Leave his mother and father

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wifeNmom.02

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My mother and father in-law like to guy us groceries and diapers and many other things, they even wanted to put a down payment on our house for us. Me and my husband are strugglin right now with money, so it is a blessing. We’ve been married 2 yrs. with 2 babies.
Part of me can’t help but think that they are injuring us in the sense that we aren’t learning to grow through the struggles, b/c they are always there to give money. Please, I hate to sound ungrateful. 😦 But I just feel like it would be good for us to struggle, and not have mom and dad to be there when we fall.
Do you understand and what do you think? :confused:
 
If it were just you and your husband, I would agree that they are doing more harm than good. However, with two babies you are truly blessed to have them assist in the manner they are able.

You are still the parents of those two little ones. By having some financial pressures relieved you have the opportunity to focus more on your marriage and developing your parental skills. Your parents will not be around forever, and chances are they will not be able to provide financial support for long, so please use this time wisely.

Speak with your husband about this. Perhaps you may agree to continue to allow your parents to assist financially with items for the children, but not for the two of you - thus allowing the two of you to work on securing your future without putting the children at risk. Put a time limit on it - 2 years? 3? How long do you think it will take to get on your own two feet? As the two of you build your financial base you will be able to expand it to include your two children thus showing your parents that you managed to establish your own foundation because of their support, for which you are most grateful.

Keep them in your prayers and don’t waste a minute of this blessing. Trust me, you and your husband will have many, many years to ‘struggle’ on your own. Better later - after you and he have grown secure in your relationship and in your commitment to each other and your children - than early on in your marriage.
 
YinYangMom,
Thank you so much! What you wrote made me smile, I knew that my thinking needed to be tweeked a little!
 
Let me begin by saying “blessed are the poor”, but that doesn’t mean putting yourself – intentionally – in the line of jepordizing the financial stability of your family. I would think of the generosity of your parents as a blessing and evaluate it in prayer and fasting.

Let me also share with you my own experience… My wife and I have been married for five years, we have two kids (three and two). When we got pregnant with our first child, my parents bought us a rocking chair. On news of #2, they gave us a minivan. They later gave us a large sum of money for a downpayment on a house. Looking back, I think it would be easy to take for granted the blessing they have bestowed on us, but I genuinely don’t think we have – because of their generosity, we have been able to respect life in a fuller sense and not injuring our marriage with birth control and the like has been invaluable. We talk, frequently, about the role that their generosity has played in our family, and we tlak about it with them. For us, it has worked out quite well.

…ultimately, you’ll have to make the call because you know all the details of your situation, but from where I’m standing, it seems a bit foolhardy to throw caution to the wind. Work to ween yourselves from dependance on them, but do not just cut yourselves off cold-turkey, it could be catestrophic.

pax,
Corey
 
Your parents (yes, in-laws are your parents too) only want to help. They are not trying to run your life (I hope) and they want to make sure your (expecially the grand children) always have enought to eat.

My partents did the same thing when we were first married. However, I insisted my father (I should have done this) keep a record of all monies exchanged and I would repay him (with the exception of known gifts, i.e. birthdays, Chistmast).

It took 10 years, but we did pay every penny off (though dad would not take interest).

They helped us survive during the struggling years, when they get older, I fully expect to return the favor (no repayment required).

If they are doing it out of love - great.
If they are doing it expecting something in return - worry.
 
Hmm I totally agree with dhgray…

My parents can only give very little to us, as we’re so far away and it’s not like they can come over with a new couch or minivan to give us 🙂 Aside from that, they still have a few of my siblings that they are supporting and can’t really afford to give a lot, monetarily, to my husband and I. (We have been married one year.) Regardless, when they do give, it is STRAIGHT from their heart and it usually brings me to tears to think of their generosity. (It reminds me of the parable of the woman who gave very little, but it was all that she had, and Jesus appreciated her sacrifice all the more.) My parents are doing fine financially, they just have other responsibilities to spend their fruits upon. They recently bought me a plane ticket home and I was soooooooooooo thankful for the opportunity to see them again. 🙂

My husband’s parents, however, ONLY give when they want something in return. We haven’t seen them in months due to their hatefulness, and they were VERY stingy about our wedding and beginning our new life together. When we were engaged, his mother gave us a vaccum and we constantly heard, “But we gave you the vaccum…” As if that meant we should see them constantly and cater to their every wish. It was so silly. It was also a bit enraging because his parents were entirely furnishing his sister and her boyfriend’s apartment for the future…giving them each a four month trip to Rome…and ultimately offering to PAY for the apartment (rent and utlities and food) when they (soon) return. But…his sister and her boyfriend definitely have to “pay back” her parents in terms of dealing with their controlling behaviors.

