Ladies who are 35+ and single or married after 35: when did you grieve and accept childlessness?

[Convert_in_99]

There is adoption.

True, but it isn’t right for everyone. In our case it didn’t work at all. It’s a great thing, just the fact needs to be made known that the process is so much harder and more expensive than most people make it out to be.

 

[Convert_in_99]

Also this could be a great time to get some basic fertility testing for yourself. I wish I knew I was so physically messed up beforehand. So I wouldn’t have gotten my hopes up so much. Just an idea. You don’t need to be married to get fertility testing. And you might be able to get some of the treatments done beforehand.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

I am 35 and just now getting married in a couple of months.

I don’t grieve, because I am healthy and there is no reason that I know of why we shouldn’t be able to have a few children, God willing. Unless there are other factors involved, 35 is still plenty young enough to have children and too early to begin grieving.

I have always wanted children, though, and would be crushed if we were unable to have any. I do deeply sympathize with those who desire children and cannot, and I can only imagine how difficult it would be to accept that one would not be able to become a mother after all.

 

[Luvz2travel]

Well I mourned at 38 and it took a few years for me to really accept it. Now most of the time I’m fine but there’s still those moments of deep regret. I put it down to being female and part the natural desire of my gender to want to nurture and raise little ones of my own and pass on my knowledge. At 45 though I understand this will not happen. I thought of adopting and even bought a house with that intention. It turned out to be a bad decision and I was left in financial ruin which I’m still dealing with. So I’m like ok GOD I accept your will for me not to be a parent. What else can I do. You take what happiness you can from life and move on. It will always bother you from time to time but that’s life I guess.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I chose 35-ish (it really should be anything over 30— thank you, UpUpAndAway) because if a woman is single-single (110% single-- not “just married”…not engaged…not dating…not “you should meet this guy”…not “trying for a baby already”) by her early thirties, it is very unlikely (not impossible…but very unlikely) that things will suddenly magic together in time for her to have that first baby by 35 or even 40.

I’m not just writing this in order to make you feel better, but I honestly know several women who met their husbands after 35, married (usually not long after) and then had kids. One of them is now 42 and 2 days ago gave birth to her 3rd child.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I am 45 single never married and no kids. And here is my story

I feel like I am very different than other women. I have a ‘reverse maternity clock’. When I was 5 years old, all I wanted was to marry and have 20 + children. I loved kids and would always gravitate towards them. I was never one to find younger children a pesky annoyance but rather a very refreshing cuteness.

I never really had a real boyfriend until my 30s. Before that it was more like a guy a dated for a month or two. When I was in my early 20’s, never having had a boyfriend I worried SO MUCH about being an old maid. My dad use to tell me to quit wasting time worrying. I didn’t understand what he meant until I was 40.

When I was around 35 I realized that even if I do marry the chances of having a large family (which by that time was down to 6 kid as oppose to 20) was slim and I probably would be lucky to have 3 I gave up on the notion. I have a good acceptance of my state in life. Although I do dream of meeting a man but that is mainly because I think it would be nice to have someone to do the handyman jobs around my home

The older I got, the less my maternity clock ticked. Partly because I have babysat enough of other people’s kids to appreciate the headache caring for kids can be. But also because I see it is not a bed of roses. The though of putting myself through a pregnancy was always scary and undesirable. I think of the morning sickness and the sleepless nights pregnant women o through and my heart bleeds for them. I think of the women who have to wake up 1 hour early to get their kids to day care, work all day and come home to having only a couple of hours to spend with their kids before putting them to bed. Mom’s have to give up their hobbies such as going to the gym and I wonder if I could be happy with that lifestyle.

And once Catholics have a few children, there is always the worry NFP won’t work. And then there is the worry about kids being healthy and turning out good. There is the worry will my kid get into drugs.

And I realize, it does not matter what your life is. Worry is worry plain and simple. There will always be things to worry about no matter what and the trick is to learn to trust God

So, do I think there is a grieving process when one finds out they probably won’t have kids, perhaps for some the answer is yes. But the cure is time and trusting God

Angie

 

[GreyWings]

Yes. Medical care and nutrition is better now, and women tend to be healthier in general (except maybe for obesity issues in some).
There’s a woman in my parish that has 9 kids. Last one born at 46. She doesn’t seem to show any indication of slowing down either. They come from a huge family, and desire one themselves.
This is going to sound odd to some, but a Novena to St. Anne is highly recommended.
All things are possible with God. Blessings to all on this thread.

Thank you, Clare. This gives the 30-somethings like me hope.

