Ladies who are 35+ and single or married after 35: when did you grieve and accept childlessness?

[Sugabee43]

Just for my perspective - I got married at 33 (always said I’d never marry before 30- ha!). We chose to wait a while before attempting conception, so we practiced NFP successfully (not hard) until we conceived our first boy. I had him at 35 1/2 yrs. I had boy #2 at 37, and boy #3 at 40. So even though most OBs will consider a woman over 35 “high risk”, it’s more than possible!!
Also, I have a sister who is now 55 and never married/had children. She has definitely grieved over never having babies; although she has a medical condition that would make childbearing difficult if not life-threatening. She LOVE babies and children, and has baby-sat for friends over the years so it ‘fulfills’ her need for babysnuggles. But she has reconciled God’s will for her to be Auntie to many rather than Mama to a few. It’s a difficult burden for her to bear, but one that she has come to know is a sacrifice and a gift for her Lord.

 

[Diamantina]

When I was in high school, I thought that I would graduate from college just before my 22nd birthday, marry as a virgin to another virgin at age 25, have a child two years later and another child six years after that, by which time I would be a published novelist. Well, my life didn’t happen that way.

I’m 48, never married, no kids. During my sophomore year away at college, I had a severe episode of depression, which forced me to return home and study part-time at a community college. I then thought that it would be immoral for me to pass my “bad genes” to future generations and by the time I was 21, I had decided that I would never have children. I still wanted to get married, but since I believed (and still believe) that artificial contraception is wrong, I thought that I could marry a (non-gay) man who sincerely loved me and who also wanted very little sex (my libido is also low). Of course, the few times that I dabbed my toe into the dating scene I saw that such a paladin would be extremely hard to find.

I never grieved because I am childless (I would consider myself “childfree” if the childfree movement weren’t so darn secular: the “childfree” rely on contraception and sterilization, not chastity, to avoid having children). Recurrent episodes of depression only reinforced my decision not to have children and made it harder and harder for me to find a man – not that I was looking that hard in the first place. While I did manage to earn a BA and go to grad school, I was no great catch: still living at home with my mother, never having a full-time job, and after a particular bad episode of depression ended my graduate study, on SSI. While I had a few published magazine articles, I never got around to polishing up the novels I had completed, much less get them published. And by the time my depression started to stabilize under the right combination of medications, I was already over 40.

So I am approaching my 49th birthday, having been menopausal for almost two years, and still at times wistfully long for a wedding – not so much for a husband or a marriage (though I realize that getting married would probably help me in economic terms, especially since my mother is not getting any younger and I fear being homeless after she dies), but a lovely wedding in a pretty Catholic chapel one autumn afternoon before perhaps 50 guests, with one of the priests at my parish as the celebrant. I suppose I will have to grieve for that, because that wedding does not seem to be anywhere on the horizon

 

[3DOCTORS]

When I was in high school, I thought that I would graduate from college just before my 22nd birthday, marry as a virgin to another virgin at age 25, have a child two years later and another child six years after that, by which time I would be a published novelist. Well, my life didn’t happen that way.

I’m 48, never married, no kids. During my sophomore year away at college, I had a severe episode of depression, which forced me to return home and study part-time at a community college. I then thought that it would be immoral for me to pass my “bad genes” to future generations and by the time I was 21, I had decided that I would never have children. I still wanted to get married, but since I believed (and still believe) that artificial contraception is wrong, I thought that I could marry a (non-gay) man who sincerely loved me and who also wanted very little sex (my libido is also low). Of course, the few times that I dabbed my toe into the dating scene I saw that such a paladin would be extremely hard to find.

I never grieved because I am childless (I would consider myself “childfree” if the childfree movement weren’t so darn secular: the “childfree” rely on contraception and sterilization, not chastity, to avoid having children). Recurrent episodes of depression only reinforced my decision not to have children and made it harder and harder for me to find a man – not that I was looking that hard in the first place. While I did manage to earn a BA and go to grad school, I was no great catch: still living at home with my mother, never having a full-time job, and after a particular bad episode of depression ended my graduate study, on SSI. While I had a few published magazine articles, I never got around to polishing up the novels I had completed, much less get them published. And by the time my depression started to stabilize under the right combination of medications, I was already over 40.