I think it’s also been a good lesson for my husband and I…even in our own relationship, we have learned that the best way to give to each other is freely and unconditionally, without reserve or expectation.

It can be hard, as we have friends whose parents, as some of the posters above, have given them large sums for downpayments on homes…cars…backyard pools…baby items…etc.

But God provides! It sounds like He is providing through your in-laws 🙂
 
Dear WifeNMom.02:

Oh My–Your Post has really hit a cord with me! As I have been in your shoes --many years ago–well about 16 now!

I think it’s great that they are willing to help on the down payment with your home, but in my case it has only lead to endless trauma, and most sick CONTROL, on the part of my in-laws, unfortunately. Instances are too numerous to even go into here, but please listen to me.

I would graciously accept the down payment for your home, but please make it clear at least in your mind, that there will be no strings attached. I made the mistake of being so ignorant of this, well I didn’t know that there would be endless, numerous strings attached to this supposed “gift” from my in-laws. Had I known it at the time I would have said “NO”. So dear, please try to get a feeling NOW about your in-laws, if they are kind souls, or if they have a sick need to control. This is most imperative.

I would also urge you to let the gifts stop there, with the down payment. Do not take any more money from them, groceries, diapers, for it your husband’s JOB to provide in the long run, NOT his parents. HE needs to learn this from the start, and you are very right to even pose this concern. It shows you have intuition. what a blessing!. My husband took way too long to learn this, but Praise God he finally did. But only after YEARS of pain and suffering. Be smart, be a family and please please listen to me here, I have learned this lesson, among others the most very hard way.

Your parents, or your husbands parents, are NOT responsible for you and your family. You are. There is much truth in the leave and cleave principal. Take heed to it, dear one.

God Bless~
 
WifeNmom.02,

When my wife and I married we lived in NE and only saw my parents twice a year. Then we moved to PA about an hour from them. They visited probably once a week and normally brought stuff for us - fruit, vegetables and meat that my Mom saw on sale. Or some power tools, etc for jobs my Dad was helping me with on the house. Once our son was born there was lots of clothes, toys. Then there were the treats, to dinner, etc.

My wife and I protested alot for the first several months - for similar reasons. I wanted to feel like we were responsible for our family and we didn’t need charity. Then my Dad sat down with me and had a heart to heart: They knew we were capable of running our family. They also knew, from experience, how hard it is. Now that my siblings and I were out of the house, etc, my parents had more money and wanted to help us. I think we have to not only help the less fortunate, but also allow others to ehlp us. If we didn’t, how would anyone get to help anyone? 😃

Now we are back in NE, and they simply can’t do those things for us. They occassionally send clothes for our son, etc. But I’m really grateful for what they did do.

edited to add: In a few years, your parents or in laws may no longer be in a position to help you, and may even require your help. You’ll insist on helping thm when they need it, won’t you?
 
I would like to speak from the perspective of a grandparent.

**My husband and I can do very little for our kids, because we don’t have much ourselves. However, let me say that nothing gives us, or most grandparents, more pleasure than giving to our children and grandchildren. My mother was the same way…Nothing would please me more than to be able to be of real help to my kids and grandkids…We do what we can, but I would be so happy to be able to do more. **

When my son’s boy was born, he and his wife made it plain that they did not want us to buy things for R…They have always been funny about that kind of thing…I once had to return about a hundred dollars worth of clothes for R…
I cannot tell you how much their reluctance to allow us to give to R. has hurt us. There was a time when we couldn’t get him an Easter basket to find at our house, or a Christmas stocking. They thought it would confuse him…baloney!