Mcubed - I LOVE your story about finding love on CatholicMatch and having a family! That’s great!

If a woman is getting healthy periods in her 30’s she is fertile. At least, that’s what my doctor said when I asked about my own fertility.

 

[Kay_Cee]

I married at age 35. Had my first child at 36, the second at 38 (almost 39).

We used NFP to help us conceive, and it worked great. Got my older daughter the very first month we tried. The second daughter took two months.

It was a little tougher having kids when we were older. About the same time my husband and I were starting to slow down, our kids were picking up speed. On the other hand, we were more mature, and therefore better equipped to raise children.

So–no grieving here.

 

[GreyWings]

I married at age 35. Had my first child at 36, the second at 38 (almost 39).

We used NFP to help us conceive, and it worked great. Got my older daughter the very first month we tried. The second daughter took two months.

It was a little tougher having kids when we were older. About the same time my husband and I were starting to slow down, our kids were picking up speed. On the other hand, we were more mature, and therefore better equipped to raise children.

So–no grieving here.

Yay! :thumbsup:

 

[3DOCTORS]

The parameters are limited because I was (and still am) trying . . . to find women to identify with and speak to, especially about the situation of “circumstantial infertility or childlessness” as it’s sometimes called (women and men who are childless because they are unable to find a partner within the limited window of their childbearing years rather than by choice).

I chose 35-ish (it really should be anything over 30— thank you, UpUpAndAway) because if a woman is single-single (110% single-- not “just married”…not engaged…not dating…not “you should meet this guy”…not “trying for a baby already”) by her early thirties, it is very unlikely (not impossible…but very unlikely) that things will suddenly magic together in time for her to have that first baby by 35 or even 40. Actually having a baby at 35-40ish is one thing…just starting to get to know your future spouse or even just getting married at that same age having never had a child is quite another. I’m trying to find more people in the latter category to talk with about this.

I’m honestly not sure if I necessarily need to grieve-grieve myself…I was never one of those women who felt destined to have children, even though I’ve always been open to them. God’s will is God’s will and I trust in His wisdom…but, as I know from other losses, pain and grieving are funny things and can strike at you unexpectedly. This is my first step into consciously realizing what’s been there for a long time. The journey may be smoother than expected or it may get choppy…most likely a combination of both. I’m just hoping to find other women to talk with, as most of the women I know personally are mothers or still younger.

I couldn’t choose in the poll, but I’m sure we could have plenty to talk about. I’m now 53. I wanted to be a mother from the time I was, say, 4 years old. Then I desperately wanted to be part of a couple from the time I was in junior high, and I would get very lonely an depressed out in public watching couples enjoying themselves. I’ve only had two steady boyfriends ever. The second one I thought was husband material, but he wasn’t. And all those years from the 20s through the 30s I kept wondering if marriage would ever happen, and if I could bear children (some potential fertility problems I knew about due to other medical symptoms) and raise them okay (due to my anxiety disorders). Dating was a joke, it was so hard to meet anyone and if I went on one date I rarely ended up going on a second with the same guy.

In my 40s, I was beginning to be concerned about the possibility of birth defects, etc. knowing my eggs were aging. And that whole business about how long it would take for it to even be an issue – to meet someone, actually have things “click” and date, become engaged, get married, and try to have kids. Then at 46 I had my hysterectomy and it was rather a relief in that regard. It ended physical suffering and settled the motherhood question. However, that isn’t to say I didn’t grieve in a new way knowing how permanent it made things. I remember once a friend of mine’s daughter was going to have a baby at the 1-year anniversary of my surgery. Out of envy and jealousy I got in a horrible mood and had a terrible fight with that friend that evening because my angst was just spilling out all over the place (we have long since made up, and only recently with enough time and distance did I explain what really triggered that incident just so my friend could have an explanation for my behavior; she was very understanding about it).

Feel free to PM me if you want to chat more.

I am 45 single never married and no kids. And here is my story

I feel like I am very different than other women. I have a ‘reverse maternity clock’. When I was 5 years old, all I wanted was to marry and have 20 + children. I loved kids and would always gravitate towards them. I was never one to find younger children a pesky annoyance but rather a very refreshing cuteness.

I never really had a real boyfriend until my 30s. Before that it was more like a guy a dated for a month or two. When I was in my early 20’s, never having had a boyfriend I worried SO MUCH about being an old maid. My dad use to tell me to quit wasting time worrying. I didn’t understand what he meant until I was 40.