So I am approaching my 49th birthday, having been menopausal for almost two years, and still at times wistfully long for a wedding – not so much for a husband or a marriage (though I realize that getting married would probably help me in economic terms, especially since my mother is not getting any younger and I fear being homeless after she dies), but a lovely wedding in a pretty Catholic chapel one autumn afternoon before perhaps 50 guests, with one of the priests at my parish as the celebrant. I suppose I will have to grieve for that, because that wedding does not seem to be anywhere on the horizon

Honey, we could almost be sisters. I had more conflict over the idea of pregnancy with my anxiety issues and also being responsible for another life - yet I did want kids. I can relate to you on the education and career disappointments, financial concerns with being on fixed income, etc. I wish there was some kind of network where all of us women in this boat could come together and brainstorm ways of making our paths through life easier via some kind of collective pooling of resources or something… Hang in there, you’re not alone.

 

[noclevername]

Your question is really age discriminatory. I had a child when I was 41.

 

[Vanny]

Well, I remember waking up on my 35th birthday and thinking I may never have my own biological children.
Actually, I went through a series of Mr Wrongs for awhile, I think the poster that stated the sexual revolution damaged dating and relationships is correct.
At age 33 I completely gave my life back to Christ and started attending church and though I prayed to meet a Christian man and marry, but only if it was God’s will.
I realized that it may be God’s will for me to serve singly, and I accepted that if it was His Will.
I did meet my husband at age 36, walked down the aisle at age 37 and had my first child at age 38 and my second at age 39. healthy boys, pregnancies were healthy and no problems. I feel very blessed to have those boys.
We wanted more children but 2 subsequent pregnancies ended in miscarriage in my 40’s. Decided to stop trying after that and use NFP to avoid pregnancy which we did.
Just going through menopause at age 59(like Pianist Claire!)
I do have some female cousins who never had children through circumstance(never married) and a stepsister through infertitlity and their lives are rich and full.
I also have a best friend who was married and divorced no children. She’s is a devoted, amazing auntie and great auntie to her sister’s children. She has a very rich and full life as well so children weren’t in the cards for her but she is loving life.

 

[Vanny]

Yes. Just look around CAF–there are a lot of babies happening well after 40.

I would never recommend that people wait a long time on purpose, but the average woman has nearly 40 (eek!) years of fertility (if we’re counting from menarche to menopause).

When my sons were young I met a lady whose son was in my sons preschool class who had had her last at 46-all natural pregnancy.
While no one should assume they will be fertile until that age, as you said, I personally know several women who conceived and had children(and the old fashioned way at that) after age 40. And also seen them on the forums.

 

[Marie5890]

It was a choice and dream that was denied me due to circumstances beyond my control.
I still grieve it, but it’s not as devastating as it used to be as hormones have naturally cooled due to age.

 

[hwriggles4]

My wife and I have had six miscarriages and then we gave up. We are now too old to have any children. We feel abandoned by God who never heard or answered our prayers over the past twenty years.

Jacques

One of my best friends met his wife on Catholic Match. Both he and his were in their late 30’s when they met and married. Their first year of marriage, they had three miscarriages, along with an ectopic pregnancy that left his wife unable to have children. Ten years later, the two are still married, and they do some ministry work together in their spare time - which allows them some togetherness and time with others. There are also plenty of nephews and nieces that live close, which gives them time for both “spiritual motherhood” and “spiritual fatherhood”. They also have a prayer life.

An attractive female friend who is like a sister to me (and a devout Catholic) struggled a lot with dating and courtship throughout her twenties. After one failed engagement (and a long term relationship that went south), she married a great guy (I helped introduce them) at the age of 33 (I have an aunt who married in 1971 at the age of 30 and in 1971, if you weren’t married by 30 it was assumed you would be a spinster) . I was present at their wedding, and literally 9 months and 6 days later, they had their first daughter. My friend had her fourth child (her only son) when she was nearly 41, and she is an excellent mom.

