Large Family Dilemma

[SeekingGrace12]

I hear you.

We are expecting our 4th in 6 years of marriage and most of my friends, including those in the Church, have 2 or 3. I don’t know who is contracepting and who is not, but I would also like to find other larger or growing families.

One of the reasons is that I think you have to have a change of approach to parent larger families. If I try to parent 4 kids 5 and under the way my friends parent 2 kids, I will drive myself crazy.

I want examples of how to mother a larger brood gracefully. That is hard to come by.

I’m seeking out O.D. and we have just decided to homeschool so I’m sure we will make connections with likeminded folks in due course.

Blessings to you and your 8!

 

[Aggies08]

Maybe it is WHERE you live.

Around here, 8 wouldn’t even ring the bell. There are many large families here, and they aren’t all Catholic.

I live in the South.

LOL, that’s what I was thinking- we have a large population of… proventialists? as well as Mormons… you see 4, 5,6+ kids at the store with Mom or Dad all the time.

Good luck, OP. Have you tried asking the priest if he knows any other large families? He may be able to give your name to someone or two or three, if you like.

 

[mdleagedguy]

I once felt like you. When I returned to the Catholic Church, there was one family with as many kids as ours, and they only had two still at home. Perhaps you are the vanguard. We have eight, and after ten years there are many families in our parish with five or more. Be strong! For what it’s worth, moms are able to tap into social networks that dads are not able to. If you are looking for people more like you, your wife will find out before you do.

Actually, I’m often still confused and disappointed like you. People like us are an extreme minority, and one that is often disparaged by our society. In fact, our spiritual family is larger than our physical family because we have had as many miscarriages as live births. Consider yourself one of the reproductive elite! I tell people it’s all part of my plot to take over the world. I have plenty of minions ready to do my bidding! Approach it with humor, even if you are uncomfortable inside. You know that you are blessed, even if others don’t realize it.

 

[AnastasiaRomano]

A few things here:
I imagine that larger families are more uncommon in certain parts of the country. Partly because of cultural factors, but also partly because of economic reasons – the cost of living can make it very difficult for large families to live in certain areas.

As others have mentioned, infertility can be a factor. Something like 1 in 5 couples nowadays encounter difficulties conceiving… so while it’s possible that those with only 1 or 2 children are contracepting, it’s also possible that they have medical issues that you don’t know about. Please be gracious to those of us with only a few children, because some of us would love to have large families but can’t conceive.

I understand that the dynamics of large families are different than smaller families, so it’s natural to seek out families that are “like” yours for fellowship. I understand there are religious differences, but could you possibly seek out larger families that belong to other churches to socialize with? I sometimes find that my family has more in common with Protestant adoptive families than other Catholic families…

 

[manualman]

For perspective, you may want to do an ego check there. The catholic approach is to consider children as blessings from God, not trophies to parade as badges of your virility and godliness. You might want to consider the possibility that some of those people you seem to consider beneath your friendship and fellowship have never once in their lives committed the sin of contraception. I’m with you on being appalled by those who make snide comments and are generally hostile to large families. I’m not with you for doing the same to those who don’t.

But then again, I only have three kids, so don’t bother listening to me…

 

[The_Bucket]

I understand being sad that so many people are committing grave sins and wanting to find people who are in the same boat as you. After all, we humans tend to gravitate towards like-minded people.

That said, you need not let the fact that probably 85-90% of American Catholic couples use artificial contraception get to you. I would venture to say a great many of them are completely ignorant of their sin. And I don’t mean that they lie to themselves about it. I mean catechisis took a big hit in terms of priorities as the Church’s influence on communities in America and the rest of the West declined beginning probably in the mid 1960s. So I would say that there is a huge number of Catholics, even pro-life Catholics, who flat out do not know that contraception is immoral. A larger number still are likely totally unaware of NFP and its effectiveness.

Just remember that you should focus on removing the plank from your own eyes before trying to wipe the speck of dust from your brother’s eye. It’s very good to profess the faith and live it out. But we are all sinners and even if other contracept, how do you know what their culpability is? All you know is the culpability you have for your own sin.

If questioned or the discussions come up, do not be meek and boldly profess the teachings of the Church on these matters. But do not do so in a way that accuses others. If you are not questioned, then just live the faith through your actions.

In other words, do not be troubled by anyone’s sins but your own. Today the big problems are contraception. Fifty years ago they were racism. One hundred and fifty years ago it was slavery. Hundreds of years ago in the Middle Ages it was nonstop violence against one another in the name of God. Murder was constant, pogroms against Jews were condoned and military Crusades to wipe out Muslims in the Holy Land were openly endorsed by the Church. Sin will always be with us.

