Laying the groundwork with MIL

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1Lord1Faith said:
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no1special:
There is emotional and psychological mistreatment for past 20 years
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So, you’ve been married for 20 years? And you are part of a new mother’s group? Where are you from? Is the situation with your MIL common in your culture?

It seems like you are in a situation that would be unique to most people on this forum.
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I’m in a “new to the area” mother’s group. We moved to a completely different state in the US.

No, it’s not a “culture” thing for us to take MIL in. Dh just WANTS to do it. I don’t know the reason why.

I may be in a unique situation in that I’ve been living in this marriage for 20 years and I’ve finally given up hope for my marriage. This “straw” has definitely broken my back.
 
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Were you living in the same state as her, then moved away, now your hubby wants mum to move to the same state
 
Roseeurekacross said:
Were you living in the same state as her, then moved away, now your hubby wants mum to move to the same state
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We lived one state over from her. About 1.5 hours away. And we only saw each other about TWICE a YEAR.
 
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You only saw her twice a year, or hubby also?

What happens to the proceeds of the sale of her house?
 
no1special said:
We have a sleeper sofa in the living room and a homeschooling room with all school supplies.
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That does not sound comfy for an older lady who is used to her own home.

That alone makes this idea ridiculous. No older lady is going to tolerate sleeping on a living room sofa bed for the rest of her life.

“Older” compared to you.
no1special said:
We lived one state over from her. About 1.5 hours away. And we only saw each other about TWICE a YEAR.
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Wow, that doesn’t sound very promising.

It’s a big jump to go from seeing her twice a year to having her sleeping in your living room.

Also, that’s extremely inconvenient long-term for everybody if the bedtimes don’t line up perfectly–MIL wants to sleep, the rest of the family wants to watch TV, etc. With 5 kids, you need your living room.
 
Does she know she is getting a couch in a living room

Do you guys have dogs
 
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Does hubby make all the decisions

If she gets a room, someone gets the couch in the living room, right?
 
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Roseeurekacross said:
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no1special:
we usually decide things together.
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What’s changed about this, even down to who sleeps where
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In the past month, I had resolved to be more submissive to him as the head of our family. I told him I was working to take my rightful place and not usurp his authority.

However, the hierarchy structure seems to have gotten to his head. He is now undoing my rules with the kids, etc. And now he has decided MIL will stay with us.

It’s become an abuse of his power.
 
Xantippe said:
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no1special:
We have a sleeper sofa in the living room and a homeschooling room with all school supplies.
Click to expand...
That does not sound comfy for an older lady who is used to her own home.

That alone makes this idea ridiculous. No older lady is going to tolerate sleeping on a living room sofa bed for the rest of her life.

“Older” compared to you.
no1special said:
We lived one state over from her. About 1.5 hours away. And we only saw each other about TWICE a YEAR.
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Also, that’s extremely inconvenient long-term for everybody if the bedtimes don’t line up perfectly–MIL wants to sleep, the rest of the family wants to watch TV, etc. With 5 kids, you need your living room.
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I’m hoping the reality of the inconvenience for her will be enough to make her decide against it.
 
Dacinom said:
Sadly, you have a misunderstanding of Church teaching on this matter. Husbands are as Christ, to lay down their lives. Wives are to submit when a husband is like this.
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I’m praying for St. Rita’s intercession, who was also married to a very difficult man.
 
As the others have said, you need to speak up now. Your husband should not be making decisions unilaterally - you need to take action. Don’t hope your MIL will decide she doesn’t like the arrangements because what will happen is she’ll tell your husband and he’ll change things to accommodate her. It’s your house too - you have as much a say as your husband.
 
I second the idea of looking for a new home for her.
" MIL, I know you will want to find your own place as soon as possible because I know you will want to escape from 5 children and sleeping on the sofa. I found these nice little homes for you to buy when you are ready. Perhaps you should come for a visit and we can take a look at them. I would be happy to drive you around. " Act completely clueless that your husband thinks this is a permanent thing, her living at your home.

"The children will be so happy that they can spend so much time with you, and DH and I will be able to go out alone with you staying in our home to watch all the kids! " 😉
 
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Irishmom2 said:
"The children will be so happy that they can spend so much time with you, and DH and I will be able to go out alone with you staying in our home to watch all the kids! " 😉
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I wanted to like that one five times.
 
Irishmom2 said:
I second the idea of looking for a new home for her.
" MIL, I know you will want to find your own place as soon as possible because I know you will want to escape from 5 children and sleeping on the sofa. I found these nice little homes for you to buy when you are ready. Perhaps you should come for a visit and we can take a look at them. I would be happy to drive you around. " Act completely clueless that your husband thinks this is a permanent thing, her living at your home.

"The children will be so happy that they can spend so much time with you, and DH and I will be able to go out alone with you staying in our home to watch all the kids! " 😉
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I have to remember that her living arrangements will not be the most comfortable for her. I’m praying that she’ll be desperate to find a house asap and I’ll make myself available to ensure she finds it!! It’ll be my most passionate mission!
 
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Thank you everyone for being my shoulder to cry on. I’m most grateful 😊
 
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