When I was around 35 I realized that even if I do marry the chances of having a large family (which by that time was down to 6 kid as oppose to 20) was slim and I probably would be lucky to have 3 I gave up on the notion. I have a good acceptance of my state in life. Although I do dream of meeting a man but that is mainly because I think it would be nice to have someone to do the handyman jobs around my home

The older I got, the less my maternity clock ticked. Partly because I have babysat enough of other people’s kids to appreciate the headache caring for kids can be. But also because I see it is not a bed of roses. The though of putting myself through a pregnancy was always scary . . .

. . . And then there is the worry about kids being healthy and turning out good.

I can relate to quite a bit of the above as well – in my 30s-40s, and working retail and having to deal with a lot of unruly kids, I confess became more ambivalent as to whether I would really want to have one. I had long ago considered the adopting as a single mom but came to realize that without a husband that would be way too taxing. It never got that far off the ground anyway, as I was dealing with that severe anxiety and also financial problems.

And now I see so many of my friends my age have their adult children going off the rails. Particularly the daughters – being codependent and hooking up with ne’er-do-wells – I’m grateful to have been spared that heartache and stress. I hate that I feel that cynical, but there it is.

 

[LuciaPacifici]

Well I am 29 and “single-single.” Things don’t look good. Catholic men don’t seem to like me at all, it makes me sad. I see how it just came together naturally for others and I wonder what’s wrong with me that it doesn’t happen naturally and it’s so hard.

I would like a family, but I think you are wise not to let outside pressure and impatience cause you to make a rash decision. I ended an engagement with a man three years ago, with God’s grace and help, and we would have been very unhappy together.

Yes, I do feel slight pain knowing he got married and has a baby now and I feel like my chances get worse every day; even though I’m happy for him.

The pressure from social networks is what really gets to me. Especially when all the secular people I know get married. I can’t even say that it’s just the Catholic community getting married anymore, which I could when I was younger.

Not to be grim but I end up focusing on preparation for my passing into the next life, which helps put it in perspective.

But this is a legitimate pain and desire, as we have been reading about Abraham and his desire for a child at mass recently.

Who knows, maybe we will both meet someone soon and be glad we were patient. I will know, that it’s good I didn’t marry younger to the other guy, because of impatience.

I think I will start praying for you about this. I appreciate your post because I feel so alienated from the family talk. My family of origin is very broken too which makes me feel isolated in the world.

 

[3DOCTORS]

Well I am 29 and “single-single.” Things don’t look good. Catholic men don’t seem to like me at all, it makes me sad. I see how it just came together naturally for others and I wonder what’s wrong with me that it doesn’t happen naturally and it’s so hard.

**I would like a family, but I think you are wise not to let outside pressure and impatience cause you to make a rash decision. I ended an engagement with a man three years ago, with God’s grace and help, and we would have been very unhappy together.
**
Yes, I do feel slight pain knowing he got married and has a baby now and I feel like my chances get worse every day; even though I’m happy for him.

Congratulations on making the right decision even though it was painful.

The pressure from social networks is what really gets to me. **Especially when all the secular people I know get married. I can’t even say that it’s just the Catholic community getting married anymore, which I could when I was younger. **

Sadly, many of the marriages taking place (including quite a few among Catholics ) happen because the young women are willing to have sex before marriage and cohabit. This seems to be the new template, and finding a man who doesn’t expect a gal to conform to it is a rare experience indeed. Sometimes it’s the girlfriend who initiates this sequence, and the guy who weakens. But all are conditioned by the culture.

Not to be grim but I end up focusing on preparation for my passing into the next life, which helps put it in perspective.

But this is a legitimate pain and desire, as we have been reading about Abraham and his desire for a child at mass recently.

Who knows, maybe we will both meet someone soon and be glad we were patient. I will know, that it’s good I didn’t marry younger to the other guy, because of impatience.

I think I will start praying for you about this. I appreciate your post because I feel so alienated from the family talk. My family of origin is very broken too which makes me feel isolated in the world.

These are our crosses - and also for those still young enough, it is good to keep hope alive. And don’t ever let anyone make you feel ashamed of desiring marriage. I allowed my 2nd ex to do that to me. That’s one of the reasons he’s an ex.

 

[LuciaPacifici]

3DOCTORS how sweet of you to reply to me personally.

Congratulations on making the right decision even though it was painful.

It was basically a miracle. I would have never had the courage to admit I made a mistake, but circumstances came together and kind of forced it. I finally said that I wasn’t committed to it and he looked really sad and removed the ring, which was better than if I took it myself and handed it to him, I would have hurt him more.