I have an aunt who never married. She recently turned 80, and has always been active. She was always like a “second mother” to my cousins, and since my grandmother has passed away, she is like a grandmother to my cousins, and most important, a great-grandmother to my second cousins, who she calls her “grand nieces and grand nephews”. My mother says she had many suitors in her 20’s (and turned down at least one marriage proposal), but I think she just didn’t want to settle for just anyone - that’s something I can relate to myself.

I had another aunt who married for the first time at 47. Physically, she was unable to have children, but she and my uncle raised one of her nieces. My cousin was 5 when she came to live with them and says that her aunt is more like her mother than her biological mother.

I have another friend (he’s like an older brother to me) who married for the first time at 45. He married an attractive, smart 37 year old who in her twenties spent some time discerning her vocation in a convent. Today, at 53 and 45, they have two kids (6 and 4) and are wonderful parents. You never know what can happen.

 

[maoldomnaigh]

Iwillrise,

I did go through a distinct grieving process, I believe it was in my late 30s. I am now 51 and I have not experienced any feelings of sadness over not having had children in over 10 years. I remember going through this grieving period with the Lord Jesus, and I would say that my relationship with Him was the single most important thing about going through that process successfully and coming out as a person who is content without having children or grandchildren. I would recommend drawing near to Him. He and the Father have a plan and purpose for your life…but more than that, God IS the plan and purpose for our life. I remember it being a painful loss, a genuine grieving, but going through this with the Lord brings a purifying spirit, the capacity to die to self, as we are all called to do in one way or another. Whether or not the Lord decides to bless you with biological children, the process of dying to self is always painful and purifying and will allow greater freedom to embrace His will each day. He may bless you in special ways to help you through this…and most of all with the Love of His own Heart. "“Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and you were not willing.” Lk 13:34. He understands your pain…and if you can believe it, his pain is even greater. Unite your pain with him and you will find joy and peace that passeth all understanding. Peace be with you, have courage!

 

[3DOCTORS]

I also have to admit, sadly, that my views about being a mother and grandmother myself have changed more and more as I see the depths of immorality to which modern culture has shrunk. Granted, children have broken their parents’ hearts for as long as humanity has existed. But here lately there has been such a rise in atheism, hookup culture, acceptance of homosexual “marriage,” taking for granted that cohabitation is part of the path to marriage and that a really cool (and often costly) wedding is desirable but not the meaning of marriage itself.

I see friends’ children get married and divorce while their children are not even school age. Often those young adults are repeating what happened to them when their own parents divorced. That was during the time I came of age, the “Me Generation” days. The pattern of not having a stable family structure just keeps repeating, and the children don’t value chastity much at all. They think with their emotions and their hormones - and when these flimsy relationships inevitably fall apart, they repeat the insanity hoping for different results. But they’ve never really known there is a better way, either. Or were not given good example to be able to internalize it.

In short, I don’t know if I could emotionally handle what devout Christian parents are called upon to handle these days. I would always love my children, but so often parents are emotionally blackmailed to accept the child’s immoral living situation in a way that involves the parent watering down their morals, which I will not do. So maybe it’s better that I didn’t have children.

 

[Sarcelle]

I also have to admit, sadly, that my views about being a mother and grandmother myself have changed more and more as I see the depths of immorality to which modern culture has shrunk. Granted, children have broken their parents’ hearts for as long as humanity has existed. But here lately there has been such a rise in atheism, hookup culture, acceptance of homosexual “marriage,” taking for granted that cohabitation is part of the path to marriage and that a really cool (and often costly) wedding is desirable but not the meaning of marriage itself.

I see friends’ children get married and divorce while their children are not even school age. Often those young adults are repeating what happened to them when their own parents divorced. That was during the time I came of age, the “Me Generation” days. The pattern of not having a stable family structure just keeps repeating, and the children don’t value chastity much at all. They think with their emotions and their hormones - and when these flimsy relationships inevitably fall apart, they repeat the insanity hoping for different results. But they’ve never really known there is a better way, either. Or were not given good example to be able to internalize it.