**Our daughter, OTOH, has always let us do whatever we wanted to or could do for her three boys. We have little money, but it is fun to occasionally splurge on them. **

**There have been repercussions that I will not discuss here…The point is that grandparents should be allowed to be, well, grandparents. **

That does not mean that grandparents should be allowed to tell you how to raise your children, or that they should encourage the kids to break your rules, but it does mean that the children should be allowed to enjoy that special relationship that grandparents offer…

You are lucky that your parents can help you as much as they do. Let them…It gives them genuine pleasure, and allows you to concentrate your energies on other things, such as your marriage and your children’s spiritual needs.

There is nothing glamorous or wonderful about struggling…It is, of course not good for any of us to have everything handed to us…but you have to think of the needs of your kids…They need diapers, food, clothing and shelter. If you need help with any or all of these things, accept it in the spirit with which it is given.

**Chldren should not have to suffer because their parents’ are too proud to accept help. **

As time goes on, you will be able to do more for yourselves…The thing is to make sure everyone knows you are accepting help for the kids’ sakes, and that your need for help will not last forever…
 
CD4 said:
**Chldren should not have to suffer because their parents’ are too proud to accept help. **
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Appreciate your views as a grandparent–but you must know and understand that alot of times what you might view as “pride” is merely just a desire to not be controlled and told what to do–how to raise Johnny or Ritchie, what school to put him in, what career your son should get into, how your daughter in law should keep house, what your kids should or should not spend money on, etc…this “helping” mentality often times does carries over into your (grandparents) meddling into your kids’ business. “Well if we gave you such and such–if you needed clothes or shoes for Johnny, how is it you’re spending money on this vacation”?etc., etc…I urge you to try to be sensitive to your kids --here for there is so much more involved than just what you’re giving to your grandkids.! If you really desire to be helpful to your kids–offer to come over and help your daughter or daughter in law, fold the laundry, mop the floor or babysit. These things are worth more than any token gifts.
 
AMEN, Sparkle!

My husband and I got into therapy with a Catholic psychologist because his parents were soooooooooooooooooooooooooo controlling with zero boundaries…they realllllllllly wanted to use their fake generosity as an excuse to control us. EVERY ASPECT. Our lives are sooooooooo much better being away from them.
 
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sparkle:
Appreciate your views as a grandparent–but you must know and understand that alot of times what you might view as “pride” is merely just a desire to not be controlled and told what to do–how to raise Johnny or Ritchie, what school to put him in, what career your son should get into, how your daughter in law should keep house, what your kids should or should not spend money on, etc…this “helping” mentality often times does carries over into your (grandparents) meddling into your kids’ business. “Well if we gave you such and such–if you needed clothes or shoes for Johnny, how is it you’re spending money on this vacation”?etc., etc…I urge you to try to be sensitive to your kids --here for there is so much more involved than just what you’re giving to your grandkids.! If you really desire to be helpful to your kids–offer to come over and help your daughter or daughter in law, fold the laundry, mop the floor or babysit. These things are worth more than any token gifts.
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I stand by my statement that children should never have to suffer because of their parents pride.

Having said that, I have to tell you that I am strictly hands off when it comes to how my kids raise their boys. I give advice only when asked. This is hard sometimes, but it is the best way to do things.

I do help my daughter in many ways…I have been doing her laundry for weeks, now. She just had a spinal fusion surgery, and cannot lift or bend. I also baby sit for both my son and daughter at no cost to them…My daughter works part time, and both grandmothers help out.

I generally stay out of my kids’ business. The only time I would interfere is if I thought the kids were in any kind of danger…Fortunately both my son and daughter are excellent parents, and I have no worries in that regard.