Sadly, many of the marriages taking place (including quite a few among Catholics ) happen because the young women are willing to have sex before marriage and cohabit. This seems to be the new template, and finding a man who doesn’t expect a gal to conform to it is a rare experience indeed. Sometimes it’s the girlfriend who initiates this sequence, and the guy who weakens. But all are conditioned by the culture.

I should keep that in mind…many of the secular couples married now that I know, had bought houses together. I think some had been cohabiting for years. I don’t want that. I can’t imagine waiting for my boyfriend to propose for that long. When I worked at a bridal shop I had to hide my emotions when girls said they had been engaged 5-10 years.

These are our crosses - and also for those still young enough, it is good to keep hope alive. And don’t ever let anyone make you feel ashamed of desiring marriage. I allowed my 2nd ex to do that to me. That’s one of the reasons he’s an ex.

Yes…crosses indeed. The broken family and lack of own family thing is hard…I feel surrounded by people born into huge great Catholic families, that are now creating their own. I feel like some Catholic men think the broken family thing is scary and don’t want to date me. Everyone talks about their family and I never bring mine up which is probably kind of obvious. I find it painful.

Yes…I will remember not to be ashamed of desiring marriage.

When I was 12 I said I would never marry, but it wasn’t some noble desire for celibacy, I was just dealing with my parents’ acrimonious divorce and being constantly used as a pawn and put in the middle.

I literally used to think couples I saw around were pretending to be in love, because I didn’t realize how bad my parents’ case was.

I was afraid to want marriage because I couldn’t imagine anyone not leaving me. I didn’t understand how there could be trust when either person can just walk away for no reason. How could you not be on eggshells all the time?

When I entered the church, my repressed desire for marriage came out because I found out there was this whole community of people who don’t believe in divorce.

I became naive, though, and believed that two good Catholics together = perfect marriage. That’s how I got into my situation.

I am so grateful it taught me not to marry just to be married, but I still want to find someone.

The hardest part right now is being 29 and also the part where it is Catholic men in particular that act like I’m not there. Or worse think I’m bad or messed up. Some secular guys like me, kind of. Why not Catholics? It is so discouraging.

Thanks for your support 3DOCTORS

 

[Luvz2travel]

I am 45 single never married and no kids. And here is my story

I feel like I am very different than other women. I have a ‘reverse maternity clock’. When I was 5 years old, all I wanted was to marry and have 20 + children. I loved kids and would always gravitate towards them. I was never one to find younger children a pesky annoyance but rather a very refreshing cuteness.

I never really had a real boyfriend until my 30s. Before that it was more like a guy a dated for a month or two. When I was in my early 20’s, never having had a boyfriend I worried SO MUCH about being an old maid. My dad use to tell me to quit wasting time worrying. I didn’t understand what he meant until I was 40.

When I was around 35 I realized that even if I do marry the chances of having a large family (which by that time was down to 6 kid as oppose to 20) was slim and I probably would be lucky to have 3 I gave up on the notion. I have a good acceptance of my state in life. Although I do dream of meeting a man but that is mainly because I think it would be nice to have someone to do the handyman jobs around my home

The older I got, the less my maternity clock ticked. Partly because I have babysat enough of other people’s kids to appreciate the headache caring for kids can be. But also because I see it is not a bed of roses. The though of putting myself through a pregnancy was always scary and undesirable. I think of the morning sickness and the sleepless nights pregnant women o through and my heart bleeds for them. I think of the women who have to wake up 1 hour early to get their kids to day care, work all day and come home to having only a couple of hours to spend with their kids before putting them to bed. Mom’s have to give up their hobbies such as going to the gym and I wonder if I could be happy with that lifestyle.

And once Catholics have a few children, there is always the worry NFP won’t work. And then there is the worry about kids being healthy and turning out good. There is the worry will my kid get into drugs.

And I realize, it does not matter what your life is. Worry is worry plain and simple. There will always be things to worry about no matter what and the trick is to learn to trust God

So, do I think there is a grieving process when one finds out they probably won’t have kids, perhaps for some the answer is yes. But the cure is time and trusting God

Angie/QUOTE

My experience is very simular to yours. I did babysit quite a lot starting around 5 years old till I was in my 20s so kids wasn’t my first priorty but I never met a guy I want to have kids with either. Most users or abusers and who needs that. Kids don’t for one.

 

[Matt_Collins]

I apologize if you’re not interested in responses from men, however, I believe my experience is relevant to your situation. I met my wife when I was 28. She was 35. We got married just after she turned 37 and just before I turned 30. We had our first child when she was almost 38. Our third child was born when she was 43 years old. Today is his 21st birthday.

