Leaving a Church

[marylauravicuna]

I initially joined a church and really loved it. But I ended up in a crisis situation, asked for help and didn’t receive any. I did have some members reach out to me in friendliness. I got advice from a confessor that you should “stick with one Church.” I returned to the Church, and now things are really awkward. I wouldn’t really say that a good relationship exists between my confessor and myself now; even if it did, he would be transferring to be pastor of another parish soon.

At the same time, during my time here, I have grown immensely spiritually and also socially, in terms of a deep healing of some cultural wounds as a result of better understanding the culture in question. I would say that I am attending mass daily as well, which was a suggestion of my former confessor. I believe I have rooted out some important venial sins.

I was thinking of sticking with the church and area for a year to see if it was a good fit. I’m working a part-time contract job now that lasts until early July. I probably have the opportunity to find a good full-time job in my field that would allow me to stay in the same location, but I also think that it might be wise to leave if I get the opportunity. Has anyone been in a similar situation or have any guiding criteria as to the best choice in this sort of situation? If staying, would it be best for me to up my involvement in the Church, i.e. volunteer in and/or attend various ministries, and try to make deeper friendships? If leaving, what is the best way to deal with the deeply personal sharing that has gone on and the social networks between parishes?

 

[Christy_Beth]

If possible, stay with this Church. Unless more problems exist, or are deeper than you can put here. You need to know that if you were to need help, where could you get it. If you move to anothe parish, you are starting all over again. You say that you have made some friends and have grown personally. That has me leaning on the side of staying. But you also hint at some real problems. If the bad outweighs the good, then go knowing you are doing the best that you can. Do get involved in some way, It helps develop more ties to the community. You may look at the different parishs and see what is offered, then weigh that with everything else. I know that not all Churches offer the same thing.

 

[the_phoenix]

That you have made friends is a good thing … That said, which parish does God want you in? As of now, I am a Eucharistic Adorer in my current parish. I tend to go to Mass in a former parish just because I live slightly closer to it. I haven’t gone downtown to the Latin Mass in awhile due to road construction and distance, though I know it would be spiritually uplifting … even moreso for being inconvenient. I think God finally led me to the parish that I’m in now for the Eucharistic Adoration.

Where does God want you?

 

[marylauravicuna]

Thanks both of you very much for the comments! Will keep praying about this…

 

[marylauravicuna]

The problems are deeper than I can mention here so it seems leaving would be best. But I am worried that they might resurface in a new parish, especially one in the same town so want to spend time fully understanding why things went so badly.

What if you were going through severe financial stress so you sat in the back of the church while the rest of the Church sat in the front because you had a lot on your mind that was distracting you during mass but you still wanted to receive the Eucharist and any sort of sacramental benefit that comes from mass. But later, you sat in the front after being invited to move and to attract less attention, but other parishioners started sitting in the back. What does that really mean that they started copying you?

 

[Bob_Crowley]

The problems are deeper than I can mention here so it seems leaving would be best. But I am worried that they might resurface in a new parish, especially one in the same town so want to spend time fully understanding why things went so badly.

What if you were going through severe financial stress so you sat in the back of the church while the rest of the Church sat in the front because you had a lot on your mind that was distracting you during mass but you still wanted to receive the Eucharist and any sort of sacramental benefit that comes from mass. But later, you sat in the front after being invited to move and to attract less attention, but other parishioners started sitting in the back. What does that really mean that they started copying you?

I think you’re reading too much into this. Unless you’ve been talking loud and clear about all your financial problems, then most of them wouldn’t even know about them. They certainly would not have heard about them from your confessor, since anything you tell him should not be revealed to a single other person.

I think your state of mind is blowing things out of proportion.

As for leaving the church, I’d stick around till the end of your employment contract if I were you. Your next job may make the decision for you, due to a change of location. But if you keep leaving churches because there’s a bit of tension, or you’ve made a mistake or three, you’ll never settle down.

I usually find God allows a period of grace when you join any church, hence the easy start. But then He expects you to get involved to some extent or other.

Having said that, I’d wait till your contract finishes before getting too involved in other ministries. If you then stay in the church, get involved in some sort of ministry, even if its fairly minor to start with.

 

[marylauravicuna]

I think you’re reading too much into this. Unless you’ve been talking loud and clear about all your financial problems, then most of them wouldn’t even know about them. They certainly would not have heard about them from your confessor, since anything you tell him should not be revealed to a single other person.

I think your state of mind is blowing things out of proportion.

As for leaving the church, I’d stick around till the end of your employment contract if I were you. Your next job may make the decision for you, due to a change of location. But if you keep leaving churches because there’s a bit of tension, or you’ve made a mistake or three, you’ll never settle down.

I usually find God allows a period of grace when you join any church, hence the easy start. But then He expects you to get involved to some extent or other.