 

[Bill_Martin]

The economy is poor and kids are expensive. Having more kids than you can afford to take care of is irresponsible and I think that many couples are not in a financial position to support a large family.

 

[Demetra2]

It is wonderful that you are your wife are converts to the faith (I am also.) Perhaps God is using your large family as a beautiful example to other Catholics in your faith journey. I wish that I could have had more children but due to health issues I count my blessings with two children. Be careful not to assume anything when people have small families because like in my case it was out of my control. When my dauhgter was in Catholic middle school her best friend was from a family of 8 kids and often this young girl would comment that our family should have had more children. I found those comments irritating to say the least.

 

[linny1974]

I wish we could have a large family, although we are blessed with 3 children right now & trying for more, but I suffer with infertility and we didn’t have our 1st child until I was 30, after many years of trying. And now, I’ve had 3 c-sections, so after our 4th, we’ll probably have to practice NFP to avoid another pregnancy, due to the risk of 5+ c-sections. Sometimes, you don’t realize what other couples are going through or what challenges they are facing in their families. I’d love to have 6+ kids, but sadly, it’s not something I see happening in the future, unless we adopt, which we are very open to. I love hanging out with large families & find them to be fun & inspirational. So, just because a family may seem small to you, they may connect with you in other ways, and you could both benefit from a friendship. As the saying goes, don’t judge a book by its cover or a couple by the number of children they have.

 

[Ellyakamommy]

I used to live in Northeren CA and maybe went to the same opus dei events/groups as you ??? LOL…one thing I noticed then was that most of them were younger people. Maybe they will have 8 kids one day…they just haven’t gotten there yet. give them time.

I don’t live in Northern Ca, but as a younger mom following church teaching, I’ve only got 4 to show for it so far, so perhaps you do know other families, they just haven’t ‘leveled up’ yet

 

[leonie]

We have larger size families in our homeschool community. You might try there.

We have friends with large and small size families. We love them all.

Though when I need encouragement it helps to be with similar size families. I find the daily grind sometimes difficult and my mom friendswith big broods will laugh and lament with me laundry loads and driving 15 passenger behemoth. And they will reassure me that giving up vacations and wearing hand me downs and forgoing dance and karate lessons for the sake of loving one more child is worth it. And, that I am not a freak for having a 19 yr old and a 1 year old at the same time.

So, I understand the need for a community that supports the sacrifices and reminds you of the blessings in times of discouragement.

Praising one path is not a criticism of another. So stop being so defensive, people.

 

[maryjk]

For perspective, you may want to do an ego check there. The catholic approach is to consider children as blessings from God, not trophies to parade as badges of your virility and godliness. You might want to consider the possibility that some of those people you seem to consider beneath your friendship and fellowship have never once in their lives committed the sin of contraception. I’m with you on being appalled by those who make snide comments and are generally hostile to large families. I’m not with you for doing the same to those who don’t.

But then again, I only have three kids, so don’t bother listening to me…

That applies to me too.

I only have …

One.

 

[PaulGH]

I am located in the Central Valley of California. Does anyone know of a parish or fellowship group that has large families in it?

I don’t know about that area of California specifically, but I would recommend that you look for any Catholic homeschool groups in your area. Sometimes these groups are informal and difficult to find, but that is where you are most likely to find larger Catholic families, in my experience. Even if you don’t decide to homeschool your kids, it may help to connect with these larger homeschooling families for support.

And thank you for being open to life!

 

[EasterJoy]

Maybe it is WHERE you live.

Around here, 8 wouldn’t even ring the bell. There are many large families here, and they aren’t all Catholic.

I live in the South.

Where I grew up, eight was medium-large. Large was 10-12, and huge was 16–but not unheard-of. Now the larger families typically have six. The contemporary parents married after college instead of after high school, though. Also, natural family planning is more advanced now than it once was. I think parents are also more exhausted now. (My mother, who had twice the children of her daughters-in-law, said she thought her DILs had far more hectic motherhoods.)

Even in my parent’s time, though, families with just two or with only children were hardly unknown. There was no birth control, people didn’t pry about whether they were “trying”, so they got sympathy, not judgement. Keep in mind: Those who now have only one or with none may be using birth control, but they also may be good Catholics who refuse artificial means of conception. When nature takes its course, there are no guarantees.