Large family & rude strangers

[puzzleannie]

I’m the oldest of 5. There is about a 7 year difference between myself and the youngest two [twins]. My parents always got the stereotypical “Oh you must be Catholic” comments followed by “you have your hands full!”

.

DD has gotten this a couple of times, she says, no, we’re Mormon

 

[kristacecilia]

I have three ( 4 1/2, 2 1/2, and 5 months) and I get the “you have your hands full” comment all the time.

My kids are usually well behaved when we are out and you can tell the most people are just saying it to be nice and don’t mean anything negative by it. To those people I say, "Yes, but I am loving every minute of it!! " or “Nah, they aren’t full yet. We could handle a dozen or so more” in a playful sort of way.

I don’t get them often, but occasionally someone says the same comment in a very negative way accompanied by dirty looks or an additional comment like “better you than me”. I have had to bite my tongue and force a small smile more than once because what I really wanted to say to them is “Yeah, I agree… better me than you.” or something about how rude they are, but my mother raised me better than that.

 

[leonie]

The best response I ever heard was so simple. It came from a Baptist homeschooling dad of six.

He said, “We love children.” It was so sincere and lovely.

That’s the one I’ve adopted.

 

[Belle10]

Look at them and say “were you a virgin when you got married”? When they go say “Oh, I thought we were asking each other detailed personal questions, my mistake”. And walk away.

The door swings both ways. My son was an only child, it was not our intention, but that was the way God willed it, we had no say in the matter.

When the 3 of us walked down the ailse I could feel stairs on our backs. I couldn’t help but think the large families thought we were selfish, “they’re too wrapped up in their yuppie world etc.” It probably didn’t help my wife worked/works in a professional career.

Whether any of that is true or not I dunno.

It wasn’t all that bad when he was young but by the time he reached 10 we often heard comments, “your wife must be career minded,” “how do you keep from spoiling him?” “Having only one must be nice.”

Outside of the parish, we heard, “y’all must not be real Catholics.” in a joking manner.

It was not that big a deal becaue we learned to deal with it. But like the OP sez, it was just rude.

:hug1:

The best response I ever heard was so simple. It came from a Baptist homeschooling dad of six.

He said, “We love children.” It was so sincere and lovely.

That’s the one I’ve adopted.

 

[SeekerJen]

The door swings both ways. My son was an only child, it was not our intention, but that was the way God willed it, we had no say in the matter.

When the 3 of us walked down the ailse I could feel stairs on our backs. I couldn’t help but think the large families thought we were selfish, “they’re too wrapped up in their yuppie world etc.” It probably didn’t help my wife worked/works in a professional career.

Whether any of that is true or not I dunno.

It wasn’t all that bad when he was young but by the time he reached 10 we often heard comments, “your wife must be career minded,” “how do you keep from spoiling him?” “Having only one must be nice.”

Outside of the parish, we heard, “y’all must not be real Catholics.” in a joking manner.

It was not that big a deal becaue we learned to deal with it. But like the OP sez, it was just rude.

Yeah, my parents got that too (I’m an only). Now that DH and I are apparently unable to have children, I’m sure people are saying it behind our backs, especially as I’m a full time grad student.

I wish people would just mind their own businesses and act charitably regardless.

 

[Galnextdoor]

I come from a family of 10. When people would make rude remarks to my mother like don’t you know what causes that? (When she was pregnant.)
Usually she just said mind your own business. If they started in about overpopulation, she would tell them the United States has a negative population growth and **somebody **has got to populate the world.
I heard that the population growth in the United States was even at this time because the immigrants and their large families.
My brother, who had 6 children before his baby died at the daycare, tells overpopulationists that all the people in the world could have 2000 square feet of land and still fit in the state of Texas.

My brother-in-law, who is the father of 7, says, “You’re just jealous because I’m having so much fun.”

I don’t know why people think it’s their business to comment on the number of children people have.

The doctors told me I would never have children. When I had one, I would get it from all sides. People would lecture me on how selfish it was to have only one child. Other people would say I thought Catholics didn’t believe in birth control. Other people would say you need to get busy and have another one. etc. When my daughter was in the second grade, I had another premie baby. He ended up with numerous disabilities. Now people come up to me and say, “I see why you stopped with two.” Go figure. I think that when someone has a child people just feel like they have a right to put in their :twocents:

 

[rpp]

Of all the things that infuriate me, it is the smugness and self-righteousness of people who scold others on the size of their family.