In short, I don’t know if I could emotionally handle what devout Christian parents are called upon to handle these days. I would always love my children, but so often parents are emotionally blackmailed to accept the child’s immoral living situation in a way that involves the parent watering down their morals, which I will not do. So maybe it’s better that I didn’t have children.

Well said.

I know some grieving parents who see their children make immoral and sinful lifestyle choices.

I never grieved over not being a mother.

Now if I were in a happy marriage and could not have kids, I would probably grieve.

 

[spunjalebi]

I don’t know if I fit in here, but I married in my mid-20’s and am now in my early 30’s. I still don’t have children.

Without giving too many details (you can do a search here), I grieved in my late 20’s because of a medical issue. A Catholic NFP doctor said it was possible, but my husband thinks we are financially unfit. I am sure any woman, married or unmarried, begins to feel a sense of grief, annoyance, frustration, you name it when people point out to her the “old age” of 30 is upon or passed her. How you are just so old there’s no way you can have energy to care for children. It’s not helpful.

Even though I am married, I am in solidarity with unmarried women in my age group who grieve. It is never easy, no matter what your marital status.

 

[DalCatholic]

This question is for women who are 35+ and either single or who married after age 35:

When did you first begin to grieve the fact that you may/will never have children?

For some of us, once we reach our early thirties and do not find ourselves in a relationship or even with any potential relationship on the horizon…it is time to face the reality that we may not be called to natural motherhood in this lifetime, or that the call will go unfulfilled.

It seems a particular hazard for some women in their thirties to face the ticking clock of declining fertility at the same time as they are dating.

But the time pressure of this approach may sabotage potential relationships, which, unless they are with long-term friends or are miraculous meetings, may need much more time than the handful of years left “on the clock” for discernment…

I am in my early thirties now and about ready to begin the grieving process…it will be a difficult and painful journey, but it may be healthier this way than holding out hope for marriage and family to suddenly come together from nothing within the next five years or so. This is not the same as no longer being open to life…but rather an acceptance of circumstance and trust in what God has willed for my life right now (even if a five year miracle does happen, the reality right now is I am in my early thirties, single, and childless). If I accept and grieve my childlessness (and especially figure out how to channel this grief and pain), then perhaps I will become more patient if God’s will is for me to remain single beyond my thirties, into my forties or later…

Did any women out there take the time to mourn and/or grieve their childlessness once they realized that they risk sabotage and/or impatience if they did not?

If so, how did (do) you do this?

I’m in my early thirties and feel like you do, I try not to and want to keep the hope but I feel like I should prepare for the bitter reality too if that’s what God has in store for me especially with not many prospects for a long term relationship especially in a city with very few catholics.

I’ve thought about adoption though and feel like I’m waiting to set a deadline on my singleness until I can decide to do that.

 

[3DOCTORS]

I just want to say this thread has been a good experience for me. We never-married women are sort of a forgotten demographic a lot of the time. And if we never had children, although we likely come to terms with it in midlife, there’s also our elder years to consider, at least for some of us. I’m without any siblings, nieces or nephews, and not close enough geographically or otherwise to cousins and their children. Honestly I have no idea who will help me when I get old - except for God, of course! I’m trying to let go of worry about it. I also need to find a way, with limited financial resources, to plan a funeral liturgy and designate a person who is a devout Catholic to see that I get a reverent funeral and burial (or cremation as Plan B) when the time comes for that.

But as I said, it’s been a nice opportunity to connect with other women like myself. :grouphug:

 

[Ridgerunner]

Probably I have nothing worthwhile to add, and perhaps as a man I shouldn’t even attempt it.

But I have certainly known women who had no children and/or never married. I have a sister who is one who never married. She did what I think is pretty well professionally and saved her money wisely. She’s retired now, and very independent financially. She moved to where some of her married siblings (like me) live. I have five children and sixteen grandchildren. My sister socializes with all of us but her relationship to the little kids is more like that of a kindly teacher than a would-be mom. In truth, I don’t think she was ever cut out to be a mother, and I think she’s a lot happier the way she is than the way she would have been had she married and had children. I truly do. She has her friends, her womens’ clubs and her personal routines. I think she’s very happy.

