Lapsed family all around me, all "alone"

[HumanGarbage]

I was raised without the gift of faith. My pop ended up confirming me pretty late in childhood, to further his cultural identity. The stories felt dead to me, I was already dead. As I came into the intellectual arrogance of a young man I was never going to consider that a “Roman provincial” who “probably didn’t even exist” was the “Son of God”. I believed in love, even selfless love, but I didn’t believe many people did, and I had to define it thermodynamically, then in terms of organic chemistry, then biologically, culturally, ect. An interference pattern, a cruel joke, destined to peter out to equilibrium. A kind of OCD quest to understand the cruelty of existence.

So I had the gift of understanding the meaningless insanity of a perspective rejecting God and Jesus Christ. I find myself a child in a beehive. I am surrounded by “mindless” secularists with their so-sad existential anxieties. What can I say to the people I love that won’t fall on deaf ears? I would have listened to no one. My contempt for this world grows greater than it ever did as a sad materialist.

My nephew is a toddler being raised to “never feel bad about himself,” and his violence that so scares his mother will be treated by the incompetent arrogance of psychiatry. No good and evil is to be spoken of in his presence, only vague affirmations of positive nothing. Everyone in my family just feels good for my reversion, that it might give ME comfort. They don’t see their own complete failure to raise a healthy family, or their lack of interior peace, their desperation and unceasing want, their inability to sleep without antihistamine drugs every night, medication for happiness that they take in spite of their unhappiness, I have no tolerance anymore. Theres only one answer. It took supernatural grace to get me to where I am, but I had little distractions or responsibility to distract me from the very clear message that, counter to my little minds ability to calculate “logically”, it was the Roman Catholic Church that is the “meaning of life”. I’ve got green scapulars, yet I weep that maybe I can’t believe in them enough for others? I had no green scapulars to help me, but they came for me. My intolerance overflows on the living dead people I love. I’m not honoring my father and mother. Its so hard to bear.

I never found the zombie to be an appealing or sensical fictional trope, but now I’m living in a world of the walking dead. Every time I speak to these people in my family, I want to scream, you were confirmed, just go to confession, you ingrates, faithless, helpless and hopeless frankenstein slaves. Obviously I can’t say anything like that, but I feel it. I hate it. I feel like Cassandra.

 

[Annie39]

I was raised without the gift of faith. My pop ended up confirming me pretty late in childhood, to further his cultural identity. The stories felt dead to me, I was already dead. As I came into the intellectual arrogance of a young man I was never going to consider that a “Roman provincial” who “probably didn’t even exist” was the “Son of God”. I believed in love, even selfless love, but I didn’t believe many people did, and I had to define it thermodynamically, then in terms of organic chemistry, then biologically, culturally, ect. An interference pattern, a cruel joke, destined to peter out to equilibrium. A kind of OCD quest to understand the cruelty of existence.

So I had the gift of understanding the meaningless insanity of a perspective rejecting God and Jesus Christ. I find myself a child in a beehive. I am surrounded by “mindless” secularists with their so-sad existential anxieties. What can I say to the people I love that won’t fall on deaf ears? I would have listened to no one. My contempt for this world grows greater than it ever did as a sad materialist.

My nephew is a toddler being raised to “never feel bad about himself,” and his violence that so scares his mother will be treated by the incompetent arrogance of psychiatry. No good and evil is to be spoken of in his presence, only vague affirmations of positive nothing. Everyone in my family just feels good for my reversion, that it might give ME comfort. They don’t see their own complete failure to raise a healthy family, or their lack of interior peace, their desperation and unceasing want, their inability to sleep without antihistamine drugs every night, medication for happiness that they take in spite of their unhappiness, I have no tolerance anymore. Theres only one answer. It took supernatural grace to get me to where I am, but I had little distractions or responsibility to distract me from the very clear message that, counter to my little minds ability to calculate “logically”, it was the Roman Catholic Church that is the “meaning of life”. I’ve got green scapulars, yet I weep that maybe I can’t believe in them enough for others? I had no green scapulars to help me, but they came for me. My intolerance overflows on the living dead people I love. I’m not honoring my father and mother. Its so hard to bear.

I never found the zombie to be an appealing or sensical fictional trope, but now I’m living in a world of the walking dead. Every time I speak to these people in my family, I want to scream, you were confirmed, just go to confession, you ingrates, faithless, helpless and hopeless frankenstein slaves. Obviously I can’t say anything like that, but I feel it. I hate it. I feel like Cassandra.