I recall several years ago, before my conversion to the Church I think, seeing this at the grocery store where I usually shop. A rather pretty pregnant lady with three or four young, yet well behaved children were with her. Some skinny and woman dressed in the bedraggled way that only a true lesbian greenie from the Pacific Northwest would came up to her and said something like, “Wow. You are really are anti-environment. You should get your tubes tied.” She said this rather loudly so that others nearby, like me, could hear it.

I was shocked that someone would be so absolutely rude and make such a grotesue insult to a perfect stranger. If I recall correctly, this poor mother this poor mother just looked at her and said nothing as this cruel excuse of a woman stalked away.

I must admit that I became instantly angry and I responded cruely to her. As this mean woman walked past me I made a very cruel comment. I quietly said something like, “You could make up for her by killing yourself.” She glared at me then took a stance as if she was going to hit me. I said, “Go ahead. I think you deserve to be in prison for assault.” She backed down and stalked away.

I was not very kind to this mean woman. What I did and said to her was very wrong. As I said, it was before my conversion to the Catholic church. I was an atheist at the time, but, being the second youngest of six kids, I completely understand why some people like larege families and the advantages of having many children and siblings bring.

As I recall, the young mother saw the brief confrontation between me and the woman who insulted her. I made brief eye contact with her and flashed her a smile. I do not recall that she reacted in any way. I think she was just stunned by the whole thing.

I will say that someone going after a mother, especially a pregnant one, has always been one of my hot buttons. My instinct is to rush to their defense, even if they are a stranger. On this occassion, I returned insult for insult and I was wrong to do so.

Bottom line, if you insult a mother around me, especially in front of her children, get ready to run.

 

[JKS]

I have three ( 4 1/2, 2 1/2, and 5 months) and I get the “you have your hands full” comment all the time.

Yeah, but when I’m out with all eight, people are usually speechless.

I don’t get them often, but occasionally someone says the same comment in a very negative way accompanied by dirty looks or an additional comment like “better you than me”. Huge grin, “Umm, you said it, not me!”.

 

[whatevergirl]

Hahaha! I am SOOO going to say that someday! We have one child so far and we’re open to however many God wants to bless us with.

I come from a large family…I have 6 sisters and 1 brother…so I felt for this lady when she brought her big group of boys into the pharmacy a few years back. I was one of the clerks and she was standing in line looking a little frazzled and her boys were having a field day in the gift shop. The man standing in front of her in line made some awful snide comment like, “That is why I buy this” and slaps a box of condoms on the counter to be rung up.

I was in total shock and couldn’t even ring the guy up so I let my friend do it. I wish I had thought of something to say…I even wish I had complimented the lady on how she must be a wonderful mother, etc.

That’s horrible. Remember, Jesus heard people mocking Him, and He often said nothing…sometimes, it’s better to be silent and just pray for people who say such terrible things. That IS shocking though. I don’t get why people feel that others care what they think about their family size.

 

[LovingHim]

The door swings both ways. My son was an only child, it was not our intention, but that was the way God willed it, we had no say in the matter.

When the 3 of us walked down the ailse I could feel stairs on our backs. I couldn’t help but think the large families thought we were selfish, “they’re too wrapped up in their yuppie world etc.” It probably didn’t help my wife worked/works in a professional career.

Whether any of that is true or not I dunno.

It wasn’t all that bad when he was young but by the time he reached 10 we often heard comments, “your wife must be career minded,” “how do you keep from spoiling him?” “Having only one must be nice.”

Outside of the parish, we heard, “y’all must not be real Catholics.” in a joking manner.

It was not that big a deal becaue we learned to deal with it. But like the OP sez, it was just rude.

We’ve been there too. It’s just as hard, if not more so when you have only one or two, or, like us, zero, when you’ve wanted nothing more than a large family and are truly open to how ever many blessings God gives you. We can’t help issues of health or infertility or miscarriage loss. Don’t ever forget we are just as open to life as they. Maybe when you leave this world you will discover many unknown children that have preceded you to heaven.