**Children must always be put first…If you don’t have enough money for food or decent clothing, you should never worry about the fact that help may come from grandparents…Same goes for doctor visits. **

I realize that parents do not want to be told how to raise their kids…I was once a young parent too. That’s why I stay out of that kind of thing. However, there is such a thing as being too sensitive or too defensive…
 
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sparkle:
Appreciate your views as a grandparent–but you must know and understand that alot of times what you might view as “pride” is merely just a desire to not be controlled and told what to do–how to raise Johnny or Ritchie, what school to put him in, what career your son should get into, how your daughter in law should keep house, what your kids should or should not spend money on, etc…this “helping” mentality often times does carries over into your (grandparents) meddling into your kids’ business.
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Sounds like someone who has been there. My problem is not so much that my in-laws tell me what to do, they just do it, all the cooking, cleaning, etc., plus all the mothering, meaning that for days on end when we or they visit, entire days can go by where I only hold my child for only a few moments. As for doing all the “housework” in my home, sounds like a dream but it ends up making me feel inadequate.
They provide a lot for the kids and so I find it hard to say no or to establish boundaries because of guilt, which I admit leads to feelings of resentment. I don’t post this to vent, but that children need to disengage from their parents, and parents need to allow the children to “grow up” into adults that can take care of themselves and their family. Of course, maybe there are exceptions like doctor visits, emergencies, the need for grandparents to provide little gifts here and there, but too much can be troublesome. Here’s what I posted on a similar thread for your review, interested in what ya’ll think especially the grandparents out there:

"We are supposed to cleave to each other as man and wife when married according to Matt 19:4-6. The married partners new responsibility is towards each other, regardless of how close the family ties have been. That doesn’t mean we don’t continue to honor our father and mother since Mk 7:10-13 makes that clear, but a man and woman when married become one flesh, which is a much closer relationship than the parent-child one.
If the “kids” are having problems they need to work it out themselves with minimal interference from the parents. Parents need to allow the “kids” to live their lives independently. It’s no accident that a lot of divorces are over parental and in-law interference - God knew what he was talking about!! "
 
CD4! You sound like my mom! Both my husbands and my parent’s are absolutly wonderful.We have three children, though we pay our own bills and tuition (before deciding to homeschool), there have been quite a few times that they helped us out of some serious financial situations. We typically live underwater with the tips of our noses sticking out. 😉

An unexpected surgery for my husband that resulted in loss of work and HUGE medical bills. It was a catastrophe. If it was not for their compassion and generosity, we would have lost our home. I am eternally grateful for their help. They paid some bills for us and it made the diffarence between surviving and financial ruin. They have NEVER tried to interfere in any decisions we make concerning our family.

I just wanted to make it clear that not everyone’s parents or in-laws are controlling or have hidden agendas. There are parents and in-laws in the world that are beautiful examples of God’s Mercy and compassion. We are truly blessed.

Is it only okay to help those in need if it is not your own?:hmmm:
 
CD4 said:
I realize that parents do not want to be told how to raise their kids…I was once a young parent too. That’s why I stay out of that kind of thing. However, there is such a thing as being too sensitive or too defensive…
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You sound like a marvelous parent, and grandma! There should be more like you out there!

God Bless~~
 
This kind lady–CD4 was it? yes she is the type we all wish we had as our mothers/mothers-in-law----for YOU are few and far between dear one–you must know this! I’m sure you are a joy and blessing to your daughter, son and your grandkids for sure!!!PTL! But many of us have had otherwise—totally controlling, mean, and outright un-Christian parents or in-laws, which have been quite the contrary to your situation----totally un-Christian. This is a hard one for many of us. I ask you to pray for us this day if you will. Some of us surely need it!!!

I will let you all know a bit of my story and how the Lord has worked in my life. My in-laws have from day 1 been completely controlling, and as I’ve come to find out “sick” really. They were very gracious in giving us the down payment for our home, *many * years ago now. I did not realize at that time, there were many strings attached also. They started coming in our home literally, letting themselves in when we were gone with their key, fixing the dishwasher, cutting down foilage around our home as they saw fit, doing yard work…showing up every week, “doing some work”…etc…dropping in at all times, especially at our family time “supper”. How convenient for them! Well anyway–things began getting completely out of hand-----they always said “why–they’re fixing and helping things around our home–and we are ungrateful to not appreciate them --for they gave us the downpayment–if it was not for them–we’d be on the street”…well --on top of this–they would appear any time they felt like it----(always around supper time) -with some gift --a pie—etc…and expecting us to be so grateful…This needless to say, was a complete intrusion into our marriage-----not to mention them having a key to let themselves in at any time–which happened too much to even mention here -----I’m sorry but “NO”…Well it was me, the daughter in law who had to lay down the boundaries with them as my husband was not able —(reason for counseling)…and of course now, I’m hated by my in-laws…I’m the witch—I’m the bad girl out–as I’ve challenged their power and control…There are soooo many more things friends — too numerous to even get into…but the point is—there ARE many parents who feel their gifts entitle them to control. This is sooo wrong! I have learned so much because of this–how it is O.K. to have boundaries within a marriage–how it is O.K. to say “NO” --which I never really knew before --always trying in Christian charity to accomodate-----(another story all together)…

