Large Families on Purpose

[jmjZelie]

There is a lot of wisdom in what I have bolded.

My husband is a good guy and never treated me as a gate keeper of when we could or could not have sex. He accepted me as a very fertile woman and respected that part of me, as well as the rest of me. Not all men resent their wives fertility.

Couples who are faced with having a large family are blessed in a very different way with joys and crosses that cannot be compared to the crosses and joys of those who struggle with infertility or the hardship of not being able to give in to their natural fertility for a miriad of reasons. Can this thread be for those who’d like to share our experiences, what has worked, what hasn’t, etc? We do not need to drag out every sad story of every couple that resents their child or neglects them because of lack of parenting abilities. Let’s help each other to live the vocation they were called to. I have been called to be a mother of a large family. I’m blessed to be doing so. I know the struggles and the joys and I’d like to help those just beginning the journey. I can’t help those with infertility. I’ll never know that cross. This is where I can help. Let us help each other. Please.

Yes, exactly!

Please share! I would love to read more of your experience. Whatever God places in your heart to share. I feel so thirsty for the wisdom of mothers like you.

 

[jmjZelie]

My parents practiced NFP after I, (the oldest) was born. I am now one of eight.

Obviously, my parents got along very well.

Awesome! What was that like for you, being the eldest of 8? My oldest, also a daughter, loves being the oldest of many siblings. She is a great girl.

 

[SilverLight]

I am an only child but my mother has four sisters so I have a lot of cousins.

I think having a large family is great. If you want a lot of kids though I think its good to make sure you can afford to take care of all of them first. Have some kind of a plan at least.

 

[bitterhope]

There is a lot of wisdom in what I have bolded.

My husband is a good guy and never treated me as a gate keeper of when we could or could not have sex. He accepted me as a very fertile woman and respected that part of me, as well as the rest of me. Not all men resent their wives fertility.

Couples who are faced with having a large family are blessed in a very different way with joys and crosses that cannot be compared to the crosses and joys of those who struggle with infertility or the hardship of not being able to give in to their natural fertility for a miriad of reasons. Can this thread be for those who’d like to share our experiences, what has worked, what hasn’t, etc? We do not need to drag out every sad story of every couple that resents their child or neglects them because of lack of parenting abilities. Let’s help each other to live the vocation they were called to. I have been called to be a mother of a large family. I’m blessed to be doing so. I know the struggles and the joys and I’d like to help those just beginning the journey. I can’t help those with infertility. I’ll never know that cross. This is where I can help. Let us help each other. Please.

Yes, it’s very difficult. My aunt has struggled with both actually. She had 8 children in less than 7 years–none twins. All were 10 months apart. All of a sudden, no more babies. Her children all started school and they wanted more little ones but none came. She said she doesn’t know which struggle was harder to accept but not both were a struggle to accept. God knows what to give us to help us grow spiritually and usually those are the things that are the hardest to accept.

 

[jmjZelie]

My husband came from a family of seven, and I had two sisters, but the extended family consisted of seven aunts and uncles and lots of cousins.

We both wanted a large family. We had four boys and four girls. Because of all the wonderful family gatherings, especially at Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, and Easter, I wanted the same thing when I got married.

Most of us lived in four family apartments, or down the block, or a few blocks away. Grandma and Grandpa’s basement was where we got together for holiday meals. And, it wasn’t a fancy basement at all, but we didn’t notice that. I don’t remember every being cold or hungry, and we did use some hand-me-down clothes, but my Mom sewed beautifully and started out making our baptismal gown. All the special dresses she made with Simplicity patterns…she sewed for us till we were eighteen years old. I never had a new bicycle, but certainly enjoyed the used ones given by others.

I noticed that at times there were tensions among relatives over some things, but they didn’t last. Thanks be to the Lord there was no alcoholism.

As my children got older they learned how to earn some money from delivering newspapers, pennysavers, shoveling snow in the winter, and some baby sitting for the girls.

We had no savings to speak of…I remember we saved about $225. once, and then something went wrong with the car. What a blessing that my husband’s job came with good medical coverage. We always caught up with bills when we got our tax return.

Now my children and grandchildren are spread out all over the U.S. My youngest daughter and her husband and their two sons live about 5 miles from me. The rest keep in touch at times with family visits,
e-mail, Skype or telephone calls. There are twelve grandchildren now.

The Lord got us through the tough times, and still does.

Wonderful!

Let me think what questions I want to ask you…

I am definitely curious about the planning and carrying out of duties related to cooking and laundry. What kinds of meals did you make for such a large family? Did you ever struggle with doubt or confusion about remaining within God’s will for your family? Did you try to go to Mass altogether or did you take turns going to separate Masses while you had babies and toddlers?

 

[bitterhope]

The most important thing I had to learn was my kids deserve to know they are each important, a necessary part of the family, and perfectly made in the eyes of Our Lord. My kids often feel left out because with their heart problems they aren’t able to participate in many of the activities their friends do. The three that have problems were the prompting for me to introduce art music to our home. It is a true gift to a child to find their talents and have help grooming those talents. They become satisfied and their satisfaction spills over into other parts of life.

