Laying the groundwork with MIL

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Ok, dh has decided that he will be having his mother move in with us. There’s nothing I can do to stop that.

Now, how do I lay the ground work with her so as so avoid future problems? How do I respectfully stand my ground so that she doesn’t attempt to take over, cause friction, bring more negativity and criticism?

If I have no say in her coming, then I must ensure she doesn’t become another authoritative figure, beside my dh, or try to replace me.

I’m prepared to let this marriage crumble as a result of his choice, but I REFUSE to be a doormat to her.

Any suggestions?
 
No physical violence. There is emotional and psychological mistreatment for past 20 years. Therapy, Retrouvaille, WWME, priests, have not improved our marriage.
 
Ok. 20 years of being subject to this ongoing situation will have had a big impact.

I feel you are focussing on the mil and potential authoritarian and negative impact, as a way of blocking it out with your hubby.

Can you and hubby go and see a therapist before mil moves in. It seems you cannot have the discussion you are having with us with him.
And you need to. Especially the marriage crumbling part that you are happy to watch happen. And that’s ok to want that and be a passive passenger in that, after 20 years.

If he went through all that counselling , he should be open to visiting a therapist with you now to talk about the mil issue
 
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Cecilia - My first post was seeking words of encouragement.

This post is seeking ways to minimize the impending damage. I was asking for ways I could maintain control of myself and my role as the mother in the household.

I can no longer fight her coming, so I’m seeking ways to COPE with it.
 
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I’m using this platform to vent openly since I have no one I can confide in.

I don’t want to tell my parents and have them thinking negatively of him.

I just have nowhere else to release all my frustrations.
 
Could you show these threads to your hubby. Say, here read this because I just can’t talk to you about this

Would he read them and think about how you are feeling.
 
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I am so sorry. I know exactly what you’re going through-I was there myself (not the MIL part, but the emotional abuse).
The best thing I can tell you is to sit both her and your husband down, and lay down the law. “This is my and my husband’s home. There are certain ways I like things done. You are welcome to stay here (I know you don’t REALLY mean that, but say it anyway), but you must understand that there will be NO usurping my authority as wife and mother. What I say goes when it comes to how this household is run. If you have suggestions, I welcome them, but I am free to implement them or not. If you are not willing to live under these conditions, then it may be best for you to stay where you are, in your own house, and wait until you can sell it and buy a house of your own closer to us.”
 
no1special said:
This post is seeking ways to minimize the impending damage. I was asking for ways I could maintain control of myself and my role as the mother in the household.

I can no longer fight her coming, so I’m seeking ways to COPE with it.
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I’m sure you know it’s going to be very difficult, with hubby taking her side instead of acting like a husband.

I suggest you give some serious thought to which battles are most worth fighting. You won’t be able to fight everything she does and everything she says. So what is most important? What does she say and do that are most disrespectful to you and your marriage?

Then you can decide how to handle those particular battles (perhaps discuss with your priest?). What exactly does “putting your foot down” mean in each of the non-negotiable situations?

Most of all, pray for strength to stay calm when dealing with her. If you blow up at her, yell at her, etc., it will only feed her “poor me” narrative to your husband.
 
Ring her up and ask her if she wants to move in. Chances are she would prefer privacy, independence and her own place.
 
Roseeurekacross said:
Ring her up and ask her if she wants to move in. Chances are she would prefer privacy, independence and her own place.
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Related: How about sending her some cute local listings of houses or condos suitable for an older lady on her own?
 
Could her son be telling her she is moving in , rather then asking her.

Let me think hmm. If I had means to buy or rent my own place, I could visit 5 grandkids then leave ASAP when I wanted, use my own kitchen and bathroom, why would I move in with the married kids.

Ps does she have pets.

It might be time to adopt that cute mini pig…

Seriously, have you rung and spoken to her. Maybe she feels she can’t say no either.

And what will happen with her almost paid off house
 
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Do you even have a separate room for her?

If you’ve got a house full of kids, you may not have room.

Also, if MIL is not used to living with such a large group, she may not realize what a zoo it’s going to be.

Older people get used to peace and quiet.

Here’s another idea–have her come down for a couple weeks to try it out. All three adults need to vote YES for it to happen. Make sure husband is inconvenienced as much as you are.

(Important: BEFORE she sells her house.)
 
no1special said:
There is emotional and psychological mistreatment for past 20 years
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So, you’ve been married for 20 years? And you are part of a new mother’s group? Where are you from? Is the situation with your MIL common in your culture?

It seems like you are in a situation that would be unique to most people on this forum.
 
Roseeurekacross said:
Could her son be telling her she is moving in , rather then asking her.

Let me think hmm. If I had means to buy or rent my own place, I could visit 5 grandkids then leave ASAP when I wanted, use my own kitchen and bathroom, why would I move in with the married kids.

Ps does she have pets.

It might be time to adopt that cute mini pig…

Seriously, have you rung and spoken to her. Maybe she feels she can’t say no either.

And what will happen with her almost paid off house
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I suspect he’s telling her to move in. Why? I have NO idea. Yes, she has an incontinent dog that is very old. About a month ago, she and I briefly spoke in passing and she had mentioned “staying with us” but she didn’t say dh told her to, or that she was going to do it, or until she found a house to buy. It wasn’t something dh and I talked about so I didn’t take her seriously. In retrospect, I think he’s been telling her to move in with us for quite some time.

I’m hoping she uses the proceeds of the sale of her house to buy her own over here.
 
Talk to her, make a friend of her, start talking units or condos or apartments with her. Go see some.
She may be unhappy about this too.

If she sold her home and moved in with you guys, what happens to her money,

What is she going to be charged to live with you guys. What do your kids think about nan moving in.

you can get nappies for old incontinent dogs.
 
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Xantippe said:
Do you even have a separate room for her?

If you’ve got a house full of kids, you may not have room.

Also, if MIL is not used to living with such a large group, she may not realize what a zoo it’s going to be.

Older people get used to peace and quiet.

Here’s another idea–have her come down for a couple weeks to try it out. All three adults need to vote YES for it to happen. Make sure husband is inconvenienced as much as you are.

(Important: BEFORE she sells her house.)
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We have a sleeper sofa in the living room and a homeschooling room with all school supplies.

I really don’t think she’ll care about all the kids. She’ll just use her controlling ways to keep my kids in line. My kids will grow to RESENT her all on their own. Trust me.

She’s not an “older” person either. She’s the same age as MY mother who is perfectly able bodied.

As for her coming for a trial period, DH would be working most of the time and he will not be “inconvenienced” as I would be.
 
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So she won’t even have a private room to herself. Hmm. Talk to her, tell her that
 
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