I ask you to pray for me whoever reads this post as I have had my challenges–and believe me–it is not an easy journey–as even this day the challenge still remains. Why every B-day for one of my children seems to be an event for my in-laws to control again–they want to take them shopping–a chance for them to put their 2 cents in belittle me and their son too. For why just this past week, I had to set a boundary with them again, regarding my youngest son’s B-day–well then–they chose to totally and completely disregard his B-day–no card --no gift–if it was not THEIR way then forget it-----which has been their motto from day 1. Totally and completely sick!

Friends–I beg your prayers in this situation.

God Bless~~
 
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sparkle:
This kind lady–CD4 was it? yes she is the type we all wish we had as our mothers/mothers-in-law----for YOU are few and far between dear one–you must know this! I’m sure you are a joy and blessing to your daughter, son and your grandkids for sure!!!PTL! But many of us have had otherwise—totally controlling, mean, and outright un-Christian parents or in-laws, which have been quite the contrary to your situation----totally un-Christian. This is a hard one for many of us. I ask you to pray for us this day if you will. Some of us surely need it!!!

I will let you all know a bit of my story and how the Lord has worked in my life. My in-laws have from day 1 been completely controlling, and as I’ve come to find out “sick” really. They were very gracious in giving us the down payment for our home, *many *years ago now. I did not realize at that time, there were many strings attached also. They started coming in our home literally, letting themselves in when we were gone with their key, fixing the dishwasher, cutting down foilage around our home as they saw fit, doing yard work…showing up every week, “doing some work”…etc…dropping in at all times, especially at our family time “supper”. How convenient for them! Well anyway–things began getting completely out of hand-----they always said “why–they’re fixing and helping things around our home–and we are ungrateful to not appreciate them --for they gave us the downpayment–if it was not for them–we’d be on the street”…well --on top of this–they would appear any time they felt like it----(always around supper time) -with some gift --a pie—etc…and expecting us to be so grateful…This needless to say, was a complete intrusion into our marriage-----not to mention them having a key to let themselves in at any time–which happened too much to even mention here -----I’m sorry but “NO”…Well it was me, the daughter in law who had to lay down the boundaries with them as my husband was not able —(reason for counseling)…and of course now, I’m hated by my in-laws…I’m the witch—I’m the bad girl out–as I’ve challenged their power and control…There are soooo many more things friends — too numerous to even get into…but the point is—there ARE many parents who feel their gifts entitle them to control. This is sooo wrong! I have learned so much because of this–how it is O.K. to have boundaries within a marriage–how it is O.K. to say “NO” --which I never really knew before --always trying in Christian charity to accomodate-----(another story all together)…

I ask you to pray for me whoever reads this post as I have had my challenges–and believe me–it is not an easy journey–as even this day the challenge still remains. Why every B-day for one of my children seems to be an event for my in-laws to control again–they want to take them shopping–a chance for them to put their 2 cents in belittle me and their son too. For why just this past week, I had to set a boundary with them again, regarding my youngest son’s B-day–well then–they chose to totally and completely disregard his B-day–no card --no gift–if it was not THEIR way then forget it-----which has been their motto from day 1. Totally and completely sick!

Friends–I beg your prayers in this situation.

God Bless~~
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sparkle:
This kind lady–CD4 was it? yes she is the type we all wish we had as our mothers/mothers-in-law----for YOU are few and far between dear one–you must know this! I’m sure you are a joy and blessing to your daughter, son and your grandkids for sure!!!PTL! But many of us have had otherwise—totally controlling, mean, and outright un-Christian parents or in-laws, which have been quite the contrary to your situation----totally un-Christian. This is a hard one for many of us. I ask you to pray for us this day if you will. Some of us surely need it!!!