 

[jmjZelie]

I am an only child but my mother has four sisters so I have a lot of cousins.

I think having a large family is great. If you want a lot of kids though I think its good to make sure you can afford to take care of all of them first. Have some kind of a plan at least.

We do what we can to live simply enough to make it work. We have a motto “people before things” and when it comes to family size, that plays out in having more people and fewer things per person, and we all share. Food, clothing and shelter are still easily manageable at 7 people, thanks be to God.

 

[jmjZelie]

I suspect LongingSoul is talking about families where “NFP doesn’t work for us” is code for “my husband gets mean if we don’t have sex for two whole weeks” or something along those lines.

This thread is not about that at all. I am asking about a couple deciding together, by mutual agreement, that they would like a larger family, and that they believe that God is leading them there.

 

[LongingSoul]

I have seen a number of internet postings (including on CAF) talking first-hand about the mean abstaining husband problem, so it’s not just people making an unfair assumption–there are guys out there that aren’t blessed with the gift of continence.

Longing Soul, what situations did you have in mind?

There’s a definite sentiment out there that NFP can be contraception if not practiced for very ‘grave’ ie life and death reasons. It’s a product of the distortion of quiverfull movements I believe. But I hate it for the false message it sends to young or new Catholics about what the intrinsically evil aspect of contraception is. It is like a lie that makes people think that if NFP is just contraception anyway, I may as well take the easy pill.

So when people believe that NFP won’t work for them there are some that adopt the quiverfull attitude and it leads to the obsession with the family size of others and also opens them up to other temptations against chastity that they feel are mitigated by their ‘more holy’ overall approach. That’s never good to tolerate.

What do you suggest for those of us that NFP does not work for then? The church doesn’t give us many options. We can’t use birth control other than NFP or abstinence. As someone living in a celibate marriage I can honestly tell you it is not a good situation for a married couple. NFP is not fool proof. I am glad you and some others on here use it successfully year after year, but not all female bodies work in the way instructors and books say they are supposed to. Most NFP couples I have net in real life have multiple unplanned babies of switch to other forms of birth control or sterilization instead. What other options are out there? Become bitter and miserable? Neglect our kids? Take other routes to prevent children? Are those things better than accepting that God may have hand picked our families for us? Maybe learning to align our wills to God’s will isn’t the best option in Catholicism according to some, but according to most priests that us exactly what we are supposed to do.

Not to offend you but this does sound to me like a chronically painful aspect of your life as it is and I wish better for you.

Without requiring you to get personal… have you had it confirmed by an NFP instructor that NFP can’t work for you? Is there some condition that means there is no confirmed green day whatsoever? I learned NFP 30 odd years ago but today it does seem like a complicated science rather than a lifestyle where you cooperate with your body signs over time to feel confident and comfortable with the mysterious but awsome workings of the female body.

Don’t answer those personal questions, but I just throw them in for contemplation because you seem to be suffering muchly and carrying some resentment for your situation and there may be a better way.

Also don’t want to hijack jmjzelies thread.

 

[jaimeleglise]

Excellent blog with organizational tips. Thank you very much for sharing, Xantippe.

 

[pianistclare]

Even then, what is a Catholic couple supposed to do? The Church doesn’t give many options.

And no, my husband is not like that even though I’m 100% positive many people think he is. Maybe a lot of other couples have similar assumptions made about them that also aren’t true

I doubt anyone thinks that. He sounds like a good guy.you talk about him alot and have been very frank about his mourning the twins.

 

[Usige]

What aspects in particular were you interested in?

I come from a (non-Catholic) family of 5 children and my wife and I are expecting baby #7 in the next 4 - 6 weeks. My dad is the 6th of 7 children and I have somewhere between 45 - 50 first cousins. Large families just seem normal to me. I could never have imagined being an only child or having one or two siblings. Oh and my wife and I taught NFP for 6 years, during which 3 of our children we conceived. I always said that NFP worked great for us, I always knew when she would conceive.

My wife and I have often talked about our families of origin. Her father essentially grew up as an only child and was raised by his grandparents after his mom died when he was 7 or 8. She grew up as his only child, but had a couple step and a half-sister, but generally only had one of her stepsisters around from the time she was 5 - 15. So about six months after we started dating she met my whole family for my grandmother’s 80th birthday; all 100+ living decedents at the time. It was a bit eye opening for someone from a family where there might be 10-15 decedents across 3 or 4 generations.

One of the differences we have seen is in a willingness to ask for help. She grew up with an attitude of having to do it herself, but I always knew that I could turn to my brother or sisters if things got tough. When it comes to our parents, my mom and dad have the 5 of us to help them out, but her dad only has her. That puts a larger burden on her.

Now given that I’m the one that came from a large family, you might think it was me that pushed to have a large family. Nope. When we got married I though two would be good. We had our first two and we were done. A surgeon made sure of that. Fast forward 6 years and my wife became Catholic. I drug my feet for 3 years and then I converted too. As part of that I corrected our bad choice after our second child. During those years my wife is the one who encouraged me to get a reversal as she had wanted more children.