This reply may come across as a put-down so at the outset let me say that it is not meant to be. I can’t address you by that user name you used. I’m guessing that you are the artistic type¸ a romantic in the best sense of that word. You feel things very deeply. I think that St. Francis of Assisi would be a saint that you would like to learn about if you don’t already know much about him. G. K. Chesterton wrote that St. Francis was a romantic. If you were my son I would recommend that you change your user name and pray for the joy of your salvation that you may be an example to those around you. The Lord can work through you to change others little by little.

Annie

 

[angelic06]

I was raised without the gift of faith. My pop ended up confirming me pretty late in childhood, to further his cultural identity. The stories felt dead to me, I was already dead. As I came into the intellectual arrogance of a young man I was never going to consider that a “Roman provincial” who “probably didn’t even exist” was the “Son of God”. I believed in love, even selfless love, but I didn’t believe many people did, and I had to define it thermodynamically, then in terms of organic chemistry, then biologically, culturally, ect. An interference pattern, a cruel joke, destined to peter out to equilibrium. A kind of OCD quest to understand the cruelty of existence.

So I had the gift of understanding the meaningless insanity of a perspective rejecting God and Jesus Christ. I find myself a child in a beehive. I am surrounded by “mindless” secularists with their so-sad existential anxieties. What can I say to the people I love that won’t fall on deaf ears? I would have listened to no one. My contempt for this world grows greater than it ever did as a sad materialist.

My nephew is a toddler being raised to “never feel bad about himself,” and his violence that so scares his mother will be treated by the incompetent arrogance of psychiatry. No good and evil is to be spoken of in his presence, only vague affirmations of positive nothing. Everyone in my family just feels good for my reversion, that it might give ME comfort. They don’t see their own complete failure to raise a healthy family, or their lack of interior peace, their desperation and unceasing want, their inability to sleep without antihistamine drugs every night, medication for happiness that they take in spite of their unhappiness, I have no tolerance anymore. Theres only one answer. It took supernatural grace to get me to where I am, but I had little distractions or responsibility to distract me from the very clear message that, counter to my little minds ability to calculate “logically”, it was the Roman Catholic Church that is the “meaning of life”. I’ve got green scapulars, yet I weep that maybe I can’t believe in them enough for others? I had no green scapulars to help me, but they came for me. My intolerance overflows on the living dead people I love. I’m not honoring my father and mother. Its so hard to bear.

I never found the zombie to be an appealing or sensical fictional trope, but now I’m living in a world of the walking dead. Every time I speak to these people in my family, I want to scream, you were confirmed, just go to confession, you ingrates, faithless, helpless and hopeless frankenstein slaves. Obviously I can’t say anything like that, but I feel it. I hate it. I feel like Cassandra.

Why did you pick such a trashy name?

Have you sought out the help of a priest?

I do not know where your parents are, but I am reasonably sure that when they die, they will get a refresher course in theology.

Now, as for the substance of your post, let me first invite you to consider speaking with a priest and then back to attending Mass. At the very least, say some morning or evening prayers each day. It doesn’t have to be petitions; instead you can praise the Lord for giving you your breath today.

Next, before the next time you encounter your family (I do not know if you are living on your own or not), read some good books on apologetics, such as Scott Hahn’s “Reasons to Believe”. This will give you some background on which to defend the Holy Faith and to strengthen your own faith. It starts out with the basics: how, without resorting to the use of Scripture or the Catechism, the reality of the divine makes the most sense in order to make sense of this world. Eventually, Hahn goes into using Scripture in order to make a defense of the Holy Faith before the Protestants.

 

[HumanGarbage]

Thank you. I rashly typed in the name, it’s the name of a comedians stage act, the words always resonated before. I just feel toxic only when I’m around people I care about. I’m not so worried about their ultimate salvation, but here and now, the peace available for free. In these moments I lose the peace. I just feel so much contempt, its overwhelming, I become poisonous, delicate, snappy, impatient. I’m failing to live up to what little be wanted of me in my easy life, and I feel just like garbage.

I’ve been going to mass and praying the rosary every day, first fridays and saturdays as well, which I will be heading out for my second first saturday devotion. I should get a spiritual director, I clearly need it. Thank you for your replies.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Thank you. I rashly typed in the name, it’s the name of a comedians stage act, the words always resonated before. I just feel toxic only when I’m around people I care about. I’m not so worried about their ultimate salvation, but here and now, the peace available for free. In these moments I lose the peace. I just feel so much contempt, its overwhelming, I become poisonous, delicate, snappy, impatient. I’m failing to live up to what little be wanted of me in my easy life, and I feel just like garbage.

I’ve been going to mass and praying the rosary every day, first fridays and saturdays as well, which I will be heading out for my second first saturday devotion. I should get a spiritual director, I clearly need it. Thank you for your replies.

Nice writing, and welcome home. We’re here for you, man.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I am surrounded by “mindless” secularists with their so-sad existential anxieties. What can I say to the people I love that won’t fall on deaf ears? I would have listened to no one. My contempt for this world grows greater than it ever did as a sad materialist.

