutual affection. Chemistry does carry some of the burden in a typical marriage, making heavy work seem light. If your affection would make you satisfied to live in a house that your spouse loves and you don’t like much, that is a big deal.
 
Giggly_Giraffe said:
Is it because if we admit I then we look like “that girl” and probably will turn the men’s sense of reason off and that’s all he hears … KISSES… Kisses … Kisses … There by blanking out every thing else we women hold dear on our lists? I guess this is my fear when stating kissing is so important in picking a husband. But wait, I’m already married … So if my husband finds out he will just kiss me more … I’m okay with that.🙂
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The guy who really thinks a woman won’t care about his other faults if the physical stuff is good enough? He hasn’t grown up yet. When he grows up, he’ll have more generosity of heart than that. When he is grown up, he’ll want to be more and give more than that. Throw him back into the pond, let him be caught later in life.
 
Unmarried people shouldn’t be making out anyway, so…

Maybe communication about what the other likes/does not like regarding kissing would help if someone married a “bad kisser”.

I wonder how many people extend that rationale to sex (compatible/incompatible)…
 
12345678 said:
Unmarried people shouldn’t be making out anyway, so…

Maybe communication about what the other likes/does not like regarding kissing would help if someone married a “bad kisser”.
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Unmarried people shouldn’t kiss?

Really?

We’ve had a thread on this before, and I’d really like to see a show of hands from all the CAFers that are happily married and never kissed their spouses before marriage. There are lots of happily married CAFers, but I suspect very, very few saved kissing for marriage.

I know for a fact that kissing is a really good way to gauge physical chemistry without sinning.
 
  • Shares my most important beliefs.
  • Passionate.
  • Mature.
  • Hard working.
  • Honest.
  • Mutual love.
  • Mutual attraction.
  • Respectful.
  • Intelligent.
  • Devoted.
 
Xantippe said:
Unmarried people shouldn’t kiss?

Really?

We’ve had a thread on this before, and I’d really like to see a show of hands from all the CAFers that are happily married and never kissed their spouses before marriage. There are lots of happily married CAFers, but I suspect very, very few saved kissing for marriage.

I know for a fact that kissing is a really good way to gauge physical chemistry without sinning.
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I didn’t say no kisses at all, just not making out (French kissing).

Hey, even a quick search in the ask an apologist explains it (there are more similar responses if you wanted to read them)
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=37374
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?p=12242721

BTW, a show of hands doesn’t do much… I’d like a show of hands of people that are happily married and have never had a sin against chastity… A happy marriage does not mean people were perfect… (BTW, I’m really not asking for a show of hands)
 
One quality I had on my list that was very important is a man who doesn’t let me get away with my bad behavior (I would use a different word which is not allowed on CAF). My husband is not afraid to stand up to me when I behave badly, and I do the same when he behaves badly. I am a much better person today because of this.
 
This thread has taken a strange turn since I looked at it last! 🙂

Getting back to the topic, I’d be very interested in seeing how the women’s responses match up to what men think are the most important qualities as a husband. I’d be willing to bet there are some key differences.

It would also be interesting to do the opposite survey – men’s views of the most important qualities in choosing a wife.
 
mafh said:
In no particular order:
  1. Loyal/faithful
  2. Sense of humor
  3. Lives within means/manages money well
  4. Loves you
  5. Level-headed and emotionally healthy
  6. Shares your values/religion/life philosophy
  7. Is able to grow/change/adapt
  8. You are attracted to him
  9. You like and get along with his family
  10. Respects you and treats you as an equal
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I agree with this list except for #9…I don’t think it’s necessary to like and get along with his family. As long as all those other numbers are in place, if he has a toxic family he will put his wife first. DH and I have been happily married for 41 years. I am pleasant to, pray for, and tolerate his family on the few occasions each year when I must see them…but there is not a close relationship, and DH totally understands—he feels the same way!
 
Everyone has already voiced my sentiments when it comes to important qualities.

I think the list changes and ages with the particular woman, depending on what stage of life she was at.

My so-called “list” at 18 was radically different from the list I had when I met my husband at 24.
By the age of 24 I was living on my own and holding down a full time job with actual adult responsibilities.
Physical attractiveness dropped down the list substantially in comparison to responsibility, maturity and compatibility.

At 18 years old I was over the moon when this really good-looking guy I had a massive crush on asked me out on a date. We went out and it didn’t work out.
He was older, had a job and was more experienced with girls and life in general…it seemed.

At 18, I was able to overlook the fact that he had a couple of DUIs, liked to party a little too hard and was terrible with money.
At 24, I would have turned down that date.

Things that made me attracted to my husband?
-He was in the military and a devote Christian (not Catholic…yet!) and had just come back from a tour in Iraq. For me, this demonstrated his general character.
-He was fantastic with finances.
-He didn’t have a degree at the time but he was very smart.
-He was respectful and mature for his age.
-Weirdly enough, the fact that he was engaged before he met me…but the two of them broke it off…told me he was serious about his relationships. He had only one girlfriend prior to me and had been with her for several years. She wasn’t ready to get married and broke it off.
-He was and is trustworthy.
-He wanted to be a parent and was excited about having kids.
-I’ll throw it in here…he was a GREAT kisser. 👍

One can learn an awful lot about a person just by the way they kiss.
French kissing too.
I’ve kissed my fair share of young men (I dated a lot in my early twenties). The best kissers made me want to go out with them again.
A poor kisser made me second guess my intentions and the attraction level went down.
If he is gentle but still takes the lead and it doesn’t feel awkward or strained…it demonstrates confidence but also shows how much he cares and respects her.