Which is not to say all women would be. I sometimes wonder whether, as a society, we have sort of adopted a low birth rate without quite realizing that’s what we were doing. My wife and I were married when she was 21 and I was 24. She had just graduated from college, and I from graduate school. Fertility was not a problem for either of us at that age.

But for a woman, to go through college, then through graduate or some professional school, then get her “feet on the ground” in a profession, it eats up the years. I think I read somewhere that women are at their most fertile from about age 16 through somewhere in their 20s. That’s a narrow window that, in times past, nobody worried about because that’s when most women got married. A man’s fertility declines a bit later, but it does decline. And men get married later too than they used to.Take two people, both of whom are declining in fertility, and I’m sure the percentage possibilities of conception drop a lot.

And one of the posters mentioned financial unfitness. I think maybe people expect more in the way of prosperity now, pre-children, than they used to. My wife and I were really, truly poor when we first married and had our first kids. Somehow, when you’re younger, it doesn’t seem so bad to be poor. The level one thinks of as “poor” gets higher and higher as one ages.

I wish it was possible, practical, whatever, for women to marry at 18 to guys who are 21. I wish men and women were mentally mature enough at that age (seems like they once were) because they have a lot more energy at younger ages, as well as being more fertile. But then, there’s that education thing, and the extended adolescence that seems to go with it.

Is it possible that if high school was a lot more educational than it is (and more like it once was in that regard) not so many would think they had to get a college degree in order to make a living? I wonder. High school, when I was a kid, was the “college” of today. Not many went beyond that, and certainly not for lightweight degrees that command earnings no skilled plumber or electrician would take.

And sometimes, for those degrees and those years, people end up in debt in the tens of thousands of dollars. Who can have a family then? One can’t help wonder why. When I went to college, the local state U didn’t even charge tuition. Anyone could earn room and board money by working in the summer. The graduate school I attended was mainly composed of old, donated mansions, a couple of old hotels converted to dormitories and a couple of immensely old classroom buildings. Now, both the local State U and my grad school are covered with magnificent buildings, lavish dorms, monuments, fountains and statuary. And they both cost a lot to attend; a lot more, relative to what people earn, than they did then.

Something is just upside down in the way we’re doing things in this society. Maybe that’s just the way things happen, eventually, in all modern societies.

 

[3DOCTORS]

Ridgerunner, I’m glad you posted that. You make many valid points. Sadly, our world has structured things so that we don’t do things according to nature. The concept of the “teenager” is relatively recent - a few generations back, I think children got to be innocent a bit longer, examples being that girls might’ve played dolls and playground games instead of wanting to have a boyfriend waaaay too early. Boys, I’m not entirely sure, having never had a brother or a son, but IDK, baseball, fishing, farm work . . . ? At the same time they remained more innocent, though, they were also learning responsibility and the value of work, which actually led to greater maturity in many ways. Today’s teens have babies when their bodies are ready but their emotions and ability to raise a family aren’t.

The job market back in the day was structured in favor of the model of the male as breadwinner and female as just working until she got married, and the demise of this model brought new opportunities for women, but I think we lost something as well in the tradeoff. I don’t know what a viable solution would be that wouldn’t set women back in terms of being able to make intellectual and tangible contributions to building society yet still not have to have someone else raise their kids. And for fathers to be able to be more a part of the home scene.

My dad, with average grades and a high school diploma, was able to get a job that was stable. He had been working since he was pretty young at a gasoline station and then a men’s clothing store. His job post high school was for an airline. He enlisted in the Air Force and served 4 years or so, and after discharge returned to the airline and was employed there for 40 years.

My mother and he married “late” for people in the 50s - he was 28 and she was 33. She had worked 16 years for an insurance company but wanted to be a fulltime wife and homemaker when they met.

The outsourcing of so many jobs like my dad’s to other countries (among other economic hurdles) has made a huge difference in the prospects for graduates of college, much less high school.

With the internet and flexible scheduling options for education, perhaps one day it will be more possible for both men and women to have careers if they want them and ideally balance them with motherhood and fatherhood. But until there is a strong economy, liveable wages and benefits, along with flexible work hours, this is a long way in the offing.