Having said that, I’d wait till your contract finishes before getting too involved in other ministries. If you then stay in the church, get involved in some sort of ministry, even if its fairly minor to start with.

I appreciate this advice very much. Thanks for the perspective. It is very helpful. You’d just ignore the people sitting in the very back, about 20 pews away from everyone else when no one used to sit there before. Perhaps the tension I am noticing has nothing to do with my finances and has to do with ethnicity. For example, all of a sudden, one day there was a new bulletin in a different language with a lot of ads. But it was just a one time thing, as usually we have a bilingual bulletin. And now the church is getting all new pastors and one pastor just said he would stop preaching for a month, and they said it was due to support for diversity. The other pastors have only been there two years. How does that help? There are people who will sit in my pew, from another pew, and then decided to quit coming to church after attending on a daily basis. Do you think they are embarrassed because they have trouble speaking English even though the mass is multicultural?

 

[Bob_Crowley]

I appreciate this advice very much. Thanks for the perspective. It is very helpful. You’d just ignore the people sitting in the very back, about 20 pews away from everyone else when no one used to sit there before. Perhaps the tension I am noticing has nothing to do with my finances and has to do with ethnicity. For example, all of a sudden, one day there was a new bulletin in a different language with a lot of ads. But it was just a one time thing, as usually we have a bilingual bulletin. And now the church is getting all new pastors and one pastor just said he would stop preaching for a month, and they said it was due to support for diversity. The other pastors have only been there two years. How does that help? There are people who will sit in my pew, from another pew, and then decided to quit coming to church after attending on a daily basis. Do you think they are embarrassed because they have trouble speaking English even though the mass is multicultural?

I have no idea what their motives are for leaving suddenly after attending on a daily basis (which is far more than I do, I can assure you). You obviously don’t know either.

But that really is not your problem. Your issue is what you intend to do.

We have several ethnic groups in our church, but the services are in English. Occasionally the Samoan or Filipino choirs might sing a song in their own language (usually during the collection or communion), but that’s about it. Our priests stay a lot longer as well, mainly because there’s such a shortage of them our bishop wouldn’t have the logistical luxury of shuffling them around too often.

So I suppose we haven’t got the same issues.

But that’s besides the point - what these other people decide to do is their problem, and their responsibility. What matters is what YOU intend to do. You’re not going to answer for them, and they’re not going to answer for you.

I think you’re getting side tracked by peripheral issues.

 

[marylauravicuna]

It would be ideal to keep attending. However, I went to church this morning (daily mass) and just ended up walking out because I was getting emotionally overwhelmed and was sick. I realized when I returned home that it was due partially to stress and partially to my hormone levels causing mood swings. As soon as I was away from the environment, I was no longer emotionally overwhelmed. I don’t want that to end up happening again. It shouldn’t, since I can monitor hormones from now on. Its probably the underlying financial issue that is really getting to me - however, I thought church was supposed to be a spiritually healing and supportive atmosphere.

I’m getting distracted by the television show that my church seems to have become, which is so bad that my behavior was almost normal behavior for the church, because people are walking out all the time early, arriving late but still going to the front, sitting in different seats, moving from seat to seat during Church, loitering near communion, and the deaf people who speak ASL are doing sign language at the front. I could go to church just to watch the social dynamics and see what sort of surprise will happen next. I can’t understand a lot of the sermons or homilies anyways because none of the priests are native speakers. Also, I think some of the things that go on here remind me of a protestant youth group that was a really bad experience for me before I reverted. I think that’s why I’m here - healing from that youth group almost 8 years ago - by understanding the perspective of the people that I have most conflict with. But the time for that sort of spiritual healing may have ended.

I’d like to continue attending daily mass and there’s are two churches, one that I used to attend due to the convenience of an evening mass near my previous work vanpool that I would feel comfortable going to. The other was recommended to me by some nuns after going on their retreat and is about an hour away. There would be more jobs in my area in this location actually. Perhaps I will just stop attending daily mass until I finish my contract and then restart again wherever I end up working full-time, but I thought we were supposed to receive graces from the Eucharist that would be helpful for our daily lives.

 

[Bob_Crowley]

Well, since you seem to have so many issues with this church, maybe you could make a change to another church. The main thing is to keep attending mass.

How often is up to you, but if you’re working, then attending daily mass is a pretty big commitment. But that has to be your decision.

All the best whatever decision you make.

 

[marylauravicuna]

Well, since you seem to have so many issues with this church, maybe you could make a change to another church. The main thing is to keep attending mass.

How often is up to you, but if you’re working, then attending daily mass is a pretty big commitment. But that has to be your decision.

All the best whatever decision you make.

Thanks for the thoughts. What would you do in this situation? I’m worried that people in my mass might have formed a negative opinion of me. Although it is somewhat similar to the other weird behavior during mass, those people have been at the church a little longer. However, due to social networks between parishes, switching to another parish may not make any difference in terms of stress reduction or opinions.