BTW there is absolutely nothing wrong or sinful about a couple who French kisses before marriage…it’s perfectly fine and isn’t a sign of broken chastity or an indication that a couple will struggle with chastity. I think that is dated and unrealistic to expect from a couple who is seriously considering marriage.
Intimacy can and should be developed before a marriage begins.
 
Pax2u said:
I agree with this list except for #9…I don’t think it’s necessary to like and get along with his family. As long as all those other numbers are in place, if he has a toxic family he will put his wife first. DH and I have been happily married for 41 years. I am pleasant to, pray for, and tolerate his family on the few occasions each year when I must see them…but there is not a close relationship, and DH totally understands—he feels the same way!
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Second this.

My husband is absolutely wonderful…his family? Not so much.
Knowing what I know now…I’m totally shocked that both he, his half sister and brother are so stable. They are all married, have children and are responsible and mature adults who can hold down jobs and take care of their families.
His parents have never demonstrated the level of stability that their children have.
I have a hard time giving his parents the respect they probably deserve.
They still act like children and have a lot of difficult handling basic adult responsibilities…even in their 60s.
I can tolerate them and have them over to see their grandchildren…but that doesn’t mean I have to get along with them.
They aren’t an integral part of our lives.

I married my husband knowing that we would cleave to each other…forming our own lives and wouldn’t be depending on our parents for anything.
Therefore…it was not entirely important that I get along with them.
 
Being a Catholic man need not equal being a milquetoasty no-chinned weakling who’s afraid to give a woman a red blooded kiss for fear of sinning.

And for the record I will ignore any “theology” which tells me I can’t kiss passionately before marriage. We sure did, and today’s our wedding anniversary!

Women like a man who has some red blood to him.

So there!
 
Kelfa28 said:
Everyone has already voiced my sentiments when it comes to important qualities.

I think the list changes and ages with the particular woman, depending on what stage of life she was at.

My so-called “list” at 18 was radically different from the list I had when I met my husband at 24.
By the age of 24 I was living on my own and holding down a full time job with actual adult responsibilities.
Physical attractiveness dropped down the list substantially in comparison to responsibility, maturity and compatibility.

At 18 years old I was over the moon when this really good-looking guy I had a massive crush on asked me out on a date. We went out and it didn’t work out.
He was older, had a job and was more experienced with girls and life in general…it seemed.

At 18, I was able to overlook the fact that he had a couple of DUIs, liked to party a little too hard and was terrible with money.
At 24, I would have turned down that date.

Things that made me attracted to my husband?
-He was in the military and a devote Christian (not Catholic…yet!) and had just come back from a tour in Iraq. For me, this demonstrated his general character.
-He was fantastic with finances.
-He didn’t have a degree at the time but he was very smart.
-He was respectful and mature for his age.
-Weirdly enough, the fact that he was engaged before he met me…but the two of them broke it off…told me he was serious about his relationships. He had only one girlfriend prior to me and had been with her for several years. She wasn’t ready to get married and broke it off.
-He was and is trustworthy.
-He wanted to be a parent and was excited about having kids.
-I’ll throw it in here…he was a GREAT kisser. 👍

One can learn an awful lot about a person just by the way they kiss.
French kissing too.
I’ve kissed my fair share of young men (I dated a lot in my early twenties). The best kissers made me want to go out with them again.
A poor kisser made me second guess my intentions and the attraction level went down.
If he is gentle but still takes the lead and it doesn’t feel awkward or strained…it demonstrates confidence but also shows how much he cares and respects her.

BTW there is absolutely nothing wrong or sinful about a couple who French kisses before marriage…it’s perfectly fine and isn’t a sign of broken chastity or an indication that a couple will struggle with chastity. I think that is dated and unrealistic to expect from a couple who is seriously considering marriage.
Intimacy can and should be developed before a marriage begins.
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Yes to pretty much everything.

I don’t even think that “no French kissing” is a dated expectation–I think it’s actually a novelty, largely inspired by cross-pollinization with legalistic Protestantism. It is possible to be good at chastity and French kiss. In fact, many women find overdoing French kissing a huge turnoff, so it’s really not that arousing.

I’m sure I’m forgetting something important, but here’s a list:

–reasonably good hygiene (you would not believe how many people gross out significant others with poor basic hygiene) and reasonably neat dress
–fidelity
–a willingness to learn new things
–some hobbies and interests (ideally some of them can be shared with other members of the family)
–the ability to be a friend
–affection
–chemistry
–some basic domestic skills…and a willingness to learn more
–financial responsibility
–generosity, both in and out of the home
–willingness to put others first at least some of the time
–willingness to do what is necessary for the good of the family
–willingness to learn to disagree politely and respectfully

I think that is largely a gender-neutral list. The only one that is very guy-specific is the initial one about hygiene–bad basic hygiene is surprisingly common among married men.
 
I tend to look more at what women do than what they say, but I will say those who like the good kissers and include this along with the usual comfort traits are on to something.
 
In no particular order:
  1. Spiritual leader
  2. Faithful
  3. Honest
  4. Loves to play with kids
  5. Adventurous
  6. Spends more time with family than the computer
  7. Takes me seriously
  8. empathic
  9. Listens
  10. Reliable
 
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