 

[whatevergirl]

We’ve been there too. It’s just as hard, if not more so when you have only one or two, or, like us, zero, when you’ve wanted nothing more than a large family and are truly open to how ever many blessings God gives you. We can’t help issues of health or infertility or miscarriage loss. Don’t ever forget we are just as open to life as they. **Maybe when you leave this world you will discover many unknown children that have preceded you to heaven. **

**Oh my gosh, that is a beautiful statement.

My dh and I have two kids, and sadly, we didn’t come to the realization of Church teachings on marital sexuality until last year. I had been on and off the pill, for mainly hormone reasons, but just feel badly that we had been ignorant for all those years. If God were to bless us w/another child at this stage of life, I’m soon to be 40 and he soon to be 50, then it’s His will.

I haven’t had anyone comment though. I don’t see large families that much in church anymore. And when you do, they get strange stares from those around them. **

 

[fyrefly]

Of all the things that infuriate me, it is the smugness and self-righteousness of people who scold others on the size of their family.

I recall several years ago, before my conversion to the Church I think, seeing this at the grocery store where I usually shop. A rather pretty pregnant lady with three or four young, yet well behaved children were with her. Some skinny and woman dressed in the bedraggled way that only a true lesbian greenie from the Pacific Northwest would came up to her and said something like, “Wow. You are really are anti-environment. You should get your tubes tied.” She said this rather loudly so that others nearby, like me, could hear it.

I was shocked that someone would be so absolutely rude and make such a grotesue insult to a perfect stranger. If I recall correctly, this poor mother this poor mother just looked at her and said nothing as this cruel excuse of a woman stalked away.

I must admit that I became instantly angry and I responded cruely to her. As this mean woman walked past me I made a very cruel comment. I quietly said something like, “You could make up for her by killing yourself.” She glared at me then took a stance as if she was going to hit me. I said, “Go ahead. I think you deserve to be in prison for assault.” She backed down and stalked away.

I was not very kind to this mean woman. What I did and said to her was very wrong. As I said, it was before my conversion to the Catholic church. I was an atheist at the time, but, being the second youngest of six kids, I completely understand why some people like larege families and the advantages of having many children and siblings bring.

As I recall, the young mother saw the brief confrontation between me and the woman who insulted her. I made brief eye contact with her and flashed her a smile. I do not recall that she reacted in any way. I think she was just stunned by the whole thing.

I will say that someone going after a mother, especially a pregnant one, has always been one of my hot buttons. My instinct is to rush to their defense, even if they are a stranger. On this occassion, I returned insult for insult and I was wrong to do so.

Bottom line, if you insult a mother around me, especially in front of her children, get ready to run.

Well, it may have been over the top to tell her to kill herself, but it makes a good point—why does SHE think she has more right to be alive, and not the baby??? She ought to give her own parents the “green talk”… That is pretty galling that she said that to the lady—a similar experience happened to me when I was pregnant with only my first child----young pregnant women look like easy targets to verbally abuse I guess. “How COULD you decide to get pregnant??” and then those huffs and puffs of rudeness from none other than women who see you pregnant while changing the diaper of another child. I was pretty hormonal the second, third, and fourth time around… and as I get older, * a little *less afraid to speak up. Nobody expects a pregnant woman to speak her mind to rude strangers but when it does happen, they scatter like roaches.

 

[Ruthie]

I joined the Church when I was already menopausal. I had used the pill for many years before that. I also had a conversion experience… Before this I used to hate screaming babies and whiny toddlers.

One day at Mass, there was a real cutie in the pew in front of me, about 18 months, I think. He was flirting with me through his mother’s long hair. At the end of Mass, we were getting up to leave, and I took one last look at his little hand holding his mother’s hair, and I was literally struck to my knees when I suddenly realized what I had been depriving God of, all those years. I’m sure it was Our Lady’s intervention.

Anyway, now babies’ crying just makes me think, “There’s another little blessing!” And I smile at whiny toddlers. And I just have a ***huge ***grin when I see a big family.

Especially now that I am great-aunt to the sweetest twins in the world!!! Today is their one-week birthday, and we just got back from visiting.

Ruthie

 

[whatevergirl]

I joined the Church when I was already menopausal. I had used the pill for many years before that. I also had a conversion experience… Before this I used to hate screaming babies and whiny toddlers.

One day at Mass, there was a real cutie in the pew in front of me, about 18 months, I think. He was flirting with me through his mother’s long hair. At the end of Mass, we were getting up to leave, and I took one last look at his little hand holding his mother’s hair, and I was literally struck to my knees when I suddenly realized what I had been depriving God of, all those years. I’m sure it was Our Lady’s intervention.