I’ve got green scapulars, yet I weep that maybe I can’t believe in them enough for others? I had no green scapulars to help me, but they came for me. My intolerance overflows on the living dead people I love. I’m not honoring my father and mother. Its so hard to bear.

I never found the zombie to be an appealing or sensical fictional trope, but now I’m living in a world of the walking dead. Every time I speak to these people in my family, I want to scream, you were confirmed, just go to confession, you ingrates, faithless, helpless and hopeless frankenstein slaves. Obviously I can’t say anything like that, but I feel it. I hate it. I feel like Cassandra.

HG,

this could have been written by me. I was also raised without faith, parents were lapsed, and I was brought up to believe the secular truth of the moment. Maybe someone prayed for me, no idea, but I found my way home as a teen and continued practicing for the next 20 years, lapsing and picking myself up again. It’s not easy to stay on course when you are alone and have no support from your family and friends and the culture around you is against what you hold sacred.

It was until very recently that I felt like crying and screaming every day about things similar to what you discuss above. I felt such despair about people’s faithlessness and what seemed to me their stupidity and spiritual immaturity. I’d look at them and see emptiness, attempts of finding peace, I wondered about all that and desperately wanted to tell them that God can help them be better people, that their anxieties and issues can be resolved with His help, that there is more to life than this. But of course, not many things are as socially unacceptable as that, as mentioning the name of Jesus.

This started to affect me in a really bad way and I wondered where this joy of being a Christian was, why I wasn’t feeling it and wondered why I was so miserable. I wanted to stop obsessing about other people and about the world. One of the things I learned recently is that we have to let go of all things that take us away from God. We have to let go of our illusions that we can change others and that we are responsible for their choices. We have to let go of our resentment because other choose to reject God. This letting go doesn’t have to be a dramatic gesture and end of relationships, but a simple shift of focus from others to God. I decided to just stop. Whenever assaulted with negative feelings and thoughts I asked God to help me, I called the name of Jesus. I’ve been trying to constantly remind myself of God’s presence and to stay in that presence by simply focusing on Him. As we grow spiritually this becomes easier (I’ve heard).

May I suggest you simply ask Jesus to take care of these people and trust him that he will? This is not your burden to bear so don’t do it to yourself.

Maybe you will find the following meditation helpful:
motheofgod.com/threads/novena-of-surrender-to-the-will-of-god.4356/

It was turned into a novena, but you could read the entire text in one go if you’d rather do that. I found it very helpful in my attempt to detach myself from trying to control things.

Hope this helps a bit.

 

[Viki63]

I
It took supernatural grace to get me to where I am, .

I think you put your finger on it here. God reached down and touched you, and now you believe. So pray as you are doing, and commit your family to God.I understand that if we ask anything in His will at the hour of Christ’s death, at 3 PM, He will grant it also. But we know that He hears us always.

 

[kentcara2003]

I was raised without the gift of faith. My pop ended up confirming me pretty late in childhood, to further his cultural identity. The stories felt dead to me, I was already dead. As I came into the intellectual arrogance of a young man I was never going to consider that a “Roman provincial” who “probably didn’t even exist” was the “Son of God”. I believed in love, even selfless love, but I didn’t believe many people did, and I had to define it thermodynamically, then in terms of organic chemistry, then biologically, culturally, ect. An interference pattern, a cruel joke, destined to peter out to equilibrium. A kind of OCD quest to understand the cruelty of existence.

So I had the gift of understanding the meaningless insanity of a perspective rejecting God and Jesus Christ. I find myself a child in a beehive. I am surrounded by “mindless” secularists with their so-sad existential anxieties. What can I say to the people I love that won’t fall on deaf ears? I would have listened to no one. My contempt for this world grows greater than it ever did as a sad materialist.

My nephew is a toddler being raised to “never feel bad about himself,” and his violence that so scares his mother will be treated by the incompetent arrogance of psychiatry. No good and evil is to be spoken of in his presence, only vague affirmations of positive nothing. Everyone in my family just feels good for my reversion, that it might give ME comfort. They don’t see their own complete failure to raise a healthy family, or their lack of interior peace, their desperation and unceasing want, their inability to sleep without antihistamine drugs every night, medication for happiness that they take in spite of their unhappiness, I have no tolerance anymore. Theres only one answer. It took supernatural grace to get me to where I am, but I had little distractions or responsibility to distract me from the very clear message that, counter to my little minds ability to calculate “logically”, it was the Roman Catholic Church that is the “meaning of life”. I’ve got green scapulars, yet I weep that maybe I can’t believe in them enough for others? I had no green scapulars to help me, but they came for me. My intolerance overflows on the living dead people I love. I’m not honoring my father and mother. Its so hard to bear.