I will let you all know a bit of my story and how the Lord has worked in my life. My in-laws have from day 1 been completely controlling, and as I’ve come to find out “sick” really. They were very gracious in giving us the down payment for our home, *many *years ago now. I did not realize at that time, there were many strings attached also. They started coming in our home literally, letting themselves in when we were gone with their key, fixing the dishwasher, cutting down foilage around our home as they saw fit, doing yard work…showing up every week, “doing some work”…etc…dropping in at all times, especially at our family time “supper”. How convenient for them! Well anyway–things began getting completely out of hand-----they always said “why–they’re fixing and helping things around our home–and we are ungrateful to not appreciate them --for they gave us the downpayment–if it was not for them–we’d be on the street”…well --on top of this–they would appear any time they felt like it----(always around supper time) -with some gift --a pie—etc…and expecting us to be so grateful…This needless to say, was a complete intrusion into our marriage-----not to mention them having a key to let themselves in at any time–which happened too much to even mention here -----I’m sorry but “NO”…Well it was me, the daughter in law who had to lay down the boundaries with them as my husband was not able —(reason for counseling)…and of course now, I’m hated by my in-laws…I’m the witch—I’m the bad girl out–as I’ve challenged their power and control…There are soooo many more things friends — too numerous to even get into…but the point is—there ARE many parents who feel their gifts entitle them to control. This is sooo wrong! I have learned so much because of this–how it is O.K. to have boundaries within a marriage–how it is O.K. to say “NO” --which I never really knew before --always trying in Christian charity to accomodate-----(another story all together)…

I ask you to pray for me whoever reads this post as I have had my challenges–and believe me–it is not an easy journey–as even this day the challenge still remains. Why every B-day for one of my children seems to be an event for my in-laws to control again–they want to take them shopping–a chance for them to put their 2 cents in belittle me and their son too. For why just this past week, I had to set a boundary with them again, regarding my youngest son’s B-day–well then–they chose to totally and completely disregard his B-day–no card --no gift–if it was not THEIR way then forget it-----which has been their motto from day 1. Totally and completely sick!

Friends–I beg your prayers in this situation.

God Bless~~
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My parents have helped me financially since I moved back home 13 years ago just before the birth of my daughter. They didn’t control my life just made suggestions which when I look back were usually right on. I felt compelled to Sunday mass because of their support and this is what they wanted. IMHO, I believe the respect for my parents has brought me where I am today in my faith of the Catholic Church. I am one of the lucky ones…
 
<<<But many of us have had otherwise—totally controlling, mean, and outright un-Christian parents or in-laws, which have been quite the contrary to your situation----totally un-Christian. This is a hard one for many of us. I ask you to pray for us this day if you will. Some of us surely need it!!!>>>

I am so sorry to hear of your problem with your in-laws…I understand what a terrible problem this kind of thing can be, and will certainly keep you in my prayers.

Your in-laws certainly could not really love your child, if they would ignore his birthday just to spite you…This really makes me angry…The worst thing is to hurt a child just to hurt an adult…

**Is there a chance that you guys could actully move to another town? **

I am glad your husband is receiving couseling…are you going to? It sounds as if he needs to learn to set boundaries, too…Were they controling parents as well? He may have to learn to undo a whole lifetime of bowing to his parents’ wishes, and allowing them to run his life.

You were, and are, right to set definitel boundaries…You have to in order to preserve the intregrity of your familiy.
Most grandparents want to do what is best for their kids and grandkids…But, there are some who want to be “in charge”…thinking that they have the right to do whatever they please…
**I had to learn to be a good grandmother…My own Mom did some really good things and some really bad things as a grandmother, and I learned from her example…It has not always been easy, but I try very hard to stay out of my kids’ decision making for their children…unless asked, of course. **
My problem is that I tend to allow my kids to take advantage of me, just like my Mom did…I am the one who needs to learn to set boundaries, so I will have a life of my own! I had a heart attack 2 1/2 years ago, and my husband gets upset with me when I do too much…But, it is hard for me to say “no”…
 
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