Anyway, now babies’ crying just makes me think, “There’s another little blessing!” And I smile at whiny toddlers. And I just have a ***huge ***grin when I see a big family.

Especially now that I am great-aunt to the sweetest twins in the world!!! Today is their one-week birthday, and we just got back from visiting.

Ruthie

That’s a great story, Ruthie.

 

[juliasmith]

We have five. While I was pregnant with #5 I still worked at the hospital. One of the 2nd year residents was a friend. When he found I was pregnant he was shocked and made a comment to the effect of "you know what causes that, right?’
He then proceeded to get downright indignant about it. I told him that as long we are not on welfare, can feed, clothe, and house ours, what did he care? The guy that was ringing us up in the cafeteria smiled really big at us and said “I’ve got nine.” He then looks up Dr Smartypants and says “I’m gonna die surrounded by loved ones, how 'bout you?”
I hugged him before going back on shift. It was so sweet.

 

[LovingHim]

The guy that was ringing us up in the cafeteria smiled really big at us and said “I’ve got nine.” He then looks up Dr Smartypants and says “I’m gonna die surrounded by loved ones, how 'bout you?”
I hugged him before going back on shift. It was so sweet.

This IS beautiful, but don’t use it. While some blessed parents of large families do in fact have lots more company for holidays, or when they age, take ill, or are dying, it’s not the case with all. In my former career of nursing I saw countless mothers and fathers of large families (many were indeed catholic, some Jewish, others protestant Christian) with only one or two (or even none ) of like six or eight (or more!) who still kept in touch regularly (or at all! .) And, the smaller families who were only able to have two or three or so, surprisingly all kept in good touch, and had weekly and even daily visits. I am TOTALLY for large families, I believe if God’s blessing you with life, it’s the greatest blessing to receive it with joy and gratitude. I’m only saying, from much personal experience, that this is really not the best of lines to use as it can easily backfire in both directions. But, I am SO thankful that that man was there to make a stand for life! He will be blessed, as will you for being so open to God’s blessing of life.

 

[leonie]

My dh has said to co-workers, “What legacy are you leaving on this world? Are you leaving a house, a nice truck? My legacy is eternal–my children.”

I’m pretty impressed with this response, esp. since my dh isn’t Catholic. I overheard him telling this story to another person. He never told me directly that this how he responds to these types of comments from co-workers.

 

[Happywife]

We have eight dc our oldest is ten. After we had number 5 we noticed a remarkedly lower number of times we heard “You’ve got your hands full!” But as we’ve grown to a family with 8 kids, we hear more serious questions… They want an answer, not just a cliche.

And if I hear a cliche, I don’t answer, I smile, that makes people fumble, then they will ask me a real question. Then I get to really talk.

A fun thing we used to do when we had 6 was, our fifth child’s eyes had just started to turn brown like mine, all the others had blue like dh’s. When someone would ask “Is this it?” meaning was our baby the last one. Dh would wink at me and say, “We’re trying for a brown eyed one”. Then the person would look at each child and then say “Hey he has brown eyes!” We’d all laugh, either they’d leave it at that or they’d ask more questions.

On a side note, the questions are fine, but we’ve tried to hurry in and out of a store before and can’t get through the store in a timely way because of the questions. Sometimes I wait in the car or dh does with the children (weather permitting) just so we can get through faster.

 

[jwatza]

We have 8 boys and i do get tired of people asking me if we are trying for a girl or a baseball team. I just want to say “How many people do you know have this many boys because they are trying for a girl? Most stop at 2 or 3 boys before giving up that idea! We are not trying for a girl–we are just being open to the gifts that God chooses to give us!”

ok that was my rant. Seriously though, i always try to be cheerful and positive to those who have questions because I think that most people are just brainwashed by our society to think that having many children is not doable. I want to show them that children are a blessing from God and to maybe just plant a seed in their heart that maybe they too could try for one more soul.

For those who are worried about the burden of children, overpopulation… I always want to tell them that it will be my children that end up paying their social security, so they should be thankful that someone is having kids! I usually refrain and give them some polite and cheerful comment, though.

 

[leonie]

We have 8 boys and i do get tired of people asking me if we are trying for a girl or a baseball team. .

I had an acquaintance who had 8 boys. With every pregnancy, she would be asked if they were trying for a girl. She would say sincerely, “No, we don’t want to add a room on our house!”

Their ninth baby was a girl.