The thing is… we did not meet each other until we were ready. Several months before we met I had finally truly stopped trying to make it (marriage) happen and bought a sports car, to replace family oriented car I owned before. Around the same time my wife finally accepted that she may never get married and bought a house. It was only when we had stopped trying to force the situation, and I mean REALLY stopped trying to force it, and to move on with our lives as single people, that God decided we were ready to meet each other.

Of course, it may not work out that way with you. And that’s OK. God knows what your future holds, and He knows whether or not being married and having children is what would bring you closer to Him, which, after all, is what being married and having children is really all about, anyway. He may have other plans for you that will bring you far more happiness, both on Earth and in Heaven. But you need to let go of your own plans (grieve), and embrace His plans. We all do. It’s the only sure path to happiness.

And the time to let go of our own plans (at least to be detached from them) and to embrace God’s plan, is always NOW.

 

[Sarcelle]

Well I am 29 and “single-single.” Things don’t look good. Catholic men don’t seem to like me at all, it makes me sad. I see how it just came together naturally for others and I wonder what’s wrong with me that it doesn’t happen naturally and it’s so hard.

I would like a family, but I think you are wise not to let outside pressure and impatience cause you to make a rash decision. I ended an engagement with a man three years ago, with God’s grace and help, and we would have been very unhappy together.

Yes, I do feel slight pain knowing he got married and has a baby now and I feel like my chances get worse every day; even though I’m happy for him.

The pressure from social networks is what really gets to me. Especially when all the secular people I know get married. I can’t even say that it’s just the Catholic community getting married anymore, which I could when I was younger.

Not to be grim but I end up focusing on preparation for my passing into the next life, which helps put it in perspective.

But this is a legitimate pain and desire, as we have been reading about Abraham and his desire for a child at mass recently.

Who knows, maybe we will both meet someone soon and be glad we were patient. I will know, that it’s good I didn’t marry younger to the other guy, because of impatience.

I think I will start praying for you about this. I appreciate your post because I feel so alienated from the family talk. My family of origin is very broken too which makes me feel isolated in the world.

:console:

You are not alone. What came easy for others also did not come easy for me. I was diagnosed with autism and if social skills were a school, I would be arriving in the short bus. Relationships baffle me and I doubt I would make a good wife anyway. My own mother is not surprised that I am not married. That’s okay as my siblings have happy marriages and have given her grandchildren. Me, I am more comfortable with machines than with people.

I personally do not think that the idea of preparing for the next life is grim. One way to prepare is to focus on the here and now and to be grateful each day for the gift of today. It may not be an ideal life but honestly whose is?

 

[Sarcelle]

I apologize if you’re not interested in responses from men, however, I believe my experience is relevant to your situation. I met my wife when I was 28. She was 35. We got married just after she turned 37 and just before I turned 30. We had our first child when she was almost 38. Our third child was born when she was 43 years old. Today is his 21st birthday.

The thing is… we did not meet each other until we were ready. Several months before we met I had finally truly stopped trying to make it (marriage) happen and bought a sports car, to replace family oriented car I owned before. Around the same time my wife finally accepted that she may never get married and bought a house. It was only when we had stopped trying to force the situation, and I mean REALLY stopped trying to force it, and to move on with our lives as single people, that God decided we were ready to meet each other.

Of course, it may not work out that way with you. And that’s OK. God knows what your future holds, and He knows whether or not being married and having children is what would bring you closer to Him, which, after all, is what being married and having children is really all about, anyway. He may have other plans for you that will bring you far more happiness, both on Earth and in Heaven. But you need to let go of your own plans (grieve), and embrace His plans. We all do. It’s the only sure path to happiness.

And the time to let go of our own plans (at least to be detached from them) and to embrace God’s plan, is always NOW.

I think most of us can look at our lives and say this is not the life I signed up for.

Easier said than done when it comes to trusting God , especially when He seems so far away.

 

[SilverLight]

Look I’m only 23 but I felt pushed to post this. Why not consider adoption? My mother tried to have a child but she felt it was not in the plans for her to have a child. My parents decided to try adoption and now I’m here and out of an orphanage. It’s not your biological child but it’s a child that really needs love and a home.

 

[Rence]

I’m 46 and I don’t worry about the thought of never having kids. It won’t other me if I ever decide to get married either. Those things just haven’t been a priority for me, and other things have been priorities. Not everyone is meant to have their own kids.

 

[misfitz]

I’ve never really grieved over it. I just figure if God wanted me to have children of my own, it would have happened.

Instead, I married for the first time at the age of 43 to a widower with three kids.