I never found the zombie to be an appealing or sensical fictional trope, but now I’m living in a world of the walking dead. Every time I speak to these people in my family, I want to scream, you were confirmed, just go to confession, you ingrates, faithless, helpless and hopeless frankenstein slaves. Obviously I can’t say anything like that, but I feel it. I hate it. I feel like Cassandra.

Please change your sign-on name!
You are a Son of God, by grace, though you may not feel it!

Have we not experienced something of your experience in our lives?!! We have…

As Contra Mundum has advised, changing one’s focus to Jesus will help see things and experience things differently,…slowly but surely.

I remembered when I was younger, self was the focus and how i lacked many things, or affirmations etc etc…the focus was self…and how I felt…that left me with a lack of SENSE OF GRATITUDE AND THANKFULNESS.

Unless a grain of wheat falls and dies, it remains but a grain of wheat…

To die to self and to live for the other, for Our Lord and Saviour,…will set us free.

Our loved ones are so close to us and the helplessness we may feel and the exasperation in not getting the message of Christ across as we ourselves are saints in the making, work still in progress…

We have Jesus, who is the Infinitely powerful God and He loves you and your loved ones immeasurably more than you can ever imagined…literally!!!

May he use you and render you an ever more efficacious instrument of His Mercy and Love as you grow in your understanding and knowledge of Him.!!!

Grace has begun the work in you, and it will reach its fulfillment …be patient and bear all things for love of Him, who was willing to die such a horrendous death for you and me…

Read the Bible and the CCC and wait for the Lord…

You ,O Lord, are my lamp,
My God who lightens my darkness,
with you I can break though any barrier,
with my God, I can scale any wall.(Psalm)

God bless,
Kentcara2003(SSCC 3rd Order)

 

[HumanGarbage]

I feel much less confused after my second first saturday devotion and confession, and two masses later. The sacrifice of mass only works inasmuch as you offer yourself up, and I compromised my full obedience to the teachings of the church with the rationalization of some bad habits the world really affirms these days, including so called “Catholic” websites. Drove me back right into chaos, an anxiety that corrupted my ability to be a light of the Truth for my family or anyone. It is a narrow path indeed, true freedom.

Not sure how to change the name, but I’ll just register again if I post anything else. It is definitely inappropriate and thoughtless and out of context for this forum, it implies things I don’t mean to imply, more of a cavalier self effacement that doesn’t fit this community.

Thank you all for your compassionate words.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I feel much less confused after my second first saturday devotion and confession, and two masses later. The sacrifice of mass only works inasmuch as you offer yourself up, and I compromised my full obedience to the teachings of the church with the rationalization of some bad habits the world really affirms these days, including so called “Catholic” websites. Drove me back right into chaos, an anxiety that corrupted my ability to be a light of the Truth for my family or anyone. It is a narrow path indeed, true freedom.

Not sure how to change the name, but I’ll just register again if I post anything else. It is definitely inappropriate and thoughtless and out of context for this forum, it implies things I don’t mean to imply, more of a cavalier self effacement that doesn’t fit this community.

Thank you all for your compassionate words.

Yes, you can’t change your user name but you can drop it and re-register with another name. I will look forward to hearing more from you!

 

[HumanGarbage]

This reply may come across as a put-down so at the outset let me say that it is not meant to be. I can’t address you by that user name you used. I’m guessing that you are the artistic type¸ a romantic in the best sense of that word. You feel things very deeply. I think that St. Francis of Assisi would be a saint that you would like to learn about if you don’t already know much about him. G. K. Chesterton wrote that St. Francis was a romantic. If you were my son I would recommend that you change your user name and pray for the joy of your salvation that you may be an example to those around you. The Lord can work through you to change others little by little.

Annie

And thanks for this, reading about St Francis was a huge inspiration, so relatable, and will continue to be.

 

[SachieWhitby]

I also would like to kindly suggest a more uplifting username and not because you’re bringing us down. HumanGarbage just seems… idontknow… like maybe you don’t really understand that you are very much important and very much loved by God, far more than you or anyone else here could really understand…

It’s very unfortunate when someone is given the briefest introduction to the Catholic church only to be betrayed by their own parents such that they were taken away from it with no say in the matter. [Children rarely have any say in regards to what church, if any, that they will go to.] For me, this came shortly after first communion, and you’ll probably find that there are others here who will also understand where you’re coming from.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Not sure how to change the name, but I’ll just register again if I post anything else.

I’m glad you’re feeling better.

Have you been to Adoration? Best thing ever, I very much recommend it.

I hope you will continue posting here, look forward to hearing from you again.