So yes, we chose to have a large family. One of my best friends thinks we are absolutely nuts, but I can honestly say I have never regretted having a large family. My only regret is the children I excluded for 8 years of our marriage out of selfishness. There are sacrifices, but both as a kid of a large family and as the father of a brood, I think the trade off is well worth it.

 

[jmjZelie]

Congratulations to both of the expectant parents on this thread, MomaMary8 and Usige! Prayers for both of you and your families and for a comfortable and safe delivery of the new baby!

 

[pensmama87]

Are you familiar with Simcha Fisher? She is a mom of 10. She blogs on Aleteia and the National Catholic Register, and used to blog on Patheos (on my phone so links are difficult.) One blog feature she started not long ago is a weekly roundup of meals.

She also wrote a wonderful book called “The Sinner’s Guide to NFP” that I think is great even for couples who don’t use it.

 

[jmjZelie]

To the parents of larger families who have responded, or who will respond, here a few specific questions

When did your mind and heart begin to truly comprehend and accept that you were meant to have a larger family? What helped that acceptance to come about?

Did you ever have any embarrassment about wishing for another baby, even though your family was already large?

How did you handle the chaos of large family life? Did you become very self-disciplined and organized? Or did you learn to let go of expectations a bit? Or both?

What practical things truly set apart your family from smaller ones, meaning, what practical aspects of your family culture are unique to your family precisely because they came about due to its increasing size? For example, in our family, we color code towels and have special plate designs and toothbrush types for each child. We also use over-the-door hooks for hanging up towels and bathrobes and jackets over. Every. Single. Door. Of. Our. House! . We also have a shoe shelf for everyone’s shoes at the front door. We line up to go places, even for tooth brushing time at the bathroom. We cram many beds in tiny bedrooms. We homeschool. And the list goes on. Our home is weird to others with smaller families, and I LOVE to see how other big families make it work.

 

[jmjZelie]

Are you familiar with Simcha Fisher? She is a mom of 10. She blogs on Aleteia and the National Catholic Register, and used to blog on Patheos (on my phone so links are difficult.) One blog feature she started not long ago is a weekly roundup of meals.

She also wrote a wonderful book called “The Sinner’s Guide to NFP” that I think is great even for couples who don’t use it.

I have read a couple articles by her. But I can’t ask her questions like I can you guys!
But I am not familiar with her work, really, and had no idea that she had such a large family.

 

[bitterhope]

I doubt anyone thinks that. He sounds like a good guy.you talk about him alot and have been very frank about his mourning the twins.

I wish this were true. Most people assume he “can’t keep it in his pants” and they aren’t afraid to voice those assumption. It’s really unfair because he is a wonderfully living husband and father. Everything he does is for us. Of course must of the world isn’t privy to the fact that we are now completely abstaining because this is what HE has chosen. Most people would never understand making that decision. And yeah, many construe it very negatively as well. Talk of infidelity and such, especially with him being a Mexican man. Everybody knows how they view and treat women.

 

[pensmama87]

We only have three so far, but we do the color coding for towels, Toothbrushes, and water bottles. I remember that from when I was a kid, and I figured if I started young it’d be easier than implementing a system after.

One neat idea I’ve heard, though our house is too small, is to put more kids in a room to sleep and then use a bedroom as a closet - keep clothes organized by gender and size rather than by kid.

Our three boys will share a room. The older two have it now because the baby is with us. It’s not a room to play in, just for sleeping.

 

[jmjZelie]

We only have three so far, but we do the color coding for towels, Toothbrushes, and water bottles. I remember that from when I was a kid, and I figured if I started young it’d be easier than implementing a system after.

One neat idea I’ve heard, though our house is too small, is to put more kids in a room to sleep and then use a bedroom as a closet - keep clothes organized by gender and size rather than by kid.

Our three boys will share a room. The older two have it now because the baby is with us. It’s not a room to play in, just for sleeping.

We keep a small wardrobe for each of the little girls and pass down everything that is in good condition. Once one grows out of it, her little sister immediately gets it! And we stick to two clothing brands: Old Navy and Children’s Place, so that everything will mix well together. The youngest ones still get new clothes, but we don’t have to buy as much this way.

Our son is lonely in his own bedroom whereas his sisters are packed in like sardines. I still hope that God will bless us with another son. But knowing His wonderful sense of humor, if we have another baby, it will likely be another girl!

I forgot about the water bottles! We do that, too. That is actually part of their Christmas presents this year. They use their color coded water bottles every day and they have worn them out!

 

[jmjZelie]

I wish this were true. Most people assume he “can’t keep it in his pants” and they aren’t afraid to voice those assumption. It’s really unfair because he is a wonderfully living husband and father. Everything he does is for us. Of course must of the world isn’t privy to the fact that we are now completely abstaining because this is what HE has chosen. Most people would never understand making that decision. And yeah, many construe it very negatively as well. Talk of infidelity and such, especially with him being a Mexican man. Everybody knows how they view and treat women.

Ugh. I hate that he gets that kind of pressure. Everything you have ever said about him is that he is such a good man.